Chapter 1: Like Fire and Ice

Tessa could not recall how long she had been lying inertly in her bed. She blinked and looked around her familiar bedroom, trying to piece together the events of the day as they all swam together in her mind. Tessa closed her eyes and sighed as she balled the fabric of her bed sheets in her fists. She thought back to the mechanical creatures that had rained down in the Council chambers and Henry's quizzical examination of them. Tessa couldn't fathom any use for them at the Council meeting but didn't think much more of it. Her mind lingered on Jem's announcement of their engagement, the stunned silence that followed, and specifically the look that crossed Will's statue like features for a fraction of a second. Tessa recalled letting go of a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in when Will stood and broke the silence with congratulations. The news of Charlotte and Henry's son to be followed, and soon the whole room was alive with excitement and joy of new beginnings. Tessa hadn't even stopped and allowed herself to feel sorry for the loss of Jessamine. Her body had begun to feel heavy with a sudden tiredness when Cyril had entered claiming that someone of Shadowhunter status had insisted upon seeing everyone. When he returned with a girl who looked no older than fifteen, Tessa's face, she knew, betrayed what she felt. Tessa sucked in an audibly shocked breath and felt blood swell beneath her pale cheeks. She knew who the girl was immediately; it was impossible not to see the breathtaking resemblance between the young girl and Will.

No one said a word. The lighthearted air in the room was suffocated by the silence, save for Bridget's woeful singing about the ruthless robber Bold Brennan in the kitchen. Then, "I apologize for interrupting your dinner hour, but I had nowhere else to go. I am Cecily Herondale, you see. I have come to be trained as a Shadowhunter."

There was a moment's hesitation, then Sophie tore her eyes from where Cecily stood and began to clear the table. She promptly excused herself from the room, followed by Gideon, who looked momentarily from Will to Cecily, but merely shrugged and left the room as well. Tessa thought, rather absent-mindedly, that Gideon was most likely becoming rather used to the peculiar events that happened at the Institute. Tessa trusted that Sophie would explain to Gideon that there were periods of peace at the Institute in which estranged family members did not appear out of the woodwork, but Tessa shook that from her mind. Henry had turned to Charlotte for assistance, as if he were missing some crucial piece of information, but Charlotte did not appear to notice him. She was white-faced and utterly quiet as she stared brazenly and open-mouthed at Cecily. Jem soundlessly moved closer to Tessa and took her hand in his own. Tessa did not move, she only stared at Will, allowing herself this moment to look at him without reserve or guilt. His body was rigid, and Tessa could see that the muscles in Will's back and shoulders had tightened, almost defensively. His face was pale with fear and anxiety, with the exception of the blotches of high color in his cheeks. His eyes shone with what Tessa initially thought were tears, but soon realized was actually a fire that startled her. In a small corner of her mind, Tessa feared that after the announcement of her engagement, Will would never have that sort of passion in his features again.

A larger part of herself than Tessa willed herself to think about at the moment, was relieved to see true emotion from him again, but that same part of her was also suddenly filled with great sadness.

Will veiled his true emotions quickly, and in their place was a mask of cool control. "Cecily," Will whispered. Tessa's legs felt leaden and she was overcome with the desire to approach Will and take his hand instead of Jem's.

Tessa silently scorned herself for such a thought. I love Jem, I love Jem. Out of the corner of her eye, Tessa saw Charlotte cautiously approach Will and open her mouth, but Will only held up a hand to stop her. "Everyone," he said. "I need a moment alone with my sister—Cecily." Will seemed to stumble slightly over the word sister, as if he was unsure of its meaning.

"Will," Charlotte started, "We need—I mean, I do not think that—"

"Charlotte, please. I need to handle this on my own accord. I beg of you, all of you, please just go."

Charlotte's right hand closed into a fist and her lips became taut with disapproval. Nonetheless, she let Henry take her by the shoulder and lead her out of the room. Tessa's legs tingled with feeling once more and she took a small step towards Will. Before she could utter a word, Tessa saw as Will closed his eyes as if he were suddenly very tired. "Everyone does not exclude you, Ms. Gray," he said.

Tessa felt as if someone had slapped her. Ms. Gray. Will had not spoken to her like that since they had first met in the Black Sisters' house. She did not think he meant it to be cruel, but somehow Tessa had not realized the extent of what had broken between her and Will until that moment. Was this how it would be? Would Will revert back to addressing her formally and only speaking to her as if she were a mere acquaintance? She could not imagine it possible. Yet how could he not? It was what he wanted after all. It was the proper course of action now that she and Jem were engaged. Will had asked Tessa not to tell Jem that he loved her, but she didn't think that meant this. Please Tessa, don't tell him what I just told you. Don't tell him that I love you. She didn't think everything between them became expunged, and in its place was this hollow impersonation of their former relationship.

Tessa knew that Will was trying to hurt her enough to leave but her legs had turned to liquid. Upon burning her hand earlier, Tessa realized that all her capacity for emotion had been burned away as well. Now she felt no sadness, only an aching emptiness that threatened to take her under. Tessa swayed on her feet and she felt Jem at her side at once. He caught her hand and steadied her. "My darling," he said, his voice soothing, "Are you alright? You look flushed."

Tessa looked up into Jem's eyes. His dark irises were startling against the pale white of his skin and silver of his hair. Skin and hair that revealed the disease that coursed through his body, slowly dissolving him from the inside. A disease with no cure, which would eventually take him from her. Yet since agreeing to marry him, Jem had seemed better, well even. Could that be because of me? Tessa thought. Could love save a man's life? Tessa searched Jem's face and saw no trace of weakness or fear, only unwavering concern and love for her. Jem's eyes were not ablaze with fire like Will's, but more calm and unwavering. The two were extraordinary opposites, like fire and ice, Tessa thought.

Tessa knew that Jem would love her until the day he died. She glanced at Will and wondered if the same thing could be said about him. After the last few days' events, she wasn't sure. She doubted she would ever know.

Tessa swallowed hard against her dry throat. She saw herself in Jem's eyes and knew that though her love for him was nothing akin to her love for Will, it was a pure love nonetheless. The hollowness inside of Tessa ebbed slightly, and in its place grew a warm sense of understanding that no matter the circumstances, Jem would always love her.

Jem is my greatest sin.

A part of Tessa was overcome with sadness again, but she shook the feeling from her and instead let Jem hold her.

Tessa closed her eyes and leaned into her fiancé. "I suppose the shock of this evening has made me slightly light-headed, yes. I'm sorry."

Jem nodded. "There's no need to apologize Tessa, it's understandable. I'll help you to your room." Jem steadied Tessa in his arms and looked to his parabati. Tessa knew the details of a parabati relationship from the Codex, and she wondered if Jem could be feeling what Will felt in that moment. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling. Will smiled without humor and turned to Jem. "Jem, if you would. I'll be all right, you go on, take care of her."

Tessa glanced up and saw Will looking straight at her. The flames in his eyes had dulled considerably, but they seemed to rekindle slightly at the sight of her. Jem nodded and led Tessa out of the room. She did not look back.

Jem had insisted Tessa let him help her into bed after Sophie had arrived and helped her change into her dressing gown. He sat at the foot of her bed in an armchair and read to her from a leather-bound book of Chinese poetry his mother had given him. Though Tessa did not understand the language, she found the sound of Jem's voice curving over the words comforting. As he read, Tessa rested her hand on the family ring Jem had given her as an engagement gift and watched Jem's lips as they tumbled carefully over each line. After a while he looked up from the book to see her smiling.

"Do you find my attempts at nursing you amusing? I am sure you're finding this rather boring. I suppose I never cared to think you wouldn't understand a word of what I'm saying, but I only hoped—."

Tessa held a finger to his lips. "Shhh. I do not find it boring, on the contrary, I find it very nice. But I'm starting to feel rather tired now."

Jem closed the book and rested it in his lap. He reached out and very gently stroked Tessa's cheek with the back of his hand. "Say no more my dear, you need to rest."

Jem rose from the chair and began towards the door. He hadn't gone far when he turned back slightly to look back at her. "What is it?" Tessa asked. Jem smiled slightly, almost as if he were embarrassed. "It's just, I keep waiting to wake up and find that this is all a dream, you agreeing to marry me. I cannot fathom why you would give yourself to a dying man, but I am so grateful for it Tessa. I love you."

Tessa flushed, but held Jem's gaze. Never had she felt such a strong need to protect someone before; Jem seemed to unlock a part of her heart she did not think existed. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and keep him close to her during the quite hours of the night. Tessa flushed more at the thought of what she was about to say. "Jem, would you—would you mind staying with me tonight?"

Jem looked surprised yet ecstatic and petrified all at once. "It wouldn't—Tessa that isn't the proper way for a man to behave with his betrothed—"

Tessa smiled. "I believe we're anything but proper at this juncture in time, Jem. Would you be so opposed to such a thing?" And Tessa knew he would not be. Without another word, Jem left the room and returned soon after in his own sleeping attire. Tessa moved to make room for Jem in her bed and she let herself fit into the mold of him. Jem smiled as Tessa blew out the candle on her night table and wrapped herself in his embrace. Jem leaned in and kissed Tessa, sweetly and with no reserve, his hands cupping her face.

"I love you Tessa."

In the darkness, Tessa placed a delicate kiss at the edge of Jem's mouth. "I love you Jem."

Soon after, Jem fell into a deep sleep that only those truly at peace can. Tessa lay in the circle of his arms until she felt her eyes becoming heavy. That night, she dreamed of Will.

A/N: I'm brand new here at FanFiction so please rate and review and feel free to leave comments/questions. This is only chapter one and there is much more to come, so stick around!