Love Me
Disclaimer - I own nothing.
Rating - Strong PG-13 (Language)
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Looking at my face in the mirror I can see the tear tracks running down my cheeks. The mascara I had been wearing smudged down my face making the dark rings under my eyes even darker.
I have to do this.
Whatever our relationship is, it's killing me. We see each other, we kiss, we fuck, we don't date, we don't have romantic moments. It always seems so purely physical, and I can't take it anymore.
I can't be with someone who makes me feel like some human sex toy. Used, but not loved. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy the sex, I do. It's just that it's amazing how you can feel so close to someone, so one with someone, and that they don't feel the same.
He shuts me out. Maybe he does care. Maybe he feels the same way about me as I feel about him… but he doesn't show it. He doesn't show any emotions beyond a little friendship and a lot of lust.
Is lust even an emotion? Is it just a state?
He knew how I feel about prom. He KNEW how important it was to me, but he didn't seem to understand that half the point was that he was there to share it with me. To kiss me at the end of the last dance. To take me home and make love to me. He didn't ask me, he didn't share the last dance with me. He came around to my house after the dance was over, after the after-prom parties had wound up, after I'd cried through half the night, and expected me to spread my legs for him. He thought that even though he hadn't bothered to make the effort to come with me, to buy me flowers, to say that he liked my dress, to dance with me, that I'd spread my legs for him, that I'd have sex with him.
He didn't see the tear tracks, or he didn't care. He told me that he'd missed this, he'd missed having sex with me. He didn't tell me that he missed me, he didn't tell me that he loved me. When I told him I loved him, he rolled over and fell asleep.
He told me the next day that he wanted to keep on doing what we were doing, but that I was asking for too much commitment. I don't want commitment, I never have. All I want is someone to love me the way that I love them. Everyone always assumes when I say that that I want a boyfriend, but I really don't care, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, I don't care. I just want someone to love me, to hold me, to kiss me, to turn up at my house with a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream if I'm sad, to say hello to me with a kiss, to say goodbye with another kiss and an "I love you".
I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me.
I don't want to be in a relationship that's killing me.
That's why I'm going to tell Michael it's over.
That's why Maria DeLuca is going to find herself her own love.
I'm going to tell him goodbye.
I'm going to kiss him and tell him that I love him, then tell him that it's over.
I'm going to leave this relationship that's killing me.
If I ever find the strength.
I'll tell him when I find the strength.
I don't think I ever will.
I'll die in a relationship with a man who doesn't understand how much I love him.
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The End