So I've had this plot bunny for the past few days... the characters are based on my four best friends and they are quite aware that I have written this. They all got to pick out their own names and they all decided that they wanted to be elves (the little traitors! I was only going to have one of them as an elf. Now they've made things a bit more difficult... like, how do you stuff an Elf into a burlap sack?).
This isn't going to be a step-by-step following of the story, mainly I'll be jumping from one scene to another as I realize that I can use it to my crazy crack!fic imagination. :D
I'm half-way done with the next Martyr chapter too! Yay!
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Hobbit- Everything belongs to the great J.R.R. Tolkien.
Everything was White. And not in that stupid "it's-technically-still-white-just-different-shades-of-it-so- you-can- tell-apart-various-objects" white… Gabby just called that art technique "lazy".
No, this was a blinding, been-cleaned-by-bleach-too-many-times White. She could have sworn she had just been arguing with Cassidy over breastfeeding and which questions she should Never Ever ask in Gabby's presence. Never mind the fact that the situation had happened yesterday and that the new mother was actually one of their good friends.-Gabby was still scarred and thus, needed to press upon Cassidy the seriousness of her offenses.
And she just really didn't want to do work for Jurisprudence. The last year of pharmacy school before being shoved out into Forced Servitude (a.k.a. Unpaid Internships) was apparently one lacking in Motivation.
But that still didn't explain how she had gotten to White World. Perhaps she had fallen asleep? If so, this was a very boring dream… probably an unconscious form of punishment for tuning out the Jurisprudence professor this morning. That was entirely not her fault though! Her favorite fan fiction had just been updated that morning and the teacher really made it too easy to ignore her. And besides, she was sure her professor would understand… it was a top!Bilbo and insecure!Thorin story after all. Who could resist that?
Zoning out slightly (if one could zone out in a dream), Gabby almost missed the faint popping noise. The fact that her four best friends had suddenly appeared next to her however was slightly harder to overlook.
"Um… okay." Eryk stated rather slowly, looking around at everyone. Gabby ignorde him, her eyes shut tight and mutterings of "please make Thorin be tied up" heard. The others (Cassidy, Alice, and Lauryn) were just sitting there, still trying to figure out why everything was White.
"I could have sworn I was just typing up Pharmacy Administration notes"
Eryk continued talking and Gabby kept pretending to be ignoring everyone- stupid subconscious would make her feel quilty for sleeping instead of studying.
"Welcome, Children of Men."
Everyone (minus Gabby- it was her dream after all and she was going to make it less White) whipped around to see who had started talking. Cassidy sharply poked Gabby in the side in a clear sign of stop the shit and look. Gabby slapped her hand away but opened her eyes all the same.
Stupid dream.
In front of the group of friends stood a woman wearing a flowing White gown, a look of timelessness upon her brow and white blonde locks. Gabby named her Bleach and promptly lost interest, closing her eyes and trying to imagine a mustard stain on Bleach's dress somewhere.
None of the others did however and Gabby heard Lauryn ask Bleach who she was and where they were.
"My name is Yavanna and you are in the Between. I've picked you five out to help on a quest."
"Fuck yes! I knew this was an awesome dream!" Gabby had recognized the name Yavanna and snapped open her eyes, convinced that this was going to be the best dream of her life. I'm sorry I doubted you subconscious.
"This is not a dream Gabby of New York… you and your friends are needed to change the outcomes of the Reclamation of Erebor."
"Oh okay then non-Dream person. That just makes everything seem believable because a dream would never deny that it was a dream."
Eryk was giving Bleach his perfected "Bitch Please" look while Lauryn just laughed, albeit a little nervously. Cassidy let out an extremely confused "wait what?"
Rolling her eyes (Gabby didn't realize the Valar even knew how to do that. Dream: 1. Reality: 0), Bleach waved her hand and suddenly the group found themselves staring at… well… themselves. They were all sitting where they had remembered being before this stupid White-ness and appeared to be frozen.
"Your bodies are resting and will remain so while you are gone. Your conscious will move into forms that I have created for you, in order for you to better mingle with the Company. When you return to your original forms, it will be as if no time has passed at all. This isn't a dream Children of Men. If you die in that world, you can never return to your own so I suggest you start taking this seriously." Bleach sounded rather huffy, clearly unused to people not taking her words seriously.
"You're not very Other-Worldly when you're pissed are you?" Gabby observed helpfully. Or unhelpfully, depending on the point of view.
The Vala just glared at the red head before continuing.
"Your own skills are an essential addition to the company. You can do more than you know, young mortals." She looked quite pleased with herself that she had managed to get her cryptic tone back.
"So let me get this straight- You're planning on dropping us smack-dab into the middle of the Hobbit, with no skills, no powers, no anything and expect us to survive? Good plan! Wonder why we never thought of that? Oh yeah, because it sucks, not to mention impossible."
Alice was such a Sassy Little Russian and it made Gabby so proud.
And then she saw Cassidy's glare and actually felt a tad afraid. She had only gotten that glare once in her life (well, probably more times than that but, she conveniently forgot the others) and she knew it spelled danger.
So, being the Kind and Considerate friend she was, she placed Eryk and Alice in between her and Cassidy and tried to act innocent.
Because she just knew this was going to get blamed on her. She just knew it.
Bleach, or Yavanna, really didn't look happy in that moment and was clearly about to say something when she was interrupted.
"So… say for some crazy reason, we decided that we don't want to go, you'll just put us back right?" Lauryn looked cautiously optimistic and it was clear that she tried really hard to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.
Gabby thought that she failed quite nicely.
"At this point, I've decided that you are all going on this journey whether you like it or not." Bleach answered with a haughty look.
Eryk chose that moment to cough, a sound that sounded strangely like 'spiteful bitch' while Alice nodded in agreement next to him. Cassidy continued to glare at the tall woman while Lauryn just rested her head on her hands in defeat. Gabby decided that she really wished this was just a dream and couldn't figure out when she had decided that it wasn't.
And that's when the floor dropped out from under them.
Gabby woke up to the sounds of horses.
Well, she actually woke up to something poking her hard in the back and then heard the sounds of horses. Jumping up, she put on her most ferocious face and stared at… well…
A pair of knees.
What?
Actually, looking around, she realized that there were four pairs of knees surrounded by a group of angry looking men.
Wait a minute…
Looking up, she realized that knees belonged to her friends who were, for all intents and purposes, Elves.
"Who gave you guys a shot of growth hormone? And where's mine?!"
"Someone grab the wee lass before the tree-humpers eat 'er!" was the next thing she heard before she was violently pulled backwards into a tree trunk.
Correction: dwarf. She was pulled backwards in a dwarf that was still taller than her.
Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet.
During Gabby's extremely unhelpful internal chant, Eryk, Cassidy, Lauryn and Alice were trying to figure out how to get themselves away from the business ends of the angry, short, and dreadfully hairy men's weapons.
Actually, Lauryn was really the only one trying to figure out how to get out of the situation. Alice was muttering something violent sounding in Russian and standing with her arms crossed, Cassidy was glaring at anything and everything, and Eryk…
Well, Eryk was explaining in great detail how he would never hump a tree as he likes penis, Thank You Very Much before giving the dwarves an evil smirk when one of them covered another's ears while muttering about the evils of the Elves.
"SHE MADE ME A HOBBIT! I'm a hobbit! Why am I a hobbit?!"
"Excuse me but, what is so terrible about being a hobbit?" said an indignant voice from behind Tree the Dwarf.
"Everything Bilbo Baggins, everything!" Gabby shot back, ignoring the shocked looks on all the dwarves faces. She would deal with them later. Right now, her friends were all elves while she was just a hobbit. That was so Not Fair.
Eryk and Alice's dark brown hair now extended down to the middle of their backs and Gabby knew that they would most likely end up cutting it short first chance they got. Cassidy's brunette hair had also grown to the middle of her back and was being blown about gently in the breeze, its tips appearing auburn in the sunlight. Lauryn's blond hair hadn't grown as much as the others had (as she had always worn it longer than the others) but it was still long enough to reach the small of her back. She had it pulled over her shoulder and was nervously glancing between the dwarves with weapons and any possible split ends her hair might have. And of course, all four of them had pointed ears (well, she supposed that she did too) and looked freaking amazing.
Jerks.
Stomping up to them with feet that she still refused to look at, she reached up and pulled Cassidy's hair, forcing the girl to sit down quickly with a yelp. It also caused Cassidy to punch her in the shoulder, which hurts more when you're 2 feet shorter instead of 2 inches.
As the rest of her friends sat down, Gabby started shaking her head. "This is bad."
"No shit Sherlock." Eryk said at the same time as Alice's "Well no shit."
Lauryn just continued to look around at the people holding the "pointy objects" at them and kept whispering "why are they so pointy? Don't they know that they could hurt someone with pointy things?"
Eryk just patted her leg comfortingly, knowing that her brain would return by the end of this whole ordeal.
Cassidy continued to practice her wide range of facial expressions and had now started a glaring/staring contest with a dwarf that looked to be Thorin. Actually, the only thing that was missing from the "This Dwarf Is Thorin" hints was a bright neon sign over his head with the name "Thorin". And maybe a pimp cane… er… scepter.
Gabby actually thought that Cassidy might have a chance at winning against the dwarf king.
Staring contests aside, they actually did have a big problem. Mainly due to the fact that everyone knows Dwarves and Elves Never Get Along, including Miss I'm-Yavanna-and-Bleach-my-Roots. In fact, Gabby would have gone as far so to say that Bleach had made most of them elves just to make their lives miserable. Just as she was about to start swearing about the egos of the Valar, an old man dressed all in grey walked up to the circle of elves (and one hobbit) and just beamed.
"Welcome to Middle Earth. I have long been expecting your presence."
"In other words, you had no idea we were coming until we showed up."
Did Gabby mention that she loved her Sassy Russian?
Gandalf just smiled even wider, if that were humanly (wizardly?) possible. "I admit that I am hardly Yavanna's first choice when it comes to explaining her plans but she did inform me last night that you were being sent here and that you would have the gift of foresight."
"Yeah, because we clearly look like people who saw this coming."
Lauryn apparently was able to snap out of her ruminating on pointy objects long enough to throw some sarcasm Gandalf's way before Fili's twin swords caught her attention again and she was off mumbling about males and sharp objects.
The wizard just hm'ed amusedly before turning back to the dwarves.
"It would be unwise to leave them Thorin Oakenshield, especially as they were sent with the specific purpose to help you."
Thorin just growled, clearly unwilling to give up his starting match with Cassidy to give Gandalf a proper answer. Gabby decided that it was time to step in as she didn't feel like spending all day watching two stubborn people be… well… stubborn. Picking the one that she thought would be easiest to deter from the staring match, Gabby stepped forward.
"I would forfeit that battle now Mr. Thorin. Your stubbornness may be legendary but so is Cassidy's. You'll both be sitting here until the day you die, glaring at each other. And then she'll still win because she is an elf after all and basically immortal. So you better just get it over with now and lose already."
Thorin had turned his glare on to her and thus lost the staring match… er… Great Battle of Wills. Cassidy gave a little victory smirk and preened, looking very pleased with herself.
"We do not travel with elves and elf-friends Gandalf. They'll only slow us down, the dirty tree-shaggers." While Thorin spoke to the wizard, he maintained his fierce gaze on the group of friends, disgust and unhappiness clearly on his face.
His insult of course set Eryk off on another rant of how he liked penis and Don't You Dwarves Ever Pay Attention?
In the end Gandalf left to find some more horses, mumbling something about an old friend that might be able to help (Alice ruefully whispered that Gandalf never had any young friends) and the dwarves made sure the elves and red headed hobbit were in the middle of their company.
When Gandalf returned with two horses (Gabby would be riding with Bilbo apparently and she doubted she would survive the journey), Lauryn was the first to make her protests known.
"Yeah, seeing how I thought a baby horse was a pony, I really don't think I should steer this thing. Let alone even be on it." In the end, it was Eryk and Cassidy on one horse and Alice and Lauryn on the other, Alice taking control of their horse.
The dwarves were already mounted and moving on when Gabby's cries of "Oh Hell to the NO!" were heard. Growling, Thorin turned his pony around rather harshly, only to stop when he saw the new hobbit telling Bilbo that she would not be riding with him if he was going to be holding his reins like that and what if the pony bolted, or if he needed to stop suddenly, etc.
For the sake of everyone's ears (but mainly his own), Thorin rode up to the bickering hobbits, grabbed Bilbo by the waist and yanked him off the pony and then deposited the wiggling red head on it instead. Then he settled Bilbo in behind her and rode off with a growl of "Now be silent."
And so four pharmacy interns and one wanna-be epidemiologist settled in to their unwanted journey quite nicely.
Until dinnertime that is.
Please let me know what you think... I would love to say that my friends and I don't act like this... but we actually kind of do.