Renegade

How Severus got so Bitter

Remus hated talking to teachers. He hated talking in general. Therefore, Remus was a quiet boy who liked to read. Reading was a way of leaving reality behind. He loved getting away from the worry and constant fear that was his reality.

Quiet boys were rarely ever noticed and generally went through life in the dusty shadows of someone else. Remus liked James' shadow. The boy was a powerhouse of popularity; jock, jokester, a real leader of the pack. Remus liked the pack as well. Sirius was a rebel that liked the attention and Peter was more like Remus, quiet and unnoticed, someone else who needed the dynamic duo to survive. There was an unspoken rule that the four of them followed; hate the Slytherins.

Remus found this rule to be mildly difficult to follow for a dark brooding Slytherin with a fantastically massive nose was one of those people he just couldn't hate. They never talked, the Slytherin had the same complex Remus did. So in classes the two houses were forced to have together, Remus stared and thought of the conversations they could have if either one ever found their voice.

He didn't realize in those early days what his fascination with Severus Snape was. He assumed that one day this distant allure would become something like a friendship. Maybe one day the pair would talk and everything would be jolly. This was clearly not what happened.

It was an unusually sunny day when Remus got up the courage to talk to him. Severus was sitting under a tree, reading. Remus knew the book from a considerable distance; he liked it and knew he could easily talk about it. Books were not social things; therefore, Remus felt they were okay.

James and Sirius were off tormenting Lily Evans, Peter soaking it all up. It would only be a matter of days after this chat that the pair would round on Severus.

"Hello."

Severus slowly drew his eyes away from the pages of his rather tattered book. "Yes?"

"I'm Remus." When Severus didn't return the handshake Remus thrust towards him, he began to panic. "I saw you were reading a book that I read too and I've seen you around before so I came over and said hello." Remus was embarrassed at how many words just spilled out of his mouth.

Severus continued staring at this intruder. He had never been approached like this before, and by a Gryffindor no less. He was an awkward person, he had no idea what to say, what was a socially acceptable response. "Hello."

Remus exhaled slightly and his lips fell into a half smile. "Do you like it?"

Severus looked confused.

"The book, I mean."

"Uh…yes, it's a really good read."

"I agree, I had to have finished it in a bit over a day."

"I wish I had the time to read like that." Severus automatically looked away as Remus pulled up a patch of grass beside him.

"I don't really get all that much sleep," Remus said, settling into the tree trunk. "I kind of find reading to be my ultimate relaxation."

Severus' mouth went dry, a fear instinct kicked in. He began his usual questioning of motives as James Potter and Sirius Black walked over like royalty.

"Hey Remus, what're you doing over here with old Snape?"

Severus felt his chest tighten, James sounded rehearsed, like he put Remus up to it. It was always a trap with Gryffindors.

Remus didn't really know the words to say, there were many reasons he could have chosen that would have been better than what he said.

"Oh, nothing at all." He hastily got up and brushed his pants off.

James beamed that winning smile and slung his arm around Remus' shoulders. "Enjoy your book Snivellus!"

Severus watched Remus being carried away. It was a shame he got so caught up in such trash like James Potter.

Remus wanted to go back. He wanted to sit back under the tree and talk about literature with Severus Snape. He was a smart boy, it made Remus feel like much less of a freak. James, however, took to Severus like a hawk. He was his prey, and Remus couldn't help but feel like he led his friend right to him.

There wasn't a moment in the light of day when Remus could be seen with Severus. Classes were much too segregated to sit near him. He made a point to spread small glances in the hall, friendly half-smiles as they passed each other in the shadows of those they followed. Severus never returned them and soon took to watching his feet as he walked. Remus went back to his quiet self and the friendship that might have flourished became nothing at all.

James loved the nickname he had created for Severus. He was very proud like he always was. Sirius took to it quite naturally. The pair could have been brothers, wrestling and finishing each others jokes. Remus felt a bit ill every time he saw Severus' face. There was a sadness that he felt was his fault but he was not strong enough to discourage James or Sirius from carrying on.

The library, being a place filled with books, made it the perfect place to find Severus alone, without the façade of James and Sirius. Remus spent many of his nights there scanning the many aisles, eventually getting sidetracked by an interesting title and falling asleep amongst the pages.

Remus wasn't the only one searching. Severus, too, found the library a probable place to be accepted and made himself cozy in a far corner. It was just by chance the pair missed each other. James and Sirius spent their nights making their rounds, if one shadow was missing, they would never know.

His heart skipped when he met his eyes.

Remus blinked first and moved to a lone desk in the potions section. He felt his palms sweating, the danger of it all. There was a bit of a nervous twitch when Severus sat next to him. Not across. Next to.

"Hello," the Slytherin said without looking at him.

The word was comforting in an odd, awkward sense. "Hi."

"What are you studying?"

Remus looked down to see which book he was clutching. "Transfiguration. I'm rubbish."

"Me too."

The two boys let their eyes meet the others.

"I'm sorry," Remus began. "About the other week."

"It's not really your fault. You can't help how Potter and Black are."

"I-I want to be your friend." Remus' voice wavered with sincerity.

Severus looked at his hands. "I guess we could keep it a secret or something."

"It's a bit absurd to think about hiding a friendship."

"It was just an idea," Severus quickly interjected.

"It's what it's come to, I suppose." Remus locked eyes with the Slytherin. "Friends?"

Unlike before, Severus took Remus' hand in a cordial handshake.

Severus and Remus kept public relations at a low; simple glances and curt nods of the head were the only passing words until night fell when they would meet in the library with the newest book they had started or some other exciting find. There was a similar core to the pair; the hunger for knowledge. Their meetings soon became impromptu Potions lessons; Remus was glad to get the help.

"No, no, finely chopped grassroot after the dragon's blood." Severus gripped Remus' wrist preventing the uneven chunks of grassroot from falling into the thin red potion. He handed him the vial of blood and watched Remus portion it out. The surface hissed a pale yellow smoke, Severus smiled.

"Good job. Though I'm not sure how your grassroot is going to turn out."

Remus looked a bit disappointed at his chopping job.

"Let me see it." Severus took the knife from his hand and began to mend the butchered greenery.

Other times Remus, who was fond of history and charms, tutored Severus. He enjoyed nothing more than creating flashcards and study aids for the Goblin Revolts and Troll Rights Laws. He got a little giddy when Severus confessed his problem with the Disarming Charm.

They abandoned the library for a disserted classroom. Spelling the door, Remus got to work.

"An even swish and flick motion." He demonstrated. "Try it."

Severus tried his very best at disarming his friend.

"I think my wand gave a bit of a twitch, there." Remus gave a positive smile.

"I'm no fucking good."

"No one's perfect the first try! Here," Remus reached around from the back, leading Severus' arm in a perfect motion. "Do you feel that?"

Remus didn't know his breath hit Severus' neck; the Slytherin gave a slight shiver. Remus dropped his wrist and stepped back.

"Uh, okay then, give it a go."

"Right." Severus posed, wand at the ready. "Expelliarmus!"

Remus' wand flew neatly out of his hand and skidded to a halt at Severus' feet.

"Bravo Severus! That was perfect!"

They awkwardly celebrated with a version of the high five before tying again.

"Your potion skills are vastly improving there, Remus," James acknowledged one class.

"You can't be horrible at something forever."

He laughed. "Oh I always imagined you'd never catch on to this one."

Remus was proud of his nearly perfect Sleeping Drought. He had caught his dire mistake before making it and managed to chop his grassroot evenly.

Before lunch, most students enjoyed one of the final nice days of the season. James and Sirius instantly took to picking on those smaller than them, Remus pulled out his newest book and sat under a tree.

"Oh look who it is! It's Snivellus, everyone!" James and Sirius laughed as they picked on their favorite Slytherin.

"How's the book, Snivelly? Any better the twelfth time reading it?"

Sirius snatched the tattered book from Severus' hands and began to recite a paragraph.

"Give it back, Black."

James easily restrained the gangly Slytherin with one arm. "Look at you Snape, all powerful and mighty."

Peter was the only to laugh. Remus felt sick as Severus caught his eye, piercing black pleading with him to come to the rescue. But he couldn't. Not now. It wouldn't be okay to cross the line just yet. James would stop.

Severus stumbled to the grass as James released him. Sirius was done with his monologue and tossed the book to join him on the ground. Severus snatched it and quickly billowed inside.

Remus caught himself rising to follow him.

James laughed to himself. "Bloody Slytherins." He messed up his hair and smiled a charming smile. "You ready for tonight, Remus?"

"I'm never ready." It was a full moon that night, Remus had been on the twitchy side all day.

After an early dinner, the Headmaster would lead him to the shack under the Whomping Willow to writhe and scream alone as the moon transformed him into a monster. He didn't have the chance to tell Severus he couldn't meet tonight. All the worse now that James had gone and made a spectacle of him again.

The sun began to set and Remus excused himself from the Great Hall to meet the Headmaster as planned. He felt like a prisoner carted off to jail as he marched towards his torture chamber.

"Thank you, sir."

The Headmaster nodded and left Remus until morning.

The next evening, quite a bit later than usual, Remus met Severus in the customary rare potions aisle of the library.

"You're late."

"I'm sorry, I got playing chess with James and Sirius needed a bit of help on his essay for History of Mag-."

"I don't care."

"You're mad about me not sticking up for you."

"I'm mad about a few things, actually."

Remus swallowed. He didn't want to get into this. "Well, let it out."

Severus closed his book. "You could've told me you weren't coming last night. Of course I should have figured since you sided with those bloody friends of yours. I just don't understand why we can't be friends outside of this dusty, stifling old library! It could be the start of something good for Hogwarts."

"I couldn't tell you I wasn't coming."

"That's bullshit!"

"Severus, keep your voice down…"

"I don't want to be quiet anymore, Remus. I'm tired of being pushed around by Gryffindors like you!"

Remus felt like he had been shot. His eyes widened in shock. "Gryffindors like me?"

"Well you sure as hell don't stick up for me."

"That doesn't mean I wouldn't."

"You'd never leave James."

Remus knew he was right. "He's not all bad –"

"You're not the one constantly at the end of his jokes."

Remus was getting angry. He hated the way Severus couldn't see past James and his stupidity. "I'm not James, don't get angry at me because you're angry at him."

Severus knew he was right. "I should go."

Remus didn't protest as he shoved his book into his bag and stormed out of the library.

"Bloody Slytherins." Remus slammed his fist onto the desk.

Snape hated himself for leaving but he couldn't turn back now. He put his head down and continued all the way out of the library where he stood as if waiting. He listened to his breathing, trying to slow his heartbeat. Suddenly, like a car crashing into to him, Severus' books were flung from his arms and he staggered forward. Regaining balance, he faced the wild first year, no doubt, who just rammed into him.

Instead, his eyes fell upon Remus, a bit hunched over, clearly shocked to run into anyone.

Severus steadied Remus by the shoulders, forcing their eyes to meet. It felt as though they were seeing each other for the first time. Remus reached towards Severus' neck with his right hand, his thumb rubbing a spot right behind the ear. He pulled their foreheads together, shaggy hair falling around their eyes.

Severus broke away, terrified. Remus ran.

No one said much after that. Remus kept hidden behind James and Severus felt better in the Slytherin common room. Neither boy went to the library, nor did they plan to ever again. Some line was crossed and it would be impossible to go back.

Remus stopped walking. Severus dropped his book.

The hall echoed of unspoken words and stifled feelings. Just like before, Remus ran. He ran down the three flights of stairs, through the Great Hall, and out into the crisp late autumn air. Students walked back and forth from the greenhouses, huddled in groups. Remus breathed deeply, he barely felt the cold on his skin. Not moments before he felt in the clear, the door spit out Severus.

Practically falling into Remus, he steadied himself and threw up his hood.

"Stupid idiot," he tugged the green scarf from his neck and handed it to Remus. "Are you trying to get sick?"

"I didn't know where else to run."

Severus liked the way his scarf looked around Remus' neck. He placed a hand on his shoulder. Remus pulled away. Severus put his other hand on the boy's neck. Remus didn't meet his eyes. He gripped the Slytherin's robes, glaring at the embroidered S on the front.

"Come on," Severus commanded.

Remus followed him around the corner of the castle and down a few steps into the courtyard.

"Ah, Remus, we've been looking for you, mate." James began to cross the frosty grass towards the pair. "Why are you with Snivillus?"

Remus felt drained, he was tired of talking himself out of things that ought to be perfectly okay. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"He's allowed to have friends other than you, Potter."

Remus was shocked to hear Severus' voice and feel his hand hugging him closer.

"Of course he's allowed, but he couldn't possibly be friends with you."

Remus kept his eyes tightly shut as he felt Severus' breath quicken.

"It won't be the first time you're wrong."

James laughed. "Remus, tell this fool the truth."

Forced to stand up on his own, Remus ran his fingers through his hair, stalling for time.

"Go on…"

"James, we're friends. It's not a law that we can't associate with Slytherin's you know, its just a silly rule you abide by that was made up by some bitter Gryffindor way back before our time."

"What could you possibly have in common! Severus Snape is nothing but a slime ball Slytherin deep into the dark arts, he could kill you at any moment!"

"James, listen to yourself, its absurd."

"You're absurd. I can't believe you're choosing that over us."

"Why do I have to choose!?"

"You just do!"

"Remus." He liked the way Severus said his name. "We can be renegades together. We can make this normal, leave the house rivalry out of our friendship."

"Why can't I have both?"

"Like he said," Severus looked away. "You just can't."

James stood and watched. He was scared. "Remus?"

He turned to face his best friend. "You-, you're right, I can't possibly be friends with both of you." Remus looked at his feet and stepped towards James. "It was silly to think that I could change a hundred year tradition on my own. I-I can't be an outcast Severus."

"So you'll leave me to be one?"

"You don't understand…"

"I understand perfectly well! After all this time you're just going to run back to King Potter? How long did we meet in secret, talking about books and magic? Months of a friendship that you're just going to throw away?"

"It wasn't a waste, what we had Severus."

"Come on, Remus, let's go."

He felt James' hand pull him gently away from Severus. "I'm sorry."

"Go to hell."

Severus watched Remus walk away. He didn't have the urge to run after him. He didn't really feel anything. No, he felt bitter. James Potter had managed to take it all away with one pretty smile and some emotional words. He hated him. Thoroughly hated him. It burned from the tips of his fingers that he balled into fists.

"I'm surprised that scarf hasn't tried to strangle you yet," James said as they entered the common room.

Remus let out a weak laugh. "I suppose you're right."

"I'm glad to have you back."

He gritted his teeth and smiled. "I'm going to go change, I'll be back down for dinner."

James clapped him on the back before spotting Lily Evans across the way and honed in.

Remus took the stairs slowly and sat for a while on his bed, turning the green scarf over in his hands. Finally, he folded it nicely and stuck it deep in his trunk, the only reminder of a moment in time when he didn't feel so different.