You are My Sunshine
There are very few things Anthony Stark believed he is bad at, he admits the first thing would be cooking, he never had the chance to learn, growing up he had people to that for him, second would be keeping up with people's bullshit, and third…third is probably being a parental figure. He didn't keep it a secret to anyone, his relationship with his father isn't exactly what one will call warm. At some point he felt that his whole existence was for the sole reason that his father simply needed an heir to all this grandiosity.
At some point perhaps he had developed this thinking that he will never be a father like that, but that led him to fear being a parent or steward of a smaller life. That may have led him to short term relationships with people, until he met Pepper. Pepper is all that was he feared, she is truthful, bold and kind. Her patience with him brought Tony out of his brittle wall of defense made of neglect and childhood fears.
When he became Iron Man he thought that he gave his genius a true purpose, a sort of value towards others just like what Pepper did for him. He didn't care much of the fame or money, he had them already before he is even Iron Man. He just wanted to make something good for once.
Since he created that suit he believed that he will be able to love and protect others in this way, a small compensation for the sins he laid out for years of creating weapons of mass destruction. He thought he is doing better…but no…
As soon as he returned to Earth he saw that devastation that swept in their planet, he could have stopped it but he failed. Pepper is still alive though, she welcomed her with a tight and massive embrace. She exclaimed her shock and narrated everything from every normal people's point of view. It dawned to them like an earthquake, there was no warning it simply just came.
Loud sirens echoed everywhere, smoke from burning houses and restaurants fills the air of New York, car crashes everywhere, people calling the names of their lover, friends and relative that just simply vanished into thin air. Confusion draped over the entire planet, and darkness fills the hearts of those who had realized what happened, the very same darkness that embraced Tony's heart.
He tried to drown himself in work, he tinkled his ruined armor day and night blasting a loud music to kill the voices of blame whispering inside his head. Sometimes the music works and he gets two days straight in peace but most often it losses to the small voice telling how he is a sorry excuse of a hero, at those times he would find himself flaming up with anger and guilt. He refused to see anyone, take no calls or letter, not even to Pepper.
Sometimes he would see her there standing outside the workshop hesitating to click on the lock, often she would just turn around and leave. But as the days stretch to weeks, she begins to stay there by the door longer probably debating to herself as well if she should come in or not. On the fourth week she decided it is time.
The loud music stops as she walks in quietly, she first thing she points out to is the mess and Tony dodges her comment with his usual snarky remark but Pepper knows this is not the usual Tony. She had seen her in all of his shapes, in his triumph and in his loss, in his excitement and in his fear, in his doubt and in his absolution, and this is despair.
"You need to get out and tell her." Pepper says.
Tony keeps his eyes on the piece of metal before him poking through the intricate circuits.
"Whatever you are talking about Pep, save it when I'm done here."
"And when is that? In another month, the next month after that , maybe a year?"
"Pep, I got something on—"
"Tony you gotta stop running away!"
Tony accidentaly cuts something in the circuit and curses loudly. He throws the object against the wall making a loud crashing sound.
"Fuck it!" he curses again.
There was silence between them. Pepper finds herself lost at the sight of his fiancé. He drops to a stool nearby and rubs the heel of his palm against his forehead. Pepper knew Tony had barely slept, he took naps inside his workshop but that was all there was.
"When will you ever tell me?" she asks in a softest voice. "Tony, when you left I…FRIDAY said you were with Spiderman, Peter. Where is the boy?"
Tony remains quiet for a moment before he lifts up his head.
"He's gone."
Pepper closes her eyes as she accepts his answers.
"I-I couldn't save the kid. H-He was r-right there and I-I…"
Pepper shakes her head and walks up to Tony, she reaches towards him and wraps her arms around her neck in a hug. She could feel the tremor in his body.
"E-Every single time I close my eyes I hear him pleading for me to save him, I hear him call my name and telling me doesn't want to die yet. I can't save him, I-I just—"
"It's not your fault Tony."
Anthony Stark could argue but he felt so drained, he holds Pepper close to him. He is truly a man who has everything and nothing. Pepper peels herself off and look at Tony.
"I know it hurts for you, but Tony you got to let her know."
Tony's eyes widen at that. No, no, he doesn't want to be there he can't be.
"No, Pep you could just ring up Happy and—"
"Tony."
Tony hears the warning in her tone. He knows what she means, and to be honest it would be only natural for people to do that but he is scared.
"His Aunt had called forty seven times in a span of a week, all of them are for you, she wants to know what happened to her nephew. Tony she deserves the truth." Pepper says holding Tony's calloused hands. "Please just give her this peace."
.
.
.
Ding Dong.
She opens the door and her eyes quickly fell towards the black tinted sunglasses of Tony Stark as the man stands there in a black suit. Her eyes widen and she quickly opens the door wide for him.
"I-I'm sorry for calling so many times!" May Parker said almost stumbling in her own words. "P-Please come in first."
This is it, Tony tells himself as he inhales the scent of their dainty apartment. This is what he fears most. He pulls up his best stoic façade as he steps in the house. May closes the door and she quickly offers a refreshment, Tony doesn't answer but she takes them anyways.
"I-I'm really sorry, I-I just don't know who to ask." May says in a frantic voice as she pulls out a pitcher of orange juice and pours Tony a glass.
May sets the glass on the table while Tony remains standing in the middle of the room.
"Mr. Stark—"
"Can I see his room?" Tony asks May catching the woman off guard.
May smiles sheepishly but nods anyways. "I-If it helps I guess."
Tony braces himself, a part of him knows this is stupid but he is there, he just somehow wants to see it. May opens Peter's room and Tony steps in. It is a mess, there were posters loosely hanging on the walls and small gadgets scattered on the floor. Tony remembers the very first time he is there. He sat down on that small bed with the boy asking him if he would want to go to Germany. He wonders if he had taken that 'no' for an answer would he still be here still?
His eyes falls towards Peter's desk, a stack of book is there a note that says homework, sadly that would remain homework.
He could have been more, Peter could have been a scientist like Bruce—minus turning to a massive green creature, or some successful guy graduating with the highest degree from his college. He could have gotten a girlfriend, drunk his ass off on a party, and actually become a kid that he is but no. He was too good for this world and so they took him.
His eyes catches a familiar shirt lying down on the floor and he finds himself almost breaking. A white shirt with a print I Survived My Trip to NYC, he remembers this shirt of course, he remembers the words he said to him…all too well.
"I wanted to be like you."
"I want you to be better."
The kid is already better than he ever was at that age, he wished he saw it himself.
"If you die I think it's on me, I don't need that in my conscience."
He lied, half of it, because he simply cannot have him dead. He can't afford to lose another, and he was the closest thing he had to a son, he was the closest thing he had in redeeming his father's mistake. When he had him, he just thought that maybe he is more capable of taking a responsibility, in truly being attached to something.
He fought the tears back as his mind pulls him back to that day. He thought that becoming Iron Man he would be able to save people, he thought he was doing the right thing and yet he couldn't protect him though he swore he would.
He could have been so much more than a pile of ash in his old wrinkling and calloused hands.
"Mr. Stark do you have any idea…"
"He's gone." Tony drops it.
May is quiet for a while before erupting to a humourless laugh, Tony turns his back on her unable to see the look on her face. Her laughter dies and turns to tears, she falls to her knees gripping the doorframe of the boy's room. Tony closes his eyes and helplessly listens to the woman's grievance.
Tony had seen many things in his life, he had lost people, saw men losing their wives, mother's losing their children, a brother losing his sibling and yet no experience of this area could have prepared him for this hurt. There is a hole now in soul that is bigger than one in his chest which he is afraid would never be filled by anything again.
"Did he suffer?" she asks tears streaming down her cheeks.
Tony closes his eyes again and curls his hands to a fist.
He lies.
"No."
.
.
.
Pepper returns to the property and finds Tony in the middle of a nearly empty room, he sits there in the lone couch and his eyes stares right at the hologram screen playing Peter's poorly compiled videos on YouTube. As Pepper approaches she hears Tony's lazy singing voice.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy when the skies are gray,
You'll never know dear how much I've love you…
Please don't take…my sunshine away."
Pepper purses her lips as tears stream down her face, she walks up to Tony and pulls him in an embrace.
"I think he knows you loved him Tony."