The victory tour had just began. And I find myself lost. I'm hiding from the harsh reality of the world I live in and tried to escape. I don't want to see anyone. But I have no choice.
My talk with Snow lingers over my head like hot lead crushing me. Even while I sit on a warm soft bed with my arms wrapped around my legs. I can feel the subconscious pain through my spine. How can I do this? I can't breathe under this weight. I take deep slow breaths to calm the nerves that wrack through my limbs. If only they knew. My people, my family just outside the door.
Just a few months ago I was in the games with Peeta. Oh Peeta. I think how will he handle this weight with me. The weight of leaving him and the pain I caused him. Wounded by my rejection, hurt by the unrequited feelings. He's so sure, so certain about it. If only I'd let him die In that Arena. I wouldn't have to deal with this feeling. I regret it as soon as I think it. The boy who had given me bread and saved my family couldn't die like that. I risked everything with those damn berries. For his family, for our district, for him, for me to survive and have the chance to live one more day. On a lie that will fall through our fingers.
There's a light knock on the door followed by Effie's voice announcing dinner. When I walk into the room it's quite. I take a seat and start to eat whatever is in front of me. Not paying much mind to the artistically prepared food that sit on the table. I'm only here to satisfy my body's need for food not to have a conversation. The nightmares are hard enough to handle. It will be harder on a empty stomach.
"So you're just gonna scowl at us all night or are you gonna say something pretty?" Haymitch asks taking a swig out of the bottle next to him not bothering to pour it into a glass.
"Haymitch, I'm not in the mood right now" I says.
"Sweetheart, just Incase you haven't notice none of us are in the mood. But we have to talk."
I look around the table and I catch Peeta eyes looking at me. He looks away fast training his eyes on the food in front of him.
"So what's with you two? Look like you haven't said one word to each other since that train ride back home." Haymitch states.
"Cause we haven't." Peeta says quickly.
I can't help but to think 'tattletale' a phrase I haven't used in years. I want to spit it at him but I hold my tongue. The lack of talking between us was the least of our worries. Peeta looks down at his food and doesn't say another word.
"Can't we just do this tomorrow? Can't we just rest for now? Before they slap cake makeup on my face and force me to make out with him." I say. I cringe at my own words. I didn't think about how harsh the words were gonna come out. I knew it would be a slap in the face. But then again I did warn them.
"Alright, alright relax. Nobody wants to be on this damn train either. Okay. We're all stuck here too." Haymich says. "But sorry to say we really don't have time to sit and lounging around in the pretty silks-" he throws a silk handkerchief across the table onto my plate. "-like you want to sweetheart. We arrive at eleven tomorrow and can't risk our starcross lovers looking so damn grime, like they've never met. So you both need to damn talk." Haymitch gets up to walk through the doors into that hall.
I don't say anything. I sit there staring at Peeta playing with his food with a spoon. His sun-streaked blonde hair stares me in the face. Strong artistic fingers hold the spoon. Broad shoulders frame the image that fills my head. A man's body no doubt, yet I occasionally see the boy I once knew.
I have a feeling he will always look like this through my eyes. I can't help it but I compare him to Gale's tall, lean figure. I know I shouldn't think of Gale. Being crazy in love with Peeta is survival for all of us. I shouldn't think of my dark haired handsome 'cousin' when I look at Peeta. But I do. Because as much as I don't want to admit it to myself, I know they are connected now. I better put on the best show with Peeta if I want Gale alive.
"Katniss. Can you stop staring at me? Its making me uncomfortable." Peeta says startling me.
I look away at once. My checks reddening. I can feel the heat on them. I apologize under my breath deciding now would be the choice to leave the table and go to sleep.
Later that night my nightmares stayed away and were replaced by dreams of his shoulders, shades of yellows, and deep blue eyes. Peeta's eyes.