naruto the guy with the ninja

Chapter 1: Teams and a New Mission

Beginning AN:

Well... posting in a really big fandom, one that has a lot of stories... honestly, I'm a bit nervous about this. In fact, the only reason why I didn't side-step around and delay this a bit was just because I felt like getting something out before January ended (I wanted it to be the third chapter of my Gravity Falls fan fic, run:gifocalypse, but that's taking a lot longer to write than I thought). Well, just to let you know that I do not intend to invoke any personal disgust or to really dig at anybody in particular. As explained in my copy-pasta below, this is supposed to be lighthearted.

There's two reasons why this is listed as a crossover. One being that unlike, say, Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals, crossover characters will constantly make up the main cast (is that too much of a spoiler)? And I mean main main cast. Very little Naruto characters are in chapter 2, in fact. The other... well, again, I'm kind of embarassed of this and my intentionally badly written stories in general, so I'm just letting it take 'less heat' now (I think) by trying to sort of 'hide it away' under general crossovers. I might flip this to general Naruto later, I might not. We'll see.

Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admitedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

So there was this hero guy. We'll say he's Naruto for now. He was standing proudly on a tree, because he had just graduated from being an Acadamy to a Genin!

"I will now use my super clone powers for good!" He cried.

Then there was this Konohamaru kid. He was annoying. So Naruto decided to show him how to use a powerful technique.

"And yes! You mastered the Sexy Jutsu!" He cried in proudness, and shed a tear since he knew that it will someday be a very move not to fuck with.

Then this jackass came up, Ebisu, and shouted, "THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NOT TRANSFORMING INTO INDECENT EXPOSURE! THE VILLAGE HAS LAWS AGAINST THAT YOU KNOW!"

Naruto gave an actually jackass smirk back in responce. "Oh really? In that case, HAREM JUTSU! Time to get evenly-battled!"

The harem jutsu, worked and everything was history.

That day, except on the next day, he was flying around roofstops when he noticed a Sasuke nearby.

"HELLO THERE MY NAME IS SASUKE AND I WANT TO CHALLENGE YOU, SUPPOSED NINETAILS." He exclaimed.

"Sure, whatever."

"I MEAN IT! WE ARE RIVALS!"

So Sasuke got ready and tried to do a major attack, just to get a sudden burst of ninetails! Naruto somehow controlled it!

"Oh ok. Well, then Sharingan!"

And Sasuke got the special eyes, then Naruto laughed harder!

"What a joke. You just let me do this:"

And Naruto used a lot of powerful magic, and that suddenly got rid of Sasuke's Sharingan! He had normal eyes now, while Naruto laughed with the Sharingan.

"I now have Uchiha powers in addition to my ninetails! Sucker! Let's see what I can change now..."

(Team Assignment)

After a bunch of weird stuff, Naruto was for some reason placed on the same team as that weirdo that hurt him. Because he was Smart Naruto AU, he's now the one of the top ninjas, while Sasuke is towards the bottom. Also Sakura.

Naruto crossed his arms at the claims and weirdness of Kakashi. He admited that he seemed cool, but then he started looking to favorite Sasuke and Naruto secretly wanted revenge plotted.

So um, later was the bell test. Sasuke went missing, but Naruto was the focus for now. He was using his more advanced powers to get through quicker and keep Kakashi on his feet.

"HA HA! Already I'm very great and powerful! In due time, I should rightfully be the leader of this planet!"

He made a lot of clones of him! That flooded the forest! He was like a rabbit in that he was fast. (Ha ha, you thought this was going to be a sex joke didn't you?)

"Oh no-"

Then Naruto got both of the bells, and braggingly waved them in Saskura's face.

"Ha ha! I'm so good I might as well be the only member of the team!"

"Um... okay." Sakura said.

"YEAH! IN YOUR FACE, BITCH! BITCHY BITCHY B-AYECH!"

"Naruto I think the point was made."

"YEAH! AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A PART OF MY HAREM I THINK! AS A SLAVE! Not a sex slave because I'm too young for that."

(Sasuke)

Meanwhile, Sasuke. He was pulled over to a secret lot with a secret opponent in a big cloak.

"AND WHO ARE YOU?" Asked Sasuke.

Glasses gleamed from under the coat's hooded shadow face. But the face was not made of shadow, it was simply shadowed. Removing the cloak revealed... HARRY POTTER! And no he was not naked underneath. That would COMPLETELY change the tone of the entire story.

"You claim yourself to be a good ninja, don't you?" He asked.

"YEP!"

"You stupid muggle." He shook his head. "Anyway, I'll challenge you to a battle of fights depending on ninjas vs wizards."

So then they were on the rooftop that was the secret lot then Harry said "FIGHT ME YOU BLOODY MUGGLE!" and Sasuke answered with "Ok."

"FIRE NO JUTSU!" Sasuke cried, spitting out a fire ball like he was Mario.

"WATER O!" Shouted Harry, using his wand to make a huge water wave the extinguished the fire ball, and to make it cool it was a wave that pushed Sasuke around and he was all flying around on the splashing water like "AAAHHH!" but it didn't last long, they were on the roof so the water just kinda washed off and ran on some guy's face and he went "JESUS CHRIST WHY!"

"With ninja, they have to say 'no jutsu' so it's easier to have more time to think of the attack when they say what the attack is. With a wizard, you just have to say 'o.'"

"I MUST TALK FASTER THAN!" Sasuke cheered. "REMATCH!"

"The battle's already over you stupid muggle. But I'll tell you what, if danger ever attacks, you can call me and my kick ass organization." He threw a card down. "Here. Only call this in emergencies."

So it turned out that the Kakashi thing was just a test and then they went off on the first mission, the bridge building mission. And no, this isn't in the same universe or even multiverse or multimultiverse as Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals the Rainbow Crew will not be showing up this story isn't that complicated or anything stupid. Anyway they went on the bridge builder trail when suddenly these two guys in scary outfits jumped out.

"WE ARE THE ASSASSINTONS!" They shouted. "NOW SURRENDED!"

Naruto just shouted "GOD NO JUTSU!" and then shot out energy fox beams at them, knocking them out. He laughed his ass off.

"Boy oh boy that was easy. In fact why don't I extend these powers a bit further? I could rule the world with all my abilities!" He looked at Sakura. "And you would be my queen if I also didn't hate you so much for not loving me all the time!"

"Hey that was cool of you let's fight." Said Sasuke.

"LAME." Shouted Naruto, punching Sasuke and sending him flying back to a tree, then he fell to the ground, and was fallen in a hole.

"Naruto that's your teammate that's bad." Said Kakashi, stoic because that's how he normally talks.

"Screw you! I will rule the world now, because get this plot twist I'm actually the villain!"

Sasuke barely got up before flopping back down and starting to black out. He heard Naruto's laugh (also him saying "And Sasuke you're so pathetic that I won't gender bend you and make you part of my harem") as lots of dark energy went around him and captured Kakashi and Sakura. Then the laughter faded out kind of like from waking up from a dream except Sasuke was going into a dream right now and not coming out of it. He dreamed about cake.

When Sasuke woke up he was still on the trail from Konoha but the skies were a dark purple. Which is wierd because the sun was still up around noon. He looked closer to Konoha as he stood up and what he saw was a shocker:

There was this big purple barrier around Konoha so it's like the games where you can't go back to your hometown. He was alone.

He looked in hispants and found that he still had the card that Harry gave him. Also from his pants was his cell phone, which he called.

"HEY HARRY! ARE YOU ALIVE?" He asked.

"Who the bloody hell are you?"

"SASUKE!"

"What? Oh, right, I challenge so many people that use fire and just beat them with Water O that I kind of lost track of even your name. Well, more survivors are welcome, please meet us in the caves right around Konoha."

"CAN DO!" He cheered. And, as luck would have it, the caves were really close to the trail he was already on back when he was still part of Team 7.

So he walked the cave's trail and saw Harry there, sighing. Also with him was this girlish looking person in a blue shirt and white shorts with emo-like orangeish hair, Squidward from Spongebob, and the Master Chief from Halo. And I promise that the latter isn't Kamina this time because I want to not reuse the same spoiler twice.

"Oh bloody fuck I didn't think you'd get here so fast and that we'd have a bit more time without you." He sighed. "Oh well. Welcome to the apocalypse."

"This seems pretty boring I hope there's another village I can survive to." Sasuke frowned.

"Tough shit, it's the apocalypse for a reason. Of course it will be boring! And no, Naruto already did something like this to the other main four villages of the Ninja World. I know this because I saw him flying away bragging about it. He has this 'Midnight Bliss No Jutsu' bullshit that turns men into attractive women, and women into attractiver women, and he claims that he wants to start a 'harem' bullshit when he turns 18 to revive his clan. But he really just wants to take over the world and use every single other person out there as his prizes."

"How mean. D:"

"I know. Anyway here's the team I grouped up: You already know me. That's Master Chief. That's Squidward. And that over there is Dave Strider-"

He was referring to who you might thought was an original character but was actually the guy from Homestuck emoized. He just sighed and said "I'd rather go by the nickname 'Diablo' now? It's edgier and cooler, and it reflects the fact that Naruto just haremized my friends and I'm in such a dark of dispairness."

"Whatever." Said Harry. "Now, we were waiting a month for other people like you to trickle in, before we put a sign up saying 'MOVED TO' and then wherever we plan to move to."

"How the heck didn't Naruto see us?" Sasuke asked.

"I put a spell that makes things invisible to Naruto or something under Naruto's magic invisible. But only if he doesn't touch it. Now, it's only been a few hours since this started so we still have a month of boring scavengering around here before we get to the good stuff."

To skip that, nobody else really came.

"Okay then." Said Harry one month later. "Let's get to the good stuff: Out adventuring in a post-apocalyptic world."

Closing AN:

Wow, I didn't expect this chapter to be so short. But I'm glad that I'm getting back to writing short chapters anyway! I've been... dragging things on a bit.

Anyway, yes, the twist was that Sasuke was the real protagonist, not Naruto. I hope nobody takes this as a direct offense attacking any harem fics or anything like that, I just thought that a story where Naruto's god powers and womanizing were presented as a destructive force that needed to be stopped would make for a... slightly interesting idea, but one that ultimately wouldn't pass unless the whole story was intentionally poorly written. (I'm sure it's been done countless of times but I'm honestly not that big on reading fan fiction as of late, mostly just writing it unless it's about a minor character I really like. And those are surprisingly rare, I mean even characters that have a bit of fan art to them strangely have a lot less story at least on this site...)

Anyway, this may only have around 9 chapters total. No more than 13, no less than 6. And I'm really settling towards 9 being the final number (for a mildly spoiler-y reason, 'dividing' the story up). I already have what will happen in the second chapter planned out and I am working on the final draft of it (to make up for the shortness of this chapter, I'll publish it close by chapter 2. Plus 2 is supposed to be when the 'real plot' starts, which is why I'm also so eager to get to it. Heck I started it a day after finishing the rough to this one) even when this was just published. And... I have a few rough plans for the general chapters after 2, just not much specific. Though I started a little on 3 already.