I know this is late since Christmas was yesterday, but I was bored. Lots of Gintama characters. Sorry if I missed anyone because I'm sure I did. No obvious pairings, maybe a hint of OkiKagu or KonTae.
Warning: Randomness- lots of randomness.
And please read the lyrics - I changed them to work with the story as it progresses. :3
'Twas the night before Chaos
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not an amanto was stirring, not even a mouse;
"Oi, Gin-chan."
"What?"
"I'm not sleepy. Why are we sleeping early?"
"Because it's Christmas Eve and because you're supposed to."
"Why?"
"Because some fat guy is supposed to come and give us something special."
"You mean porn?"
"Wha- where the hell did you get that idea?"
"There's this fat drooling guy who always stands by the store whenever I buy sukonbu in the magazine section and he gives me this rabies infested look before he sticks his hand in his pocket-"
"Not THAT fat guy! And remind me to kill him later. Another fat guy with white hair and-"
"Oh, oh, that musashi guy and he has a cart, right? The cart with the presents, is that how it goes?"
"Damn it, Kagura, it's a sleigh! And it's not musashi!"
"Then who is it, konyarou, stop toying with a young girl's heart!"
"What the- oooh…"
"Gin-chan?"
"…"
"You okay, Gin-chan? You look as red as when I caught you "adjusting the pipes" in the bathroom the other day-"
"Just go to sleep, Kagura. I'll buy you sukonbu tomorrow if you shut the hell up."
"Okay!"
The socks were hung by the sofa with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
"Oi. Oi, Gin-chan."
Shinpachi snubbed his toe into Gintoki's shoulder, only to find he was deep into sleep, dead as road kill.
"Oi. Bastard. I just heard you guys talking on my way up the stairs. Wake the hell up."
"…"
Narrowing his eyes into slits, the young man pursued the pile of clothes and dirty socks surrounding the cough.
"Dirty bastards- why do I always have to clean up after you? It's friggin' Christmas, damn it!"
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Hijikatas danced in their heads;
"One hundred and one dead Hijikatas. One hundred and two dead Hijikatas. One hundred and three dead Hijikatas…"
"Oi, Sadist. What the fuck are you dreaming about?"
Even with Hijikata's heel ready at his neck, Sougo did not stir.
Instead, he grinned deviously in his sleep.
"Choke on a candy cane and die, Hijikata…"
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap;
"Oi, Kondo. It's your turn to patrol."
Hijikata gave the captain's shoulder a push, but the large man wouldn't budge either.
Instead, Kondo brought a thumb to his mouth.
"Mama…"
"What the fuck?"
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer;
"Why the hell am I the only idiot awake right now?"
Yamazaki placed a comforting hand over his superior's shoulder, wordlessly handing him a cup of cocoa topped with mayonnaise.
"Thanks- hey, what was that?"
"What?"
"That loud sound on the roof."
The pair of men ran outside, boots crunching in the snow and fingers itching over the hilts of their swords as they sought the source to the sound.
Eyes widening, Yamazaki pointed, "What the hell is that?"
With newfound spirit brewing in his smile, Hijikata unsheathed his weapon.
"Wake up the others. Seems we have an intruder on our hands."
As Yamazaki ran in to alert the rest of the men, the vice captain laughed to himself.
"Breaking and entry. You've got some balls, old man."
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!
Sleepy eyed and groggy, Tae Shimura was awakened crudely, with a loud voice shouting above her. Stumbling her way from her futon to her window, the young woman grabbed the nearest sharp object she could find.
Damn it, Isao, could you at least let me sleep on Christmas Eve!
Blindly, she threw the object, not caring who it hit, as long as it shut up whoever was making the ruckus.
When there was a satisfying thud of impact and a yelp of pain, the night was silent again.
Otae turned away with a wry smile, eager to head back to bed. It wasn't until she heard the phone ring, that the hostess fully opened her eyes.
"Hello- Oh! It's you… I bet that hurt, didn't it, you bastard! That'll teach you to wake me up-"
There was a moment of uncertainty before Otae spoke again.
"Christmas date? Wait. You're at home. So- so who did I hit?"
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
"Get that bastard! He's getting away on his air craft!"
As Hijikata and the hoard of pajama wearing Shinsengumi members climbed to the roof with blood-thirsty weapons in hand, one member in particular hopped upward faster than the rest.
"Who's the amanto bastard who fucked up my good dreams?"
His sword, cutting through the wind with a whistle, Sougo ran full speed at the unidentified air craft, ready to chop in half whoever had interrupted his slumber right before he was about to stick a mini Hijikata into a blender. Irritated, the flaxen haired man wanted to declare dead Hijikata number two hundred and fifty if it weren't for the damn intruder on the roof.
"I'll kill you!"
Before his sword could meet the tip of the red velvet carriage, the craft took off, a frightened cry left behind as the intruder got away.
So, up to the house-top, with parfaits, they flew,
With the sleigh full of justaways, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney, St. Nicholas came with a bound.
"Oi, Oi, gorilla."
"It's Isao…"
"That's not you on my roof, is it?"
"What? No, I- wait. There's someone on your roof? It's that damn stalker, isn't it!"
"Look who's talking," Otae deadpanned before another sound was heard above her. "No, it's not Sa-chan. She's a ninja, so she wouldn't be this loud. Besides, it's Christmas, so she's probably stalking Gin-san-"
"Oi, what's the matter?"
"Nothing. I'm gonna kill the asshole on my roof!"
Before Kondo could give her a word of warning on the apparent thief that had attempted to get into Shinsengumi's headquarters earlier, he heard the sound of a weapon being drawn, and the other line went silent.
"Otae-san?"
"…"
"Otae-san! Wait right there! I'm coming to save you!"
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a Madao just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
"Oi, Kagura. I think you made him cry. His eyes look all teary."
"So what! He deserved it! Bringing me a stuffed bear! What the hell kind of girl wants a stupid bear!"
"Normal girls, Kagura-chan, normal ones," Shinpachi quipped, flicking his glasses against his eyes.
"I want my damn yearly subscription to soap opera's digest! And where's my sukonbu, damn it!"
"Santa's nose is bleeding, Gin-chan. What should we do? We'll be on the naughty list forever now!"
"Hmm."
Gintoki rubbed his chin in thought, staring at the plump man holding his bruised nose on their couch.
"Oi, Santa-san. You like salted peanuts? You can take 'em from the hag's bar downstairs."
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
"So, you're the one!"
Before the stranger, fully clad in red, could react, his pipe had fell to his feet, the point of a halberd swinging straight for his eyes.
Without mercy, Tae Shimura knew better than to let the man defend himself.
"Damn, drug addicts! Get off my property!"
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
There was a low laugh, rumbling in a dark corner of the bar. As the old man had his mitten-clothed hands in the bowl of peanuts, his eyes darted around the establishment for any signs of danger.
It wasn't long before a cat eared woman appeared into the dim light, her hands clamped over her bosom.
"Ah, Miruku-san. So, you finally had the balls to return to me?"
The bearded man arched a brow, clearly confused by the woman's claim. Another woman appeared, a green slop of cream smoothed over her wrinkles.
"O-Otose-san!"
"Oi, Catherine! Who the hell is this? It's already past closing time and we've got no more beer."
"Ah, Otose-san, this is an old acquaintance, Miruku-san, who has yet to pay back a debt that he owes me."
Blinking, the man dropped the peanuts and raised his hands in surrender. Fearing another ugly encounter, he tried to explain himself but his words ended up muffled instead.
"Chew before you talk! It's good manners!"
"Give me the money you cheated me out of five years ago, Miruku-san!"
He tried to escape, but ended up backing into a wall. Managing to swallow the peanuts in his mouth, he squeaked, "I'm Santa Clau-"
It was too late. The two women were already halfway across the room to him, their heels aiming for his head.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
Eyeing the passed out man on their floor, Catherine rubbed her eyes with a new discovery.
"Ano, Otose-san?"
"Hmm?"
"This isn't Miruku-san…"
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk;
"Elizabeth! It looks like your relative has come for a visit!"
The bird like creature looked up, in the midst of wrapping a gift before Katsura had ushered a round man into Joui headquarters.
At the sight of the stranger, he flipped up a sign.
It read: Who?!
"Isn't this your long lost father you were telling me about? He has white hair like you so I thought you guys looked alike."
When Elizabeth didn't answer, Katsura's expression changed.
There was another sign, before everything blacked out again.
It read: It's a spy!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
Shaking his head, Shinpachi looked to the crowd that had gathered in front of their building.
"Now we're doomed. Santa will have us on his blacklist forever."
Pinky set into his nostril, Gintoki pointed at the monster girl beside him.
"It's Kagura's fault, for giving him a bloody nose! The poor guy was still holding it as he flew away!"
"He didn't give me what I wanted!"
"Oi, who's the idiot who directed him to us! He ate all our peanuts!"
With misty eyes and flushed cheeks, Catherine sighed. "Miruku-san…"
The four turned to the cat woman, expressing their disgust in chorus.
"Ewwwh…"
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a yell,
And away they all flew, like a bat out of hell.
"Asshole! He got away!"
Hijikata flipped a finger to the air, clutching his chest as he caught his breath. When he looked up, he realized they had arrived in front of a familiar bar.
Gintoki passed him a look of suspicion.
"Oi. Why are you chasing Santa?"
"Santa is his name, huh? We'll catch that bastard next time," Hijikata shrugged, taking out a cigarette and lighting it to his lips.
"You're gonna be on the naughty list, too, ya know?"
"That man is the naughty one. Breaking and entry is a crime."
"…"
"I'm sorry, Santa!" Yamazaki cried suddenly when the realization hit him. Crashing to his knees, he reached for the sky. "Come back! I want my 'Prince of Tennis' DVDS!"
"Danna, you have a dirty roof. Look. You have leaves hanging off of it."
Confused, Gintoki looked to a curious Sougo, who was looking for amusement since his pleasant dreams were over. With a palm to his forehead, Gintoki cried in horror, "That's not leaves, that's mistle-"
"-Toe?" Kagura finished, lowering her gaze simultaneously with Okita Sougo's.
Hijikata crunched his cigarette in anticipation for the chaos about to happen.
"Oh, shit."
"China…"
"Sadist…"
"…"
"…"
Before they could react, another presence entered the group- that of a long-haired rebel and his bird-like companion.
Once again, Okita's fun was interrupted. Now fully irritated, Sougo shouldered a large bazooka aimed straight at the Joui leader.
"So, I can finally catch you."
Elizabeth raised a sign.
It read: Merry Christmas?
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove away,
"Happy Christmas to all, and someday, you'll pay!"
"Otae-san! Otae-san! Where are you?"
The home was quiet, and surprisingly free of traps. Full of concern, Kondo ran, slamming doors open as he yelled for the woman.
When he happened upon her bedroom, a heavy weight crashed into his back and tackled him to the floor.
It was all so quick, and Kondo found his nose touching the tip of a very threatening halberd.
"Otae-san!"
"Oh. It's you."
"Otae-san, are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"Does it look like I'm hurt, asshole? Although someone's going to be hurt between the two of us, and it's not going to be me. I worked a double shift because of the holidays and I'm not in a good mood!"
"W-wait! I have presents!"
"Presents? For me? This had better be good…"
Lowering her weapon, the captain gestured toward the door where Otae spotted a large bag. Suspicious, the woman put the weapon aside and released Kondo from her tackle. Walking to the bag, she pressed a finger to her lip.
"What's in it?"
Kondo didn't answer.
Deciding to open the bag, when she did, the first thing she saw was a familiar label. It was a bag full of Bargain Dash and a coupon for a year's supply. Feeling her vicious anger simmer away, she froze as she looked over the gift.
"Isao. You shouldn't have…"
"Well, you know, anything for the woman I love-"
"No, I mean, you really shouldn't have. Why is this miso ramen ice cream? Garlic and Shark fin? Where the hell is my cherry-vanilla?"
"Wh-what? But, I didn't know what flavor to buy and I- well, I-"
"Isaooooooooooooo!"
Eyes glowing with fury, the brunette reached for her weapon again.
"It's the thought that counts?"
"I'll kill you!"
"OTAE-SAN!"
There were 5 stories or so in here, so I hope it wasn't too confusing. The Yorozuya group, the Shinsengumi, Otose and Catherine, Otae (later with Kondo), and the small Katsura and Elizabeth segment before most of them run into each other.
I'm sorry, Santa Claus…