The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone online for fame and fortune. Just more fun with Krieger's Korner!
Things Happen At Happenings
"Hello!" Krieger waved. He was in a booth at a fancy and familiar bar. "Welcome once again to Krieger's Korner! And once again we're at Happenings! Where things happen!"
"Last time we caused a minor riot," Ray quipped. He was sitting beside Krieger. "Let's see what damage we can do this time!"
"That's the spirit," Pam nodded.
"You all know my co-hosts slash partners in crime," Krieger pointed. "Ray, Pam and…Where's Cheryl?"
"She's checking on the kitchen for some reason," Pam waved. "She'll be back."
"Unfortunately," Ray quipped.
"Hey as long as she's bringing out those Crab Rangoons and mini quiches," Pam ate some. "I don't care! Try the Crab Rangoons at Happenings! And the mini quiches!"
"Okay now that we've gotten the obligatory commercial out of the way," Krieger said. "Time to get to the good stuff."
"Unfortunately, we don't have any good stuff," Ray quipped.
"I don't know," Pam ate some more. "These quiches are pretty damn good!"
"Let's start with a discussion of the major news going on right now," Krieger said. "You guys know anything about any major news going on right now?"
"Good to see you've done your homework," Ray quipped.
"Well do you have any news?" Krieger asked.
"Actually, I do," Ray said. "You know my brother Randy?"
"The one in jail for life on pot charges?" Pam asked.
"Technically it was more so for the illegal weapons charges and the shootout with the cops," Ray corrected. "Good news. He got his sentence reduced to twenty-five years!"
"That's good news?" Krieger asked.
"Compared to life in prison yes," Ray said.
"How did he manage to get his sentence reduced?" Pam asked.
"He informed the authorities in the IRS about some money laundering deals that went down," Ray explained.
"Won't he get in trouble for snitching?" Pam asked.
"No," Ray shook his head. "The person he informed them about was his soon to be ex-wife so…"
"Gotcha," Pam nodded.
"And she turned on him first so…" Ray added.
"Say no more," Krieger said. "Seriously Ray. Say no more about this topic."
"As long as we're talking about family I'd like to say something," Pam said. "My Aunt Shirley's trial got thrown out of court. Assault with a pig. For lack of evidence."
"Oh, good lord," Ray groaned.
"Apparently right before the trial she had this really bitching barbecue…" Pam began.
"Can we move on?" Ray asked.
"That might not be a bad idea," Krieger blinked. "Let's go onto the Debate of the Day!"
"Usually our debates are about what day it's best to get plastered," Pam quipped.
"Today's topic is about robots," Krieger said. "Replacing human jobs."
"Depends on which jobs they take," Pam quipped. "Let's be honest. There's a lot of jobs nobody wants to do."
"But enough about Ms. Archer's dates," Ray quipped. "Zing!"
"Who really wants to make minimum wage picking fruits and vegetables?" Krieger added. "Working registers and cleaning up garbage? I don't!"
"It's not about wanting to do those jobs Krieger," Ray explained. "It's about supporting this little habit people have. They like to eat!"
"So we retrain them to be robot supervisors and engineers!" Krieger said. "Come on! Why not get on the robot bandwagon?"
"You don't think…?" Pam looked at Ray.
"Hang on," Ray looked at Krieger. "Krieger what is love?"
"A wonderful feeling you get when you're doing something you really like!" Krieger blinked. "Like having sex!"
"Well that does sound like him," Pam said. "And he didn't explode so…"
"Wait you thought I was one of my cyborgs?" Krieger asked.
"Just checking," Ray shrugged.
"It's not like you haven't done that in the past," Pam pointed out.
"Guys all my robot clones were scrapped months ago," Krieger said.
"So you say," Pam said.
"Let's move onto another segment," Ray suggested.
"Sorry I'm late!" Cheryl stormed over to them. "You would not believe the day I had!"
"New segment," Ray quipped. "Let's Hear Cheryl Bitch About Her Problems!"
Cheryl went on. "Okay first my stupid board of stupid directors keeps calling me, bitching about every stupid little thing going wrong. And I'm telling them, Hey! I pay you assholes to fix the problems going wrong with my company! And then one of them says that I'm one of the major problems of the whole organization!"
"I'm guessing he was fired," Ray remarked.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "I promoted some low-level lackey that happened to be in the room to his position. Then I told my board that I could replace them all if they didn't shape up and do their jobs! That usually shuts up the board. Unfortunately, things got worse from there when I got here!"
"Things got worse for you?" Ray asked sarcastically. "What happened? Someone ask for a raise?"
"My head chef!" Cheryl told him. "Of course, I said no and if he asked again I would can his ass! Then he says he's quitting to start his own restaurant! So I said Fine! Then I promoted one of the sous chefs to be head chef.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
Everyone turned to look. The camera was moved to reveal a man in a chef's outfit being attacked by lobsters. He was trying to fight them off but they were holding on fast to his hands, body and nose.
The camera turned back to the gang. Cheryl shrugged. "I'm starting to think he's not up to the job."
"GET THESE PINCHY THINGS OFF OF ME!" The man was heard screaming off camera.
"On top of that," Cheryl went on. "The sushi chef and the dessert chef got into a fight. Apparently, the dessert chef got caught sleeping with the sushi chef's wife."
CRASH! BANG! BASH!
"TAKE THAT YOU CHEATING BASTARD!" A man was heard shouting in the distance.
"Then half my waiters run off!" Cheryl groaned. "See there's an INS retirement party in one of the private rooms. And one of the agents that's not retiring got a little nosy."
"I FOUND ANOTHER ONE!" Someone was heard shouting.
The camera was turned again. Two INS agents were escorting a blonde waiter in handcuffs. "I'm telling you I'm a tourist!" The man protested.
"For seven years?" One INS agent shouted.
"I haven't finished seeing everything yet," The man in handcuffs protested as he was dragged away.
The camera was on Cheryl again. "Did you know Canada is considered another country? I didn't!"
Krieger spoke up. "Now it's time for the segment we call Helpful Hints! Anybody got any good ones?"
"How about writing a script before doing a show?" Ray quipped.
"Here's a tip I got from one of my mother's kitchen maids," Cheryl said. "Vinegar kills bacteria. Use two tablespoons white distilled vinegar to a pint of water. Use this solution to wash your vegetables! But don't drink it! I learned that the hard way! Yuck!"
Pam added one. "One good way to reduce stress! Watching cartoons! Watch them!"
Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Pander much?"
Ray added one. "Lampshades get dusty too. Get rid of that dust by using a lint roller. Or a pet hair brush. Just don't have any pet hair on the brush if you use that one."
"Here's what my Aunt Ethel used to keep her hair healthy and shiny," Pam said. "Mix two tablespoons of honey with a half cup of warm water. Massage into your hair and scalp and let sit for thirty minutes. Then rinse."
"Does that really work?" Ray asked.
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "Just don't do it outside. Or near flowers. Or near a beehive. As my Aunt Ethel learned the hard way."
"Ouch," Krieger winced.
"Yeah," Pam sighed. "What made it worse was she was allergic to bee stings. Nice funeral though. And her hair looked great."
"Okay…" Krieger began.
"Her face…" Pam went on. "Not so much. I mean the undertakers did what they could and managed to get rid of the redness. But the swelling…"
"Oh my God!" Cheryl spoke up. "The exact same thing happened with my Aunt Felicity! Only without the honey hair! In her case she just wasn't looking where she was going and rode her bicycle straight into Cousin Gilbert's beehives."
"Moving on…" Krieger began.
"And it didn't help that she sprayed herself with this homemade concoction of grapefruit juice and sugar water because she thought that would make her skin glow," Cheryl went on. "She didn't glow as much as turned red. And that was before she was stung by bees. Turns out Aunt Felicity was also allergic to grapefruits. That's why she crashed into beehives. Her face was swelling up and she couldn't see where she was going…"
"I can see where this is going," Ray quipped.
"Anyway, the funeral was a disaster," Cheryl told them. "A total train wreck."
"What? Her relatives made complete and total asses of themselves?" Pam asked.
"No," Cheryl shook her head. "It was an actual train wreck. See Felicity requested that her funeral be on one of the family trains. And you know how they sew the lips on the dead bodies so that they stay in place? Turns out there were a couple of bees still alive inside Aunt Felicity and the undertaker did a terrible job of sewing so they got out and scared the conductor...Who also…this is an incredible coincidence, was also allergic to bees…"
"How many died?" Ray groaned.
"Fifteen from the crash," Cheryl said. "And the conductor from bee stings. Sixteen in all. Seventeen if you count the horse from the buggy that was crossing the train tracks at the time. This happened back in the old days before cars."
"Cheryl with all these crazy stories you tell about your family…" Pam said. "I'm amazed that there are any Tunts left alive at all!"
"Well there are a lot less than there used to be," Cheryl admitted. "Particularly after that one branch of the Tunt clan had that disastrous family reunion on a paddleboat ten years ago. Going over Niagara Falls…"
"I have a tip," Krieger spoke up. "Never ask Cheryl how her family is doing."
"What's left of them," Pam quipped.
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"I'll KILL YOU!"
"GO AHEAD AND TRY!"
CRASH! SMASH!
The camera turned to see two men fighting with knives coming out of the kitchen. Waitresses and waiters ran in terror from the sight. Then the two men were tackled by several INS agents.
"DUDE WE'RE LEGAL!" One of them shouted. "IN FACT, WE WERE BORN HERE!"
"YEAH! THIS IS A STRICTLY AMERICAN FIGHT!" Another shouted. "BUZZ OFF!"
"YOU CAN'T HAVE KNIFE FIGHTS IN RESTAURANTS!" One shouted. "OWWW! I'VE BEEN STABBED! I'VE BEEN STABBED!"
"I have another tip," Ray remarked as several officers attacked and arrested the two men. "Make sure none of the chefs are sleeping with each other's wives or girlfriends."
"And if they are," Pam quipped as the camera turned back to them. "Don't give them knives."
"AAAAH! DON'T TASE ME BRO!" One man screamed.
"THEN DON'T STAB ME BRO!" An INS Agent shouted. "WE NEED BACKUP! WE NEED BACKUP!"
"And here come the cops," Krieger said as sirens were heard. "Wow. It's weird not being the reason the cops are called in. So, this is what it's like on the other end?"
"I think this restaurant just made the evening news," Ray said.
"That's one way of getting publicity," Cheryl shrugged.
"Honey I think you're going to have to close the restaurant," Ray winced. "At least until the blood splatter is off the walls."
"Damn it," Cheryl pouted. "Why does everything happen to me?"
"Well at least we can't get blamed for this," Krieger waved.
"Well…" Cheryl paused. "I did sort of kind of tell David that his wife was cheating on him. And showed him the video they made and posted online so technically…"
"AAAHHHH!" The blonde Canadian ran by in handcuffs.
"COME BACK HERE!" Another INS agent ran after him.
Krieger looked in the camera. "Join us next time on Krieger's Korner. Where we will go to a much quieter location. Like the freeway during rush hour!"