Captain Levi opened the cabinet that set next to his bed, reaching blindly into the dark corners until his hand tightens around the neck of a glass bottle of absinthe. Alcohol was expensive, he knew that. This bottle was something he got while he was a leader of the crime underground, something he had been saving for when he needed it most. This was that time.

Not a single tear had fallen, though he felt as though he had cried all the tears he could. The old castle was empty. It was silent. It lacked the laughter or bickering or idle chatter that usually filled the halls from the members of his Squad. A sigh passed over his lips as he slumped onto his bed. His Squad was dead. All of them. He could do nothing about it and he hated that. He wasn't even there to try to save them.

He opened the bottle and took a long sip straight from it, barely even feeling the burn as the alcohol went down his throat. His team was dead, the few people he relied on beside Erwin. He could barely think.

"What a mess," Levi whispered as he lowered the bottle. He composure was breaking again, he could feel it. He had already let it slip when he was talking to Petra's father. Now he had no one around to hear him if he cried, no one to judge him or say anything about it. The rest of the Survey Corps were out of the building with their families at the moment. Except Eren. The Captain hadn't even locked him up in the basement. Who knew where he was? "Doesn't matter," he said aloud. "Nothing does right now."

He stood up. Then he fell to the ground, his body wracked with violent sobs. Pressing his forehead to the ground, he attempted to calm himself, but couldn't. He was alone. For the first time in years, he was truly alone. Levi was used to the feeling, but he always had someone there to count on, even when he felt alone. Now he was truly alone. That's the part that frightens me. They knew they could die- I knew they could die. People die every single time we go outside of the walls. He sat up and pushed his hair back from his face as a thought struck him. I just thought it would never be one of us.

He took another sip, this one longer than the last. Gunther. Auluo. Erd. Petra… Forgive me. The tears hadn't stopped flowing freely down his face. He would never forgive himself. The guilt wouldn't ever leave him, that he knew. As his breathing calmed down and the sobs subsided, Levi stood up. His body was slightly shaky from all the emotions he was feeling, but he managed to make his feet carry him down the dorm hall.

There was nothing but silence and his light footsteps, and the occasional swish of the liquor in its bottle. His feet led him past the rooms of Gunther, Auluo, and Erd. He froze as he passed Petra's door. It was slightly open- she had probably accidentally left it that way only that morning- and he could swear he saw her, standing there and gazing out the window as she sometimes did whenever he would walk past her room.

She would always smile at him: always the same warm, kindhearted smile. Her golden eyes and hair would shine in the sunlight through the open window. Sometimes she would invite him into her room and they would talk- Well, she would talk. He would listen politely and let her say whatever she wanted to, leaned against the window frame. He always liked her voice. It was a comfort to him.

His grip tightened on the neck of the bottle, turning his knuckles white. I'll be comforted no more. Suddenly he was there, in her room, next to the window, right beside where she would normally stand. His fingers softly traced along the window frame that was worn from all their conversations as he took another long sip. It was here that they had shared their first- and only- kiss.

"Captain?" there was some sort of… worried tone in her voice.

He shifted his gaze from the wall to her beautiful eyes. "Yes?"They had been unofficially- and secretively- dating for months now. It was only unofficial so they wouldn't get too attached, so there was nothing permanent or unprofessional binding them together. One of them could die at any moment. It was the only way to keep things easy… If easy could be used to describe it.

She remained silent. "Petra? Do you have something to say or not?" Luckily for him she could tolerate his brashness.

Her gaze fell for a moment before locking firmly on his. "Are you only humoring me?" Tears brimmed in her eyes. "I-I've been thinking, Levi. Why isn't this open, why are we hiding it from everyone? Why is it not even official? We haven't even gone on an actual date. I can't help but feel like you're only with me to appease my feelings." The tears welled up and overflowed as she bowed her head and whispered. "I'm sorry, Captain Levi."

Levi just stared at her in silence. He didn't know what to say. There was nothing he could say.

The young woman turned to leave as she began to truly cry.

His hand clamped down- not roughly- on her arm and he pulled her into his chest. "Petra," he breathed into her hair. "I'm not just tolerating you. You mean so much to me." He gently placed a finger under her chin and tilted her face up so she was looking him in the eyes. "I don't ever want to see you leave." He was never good at romantic speeches or fully explaining things. He couldn't put into words how much she meant to him, or how it would complicate things to openly date each other, or how much it would hurt him to see her die, or how much he hated the thought of dying and abandoning her. He just couldn't say those things.

There was only one thing he could leaned in and pressed his lips to Petra's in a gentle, clumsy kiss. She was still for a moment in surprise, but then she relaxed into him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Levi broke the kiss slowly, pulling away barely enough to look her in the eyes. A tiny smile played at his lips. "I'm sorry."

Levi frowned as he looked around the room, then down to the bottle in his hand. Petra would have been ashamed of- No. Not ashamed. Understanding. She would have comforted me.

"I won't shame her memory." He walked back to his room and put the bottle away before fixing his hair again. Taking off his shirt, he laid down in his bed and stared at the ceiling. He had so many regrets consuming his mind, but he was a soldier. They wouldn't consume him. They would drive him. He would fight for his team. He would stay strong for Petra. He would do all he could to save humanity. He was a soldier. He was strong.

He would fight.