My One Love

by MaryBlair

Leaving your old life in the past doesn't heal your heart, you have to deal with it somehow.

I stared blankly out my apartment window, into the cold, rainy day in New York City. I had a lot on my mind, to say the least. I could see those blue eyes, I could see that dark black hair, his chiseled jaw line, and his little smirk, in my mind, as clearly as I could three years ago, and I wondered if I could make it through the whole day, just like I always do. I had made up my mind then, that Virginia wasn't the place for me, I needed excitement, I needed to be free. I was wrong. It had been getting harder lately, missing my family, missing him. I sighed. I knew why I left, I was in a rage, I was pissed off at him and I wanted to forget him, but he was my best friend, and I loved him. I still do, I'm pathetic.

"Mary?" Vince said, behind me.

"Hmm?" I glanced up, pulled out of my sadness.

"I've gotta get going. I'm late." He said. Vince was… cute, kind of like a Calvin Klein model. He was blonde, had a nice body, and brown eyes. He was a nice enough guy, but he wasn't the smartest, and one other thing, he was married. It was the worst thing about the situation, and I felt incredibly guilty about it. I cried a lot, and I was alone a lot, but I didn't love him, not even a little bit. So, I knew it needed to end.

As soon as Vince walked out the door I was grabbing my phone, I searched through the phonebook, until I found a moving company. I was getting ready to press the first number, but I hesitated, and then my phone rang. I jumped about three feet in the air. "H-hello?" I stammered. "Mary!" My sister's voice answered. "Mary, guess what?!" She almost yelled. "What?" I said, a tiny bit confused. "I'm pregnant!"

That was it, that was the moment, the sign I needed. I knew a change needed to be made, I was sad, alone, miserable, and I missed my family and friends. My sister, Jessica, and I had always been close, even though we were opposites, her being a fiery redhead and me a calmer and collected dark brown. We were always best friends and now she was pregnant, how could I stay away? I couldn't. I put in my two weeks notice at the office and started packing. In around sixteen days I was on the road to Virginia, goodbye New York. I drove, and drove, and drove. Knowing my destination, knowing every back road, every sweet local as I came into my hometown of Wytheville, and then to my momma's house. My mother was a sweet and lovely country lady, she had lost her husband and so she lived alone. I hadn't told anyone that I was coming home, with the exception of Vince, to say goodbye, and I was excited to surprise her. I also, had found a nice, small, apartment to rent online, so everything was set in motion. I pulled into the driveway, and stared at this house, so happy I almost cried. I walked up to the door and called mom on the phone, quietly. "Hello?"

"Hey mom, it's me, I was wondering if you got that package I sent you?"

"Hmm, no, I don't think so."

"Well, the UPS guy should have come by now, could you check?"

She sighed, "Okay, I'll look."

She opened the door and I wish I could describe the look on her face. She shrieked and grabbed me up, nearly choking me, and hugged me as tight as she could. Then, to my surprise, my sister came up behind her, shrieking, as well. We hugged like this for a good while, and cried, and laughed for a moment.

"Why didn't you say you were coming!?" My sister asked.

"Well, I wanted to surprise you guys."

"How long are you staying?"

I paused for a moment, pretending to think about it for a minute, "Hmm, well, I guess, forever."

And the screaming continued.

My mom caught me up on all the recent news, the things people had been up to and whatnot. Mom told me that she had a very nice young man who came and brought her firewood and loaded it for her, and she said that he would come by later. "Well, that's nice, I'm glad you got someone to help you out." I said, in earnest. Unknowing. A while later, he came, I heard a truck pull up and I looked out the window, horror gripped me. It was him. It was Jack, my Jack, the love of my life, and the bane of my existence. Those blue eyes were unmistakable, and he had, grown. Oh, had he grown! He was gorgeous. I nearly died. I ran into the other room and demanded they not tell him I was here. I heard a knock and then the door opened. "Well hello Mrs. Tammy, and Jessica, how are you all?" Oh, that voice, it sounded just as I remembered, a bit deeper, perhaps. "We are just fine," momma answered. "Whose fancy car is out there?" He asked, politely. I went rigid. "Oh, well, since you asked," my mother began. "It's mine," my sister said. I crossed myself; I would have to thank her later. "Oh, well, it's nice. Have you heard from that sister of yours?" He asked with a country twang that I missed so badly. I honestly couldn't believe he mentioned me, after everything. I heard Jess's voice, "Well, I called her about a week or two ago, and she was doing fine."

"Oh, is she still with that ass hole?" He asked, matter-of-factly.

I tried not to yell. They had told him!? Oh my God. I was humiliated, but more, shocked that he even cared.

They laughed at his question, "No, actually, she broke up with him."

"Well, I'll be damned, she's finally coming to her senses." He said. I ground my teeth.

I couldn't stand this crap. They had been telling him everything, and I was about to lose it. "She's doing better." Jess said. "Well, I'm glad." He said. I felt a tear leak from my eye. I missed him so bad I forgotten the times that we had in the past. As I thought now, I was taken back to the day we first met.

It was a warm night in the summertime, and I was in high school. I had had the worst day of my life. Garrett Vanderbilt my boyfriend at the time had been cheating on me and I was pissed, he accidentally called her when we were together, and I was so fucking mad that I stormed out and almost ran out of gas on the way home. It was there, at the Market, when we met. I looked up, mortified to see Garrett's older brother, Jack, approaching me. Yep, Jack was his brother. He started walking towards me and in my hurry I dropped my keys in a puddle of muddy water, to make things worse, we both bent to pick them up and head butted each other. When we finally recovered from the blow, he said, "Uhm, are you okay?" I looked at him for a minute. "Yeah," I said, "I'm fine, just a little sore." I laughed in sheer embarrassment. "No, not that," he said, concerned, "you look like you've been crying." "No, I'm fine." I lied and started to walk away, even then, I thought he was a God among men. I felt his eyes on me as I walked away, and then I heard him yell, "Shit!" I turned and saw a crazy blonde driving away in his truck; he had his arms up in the air and was yelling curse words at her. My eyes were wide as saucers I'm sure, and he looked at me and just laughed a bit. "You think you could give me a ride home?"

"I… uhm, sure. I guess I could." I stammered. He made me nervous.

The ride was, awkward, at first, until he said, "That was my ex. She'll bring it back". I laughed. He was quiet for a minute. "You wanna talk about it, Hun?"

"Talk about what?"

"Garrett."

I looked at the road, face reddening, "No, there is nothing to talk about."

"Okay, sweetheart, whatever you say."

I sighed and pulled over at a cornfield. I looked him dead in the eye and said, "What did he tell you?"

He chuckled, those blue eyes shining in the dark. "He told me what he did and asked me to talk to you about it," He smiled, "But I like you, you're a sweet girl so I'm gonna tell you to stay away from him," He looked at me seriously, " I can promise that you deserve better." I just stared at him. He sat back in the seat and opened my sunroof, he then proceeded to turn on my radio and sing along. I had never met someone like him, he was honest and sweet, and I was hooked, instantly. He sang, "All I wanna do, is lay you down and love you," and looked me in the eye. I felt my face get redder with a bit of sexual frustration. "You wanna dance?" He asked suddenly. "Ah, what?" I asked back, shocked. "C'mon." He turned up the volume and got out, while I sat, frozen. He came around and took my hand, pulled me out and began slow dancing with me, he twirled me and held me and we had the time of my life. The moon shone down on us and we danced to every sweet country song that came on, and I was alive. That's the best part about Jack, he gives me life, he makes me do the things that I want to do, but am too afraid to do. We had the best time, and we laughed and he told me about his family, and I told him about mine. We sat on the hood of my car and talked for hours, and lost track. He looked over at me, and said, "What are you doing with my brother anyway?" He studied me for a moment, "You're beautiful and fun, and sweet. Why would you wanna be with that ass hole?" I just laughed, and didn't answer. I didn't know why, and I didn't feel like I was any of those things. I had always been short and a bit chubby, but I was soft, and people said I was beautiful, I just had confidence issues, but this man, this Jack, I let my guard down around him. Finally, at around four, I took him home, regretfully, but he invited me to a party he was having that Friday night. I told him I would think about it.

When I got home that night, I was already planning my outfit. Well, Friday rolled around and I drove to that house I knew fairly well, and walked in. I tried my best to avoid Garrett and looked for Jack all around, so I simply started getting drunk when I couldn't find him. I knew quite a few people there, since we all went to school together, then he finally joined in. We had a very fun time, beer pong, some people were doing strip poker and Jack disappeared again around 12, so I went on a search for the bathroom to see how bad I looked. I finally found it and knocked, no answer, so I entered, only to find two people making out, so I turned around and ran smack into Jack, shirtless, and in plaid pajama pants. He had a rock hard chest from working the farm, no doubt. I stared at him in shock and started giggling from the alcohol and his incredible hotness. He looked down at me and smiled seductively, "I'm glad I found you little woman." He laughed. I smiled at him too, and it was on. He kissed me, a passion filled, lusty kiss, and I kissed him back. He pushed me against a door and opened it, and we went inside, next thing I knew I was on a bed, making out with this, amazingly lovely man. He kissed my neck, and whispered against my skin, "God, I want you, I've wanted you since I first saw you." He kissed me again, and our clothes slowly began coming off. Next thing I know I feel a pinch, and then the pain came, I was a virgin, and this was that moment. It was the best first time anyone could have though, the alcohol numbed the pain, and Jack was very gentle, even though he didn't know, and I didn't want to tell him. It was wonderful, he kissed me and loved me and I actually had an orgasm, something that rarely happens during one's first time. He has been the only man to ever give me that. We fell asleep, and in the morning a new feeling crept in, I woke with a start. I looked around and saw him lying beside me, my first instinct was to run, get out and he probably wouldn't remember, and then I thought about what I had done. "Oh God," I whispered to myself. I had given my virginity in a drunken one-night stand and I barely knew this guy, what the hell was wrong with me? Then he started to stir, and I froze, staring at him. He woke, looked at me and smiled his little smile. "Well, good morning, sweetheart." He said, groggy. "Oh, uhm, good morning." I said quietly. He sat up and stretched and kissed me and said, "You want any breakfast?"

"Oh, no, I should probably go ahead and head on home." I said nonchalantly.

"Ah, okay, well, I had a great time, we should go out sometime."

"Sure." I said, quickly. "I'll see you later."

I left with no intention of ever talking to him again. I went, the next day to the grocery store, and fate had other plans. I was just getting a few supplies and food for the house and I heard the familiar voice yell, "Hey! Mary!"

"Shit." I said, halfway to myself. I turned and there he was, running up to me.

"Hey." He said, and he sounded a bit annoyed. "Do you mind telling me why I had blood on my sheets?" I looked at him in horror and very nearly turned and walked away.

"I, uhm, I don't.."

"Mary, my God, why the hell didn't you stop me? I would have never. I. I would never want to.. To take something like that from you." He seemed to be struggling with his words, and it shocked me a bit. He was always so sure of himself.

"Jack," it was the first time I said his name, "It's fine, no big deal, no harm done, we should just forget about it."

"Hell no, it's not okay."

"Yes, it is."

"No, you should have told me."

"No, it's none of your business."

"We had sex."

"Well you obviously have that a lot."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I put my hand up. "Enough. My God. Enough."

"Mary, fuck. You infuriate me."

I glared. The next day, we had school so I went in as usual, and there he was, surrounded by a crowd of his friends, gushing about his awesome party. I tried to go quickly to my locker, unnoticed, but it was in vain. He yelled my name and my face got hot, I looked over at him, and he just smiled and waved. I smiled back and walked to class with my stomach filled with butterflies. Eventually we decided to be friends and sort of not talk about what happened, and somehow, we became inseparable.

I'm not sure how it happened, but we spent everyday together, and we loved it. I remember the day I met his mother for the first time. Her name was Lynn and she was a party girl, with fake blonde hair and too much makeup, she was the type of woman who seemed unaware that she was in her 40's. She had left Jack and Garrett with her late husband's father, William, he being their only living relative, and she went to Vegas. Well, I happened to be at the house when she stopped by, unannounced, and it turned to chaos, fast. Lynn came in demanding to see her boys and she was on my case in an instant, saying, "Who the fuck is this little whore?" That, being the worst thing she could have said, because Jack went off. They screamed at each other and Lynn threw things. When she finally left I spent the rest of the day trying to calm and reassure him. There were other times though, when our relationship confused me. Like when my best friend Karis and I were riding around and we saw Jack hanging around the local, and only tattoo shop. He spotted me and flagged us down, and I knew he had had a little bit of alcohol; when he came up and showed me his first tattoo. I wasn't happy about it until I saw it, barbed wire on his muscular bicep. I hadn't realized it would look so, so sexy, and I tried to hide it. "You like it?" He asked, knowing the look on my face. "Well, I mean, yes, but is that really a good idea, I mean it is permanent?" I answered. "Too late now," he said, and then he shifted, "Your lips look beautiful." I just looked at him. He leaned in the car window and kissed me full on the lips, taking my head in his hands. When he finished, my heart racing, he pulled away, "See you later." He walked away, and we pulled off, I stared ahead, my stomach feeling queasy. We never talked about it after that, and I always chalked it up to the alcohol. So, our friendship was odd sometimes, and I knew I was in love with him, and we were good for each other. However, we are the type of people that fought constantly. Petty little fights, play fights, and sometimes-real ones. One day stands out in my mind more than the others, mostly because of the intense guilt I felt and feel about it now.

Garrett had gotten used to me being around and he usually left so we could have the house to ourselves; their Grandfather was a businessman and he was hardly ever there. Well, Garrett and Jack had been fighting and so Jack was in an ill mood for a good part of the day. Which in turn, pissed me off, and I had had it with the attitude so I was leaving. I opened the door just as a policeman was walking up. " Is there something wrong officer?" I asked, confused as to why he would be here. "Ma'am is this the residence of Garrett Vanderbilt?" And when he asked that, I knew it was something terrible. I yelled for Jack. He looked confused too, and then the officer told us that Garrett had been in a wreck, and that he didn't make it. I felt Jack stiffen at my side, and I heard him say, "No." Then he lost it. He fell to his knees and cried, and I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I grabbed him and hugged him and he held onto me like I was the only thing keeping him alive. We stayed like that for a long time, and I know he never forgave himself for what had happened between them earlier that day. He never will. The funeral was the worst, his mother came and, of course, said the wrong thing and they almost had a fight right there; I calmed him down and comforted him. He held onto me for the whole service, and I wished, I still wish I could take that pain from him, just take it onto myself. I couldn't stand to see him hurting like that. It killed me.

That incident changed Jack quite a bit, and I understand that now, he was hurting, and we were still really, just kids. He didn't know how to handle the pain, and so he lashed out, he did stupid things and he hurt me, probably unknowingly. He drank more, and he picked up smoking, he would hit on girls in front of me and honestly started to drive me away. The last straw though, the thing that made me leave him and this whole town behind was when he slept with our mutual friend Karis. She had been my best friend since elementary school and when she told me that, she was crying and drunk. I can't explain the fiery storm of emotions I felt in that moment, I guess the biggest one was betrayal, because she knew how I felt, and then there was him. He didn't even like her, and I wanted to hurt him too, because he had hurt me, so I went to his house.

I pulled up in a rage, and stormed into his house. He was sitting on the couch and he looked startled when I came in, then he casually said, "What's wrong?" And I fucking lost it.

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! What the fuck do you think is wrong you fucking bastard? Maybe it's that you SLEPT with Karis! I can't believe you!" I screamed. "Who told you?" He inquired, quietly. "She did! Why, who else knows?! Does everyone know?!" I nearly passed out from the wild emotion coursing through me.

He was up in an instant. "Who cares? It's not like we are together."

He couldn't have hurt me more if he would have punched me, and he knew it in the instant he said it. "No, Mary, that's not what I.."

"No," I said quietly. "You're right, we aren't, and we never will be. I can see that all this time, I've just been nothing to you, but that's okay. That's fine. I will never, ever, let you hurt me again and we will never be friends. I'm leaving."

I turned, and walked away, and I didn't know where I was going to go, but I knew I had to be as far away from him and this town as possible. New York had always held interest for me so that was the place I ended up going.

About a week later I had all of my things packed and enough money for an apartment and gas to get there, and of course he came by the house.

"Wow, you're seriously going?" He said, a bit shocked. I didn't respond, I just sat on my porch steps and looked at the ground. "Why are you doing this, Mary, it's ridiculous?"

I looked at him, and said, "It's really none of your business, Jack."

"Oh really, I'm your best friend and it's none of my business?"

"Were." I corrected.

He looked at me with sad eyes, "What am I supposed to do without you?"

I felt a pang in my heart. "No, Jack, don't try to use my emotions to get what you want, you've done enough of that." So maybe I hit below the belt.

"Don't you dare try to make this about that Mary, I made a fucking mistake and now you're moving halfway across the country."

"It's my decision and I'm doing it for me, so I can get on with my life."

"Mary, please." He begged. " I need you."

I closed my eyes and tried to keep those tears inside, there was so much I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to tell him, and I wanted so badly to hold him and kiss him, but my foolish pride won me. I got in my car and drove away. I watched him fade into the background, and those tears fell freely. I know that a part of me died that day, and I also knew that I had left my heart behind, in the hands of Jack Vanderbilt.

So now I'm here, hiding in this damn room listening to my sister talk about me to this man that I have loved and never been able to get over, but these memories, the look on his face when I drove away, keeps me here, unable to face him.

I heard them finish their conversation and heard him pull off in his big truck. I walked into the other room and sat down, looking at my hands. "Are you mad?" Jess asked.

I swallowed back my emotions. "No, I'm not mad."

Karis and I had finally repaired our relationship about a year ago when she showed up at my apartment in New York City and begged me for mercy. I had since somewhat moved on and I honestly missed her, so I forgave her. Karis was a natural blonde with blue eyes and a very outgoing attitude. I was glad we were friends again and we met up and headed to the bar to catch up and so I could tell her I was moving back. She was ecstatic.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're home. That city is dangerous."

"Well, I never had any big issues, but I really missed it here, and the people."

"Well, hell yeah, I'd say so, I was only up there for about a week and people looked at me like I was a freak of nature, those people are rude."

I laughed at that. "Yeah, it definitely takes some getting used to. I really have missed it."

We talked about some other things and then she asked me the question I knew was coming. "Have you talked to Jack?"

"Well, no."

"Uhm, why the hell not?"

"Well, I… I haven't seen him." A lie, but I wanted to talk about something a bit less touchy.

"Why do I feel like that's an excuse?" She said incredulously.

I just laughed it off.

"Well speak of the devil," She said. "Looks like you don't have an excuse anymore."

"I really hope you are kidding." I said lowly. She pointed behind me and I took a quick peek, sure enough, there he was, talking to the bartender and scanning the place. I turned around quickly, "Fuck. Me. We need to go, now."

"Oh come on, Mary, live a little." She said in that thick country accent of hers. She whistled loudly and yelled, "Hey Jack!" She then motioned for him to come over. I. Wanted. To. Die. I gave her a go to hell look as I felt him approach us. I shrunk into my chair. "Well, how do you do Miss. Karis, how can I help ya?" He said, behind me, oh good, maybe if I could just sit quietly he wouldn't notice me. Well, of course that was wishful thinking, and Karis wasn't having it. "Jack, you haven't said hello to my lovely friend here. I believe you two know each other?" I just sat quietly, mortified. I heard him fumble a bit behind me. "Well, what's your name darling?" He asked, still behind me, expecting me to turn around. I tried to look, strong, or even just normal. So I turned and looked him in the eye. I saw his face change right in front of me, at first it was confusion, then anger, and shock, and then it changed, his face held an expression I couldn't read, and his eyes looked a bit haunted. In a split second he had me out of that chair and lifted me from the ground hugging me around the waist so I was up above everyone else, and attracting some attention. He held me so tight I thought my whole being would break. When he relented his grip I slid down slowly and was eye level with him, and in that moment I felt my heart quicken, finally whole again. We lost ourselves in that moment, I could feel it, and I really wanted to kiss him. I wanted him back, I needed my Jack, I needed him in my life, and I knew I couldn't survive without him. I was instantly reminded of how much he meant to me and I wanted to hit myself for letting the best thing that ever happened to me go. I made my mind up that I would do whatever it took to keep him, even if we could only be friends. He smiled at me with such warmth and then he spoke, "Wh.. When did you come home? How long have you been back? Are ya gonna stay?" Three questions. Damn. "Well, Jack, I, I've been back a few days, and I uhm, well, I, I'm staying." I sounded like a stuttering moron. He sat down beside me, and we talked for a while. "So, I heard you were seeing someone up there?" I knew he meant New York and I also knew he was talking about Vince. "Well, no, not anymore." I answered, wishing he didn't know all the gory details of my life, after all, I knew nothing about what he had done for the past three years. "Well good, from what I hear, he wasn't good enough for you." I knew exactly what he had heard, and I also knew this subject needed a change. "Well, what about you? What have you been doing? You settled down?" I asked casually, but knowing I feared the answer. "Naw," he replied, "You know me, I don't settle." He laughed. Karis interrupted, "Well, what about little Miss Frances Bell? I heard ya'll were engaged." I almost had to hold my mouth closed. He gave her a look, "No, we dated for a while but that's it, nothing to it, she kicked me out." Wow, I thought. He really had moved on, but what did I expect, I mean, I couldn't expect him to just sit around and wait and pine over me. I needed to accept that. "I'm actually looking for a place." He continued. I was also looking for a roommate, but I stayed silent. Karis, however, trying to play matchmaker, couldn't remain silent. "Mary's looking for a roommate, problem solved. I'll even help ya pack." She smiled at us. "I'm so glad to see ya'll beside each other. So cute, you belong that way." I wanted to punch her, and I'm not a violent person. Jack however, liked the idea, for some reason, and looked at me for confirmation. How could I say no to him? I couldn't. So, he decided to start packing.

When I got home that night, I thought about what I had gotten myself into. So, he was going to be living with me, in this house. Whew, what a big change. After all this time could things really go back to the way they were? I wasn't sure, but I had to try to be brave. For once, I needed to take a chance with him.

Jack came by a few days later, and I had almost everything unpacked and in it's proper place. He took a look around and said the house was beautiful and he would be very happy here. I got him a drink and we sat down. "So, why'd you do it?" He asked, I knew that this was coming and figured it was best to get it out of the way. "Jack, you know why, I was angry, and I couldn't deal with it."

"No, not that, I mean, that guy, Vice or whatever."

"Vince." I corrected.

"Whatever." He waited for my response.

I sighed. "I don't know why, it just, sort of happened."

"The Mary I know would never date a married man." He said.

"The Mary you knew has changed." I replied icily, how dare he try to tell me what's right or wrong.

"I don't believe you." He answered, "You put on that tough front but I know you too well. I just don't understand why you would lower yourself to that."

I was getting mad. "Well, Jack it's really none of your business." I said. He looked at me for a long moment, "I guess you're right."