The Sunscreen Marketing Board
Ladies and gentlemen, wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. But you know, sunscreen isn't just for wearing anymore; it removes stains, it can substitute for butter in many recipes, and leaving an open tube of sunscreen in your fridge helps keeps it smelling coconut fresh. To learn more about sunscreen, contact the Sunscreen Marketing Board. The rest of my advice has no more dept than a motivational poster, but that's pretty profound for a novelty song, so I will dispense it…now.
Pay no attention to the power and beauty of your youth. That way, when you turn old, you'll still be happy.
Don't worry about the future, or know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve algebra by chewing bubblegum. And why chew bubblegum, when a small piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for long-lasting taste satisfaction.
Do one thing every day that scares the person you're stalking.
Sing. But don't necessarily make an album, especially if you're William Shatner.
Don't be reckless with other peoples' hearts. In fact, put those lungs down, too. The organ bank is not a playground.
Stretch. Floss. Use the included tool to retighten the screws after a few weeks. If symptoms persist, call a doctor.
Get plenty of calcium. Don't eat it, just hoard it.
Be kind to your niece. You'll miss her when she's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll marry your children, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Maybe you feel like chicken tonight. How should I know, I've never even met you.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Then, bury it out in the yard with the others. It's creepy how you keep a body around the house.
Dance. Even if you have nothing to dance to but a spoken-word novelty song backed by a generic techno track that sounds kind of like Enya but without the edge.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Do not read crossword puzzles, they will only make you feel like you don't know what all those words are. Do not read carpet sample books, it's not that kind of a book. Read sunscreen.
Get to know your parents. Also try to memorize where you live.
Understand that friends come and go, but you have to stay here. That's why they call it house arrest.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Live in Edmonton once, but leave. Live in Los Angeles once, but leave again. After a brief stint in St. Louis get traded to New York, and then retire. Hey, you're Wayne Gretzky!
Flush.
Remember: Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past out of the trash, wiping it off, covering the bottom with green felt, gluing some little plastic googy eyes on it, putting it back on your coffee table for a while, and then throwing it back in the trash again.
But trust me on the sunscreen. And write to the Sunscreen Marketing Board for more great sunscreen-related gift ideas, recipes, and a free sunscreen coloring book!
To listen top the "song" go to http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/37/three_dead_trolls_in_a_bag.html
Ladies and gentlemen, wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. But you know, sunscreen isn't just for wearing anymore; it removes stains, it can substitute for butter in many recipes, and leaving an open tube of sunscreen in your fridge helps keeps it smelling coconut fresh. To learn more about sunscreen, contact the Sunscreen Marketing Board. The rest of my advice has no more dept than a motivational poster, but that's pretty profound for a novelty song, so I will dispense it…now.
Pay no attention to the power and beauty of your youth. That way, when you turn old, you'll still be happy.
Don't worry about the future, or know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve algebra by chewing bubblegum. And why chew bubblegum, when a small piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for long-lasting taste satisfaction.
Do one thing every day that scares the person you're stalking.
Sing. But don't necessarily make an album, especially if you're William Shatner.
Don't be reckless with other peoples' hearts. In fact, put those lungs down, too. The organ bank is not a playground.
Stretch. Floss. Use the included tool to retighten the screws after a few weeks. If symptoms persist, call a doctor.
Get plenty of calcium. Don't eat it, just hoard it.
Be kind to your niece. You'll miss her when she's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll marry your children, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Maybe you feel like chicken tonight. How should I know, I've never even met you.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Then, bury it out in the yard with the others. It's creepy how you keep a body around the house.
Dance. Even if you have nothing to dance to but a spoken-word novelty song backed by a generic techno track that sounds kind of like Enya but without the edge.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Do not read crossword puzzles, they will only make you feel like you don't know what all those words are. Do not read carpet sample books, it's not that kind of a book. Read sunscreen.
Get to know your parents. Also try to memorize where you live.
Understand that friends come and go, but you have to stay here. That's why they call it house arrest.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Live in Edmonton once, but leave. Live in Los Angeles once, but leave again. After a brief stint in St. Louis get traded to New York, and then retire. Hey, you're Wayne Gretzky!
Flush.
Remember: Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past out of the trash, wiping it off, covering the bottom with green felt, gluing some little plastic googy eyes on it, putting it back on your coffee table for a while, and then throwing it back in the trash again.
But trust me on the sunscreen. And write to the Sunscreen Marketing Board for more great sunscreen-related gift ideas, recipes, and a free sunscreen coloring book!
To listen top the "song" go to http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/37/three_dead_trolls_in_a_bag.html