He never expected this feeling, this longing, to be so strong. He never expected it to be this sudden. Hell, he hadn't expected it at all. It came out of nowhere, after he thought he'd closed that door. (He'd tried, anyway. He thought he'd locked it up tight, but it turns out he was wrong.) He knew he'd always love her in one way or another, but this, this was something else entirely. This was more than loving her, or even wanting her. It caught him off guard and sent him reeling.
It came without warning, catching hold in his chest so hard and fast he physically took a step forward. It was an anchor, dragging his carefully routed, perfectly aimed ship to a halt, hooking into his lungs, his heart, his throat, jarring him and grounding him all at the same time. He looked at her and his life flashed before his eyes. But not his previous life. A new life, a life that could be (someday, if he let it). Diggle said it best; his whole world changed.
When she leaned over the hospital bed, cooing over that tiny baby, for a moment saw only her. She filled his vision the way she had so many times before, but this was different. He blinked and saw her holding another baby, a blond haired, blue-eyed child. He blinked again and he was swinging a laughing toddler in the air while she held another bundle, eyes full of love and happiness. Her laughter filled the air and he was falling, falling, falling. But he would be the sailor lost at sea as long as she was the siren that drowned him.
The magic broke, and he shook himself. This was not the life he'd chosen. It was not the life they would have.
He kissed her. It wasn't his intention, truly. He wanted to let her go, to do all the things she asked him if it would hurt her less. But the dreams were still fresh in his mind and he'd wondered for too long what her lips would taste like. He breathed her name like a prayer and kissed her, cutting off the pleading words that fell from her mouth.
For a moment the world fell away and he only knew her. He felt warm and whole and alive. She was the anchor at his chest, the wind in his lungs, the rudder steering him home.
He pulled back, terrified of what he'd done. Her eyes were still closed when he opened his and his heart was breaking. He knew he had to let her go. He knew he should apologize, try to take it back. But she looked at him and he couldn't. The words that fell from his lips felt like one last attempt to grasp at the lifeboat of their drowning love.
She walked away, taking every shred of hope with her. The anchor jerked lose and be was sent adrift, floating aimlessly and relentlessly. The dreams shattered against the cold hospital floor and he was left alone, the taste of her on his lips, hands still tingling from the warmth of her face.