Throughout my life I've generally been logical, cool, and collected. Okay, I'll admit the stress of things not being the way I want them to be, that is to say: perfectly symmetrical, can aggravate me some but other than that I'm a rather level-headed individual. It is difficult therefore to admit what I am about to. There is a strange turmoil brewing in my soul. Funny I should use the word "brewing" a word which is often associated with a witch as it is indeed a witch which is causing a disturbance in my usual composed personality.

I don't know how to begin other than to say that off the top of my logical head I can name twenty reasons why I should leave her yet because of the one highly irrational reason, one that my heart gives me, I choose to stay.

It is not her as a person which has me scared because she, herself, is perfect. Her laugh, her nervous smile, her awkwardness in social situations, and she is so beautiful. Maybe she's not the classic definition of beauty, but she's beautiful. Naked, she's beautiful. With me, she is beautiful. She's tender, gentle and yet so strong. She's strong in ways that are shocking and inspiring. How could one with such a soft personality who's faced such tragedy still be so perfect? Still so soft hearted?

One would assume being constantly punished and abused would leave someone cold or mean spirited and though she certainly hasn't left her past completely behind she is oddly and strangely accepting of it all. I am awed by her quiet resilience and ashamed that I could never suffer what she has been through and come out anything close to as adjusted as she is. She is the prime example of one's ability to survive.

When we are alone there is no reason we should not spend forever together; that we can't forget the past and just move on as a couple. However, when we add others to the equation it all falls apart. Surrounded her entire life and still being surrounded by such potent toxicity how could she not be tainted? The answer is that she can't be. Every second with her is like exposure to nuclear matter. I have, through her, become radioactive; even if I left now I won't be able to wash away the taint. I am forever scarred by her. I know, I know it's such a horrible thing to think of someone you love but I can't help it.

When she tells me she loves me I can't help but wonder: how can she know what love is? She's never known it. Her own mother willing to use and then abandon her, living without true friends, and only experiencing abusive lovers. She knows nothing about love except that she thinks she loves me.

I know she is trying but could she ever truly change? If I helped her could her life be what she deserves? If I pulled her away from the poison and fed her antidotes would I be able to save her? More importantly, would I still want her if she wasn't the asymmetrical mess that she is? If she was perfect like everything else in my life would she lose what makes her precious? I am afraid that it is her imperfection, her corrupted innocence, which has me drawn in and that terrifies me.

I know our tragic love story will end as predicted: tragically yet despite this I love her, despite this I give her my heart, despite this I cry when she is not with me. It pains me so. How long can such a relationship work out? How long and how deep until the burns cause more pain than the thought of losing her? I don't know the answers to these questions so my insides scream out in frustration.

Because of my heart I am no longer the calm, collected, or logical person I've become accustomed to being.

And I kind of like it.

Note: Inspired by my love life. Please let me know what you think, thanks!