Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyright by A.D. Vision and was created by Studio Gainax animation. All their characters are used without permission. Those characters aren't mine. But Cookie and Creme are, SO HANDS OFF! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HAH!
Anyway, on to the story! ^_^
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The scenery is a dark room, so dark that only a few faint outlines of shapes can be seen. Than the lights came on and reveil the stage for old television show, 'Master Piece Theater.' The scenery has the typical fireplace, beautiful furnishings and two very expensive chairs. In one red velvet chair, a short, scruffy looking, redhead teenager was wearing formal clothing consisting of a similar red velvet coat, dark slacks, and a deep brown dress shirt was holding a book upside down. The only thing that contradicted the outfit was a red bandana worn on his forehead. Instead of using a pipe to smoke with, the redhead was inhaling on a joint.
"*HACK HACK* Gaa... Good stuff man..." he grinned sheepishly. "Welcome to the first chapter of 'NGE Theater'. I am your host, Creme, and this my co-host, Cookie." He pointed to the person in the chair next to him.
"Dude, this just ain't us man," said a rather tall man with tangled brown hair wearing a similar suit but minus the bandana and the joint siting next to Creme. He snapped his thumb and the scenery changed from the 'Masterpiece Theater' setting to a less formal one. Cookie and Creme are now sitting in two green 'LazyBoy' recliners with their feet propped up and staring straight at a big screen tv. It bared a strong resemblance to Joey and Chandler's old front-room from 'Friends.' Their clothing also changed from the stylish threads to their typical street cloths. Cookie was wearing his beat up brown trenchcoat and leather boots while Creme was back in his generation x punk outfit which composed of his 'Golden Girls' shirt and light pair of blue jeans.
"HEY!" Creme looked outraged by the changes.
Cookie sighed. "C'mon man, that just wasn't us."
Creme huffed and pouted. "You have no taste for the classics."
"And you have no taste period!" Cookie zinged Creme. He reached into his trenchcoat and pulled out a scotch bottle and chugged and grinned. He smiled and spoke to everyone. "My name's Cookie and this is my pal Creme, characters from the Sorcerer Hunter story 'Green With Evil' the very first ever Carrot-as-a-badguy-fanfic! We're here to show you numerous worlds where da' man himself, Shinji Ikari, is raised by different people. In some worlds, he'll become a kind person while in others, he'll be a little weird. Some stories will be funny while others are dark. But that's the point of this stuff: To entertain you. So tell me Creme, who's the first guy on our list?"
Creme sighed and pulled out a DVD and read the back. His sour disposition instantly brightened up. "FREAKIN' AWESOME! This isn't going to be so bad after all!"
Cookie smiled. "So Shinji was raised by a cool guy, huh?"
"THE COOLEST!" Creme handed Cookie the DVD.
Cookie looked it over and read the description about the man who would raise Shinji. His jaw dropped. "Oh my dear Lord!"
"Yeah, cool ain't he?" Creme looked rather chipper.
"HE'S OUT OF HIS FREAKIN' MIND!"
"But he is a better father than Gendo, right?" Creme smiled and wagged his finger.
Cookie looked uncertain. "I don't know about that..."
"C'mon Cookie, it'll be awesome." Creme than took the DVD back and plugged the disk into the player and hit play.
XXXXXXX
NGE Theater
Today's Story:
Twisted Genesis
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The Year 2015 AD...
"Damn! Why did I have to lose him at a time like this?" muttered the beautiful Misato Katsuragi while she drove though the evacuated streets of Tokyo 3. She frowned as she looked at the photo on top of the folder in the seat next to her. The name Shinji Ikari was written on the bottom and a rather cheerful looking boy in a bright red muscle-shirt along with a pair of light-blue baggy pants was shown staring at the camera with a very cheerful expression while sucking on a ice cream cone. She smiled at the photo, he looked like a wonderful kid. One thing was for sure though: He didn't take his cheerful attitude from his father.
She looked all around for any sign of the Third Child. "Lord Almighty, just where is this kid?" she asked to no one in particular.
XXXXXXX
"We're sorry, all lines have been disconnected."
Shinji stared at the phone with a dead look in his eyes. He glanced at a clock on a building wall. 12:50 pm.
Misato was late and if there was one thing Shinji hated was being kept waiting.
Reaching into his dufflebad, he pulled out a photo of a beautiful purple-haired woman who was bending over suggestively, showing off her body with an arrow pointing at her cleavage saying 'Get a load of this!' He raised an eyebrow... and ripped her picture in half before throwing it on the ground.
Next, he pulled out the letter that he had received not too long ago. It was address from his father and he had only written one word: COME. But below it, was two words written in bright red ink. 'HA HA'
Shinji grinned at the letter before stuffing it back into his bag. While his hand was still down into the dufflebad, he pulled out... a fudgesicle!
He was halfway through it when the Angel showed up.
The Angel was one of the most ugly things that Shinji had ever seen. With its hunchback shape, black body, long and slender limbs, and its bent beak made the Third Angel into something that nightmares were made of as it tore through the evacuated skyscrapers and empty streets. Portions of the building tops were flung across the city, smashing into the sidewalk and shorter buildings. Windows shattered, sending broken shards of glass around, imbedding into the ground. Truly, Hell had arrived in Tokyo 3.
Shinji raised an eyebrow, looked at the Angel carefully, and resumed licking his fudgesicle.
A car flew in from out of no where and Misato threw the door open. "HURRY! GET IN!" Shinji bent over and looked at Misato carefully while the Angel tore the city to shreads. Misato started freaking. "GET IN THE DAMN CAR!" The Angel was getting closer.
Shinji took the fudgesicle out of his mouth. "You're late," and put it back in. The Angel spotted them and was coming over.
Misato blinked in disbelief. "WILL YOU GET IN?!" The Angel was now only a block away.
Shinji shrugged his shoulders and climbed in so Misato pushed the pedals down and drove like hell just as the Third Angel stepped on the spot where they were only seconds ago.
XXXXXXX
"What the Hell is wrong with you?!" snapped Misato.
Shinji said nothing while he munched on his ice cream.
Misato sighed. She wasn't going to get anywhere with this kid. She took a closer look at him. For only being a boy of 14 years, he looked remarkablely in shape. He was extremely muscular, almost as built as a weightlifter but still maintaining his small size. A tight pair of blue elastic pants stretched around his legs which mirrored the firmness that the black muscle-shirt that was worn on his built chest. The pair of black army boots he wore also matched the thick black leather motorcyclist gloves that covered his hands to halfway up to his elbows. His black leather dufflebag, which was so large that it may as well have been an army soldier's bag, was between his legs.
Misato looked at his face with a detailed glare. His midnight-black hair was more spiky than shaggy, all hair strains nearly sticking straight up at different lengths. With the wind blowing through his open window, his hair resembled black flame that would twist and turn in the breeze. But the man-child's complexion was quite different than the dark clothes he wore. His skin was incredibly pale, Misato could have sworn that Shinji was an albino like Rei Ayanami except something wasn't right. On closer inspection, the young Katsuragi saw that his pale white skin seemed more and more unnatural with each passing second.
Than finally she got it. "Are you wearing makeup?"
Shinji nodded, still snacking on his ice cream.
Misato blinked. A 14 year old boy wearing pancake makeup? It appeared that the 'old college pal' that Commander Ikari left Shinji in care of was a rather strange man. But it was not her place to judge him. She put up a false front. "Sorry about that before," she apologized cheerfully. "I'm Misato Katsuragi; your father sent me here to pick you up."
Shinji, having finished his fudgesicle, threw the ice cream stick out the window.
"Hey! That's littering!" Misato yelled. "If a cop saw you-"
"Just shut up and drive bitch," he spoke coldly.
Misato growled. The commander ordered her to bring Shinji there in one piece, so shooting him wouldn't be a good thing. "Pleased to meet you Shinji." Her mouth ached giving the false smile. She extended her hand for a handshake while keeping the other hand on the driving wheel.
Shinji looked at the outstretched hand and stopped smiling. He spoke in a cold, quiet, voice. "Popsicle?" He held up an orange flavored ice cream bar from out of his bag.
Misato looked rather uneasy. The way he asked that question was pretty disturbing. "Uhm... no thanks, Shinji." She tried to look cheerful but was having difficulties faking it. "Say, you sure like ice cream, don't you?" She laughed nervously. "Where did you pick that up from anyway? Your father has _way_ too of a sour disposition to care about sweets!"
Shinji still looked at her coldly. "I got it from my... teacher." He started smiling but still continued speaking in a quiet, gravally voice. "He always had a bit of a... Sweet Tooth. Heh heh hee..."
XXXXXXX
Cookie: What if Twisted Metal's Sweet Tooth raised Shinji?
Creme: Two words man: BE AFRAID!
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Misato tried to start another conversation with Shinji. "So, uhm... Commander Ikari sent you to be raised by an ice cream truck driver named Charles Needles Kane, right? So how did you like being raised by him?" Misato asked but for some reason that name seemed oddly familiar.
Shinji remembered all the people he killed under Sweet Tooth's tutelage. "It was nice."
"Okay," she said. Seeing some more of the armed forces trying to engage the Angel out of the corner of her eye, she stopped both driving and the conversation. "Something is up," grumbled Misato as she reached for a pair of binoculars that Shinji was currently playing with. She was going to simply grab them and yank Shinji over, but he gave her a rather frightening glare that caused her to meekly pick them up. Misato's lip curled as she continued to peer through the lenses to the action taking place. She saw several aircraft pull away suddenly. "Oh no! They're gonna use an N2 mine!"
Shinji's dark disposition brightened. "Really? I haven't seen an N2 explosion since London last year," he said nostalgicly. He remembered when Minion tried to use one to kill off everyone in the tournament the previous year. Images of Londen burning from the explosion flashed through his mind. Thousands of people running the streets on fire, praying to God that they would die.
Good times. Shinji smiled.
Misato blinked. There was a report of a missing N2 mine that was stolen and used in Europe a year ago. So how did Shinji know that? She was about to ask when the mine detonated.
*BOOOOM*
There was a bright flash of light far into the distance and for a moment, nothing happened. Than the shockwave hit. "WAAAAaaaaa!" Misato's car was thrown across the street. It stopped on its side and the duo stepped out to take in the damage once the shockwave had ended. The young Katsuragi looked ready to have a crying fit while looking over her vehicle. "My car..." *sniffle sniffle*
She saw Shinji walking away with his giant dufflebag swung over one shoulder. "Hey! Just where are you going?" she demanded.
"To get MY car," Shinji said simply.
Misato blinked. "Your car? You're only 14! You can't have a car!"
Shinji laughed. "Sweet Tooth gave me his before he bought it in the last tournament."
"Who did what when?"
Shinji rolled his eyes. "Never mind bitch. Never mind." He walked off.
And for a long time, Misato Katsuragi just stood there, torn between duty and shock. Part of her wanted to go after the kid and drag him back while the smart part wanted to stay there, fix the car, and report to Gendo that the kid died when the N2 mine went off. But while she just stood there wondering what to do, Shinji finally got out of her sight and she had no idea where he went to. So she did the only thing she could do without any help: She stole another car. But she accidentally drove over some glass from a broken window and now had four flat tires.
While she was crying about ruining another car and charges of grand theft auto, her ears picked up something. It sounded like... music? She looked down the street and saw something rather strange. Shinji was driving a large white ice cream truck/van that was over sixteen feet long and eight feet high with a somewhat odd clown-face attached to his roof. The clown face emblem looked less like a jolly circus clown and more... disturbing. The face was twisted into a cruel, even psychotic, smile that stretched from ear-to-ear with a streak of metal red flame circling the top. On the side of the van was the words 'Tasty Treats' written in bright blood-red letters with dozens of pictures of ice cream bars and snow-cones lining the sides. But what was most disturbing was the music. He was playing the ice cream-man jingle while the Third Angel was wrecking Tokyo 3?
Shinji was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and held out his hand. "Come with me if you want to live. Heh heh heh."
"Uhm... oky doky." Misato nodded and got in. Once inside, she looked around the interior. Naturally, there was a huge freezer in the back where the ice cream would be stored. But some of the other items were a tad... strange. A gun-rack with over three dozen of the most lethal hand-held weapons ever designed? A case of hand grenades? A set of land mines? And so much machinery compacted in the back that could overstuff a tank?
Shinji was really beginning to frighten Misato.
"Uh, Shinji? We should hurry back to base. With the Angel already on his way, it might be a good idea to let me dri-"
"Finish that sentence and die, woman." Shinji was not joking.
"B-b-but the Angel is nearly there and with its momentum, you won't be able to outrun it! NERV HQ is over thirty miles away, we won't be able to reach it in time!"
Shinji smiled. "Wanna bet?"
XXXXXXX
Ten minutes later...
"No more please! For the love of God! NO MORE!" Misato's eyes were wild as Shinji drove into the NERV building.
Shinji scoffed. "Oh please, you said we had to get here in a hurry and we did. And I don't know why you're so upset. I got us here WAY before the Angel did. All I had to do was take a few shortcuts. I'm shocked that would freak you out so bad considering how you drive."
"You drove though a building! By all that is holy, you drove through a building! And who the HELL has a rocket launcher attached to their roof? YOU BLEW UP A WALL AND DROVE THOUGH A BUILDING! I COULD HAVE DIED! I COULD HAVE DIED! I COULD HAVE DIED!" Misato had a nice nervous breakdown.
Shinji rolled his eyes. "There's just no pleasing some people." He pulled out a plastic ID card and used it to enter the fortress.
XXXXXXX
Misato was shaking pretty badly as she looked behind her and saw Shinji loosing his patience. It had been over ten minutes since they started walking around the maze like corridors of NERV and it was only a minute ago when he said that if Misato didn't get him there, he was going to tear out her spine and impale her with it. "We'llbethereinaminute! Okayokay? I'mnotlost! I'mnotlost! Pleasedon'tkillme!" She wailed.
"You've got five minutes to get us there before I show you just how nasty I can be."
A door opened up and the sultry Dr. Ritsuko Akagi walked through. "Are you lost again Captain?" The blond doctor scowled at Misato.
Misato jumped into Ritsuko's arms and actually kissed her. "Thank God! Oh Rits, keep him away from me!"
"A lesbian, I KNEW IT!" Shinji clapped while looking rather proud of his deduction abilities.
Ritsuko blushed. "W-w-wait a minutes! I'm n-I'm not a-"
"Cut the stuttering blondy and take us to the hanger!" he ordered.
Ritsuko glared at the pseudo albino. "Now just a minute you! I'll-"
"Oh dear god, please don't kill her Shinji!" wailed Misato. Dr. Akagi glanced at her friend who looked ready to have a heart attack.
Ritsuko blinked for seeing her friend so scared. Next she looked at the Third Child. Short, muscular, tight muscle clothes, wearing clown makeup and sucking on a popsicle? Weird guy. She snickered. What was he? A pansy? She smirked when she thought how Gendo would put the little thug in his place. Her ears twitched. For a second, she could have sworn she heard two kids laughing at her somewhere.
"The Angel is nearby. Follow me!" She gestured irritably. Soon the trio were on their way, passing through the tunnels of NERV. A moment later, the trio were riding an elevator that passed by a gigantic glass wall that towered in the air above them. The glass wall appeared to be some sort of tank that was holding in what appeared to be a sea of some sort of semi translucent liquid.
Shinji didn't really care. The blond bitch was yacking about the probability of activating something while he was snacking on a strawberry snowcone. He finished it and tossed the wooden stick over the rails of the elevator. It whacked into some worker down below in the head and the fellow was going spastic. Shinji snickered momentary and reached into his pocket to grab another sweet, having left his dufflebag in his 'Tasty Treats' ice cream truck.
Shinji was about to start sucking on it when he came face-to-face with... A giant face! Shinji raised an eyebrow. "Even bigger than the one on my wheels," he compared the Eva's face with his vehicle's transformed one before returning his attention to his ice cream.
Ritsuko decided to ignore the comment and give her explanation. "This is humanity's last hope, the synthetic life form known as Evangelion."
Shinji stopped sucking, his black leather gloved hand holding the ice cream. "So this is what Gendy's been working on?"
"CORRECT!" came a voice from above though it was spoken a bit louder than usually. Gendo Ikari did not approve of his son calling him 'Gendy'.
Shinji looked upwards. "I'm real disappointed pops. Here you are, in charge of protecting the world, and all you've been doing is playing with giant dolls. Rather pathetic life you've spending the last ten years dad." Shinji snickered and for the briefest of moments, Gendo blushed.
His blush faded and he resumed his normal cold attitude. "It's been a while."
Shinji lost all his humor and glared. "You've had plenty of barrowed time, pops. I hoped you used it well." Everyone in the hanger heard the Third Child and stopped dead. Misato had no doubt that the commander's son was planning something wicked for his father.
The base rocked from an explosion. "It's coming," he said quietly. "We're moving out."
"What?" gasped Misato. "Unit Zero is still in cryostasis! Waitaminute! You're gonna use Unit One?" The purple haired lass seemed to realize this all at once.
"Their's no other choice Captain," said Ritsuko.
"No wait! Rei can't do it yet can she? We don't have a pilot!" yelled Misato. She was hoping to god that her suspicions for Shinji being there were wrong.
"We just received one," replied Ritsuko.
Misato nearly peed in her pants at the thought of Shinji piloting the most powerful weapon in the world. "...we're all gonna die..." she whispered.
Ritsuko ignored her quietness and turned to the muscle-bound man-child. "Shinji Ikari, you will pilot it." She pointed at the Evangelion.
Shinji looked at the good doctor and than to EVA Unit One. He looked Dr. Akagi straight into the eye and laughed at her face for a full minute.
"Is that a refusal?" asked Gendo from up in the command center once his son finished laughing.
"Got it in one guess asshole," joked Shinji.
The base rumbled with another explosion. Gendo stared at the ceiling. "It's close, it must be able to sense us."
"Shinji, get in the Eva!" ordered Ritsuko.
The student of Sweet Tooth looked at Ritsuko... and spat in her face. "Pilot it yourself bitch."
Ritsuko was foaming at the mouth as she wiped the spittle off her face. Right than and there, all she wanted to do was call security and have this punk shot. But the world needed this boy or else die. She bit her lip, holding back a torrent of hatred and rage that caused a small trickle of blood to escape. "Fine boy!" she said between feelings of loathing. "Leave! We don't need you!"
Misato offered a quick prayer to God Almighty in Heaven, the thought of the little psycho piloting an Eva made her want to crawl underneath her bed and stay there. "...talk about a nightmare..." she whispered.
But sadly, if there was one thing Gendo excelled at was causing nightmares. "Wake up Rei," he ordered an unseen flunky.
The subordinate asked a question. "Can we use her?"
"She's not dead yet," Gendo said heartlessly.
"Understood." The subordinate opened a line to Rei.
"Rei?" Gendo asked the computer monitor. "Our spare is unusable. You will do it again."
"Yes sir," came a weak reply. Soon, a set of nurses and doctors wheeled the injured and bandaged Rei Ayanami on the hospital gurney. Each foot the nurses pushed her caused another moan to escape. She was rolled in front of Shinji where the nurses left her. The red eyed girl stared at Shinji with interest. She had never seen another albino except for the different clones of her. Rei had not realized that Shinji's incredible paleness was due to clown makeup than being natural. She blinked. Was he like her?
They stared at each other in silence examination for a full minute. Shinji made the first move and took several steps closer. Rei found herself shocked to see someone in NERV's employ wearing such odd clothing. Blue elastic pants and a black muscle-shirt were hardly the style worn by people around Tokyo 3. His huge muscles were intoxicating to her sight. Seeing such a young man with such a massive build was quite different than all the hired mercenary's Commander Ikari hired. Soon the duo were close enough that they could stare into each other's eyes. Rei's cherry red eyes met Shinji's own brown eyes. Violin music started playing. The moment seemed to last an eternity.
"REI, GET IN THE EVA!" Gendo ordered loudly, the Angel was getting closer.
And to prove this, the based rocked with another explosion when caused Rei to tumble out of her gurney. But before she fell, a pair of muscular hands caught her in midair and cradled her as if she were a baby. Without even to look upwards to see the metal beam falling, Shinji took a giant leap forward, placing him just a few feet away from the gigantic LCL tank while continuing his soft caress of the albino girl. The metal beam crashed behind him, unstopped by anything. Normally, Unit One would have deflected the I-beam and rebound it towards Gendo, but due to Shinji's extensive 'death-training' under Sweet Tooth, he was able to hear the metal object falling and simply got out of the way.
Near the large LCL tank, Shinji still held Rei in his arms. She looked at Shinji's colorless painted face with intrigue and Shinji looked at her the same. Around them, everyone one of the maintenance crew members fell silent at the sight of Shinji saving the First Child. Up in the command center, Gendo smirked. Hook, link, and sinker. He looked down at his son, finally bringing him under his shadow.
That was when Shinji dropped Rei into the LCL tank where the weight of her casts caused her to sank. She screamed for help. "Just shut up and drown bitch," Shinji said coldly.
Gendo's jaw dropped.
Rei tried to climb back out, splashing wilderly, but Shinji just gripped her head and shoved her back under. Eventually she stopped moving and sank to the bottom of the pool. After that, Shinji pulled out another fudgesicle and took a few licks while the maintenance crew were having kittens.
"Oh my god, you killed Rei!" "You bastard." "Oh god, oh god, oh god, who'll pilot the Eva?" "He killed Rei! He killed Rei! He killed Rei!" "We're all gonna diiieee!" Everyone in the base looked at Misato for the last statement. Not paticully reassuring words to hear from the tactile officer.
While the hanger was in chaos, Shinji looked up at Gendo while holding his ice cream. "Changed my mind Gendy; I think I will pilot it." He grinned.
Gendo bit back his shock to resumed command of the situation. Though it *was* very difficult. "Than get in the entry plug. You will pilot the Evangelion."
"We're all gonna diiieee!"
Everyone looked at Misato as she was having her second breakdown of the day. She was currently in a fetal position on the floor while whimpering about the end of all humanity.
Shinji ignored her as he got in the plug, papared to do havoc. He walked up to the Eva. "Everyone get out of my way. I'm late for a killing!" He leapt into the waiting entry plug. Power was plugged in and the crew began the entry process as several crewmen lifted up the nervious Misato and took her to the command center.
XXXXXXX
"Weird," said Maya Ibuki.
"What is it?" asked Ritsuko.
Maya scratched her head. "When the cockpit filled up with LCL, he showed no reaction. The guy just took a deep breath of the liquid and is acting as if anything was normal. It looked like his only worry when the pod filled up was whether or not it would have ruined his makeup."
"That's strange." Ritsuko added. That's when the other 'bridge bunnies' started running down the checklist.
"Connecting main power."
"Secondary nerve connections established. It's gonna work just fine."
Ritsuko was studying the controls. "Amazing, there were only a one in one thousandth chance the Eva would work but everything is functioning in normal parameters. So what's the brat's synch rating?"
"Synchronization at... my god." Maya looked at the computer and gasped.
"What is it? Is it too low?"
"88%" finished Maya, astonished.
"What?" Ritsuko freaked. "On his first time? Amazing..." she added quietly. "It seems he is the perfect subsitute." Unfortunately, Misato didn't agree with her old friend.
"We can't use him! He's out of his mind!" Misato snapped.
Gendo glared. "Captain Katsuragi, if Shinji does not pilot, than all humanity is doomed."
"It's already dead if we let that wacko pilot a fifty foot robot, retard! He just killed Rei for fun! What do you think he'll do with the Angel?!"
"Do not worry about the pilot Captain," stressed Gendo. "He knows that if the Angel made contact, a Third Impact will occur. So naturally he would think-"
"HE'D THINK IT WAS AWESOME!"
Gendo clenched his teeth. "Captain... sit *down* and do your job. We are about to launch the Third Child and he will-"
"Killusall! Killusall! Killusall!" Misato wailed. She was not having a good day so she resumed her fetal position on the floor.
Gendo wanted to scream form the pure idiocy from a highly placed staff member.
Maya raised her hand. "Uh sir, if the captain doesn't want to, may I say the line?"
It took all of Gendo's cold evil bastard power to resist smacking his forehead. "Fine Ibuki, you may say it."
Maya beamed and stood up proudly. "EVANGELION UNIT ONE! LAUNCH!"
"We're all gonna diiieee!"
XXXXXXX
Once the purple Eva was brought up to the surface, it began a slow yet steady stride. Having already worked with vehicles of mass destruction, Shinji had avoided tripping on his first step as he would have normally done. He walked ever so slowly to the Angel. They looked at each other for a moment that seemed to last an eternity.
Than the Angel attacked and BOY did it ever!
The Angel made his first moved and grabbed the Eva by the face. It lifted Unit One off the ground while its arms suddenly swelled up. The monster than gripped the Eva's arm and twisted it violently. Due to Shinji's inexperience with the Eva, the monstrous Angel was able to inflict such horrific torments on the pilot. But Shinji did not scream, his teacher had done much worst just 'to toughen him up' during their lives together.
"Please God, let him die. Please God, let him die. Please God, let him die." Chanted Misato from her fetal position. It was painfully obvious who she was rooting for in this match. However, the bridge-crew ignored her, taking her prayers as just a mad woman's rantings.
"Where are his defense systems?" cried Ritsuko to the bridge crew.
"The system's not responding!" Maya cried desperately.
"His field's not up! It's not unfolding!" Makoto cried out.
"It's not up?!" yelled a panicked Ritsuko.
The Angel crushed the Eva's arm, breaking it in two jagged pieces.
"Left arm damaged!" cried Maya.
"The circuits have snapped!" said Aoba.
Shinji was growling softly inside the cockpit as the Angel lifted him higher into the air. The purple protrusion on the Angel's arm lengthen before slamming forward though a hole in its hand and smashing into the Eva's face.
Shinji did not scream from within the Evangelion, choosing instead to bite his lip that cause a small trickle of blood to drip.
Within seconds, the face armor of the Eva shattered into pieces. The Angel followed though by slamming the Unit One into the side of a building while the monstrous Angel charged up another energy beam from its claws and impaled the Eva in the head.
"YES!" Misato cheered as a massive amount of fluid burst through the front and back of the Eva's head.
"Unit One has gone completely silent!" informed Aoba.
"Misato, snap out of it!" cried Ritsuko.
Misato jumped out of her fetal position with a newfound grip on life. "Activate the Dummy Plug system to fight the Angel!"
Ritsuko blinked. It was not like her old friend to be so callous. "What about the pilot?"
"Screw 'em! Activate the Dummy Plug!"
"We can't! The system's not responding!" said Maya.
"WHAT?!" yelled Ritsuko. "Oh god, that means Shinji must be dead."
"Happy days are here again! The skies above are clear again-"
"MISATO!" screeched Ritsuko. She slapped her head and took command since the tactile officer was currently doing a happy dance. "Abort the operation and eject the entry plug!"
"We can't! It's completely out of control!" screamed Maya.
"What did you say?!" said Ritsuko in shock.
Shinji's Eva reared back its head suddenly as it reactivated. Its monstrous jaw ripped wide open and roared angrily.
"Berserker..." muttered Ritsuko in horror.
Unit One crouched down onto the ground and lept into the air, landing on top of the Third Angel. The Eva lifted up its hand and clenched its fist In a surge of dark power, the broken limb was healed.
"Left arm repaired!" cried Maya as she watched in awe.
"Just like that?" question Ritsuko in shock.
With a loud howl, the Eva sank its jaws into the Angels shoulder, tearing the flesh off. Gripping the Angel's shoulders, the Evangelion flipped the monster into midair and slammed it painfully on the ground. The Angel screeched in rage but before it could counterattack, the Eva began kicking the floored Angel in the stomach. Had the monster any ribs, they would have broken. Next the Eva roared angerly as it dove on the Angel, grabbing boths its hands in one arm, twisting and breaking them almost casually. Emittenating horrible howls, the Eva rolled the Angel onto its back where with just a single punch shattered the alien's spine. Now with boths its arms and legs useless, the Angel was at the mercy of the berserker Evangelion. The Eva crouched down, seeming to examine the Angel. Than the purple Eva took out its progressive knife and began peeling the Angel's skin off.
Hyuga felt ill. "He's... torturing the Angel."
Everyone in the command center blinked. That was not an act of a berserker Evangelion. Maya looked her computer screen. "Uhm... Sempai? According to this readout, the pilot still has control of the Eva. So that means-"
"He's been doing all this on his own?!" yelled Ritsuko.
"We're all gonna diiieee!" Misato resumed her fetal position on the floor.
Outside, the Angel whiethered in agony. Each passing second, the monster suffered with each layer of epidermus removed. At this rate, it would take an hour before the Eva would reach the soft s2 organ within its belly. Perhaps sensing that his power was low, Shinji dove the prog knife at what the Eva's sensors dictated as the most vulnerable part. With a scream of pain (or relief?) the Angel exploded in a bright flash of light whose flame formed a shape not unlike a burning cross.
Everyone in the control room looked on in horror as the Eva stomped forward though the flame. Unit One stood silently and proud as the flames from the Angel's explosion died down. Shinji Ikari (or Shinji Kane, he'll answer to either one) had won and Tokyo 3 was safe again.
Ritsuko spoke over the intercom. "Good job Shinji, now return back to base!"
But Shinji wasn't the type to be ordered around. Focusing all his thoughts, the Eva opened its mouth and began to hum softly, forming sounds many would recognize.
"Ice cream music?" asked Makoto. He hadn't heard that familiar jingle since he was a child.
Everyone else in the command center nodded dumbly, even Gendo, though they could not understand the point nor even how Shinji was able to make the Eva produce music with its primitive vocal cords.
An underground shelter was nearby and little kids who had been hiding there with their families from the sounds of battle were overjoyed to hear the screams of death to be replaced with a joyful tone. Against their parents orders, the little children left the shelter to get their ice cream. But seeing a fifty foot robot with Angel blood on its hands and teeth outside made them all want to pee in their pants. So they did the smartest thing they could, they ran back into the shelter crying for their mommys and daddys.
Within the Eva, Shinji grinned. "Party time."
Inside the command room, things were not going well.
"Oh my god! He's attacking a shelter!" Kozo Fuyutsuki looked ready to have a heart attack.
"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW THAT PSYCHO WOULD DO THIS!" Misato looked ready to join him.
"Eject the plug!" Ritsuko ordered Maya.
"Can't! He's blocking the signal!"
Gendo glared and turned to leave. "Fuyutsuki, I leave this to you."
"The Hell you will! Get your ass back here Ikari! I am *not* gonna be the one to explain this to the press!" Fuyutsuki grabbed the commander by the neck and dragged him back.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIEEE!" wailed Misato like she was seeing the future.
XXXXXXX
It was a full thirty minutes before Unit One ran out of power and it was another ten minutes before Shinji was escorted to the command center by a nervous pair of Section 2 agents. While Misato may not have recognized the name of Shinji's mentor, Charles Needles Kane otherwise known as Sweet Tooth, was well known among hired mercenaries. So they didn't complain too much when Shinji stopped by his 'Tasty Treats' ice cream truck to grab a few ice cream bars even though Gendo told them to bring Shinji straight to him.
It wasn't long before Shinji was standing before his father at the NERV command bridge. Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki stand next to the commander while Misato was hiding behind Ritsuko, hoping that Shinji doesn't notice her. Once Shinji got out of the Eva, a few agents tried to get him in handcuffs and put him into custody and Shinji... and Shinji... Nope! Misato did not want Shinji to notice her!
The bridge-bagade stood off on the sidelines, watching the father-son meeting taking place. In front of Shinji, Gendo Ikari looked down at his son.
"Third Child, you are a disappointment. I gave you a simple task and you couldn't even do that. You are useless."
Shinji looked at his father, the man who abandon him for over half his life, smiled... and spat in his face.
Gendo glared hatefully as he wiped the spittle off. "Since your exploits yesterday *did* save the city, you will not be held accountable for the deaths of the people you killed." He spoke through grinded teeth. What was SEELE thinking telling him to do this?
Shinji raised an eyebrow. It was as if he was insulted by the fact he wouldn't be blamed for their deaths. He frowned and pulled out a push-up orange bar and started snacking.
"Furthermore, you are free to go. We have no need of you as a pilot." He pushed a button and who should appeared out of an open doorway? The still bruised and battard Rei Ayanami in a wheelchair. She was breathing rather hard as if her lungs were very weak. "After you were launched with the Eva, several doctors fished Rei out of the LCL tank and revived her with CPR." Gendo lied but he couldn't tell Shinji or his bridge crew about Rei's cloning procedures.
Shinji glared. It wasn't everyday someone he killed came back. "You're saying I'm not gonna pilot the giant doll anymore." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yes," Gendo glared. "We have a replacement for you." He pointed at Rei.
Shinji shrugged, acting as if he were leaving. So he turned around, leaving his father behind. Both Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki glared hatefully at Shinji's retreating form while Misato wept tears of joy.
Shinji stopped in front of the wheel-chaired bound Rei. He held out his ice cream. "Want some?" he asked quietly.
Rei shook her head. "I have never had ice cream before."
Shinji's jaw dropped. For the first time since he met Sweet Tooth, Shinji was horrified. "You poor girl," he whispered gently. "Here, have a taste. It's very good."
Rei nodded, causing another soft moan. Shinji gently cupped Rei's chin so as not to harm her. He brought the orange flavored treat to her lips where she licked it up, savoring the sweet taste. "It is very good," she said honestly.
"Have some more," Shinji gently offered. He held the ice cream closer so she would not have to move her hurt neck. They stared into each others eyes. Violine music could be heard playing again.
"Have some more bitch!" Shinji shoved the entire ice cream bar down Rei's throat, chocking her to death.
Gendo's jaw dropped again.
Shinji smirked and looked at his dad. "Just lost your replacement, huh? Guess I'm still your pilot Gendy," he smiled with a insane look in his eyes.
Gendo nodded slowly, not believing what just happened. Seeing he had his father's okay, Shinji left the command bridge. He was out of ice cream and needed to get some from his truck. Back on the bridge, Ritsuko had just finished examining Rei.
"She's dead sir," she replied emotionlessly.
Gendo slowly counted to ten, this was just not his day. He looked over to the aged Fuyutsuki. "Prepare Rei IV professer." He turned to leave.
Fuyutsuki was rubbing his forehead. "Something tells me, we'll gonna have to make a lot more clones."
XXXXXXX
"What?" gasped Misato in true horror.
Shinji raised an eyebrow. It wasn't everyday something like this happened.
"It's Commander Ikari's orders. You have been assigned as the Third Child's legal guardian. He is to live with you."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Misato as she fell to her hands and knees and started crying.
"The Third Child, despite his... ideas of fun, is still a minor. He is to live with you so that you can keep an eye on him," said the man calmly as he looked at the terrorfied Misato.
"HE'LL KILL ME!"
"You have your orders Captain," said the man with a cold finality in his voice.
Misato couldn't even respond, she was too busy sobbing.
Shinji glared coldly at her. "Guess we're roomies now, huh Misato?"
"...I'm going to die..."
"Yes," Shinji said quietly. "You are."
Misato balled her eyes out for a full hour.
XXXXXXX
Ritsuko held the phone away from her ear as screams of terror rushed through the phone. When she stopped, Ritsuko tried to ease her friend. "Please Misato calm down, I tried to talk the commander out of it, but he wouldn't let Shinji go. So... you're stuck with him. Misato stop crying, it's not going to change Gendo's mind." Misato said something that seemed to anger Ritsuko. "Don't you dare threaten me! I can tell you for a FACT that nobody will believe you if you say me, you, and Maya were having a mass sexual liaison with Mr. Fuyutsuki. You know that!" She slammed the phone on the receiver before Misato started the next stream of whimpers, moans, and pleas.
Rubbing her eyes, Ritsuko sat down in her chair and continue with her stress reduction technique. By an odd quirk of fate, she had been doing this more often ever since Shinji showed up. Ritsuko thought about her old friend having to live with the makeup wearing muscle man. "May God have mercy on your soul Misato."
XXXXXXX
"Waaaaa," cried Misato as she stared at the silent receiver as if it were the final sign that that her life was over. All that was left to do now was take the little psycho to her home.
Seeing how she was going to suggest that, Shinji beat her to the punch. "Time to go home. Get in the truck, I'll drive." He gestured towards his 'Tasty Treats' ice cream truck.
Misato made a little sound. Whether it was a whimper or a prayer to God is unknown. With that off her chest, she climbed into the passenger seat and let Shinji drive them home.
XXXXXXX
It was ten minutes later when Shinji and Misato reached her apartment complex. Normally the drive took Misato a full half-hour to get there from NERV's central office. But Shinji knew some shortcuts that would always save time.
Misato lead Shinji through her home, showing him the rooms. Her demeaner was calm, her voice was monotone, her eyes were glossy, and her skin was as pale as Rei's. It appeared that Shinji's 'short cuts' had shook Misato up a bit and she was going though a bit of shock. "This is your room," she pointed to a well sized room. "You may put your things in here." She walked off without a single shread of her normally perky self showing. While Shinji was removing the things in his dufflebag, Misato sat in a chair with her legs uncross and her hands in her lap. She stared at the turned off television. It took a bit of time before she remembered that to watch tv, one must turn on the tv. She reached for a remote and hit the power button.
*click*
"87 people died today when the Third Angel attacked a shelter before NERV could repel it."
*click*
"Mr. Spokesman, is it true that NERV employs known psychotics to man its weapons?"
*click*
"Millions of dollars of damage caused today, so just who will pay-"
*click*
"I'm here at the destroyed shelter where firemen and police do their best to search for survivors."
*click*
"Mass destruction hit a downtown mall minutes ago when an ice cream truck-"
*click*
"I can't find my mommy news-lady! She disappeared when the ice cream truck-"
*click*
"Oh god! We can't find her legs! Somebody find her legs 'fore she bleeds to death!"
*click*
"A heavily armored ice cream truck drove through mall's front doors and proceded to-"
*click*
"Hi kids, I'm Chucky the Clown! Today we're going to the barn, so lets get in our clown car and-"
"AAAAHHHH!" Misato screamed and threw the remote through the television screen, breaking it. She started running around in circles within her appartment. Finally she charged out the door, nearly breaking it off its hinges while screaming like a mad man.
Shinji poked his head out to see his roommate gone. He decided to give himself a private tour of Misato's dirty apartment. He opened her refrigerator and was even a little shocked to see so many beer bottles lined up. Walking away, he sat down on the couch and started licking another ice cream bar. He had just started when a certain black and white flightless waterfowl hopped on the couch with him. It appeared to want his ice cream.
Shinji stared at the large metallic collar on the penguin's neck. "Pen-Pen, huh?" Shinji could have sworn he saw the bird nod its head. "Wanna taste?" Pen-Pen nodded again. Shinji blinked and shrugged his shoulders, choosing to let the penguin have a tiny lick. After one bite, he began devouring the ice cream. "Wow, you sure like cold treats don't you?" He petted Pen-Pen and it responded by chirping happily.
XXXXXXX
After Misato finished running around her neighborhood, screaming like it was Third Impact, she returned back to home not because she had worked it out of her system but because the cops were now looking for a 'screaming crazy woman.' She was leaning against the door, summoning the last remaining shreds of her courage. "You can do this Misato. You can do this Misato." She repeated like an anthem. "You can't let him win! Eventually the brass will figure out just how crazy he is and lock him up. You just simply have to keep an eye on him. That shouldn't be a problem, heck, you have a shotgun in my room so you'll just sleep with that." She took several more deep breaths. "You'll be okay, you just simply have to watch yourself." She took another deep breath and went in the apartment.
She was going to head straight for her room to grab a gun to guard herself with when her nose picked up something delicious. She saw Shinji at the dining room table, eating from a plate. "Shinji, just where did you get that? That looks fresh so it isn't take out."
"It's just some poultry I cooked up," Shinji took another bite.
"Smells good, is there any left?"
Shinji shook his head. "Wasn't a big piece of meat," he spoke between mouthfuls.
"Did you buy it while I was out? I don't remember keeping any meat here."
"Sure you do, you were keeping it in the freezer." Shinji said calmly.
Misato chuckled. Maybe Shinji wasn't as bad as he seemed. "Don't be silly Shinji. The only thing in the freezer besides some ice is Pen-" Misato finally put two and two together and did not like the answer. "YOU ATE HIM! YOU ATE HIM!" Misato started crying. "OH GOD, PEN-PEN! YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND!" Misato reassumed her fetal position on the floor, crying her eyes out.
Shinji held out a fork with some fried penguin to the sobbing Misato. "Wanna bite?"
XXXXXXX
After cleaning his plate off, Shinji retired to his bedroom. He was in for a long day tomarrow so he was going to get a good night sleep. But in Misato's room, the poor woman was crouching at the foot of her bed, holding a shotgun at the door in case the makeup wearing Shinji came in. She was shaking horribly and her eyes were blurring, unable to focus on anything. She heard a noise above her and aimed the shotgun at the ceiling. Had she pulled the trigger, the young couple upstairs would have had their honeymoon ruined pretty badly. Not seeing the muscular Shinji dive through the ceiling, Misato resumed her aim at her door for the remainer of the night.
XXXXXXX
The next day at NERV's training center...
"Good morning Shinji, how are you today?" asked Ritsuko the gigantic Eva, today was a practice day for their new pilot. There was no answer. "Shinji? Shinji? Come in Shinji. MAYA! IS HE EVEN IN THERE?!"
"Uh... no he isn't Sempai," she said quietly.
Feeling another headache coming, Ritsuko lit a cigarette and started smoking. "So. Where. Is. He?"
"Right behind ya' blondy."
"Eep!" Dr. Akagi jumped around. She glared at Shinji. "You're late! And why aren't you in your plug suit?" she yelled.
Shinji didn't even bother to answer, choosing instead to focus his attention on his ice cream. He was wearing his typical blue elastic pants, dark muscle shirt, and black leather boots and gloves. Oh, and also his pancake clown makeup.
His silence infuriated Ritsuko. "Listen Third, I am a superior officer as is your guardian Misato Katsuragi, so you will show me the same respect as you do her!"
"Oky doky!" With an insane smile, Shinji yanked the cigerette out of Ritsuko's mouth and shoved the lited end in her right eye.
"AAARRRR!" Ritsuko screamed before hitting the ground, ripping the cigerette out.
Shinji chuckled softly before walking out of the room, still licking his ice cream. Behind him, Maya was by Ritsuko's side doing her best to calm the doctor. "Don't worry Sempai, eyepatches can be very fetching these days."
Ritsuko suckered punched Maya in the face for her stupid remark.
"BY DOSE! BY DOSE! DOU BROGE BY DOSE HEMPAI!"
"YOU IDIOT! YOU IDIOT!"
Makoto and Aoba entered the room to report for duty. The first thing they saw was Dr. Akagi and Maya Ibuki rolling on the floor screaming and yelling.
"BY DOSE!"
"MY EYE!"
"BY DOSE!"
"MY EYE!"
"BY DOSE!"
"MY EYE!"
Aoba stared slack jaw while Makoto was rubbing his eyes, hoping for the headache to go away. "Aoba, go get a doctor," he said tiresome.
"But there's one right there," he pointed at Ritsuko.
"Not her moron!"
"Just kidding," Aoba replied sheepishly.
XXXXXXX
A group of doctors and nurses rushed by Shinji on their way to the training center. He didn't really pay much attention to them, though he did expect seeing them a little bit sooner. Passing by the hospital ward, Shinji saw something out of the corner of his eye. Looking through a glass window, he saw Rei Ayanami laying down in a bed.
His curiosity perked, he entered her room. As expected, she was still wearing several casts and bandages but what was unexpected was that she was still alive. He moved in closer, taking a seat in a chair next to her bed. The albino girl opened her red eyes. "Pilot Ikari," she said gently. "Why are you here?"
"To see you," he answered simply.
"I am glad you did. After I chocked on the ice cream you gave me, I had to have my stomach pumped in order to save my life. That is why I'm still here for you."
Shinji raised an eyebrow, that didn't sound like Rei.
"Shinji," she gently took ahold of his hand. "I-I-I... feel a need... to protect you."
Shinji gasped. "You mean... even after everything I've done to you... you *still* want to protect me?"
Rei smiled, she acturally smiled. "Yes, though I do not know why but I must help you." She giggled, she actually giggled. "Strange, isn't it?"
"Not really," Shinji answered honestly. He cupped Rei's chin in his hand when he answered her. Violin music could be heard playing.
"But it is strange that you're still breathing bitch!" Shinji picked up a bed pan and bashed Rei's skull in. After a few short seconds and one giant red puddle on her pillows later, Shinji left her room and met Gendo just outside her door.
Gendo couldn't even say anything, he was in shock. Shinji looked at him, grinned, and walked off. It was time to sell some ice cream to the people of Tokyo 3 Sweet Tooth style.
Gendo looked rather wigged out. He pulled out a telephone. "Professor? Ikari here. Prepare Rei V. The Third Child was alone with her again." On the other end of the line, Gendo could have sworn he heard Fuyutsuki banging his head on a wall while screaming out curses. "Fuyutsuki, meet me in the command center in an hour. Right now, I must speak with Unit One's pilot."
XXXXXXX
An hour later...
"Commander, I am requesting that the Third Child no longer be allowed to pilot an Eva," Fuyutsuki asked as he and the commander were walking down the halls.
"Denied professor." Gendo said automaticly. "Shinji is to continue piloting the Eva. I have informed him that he is to cease any and all ideas for wrecking the city."
"You think that's going to work?" Fuyutsuki said cockeyed.
"Yes, I do."
"Commander," Fuyutsuki took a deep breath to steady himself. "Are you ignorant or just plan stupid?! Do you remember what he did yesterday, dumbass?"
Fuyutsuki harsh language did not phase Gendo. "I have the Third Child under control, if-"
"BULL$#!+ YOU DO!"
Gendo glared. "AS. I. WAS. SAYING!" Gendo took a breath to calm himself. "If the Third Child decides to act up while in public, I have instructed the Section 2 agents following him to-"
"They're not gonna do anything moron! Have you ever been in the cafeteria when they're eating and have Shinji walk in? They all shut the hell up! Sure they seemed not mind him until I mentioned he was raised by some shmuck named Charles Needles Kane and then they look like they're going to suicide! If you're not gonna get rid of Shinji, at least get him his own apartment! I fear for Captain Katsuragi's life and sanity living with him! Jesus Christ, there's a pool going around on how long it'll be before Shinji kills her!"
"Professor," Gendo said slowly while using the title he always called Fuyutsuki to remind him of his place. "I put the child under Katsuragi's care so she could report on his behavior."
"Yes, the Captain just handed me her first report today." Fuyutsuki held out a sheet of paper. On it were just four words repeated over and over again. 'PEN-PEN GONE NOW!' Misato had filled up an entire page with those words. "Yes sir, she has a handle on the situation," he replied sarcastically. "Sir, for the last time, please reconsider having Shinji live in separate quarters at least for her own welfare."
"Listen Fuyutsuki, I say Katsuragi can handle the child. She did rise up to be a captain in NERV after all, so naturally she is made of sterner stuff than you."
Fuyutsuki said nothing, once Gendo made up his mind, it was impossible to pursed him otherwise. The enter the command center where a pale and trembling Misato was crouched up in a corner of the room holding her arms and legs. "Can't sleep... clown will eat me. Can't sleep... clown will eat me. Can't sleep... clown will eat me."
Fuyutsuki rolled back his eyes. "Oh yeah, she's made of *real* stern stuff."
Right than, the rest of the bridge crew entered the room.
"An eyepatch? A STUPID EYEPATCH? You wanted me to wear a freakin' eyepatch?!"
"Weally Hempai, whey're hetty cool!"
"Can't sleep... clown will eat me."
"Funny?! You thought that was funny?!"
"You have no sense of humor Makoto!"
"Can't sleep... clown will eat me."
"You're an idiot Maya!"
"Bwa you wook hetty wid da eyebatch on Hempai!"
"Can't sleep... clown will eat me."
Fuyutsuki slapped his forehead. "God help us," he muttered.
XXXXXXX
The End
XXXXXXX
Cookie hit the pause button. "Well, that was disturbing and downright tasteless. You really thought this was cool?"
"Dude, that was awesome! Fast-forward to see what happens next!"
Cookie did so. "Let's see, when it's revealed that Shinji is a pilot at school, Touji Suzuhara tries to beat him up after class so Shinji... OH MY GOD!"
Creme looked impress. "Wow, I wonder how he was able to sneck a chainsaw into his school?"
Cookie shrugged. "Well, on the plus side the event so horrifies Kensuke Aida that he drops that whole 'war is cool' attitude since Shinji's chainsaw massacre takes place right in front of him. He even throws away all his army magazines and starts dressing like a hippy, shouting 'Love and Peace' to anyone who'll listen."
Cookie continues. "Shinji handles both the forth and fifth Angels pretty well, even though he smashes more of Tokyo 3 during every battle. Than he goes to meet Asuka. The first thing she does when they met is make fun of Shinji's makeup and... whoa!"
"Dude! Sweet! He tied her down to a bed and stabbed her with a dozen ice cream scoopers. I haven't seen something like that since Spawn did the same to Billy Kincaid in issue 5. Lets see that again!"
Cookie rolled his eyes. "Oh great, he's totally desensitized to violence now."
"What about Misato?"
Cookie fast-forward a little more. "It seems that once she sees Kaji, she kidnaps him, quits her job at NERV, and takes him to Las Vegas for a shotgun wedding. Literally. She had the gun pointed at his head and would have pulled the trigger if he didn't say 'I do.'"
"What did NERV have to say about her quiting?"
"Normally, they would have locked her up. But since around that time Shinji finally had enough and killed 'Gendy', Fuyutsuki decided to leave her alone 'cuz she was 'smart enough to get the hell out.' So that means Misato and Kaji get to live happally ever after."
"What about the rest?" Creme wanted to know.
"Lets see... Rei does not have a fun time in this series. By the time the Twelfth Angel attacks, they're already at Rei XV. Eventurally, Shinji gets tired of the albino girl coming back from the dead, so he tortures Ritsuko to get the info about Rei's revivals' and precedes to burn the cloning facility with a flame-thrower." Cookie made a face. "Ms. Cat, Coffee, and Smokes dies a pretty nasty death when Shinji's finished with her. Maya commits suicide right after that. The rest of the bridge crew, Makoto and Aoba gets killed during a training exercise when Sweet Tooth Shinji just has enough of the pair and offs them. SEELE puts Fuyutsuki in charge after Gendo buys it but they won't let the old guy fire Shinji. He stays alive until Shinji gets absorbed by the Eva. Against orders from SEELE, Fuyutsuki does his best to keep Shinji in there but the Eva spits him out real quick cuz it deems him too nutty to keep locked inside. Once out, Shinji learns what Fuyutsuki tried to do and blows his head off with a rifle."
Cookie continues. "With Touji's... chainsaw accident, Asuka's death, and Rei's multiple deaths, SEELE is forced to continue finding Children to pilot the Evas but Shinji pretty much kills them the moment he meets them. Hey buddy get this: Kaworu's the Nineteenth Child! Ug... not too pretty what happens to numbers four through eighteen."
Creme interrupted his friend. "Most of the Angel fights stay the same except Shinji practically does them all by himself and with a LOT more innocent casualties and damage to Tokyo 3. The Thirteenth Angel possesses Unit Three and Shinji kills him... without having to use the dummy plug."
"Oh dear." Cookie looked quite pale at the bloody remains of Unit Four and the pilot.
"Hey look! Kaworu buys it the same way as in the series. Shinji grabs him in Unit One and makes like a pez dispenser and pops his head off!"
"Uh... Creme? Kaworu just showed up at NERV, the guy didn't even get a chance to *show* that he was an Angel before Shinji tore his head off. The guy just walked in while Shinji was practicing with the Eva, saw Kaworu, and did the deed. After Kaworu's death, SEELE tries to take over NERV as it did in 'Death and Rebirth' but Shinji hops in his ice cream truck and uses his special attack where he transforms the truck into its giant robot mode and proceeds to rip the little soldiers into tiny bits all throughout Terminal Dogma. After the invasion fails, Shinji goes to see the mastermind of the Twisted Metal tournament himself: Calypso. Calypso isn't too happy with SEELE for trying to start a Third Impact, so he does the only thing he could do. He tells Shinji each of their names and addresses. It isn't long before Shinji hunts down and kills each of 13 SEELE members in *very* violent and bloody deaths."
"C'mon Cookie, you're making it sound like this Shinji's worst than the original. Look here, Sweet Tooth Shinji prevents Third Impact from ever happening by killing SEELE off! See? Shinji turned out a lot better with Sweet Tooth! Look at the end of the series, he just won Calypso's latest tournament and uses his wish to free his mother from Unit One. There they all, Shinji has his arms wrapped around his mother and she's crying on his shoulder. The poor woman's crying so hard she can't even speak. Nice ending, huh?"
"Uh... Creme? It kinda looks like Shinji's choking her."
Creme blinked. "You think so?"
*snap*
"Yeah I think so," Cookie replied. "Well that was practically violent, horrifying, and downright disturbing."
"LETS WATCH IT AGAIN!"
"DEAL!" Cookie hit the play button and started the DVD all over again.
XXXXXXX
The End
XXXXXXX
Hope you enjoyed the first story of my new series. I guess an explanation is in order for this little piece. Just a little bit ago, I played Twisted Metal Black for ps2 and BOY did that game live up to its title! The moment I saw Sweet Tooth's opening where his first words in the game were 'Shut up and die mother f****r' this story's been running though my head ever since. Plus I've never seen a NGE fic even REMOTLY simular to this so I hoped you liked it.
Now I know I'm probably going to get some e-mails where people suggest who they would like to see play the fatherly role for Shinji and I HOPE YOU DO! I always read my reviews and take them into consideration. So if you've got a good idea for a parent whether he be cool, bad ass, or female, just place a review or e-mail me. It's due to my friend J Chapin for suggesting the idea of a series of Shinji being raised by different people that caused me to do this. Special thanks and praise to my buddy J. Chapin!
Heck! If you want to, just e-mail me and ask to continue one of my short stories. This is a lot like Metroanime's 'A Fistful of Omake' so if you ask me, you may continue with it. One more thing, I hereby make a vow: RANMA SAOTOME WILL NEVER RAISE SHINJI! Honestly, that idea has been done to death! It's old, it's stale, and unorginal! Now I'm not slamming any authors for doing a story like this but like I said in my bio, I'm only interested in doing stories that have never been done before. I never read a story where Carrot Glace joined Zaha Torte so I wrote 'A New Path'. I never read a story where Darth Maul met Sailor Moon, so I wrote 'Darth Maul: Of Siths and Sailors'. Got that people! I want to do original stories so I can entertain you! ^_^
Hope you like the fic, well you must excuse me. I'm off to do the next chapter of 'Green With Evil' and maybe another chapter of 'Shinji, Lord of the Sith' so I hope you'll review.