Inside the Series: Soul Society Edition

Because people wanted to see me interview others and the first one is wrapping up, I decided I'd do this one. It's just like the others. I own none of the characters I torture. I feel like Renji is the frontman for the Soul Society, so I'm starting with him. I will do all captains, most lieutenants, and some others. Read for yourself.

Abarai Renji: Part I

"Welcome to my show!" said Charles. "We are expanding the Bleach segment and going into the Soul Society. And I am here with perhaps one of the best known faces of the Soul Society, Lieutenant Abarai Renji. In our poll, Renji, you ranked at the third most popular character."

"Okay," said Renji as he sat down and shook Charles's hand. "Out of curiosity, who were the first two?"

"Byakuya was second and Kisuke was first."

"And why am I the first interview?"

"Renji, I voted illegally multiple times to get you to third. But that was before I found out that the interview schedule is completely up to me."

"I see."

"So, I hear you smoke a lot of cigarettes. Is that true?"

"It's true," said Renji as he lit one up. "But I lead a very stressful life. Acting, killing Hollows, enforcing rules. It was smoking cigarettes or shooting cows with a crossbow, and the latter is not unhealthy, so I smoke two packs before I smoke two packs."

"And then you smoke two more."

"Yeah. There's more to it, though. I hate my boss, I love his sister, and I think my life sucks. And my girlfriend is a bitch."

"Ah, yes, I've heard you're dating. Congrats. Or maybe not. Who is she?"

"Mei Ling."

"From Metal Gear Solid?"

"Yes."

"Wow. She is not your type."

"Oh, who is, then? Otacon?"

"No, you're more a Sasuke type if you're gay. If you're straight, I'd put you with Kelly Clarkson."

"And if I'm bisexual?"

"Morgan Freeman and Phyllis Diller."

"That's disgusting."

"Pedophile match up is R Kelly."

"Thank you, Charles."

"Porn star match up is Jenna Haze."

"That's enough."

"Okay. So, I've heard you dislike Hellsing. Is that true?"

"It's a little of a stretch, but I will not deny that Alucard still owes me seventy dollars!"

"But do you hate Hellsing?"

"No. But I do hate Izuru."

"Why?"

"He's an alcoholic crack addict." Renji lit another cigarette. "There was one time *cough* where he *cough* was *coughcough* so drunk and stoned *coughhack!* that he was doing *cough* the Macarena and he *coughing fit!* said something about *hack* how much he wanted to get with Megaman." Renji spat on the floor. "Sorry."

"You'd better be," said Charles. "I just paid a too large sum of money to get my stage cleaned and shined."

"You paid Momo to fuck her and then have her clean and shine the stage with your mixed fluids while you got dressed for this show."

"You must admit the stage has a nice shine to it."

"You paid Momo twenty cents."

"Doesn't change the fact that you spat on my clean stage. Clean it up."

"Fuck you."

"Okay." Charles hit a button on his remote and a hammer whacked Renji on the head. "I'll use him as a mop. Tune in when I have my studio session with Captain Ichimaru."

The next one will have an awkward moment. You've been warned.