DISCLAIMER: ABC and Andrew Marlowe own this world.

Dear Kate,

I know this must be extremely hard for you to read, all things considering. If you've found and opened this letter, something must be seriously wrong with me. Now I hope for your sake, and mine (I'm not ready to be dead), that everything is going to turn out okay and I'll be fine. Just keep telling yourself that I will be coming home to you soon. You'll be in my arms again before you know it.

If it's more serious than that...I'm sorry our time together was so short. It doesn't even matter how long we've been together now because no amount of time with you will have ever been long enough. I can't get enough of you Kate.

You're probably wondering when I wrote this letter. I'm sure you remember when Ryan and Esposito got trapped in that burning building? Yes, I know you do. You still think about it, you still have nightmares about it. Well, it's been a few months since then and I keep thinking about it too. I talked to Kevin about it yesterday when I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if something like that were to ever happen to me. He told me that he wrote a letter to Jenny once, putting it away so that she'd never find it unless something happened to him. He gave me this idea. So I'm writing this and it's a lot harder than I could've imagined.

I don't like to think about this, about us being pulled apart by something out of our control. I hope you never read this. I hope nothing bad ever happens to me. Not just because, you know, I don't want it to, but also because I don't want you to suffer. I don't want you to hurt and be alone. You've suffered so much in such a short life already. You don't deserve any more pain. So if you are reading this, I really am sorry for letting whatever it was happen. I am sorry Kate.

When I asked Kevin what kinds of things he wrote, he told me to write about the things I'd want you to remember if something were to happen. Those good memories that I want you to cherish for your entire life.

I remember when we first met. It was my book launch party and I was talking to Alexis when you came up behind me. You were dressed professionally and you had that short spunky haircut that I first fell in love with. You didn't like me. Well, you loved my books, I later learned. But as a person? No, you weren't my biggest fan. But I liked you. Not the way I do now, of course, but you were something new and different. You didn't treat me like a celebrity. You were mean and forceful. It intrigued me, to meet someone who read my books but didn't love me. I know it sounds egotistical (I was very full of myself back then, after all) but I had never met anyone like that. That's why I was fascinated. And that fascination led me to want to shadow you. I had no idea it would end up anything like this.

But let me tell you something, Kate. Deciding to follow you around was the best decision I've ever made.

I don't regret it. Not even for a second. I know you were pissed at me when I first started being your partner. You liked to work alone, I know that. But you needed a friend. I could tell that the first time I met you. You were so tense and controlled. All you needed was someone to make you laugh and let go. I knew that from the get-go and I was determined to be that person.

Of course, I never really expected to fall in love with you. If we're being brutally honest here, I thought we'd hook up and then I'd leave and we'd never see each other again. But you aren't that kind of person. It shocked me. After that first case, you said no. Nobody ever said no to me. But if you'd said yes, we wouldn't be where we are now so I'm glad you said no.

We had some really good times, those few years before we got together. You became my best friend. In all honesty, I'd never really had one of those. Not in a long time, anyway. You became the person I sought help from, the person I spent free time with, the person who made me laugh and helped me see the bright side of things. Now, granted, I had to make you laugh and help you see the brightness way more than you did for me, but that was okay with me. Seeing you laugh always made my day.

When you told me that you enjoyed having me around, I knew you were telling me the truth. It had been a hard day, one of the hardest, but there you were, telling me you liked having me around. You liked me "pulling your pigtails" I believe is what you said. My heart grew that day. Because I loved pulling your pigtails. That was also the first time I thought you might have feelings for me.

The second time was after the summer we spent apart. You found me standing over a body with a gun. I realize how stupid that was of me. Sorry about that. You let me help with that case, after you knew I didn't kill her (though I know you always knew that; you didn't really suspect me, you were just pissed). I know you figured it out way before I did. But you let me come up with it first, just so I'd come back to you. Back to us, our partnership.

The third time was during the dirty bomb threat. We got stuck in that freezer with the dead body and we were both so cold. You curled up against me without a second thought. Just before you passed out (side note: that was one of the scariest things I have ever encountered, I thought you had died) you said something. "I just want you to know that I..." You didn't finish it but I know you were going to say something nice.

While we're on the subject, the first time I knew my feelings were more than a crush, the first time I knew I loved you, was when I kissed you in the parking lot before we went to takedown Lockwood. When my lips touched yours, I felt something. Something big. Something bigger than I had ever felt before with anyone. That's when I first knew I loved you. I knew I really liked you before that, but that was the day I knew it was love. It was the day I knew I would never stop trying to get you to feel the same way.

That was the day I knew I loved you. The day I knew I was in love with you was the day I got stuck in the bank. The whole time I was in there, I was so scared I would never see you again, so scared I wouldn't get to be with you, get to tell you how I felt. And when I found out you were doing everything you could outside, even though you weren't supposed to, I felt my heart race. Because I was in love with you, Katherine Beckett. You were my friend and my partner and I was completely in love with you.

My feelings have only grown over the years and I love you more and more with each passing day and I promise that I will for all of eternity. You're the one for me, Kate. Our good times and our bad times, we got through it all. We got to this point. We're together and I love you.

We had some fights too. Some were pretty bad. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "didn't Ryan tell you to talk about good things?" He did. Yes. But I'm getting there, just trust me. Some of our fights were bad. Some I thought we wouldn't get through. There's a particular one that really stands out to me...

It was the Wall Street bombing case we worked. You know the one. It's when I found out you had heard me tell you I love you (side note: I don't regret telling you that either, not for a moment). I was so mad, so angry that you had lied to me. I didn't think I would ever be able to work with you again. For a moment there, I almost gave up on us. I tried so hard to forget you and move on. Clearly it didn't work. We almost got past that though. We were close, after the zombie case. But then, when Orlando Costas was murdered, we had another big fight. I finally called you out on your lie and you said you couldn't trust me. I really thought we were done. It broke my heart.

I came home from Alexis' graduation that night thinking about how just the other day you'd said you would come over and watch movies with me. I knew that wasn't happening now. But then you showed up at my door, soaking wet and crying. And you kissed me. I remember not believing it. Kate Beckett was KISSING me. I thought I was dreaming.

That was one of the best nights of my life, Kate. I hope you know that. Being with you, loving you, finally having you with me. It was a night to remember. I still do. I remember it. I always will.

Another best night of my life was the night you agreed to be my wife. I still don't know how you thought I was going to break up with you. That was the last thing on my mind. But regardless of what either of us thought, hearing you say yes to me is engraved in my memory. It is the single best word I have ever heard. Except for maybe "always."

Speaking of always. That's been our word for a long time now, Kate. I will always help you. I will always be your partner. I will always come back to you. I will always love you. I will always be your husband/wife. We've used it so many times yet it has never lost meaning to me. To us. It is our word, our symbol of hope and love. It means the world to me, just like you do.

You mean to world to me. I hope you never forget that. No matter what has happened to me, I need you to always remember that you mean absolutely everything to me. You are my world. The most important thing in my life. I love you with every part of my heart and soul. You are my always, Kate.

Now, if something really has happened to me, and I'm gone, I need you to be okay. I need you to grieve, of course, but be okay again. Don't let yourself fall down the rabbit hole. Keep floating. You have our friends and our family. You have the boys and Lanie, you have my mom and Alexis and your dad. Don't push them away. You need to pull them close and let them help you.

I know how much you love me, I don't doubt that, but you need to move on. Don't be afraid to be happy or to fall in love again. If I'm gone, I want you to live your life. Be happy, Kate. You deserve it. You deserve everything life has to offer so don't be afraid to take it. Remember me, but move on. I won't be angry. I will see you again one day Kate. You're mine and I'm yours and we'll be together again. I promise. But in the meantime, you should do whatever makes you happy.

I trust you with my life Kate. I have for a long time. And, though I know you don't like admitting it, you trust me with yours. I know you liked being independent but it's okay to rely on someone. It's okay to rely on me. I'm glad you let yourself. But I really do trust you. I trust you with everything I have. I trust you with Alexis. You're the first person I've trusted with her in a long time. That says something.

If something has happened, I need you to take care of her. She's going to pretend she's fine. She's like you in that way. But she won't be. So take care of her. Let her lean on you. You lean on her too. Talk with her. You'll be able to help each other. I know you will. Help her and let her help you.

I love you, Katherine Beckett. I fell in love with you. I don't regret a single day I spent loving you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and I will be eternally grateful for you.

I love you. Always.

Rick

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xoxo Sarah

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