Prologue
I don't think I will ever be able to forget the day that I found out she was gone. I don't think I'd ever want to, because as horrible as the experience was, she was still part of my life then, and this memory was a part of her...a part of Janet. The mother I'd lost. Still, it wasn't as though I had never experienced this sort of pain before. My birth mother was the first...then Daniel...now mom. Daniel came back, thank God, but the grief I felt when I thought I had lost him too was just as strong. It seems now that no matter how many times it happens, you forget how much it hurts, after you've finally found your life again, to have your world pulled out from underneath you once more. Here you are for the thousandth time in your life, dealing with your old wounds and the new, the fading scars and the fresh, and you still have no idea where up and down is. Oh, Damn, this hurts, and there's no one here who can put a band aid on it this time...no one to kiss my pain and make it better...no one but Janet.
And as I sit all alone in the dark infirmary after the funeral, I realize that no one's supposed to make it go away, because no one can...there are no magical cures in the real world. Suddenly, the pit of desperation that's yawning in my chest overflows and drags me under. I curl up in a fetal position on the cold sheets of the bed and pray that, somehow, I'll be able to come through the insanity of the next few weeks without losing a crucial part of who I am, because that's what grief does to you. It drives you so deep inside your head that you forget who you are, and know only hurt. You aren't a person anymore-at least not for the first little while-you're a husk, and there's only one thing that can pull you out of that vacuum of an existence; family. And part of my family I'll never see again.
Before I can stop myself, I am crying...no, make that howling, and no matter how hard I try to jam my face into the cool, unfeeling pillow, I cannot stifle the explosion of misery that's shooting out of my mouth.
Someone must have heard me and come to investigate the noise, because without warning, I feel a pair of arms slide around my waist and hold me close. Through my blurred vision, I see a tuft of blond hair, and I know that Sam has come to my rescue. For what seems like hours, we don't say anything, though I'm not sure we could have even if we'd wanted to, and then I choke out, "Sam, it hurts...it hurts so much!" I feel Sam nod into my hair, and the gesture reminds me so much of mom that I almost can't stand it.
"Oh God, I can't go through this again Sam, not again," I whimper, almost unable to breathe with the blind panic that's come over me. I had never had a full-blown panic attack before, but this was definitely the real thing. Sam, who must have noticed that my crying had crept into true hysteria, pushes me away from her a little and takes hold of my shoulders. "Cassie," she orders me, "Just take it easy, honey. Cassie, listen to me, breathe!" But it's not happening, and Sam is pulling me up and supporting me around my abdomen, locking her wrists out in front as she tells me to bend over and let my head hang. I'm starting to get scared now, so I do what she says. When she tells me to breathe slowly, I do it, still folded over her firm forearms. As the blood starts returning to my brain, my breathing becomes possible again, and I can stand by myself. I straighten, and Sam releases the pressure she's been providing.
Under some kind of control again, I turn to face her, and she tilts my face so that my eyes lock with hers. "Cass, are you..." She starts, but before she can complete her question, the Red-Alert klaxon starts blaring, and someone's voice comes booming over the intercom, "Unscheduled off-world activation, I repeat, unscheduled off-world activation!"
"Oh, no--what now?" Suddenly brisk, Sam turns to me, and puts her hands on my shoulders, "Stay here and don't move until I get back, okay? I've got to go see what this is." I nod, and she races out of the room at top speed. I watch her go with an ache in my chest. So I'm alone again, I think dully, and settle down to wait.