"I love you."
The words are out of her mouth before she knows what she's saying. And he's staring at her across the table, because they both know that she doesn't love him like a brother and it kills them both but it's true. They never say it, and she's broken that unspoken rule by voicing her feelings aloud.
"I love you and I can't just be your sister, no matter what I said."
Her eyes are pleading with him to understand and she feels tears burning her eyes. She swallows the lump in her throat and tries to think of all the things that she'd planned to say to him.
"I was talking to Luke—and—"
She tries to soldier on, but the words are stuck in her throat and she can't remember what she was going to say anyway. She drops her gaze, because it's so hard to look at those golden eyes and think. She feels a hand on her shoulder and looks up. He pulls her to her feet and those gold eyes are blazing and she's forgotten how to think, to move, to do anything. He keeps his hand around her arm as he leads her out of the restaurant, stopping to throw money down on the table. Was there food, she wonders dazedly.
They are out in the alley before he says anything. His words are a too fast blur that rushes past her ears. She wants to ask him to repeat it, but he's standing too close and she can't breathe with the smell and feel of him evading all of her senses.
"Jace," she tries to say, but all that comes out as a sigh.
And then he's even closer than she thought was possible. She wants to protest, tries to picture him as her brother, but the only thing she can think is that she loves him too damn much and she might die if she doesn't kiss him right this instant. So she does, raising her head and closing the distance between the two of them. She feels him sigh against her mouth and it sounds like I love you. Her only response is to press herself closer and twin her hands through his hair. It feels so natural, so right. It is the most real and perfect thing in this crazy world of demons and angels and she can't comprehend why anyone would consider it wrong.
They are pressed so close that she feels like they're one person and yet she wants to get even closer, make the miniscule distance between them nonexistent. Clary feels the press of the brick alleyway against her back, Jace's silky hair beneath her fingertips, his hands grasping the small of her back and then running the length of her legs hitching them around his waist and making her gasp against his mouth. His responding chuckle causes her to shudder and she feels his smile against her lips. Her world has shrunken down to two people and all that exists is his body moving against hers.
The illusion is shattered by the sound of people passing by the alley where they are pressed against the wall. One of them lets out a wolf whistle and another cries out, "Get a room!"
They break apart and Jace sets her down on the back of her feet. Clary knees feel weak and she fears that she might collapse without Jace's arms around her to hold her up. She can't quit believe that she made out with her br- with Jace in clear sight of anyone who walked by. She can't meet his eyes and instead finds herself staring at a spot to the right of his ear. She knows that her face has turned a deep and unattractive shade of red and she wonders if he thinks this-them is a mistake, but she is too scared to look and find out. "Do you?" a voice deep inside her whispers. As if reading her mind, he lifts her chin and rests his palm against the side of her face. His eyes are bright and he looks happier than she has ever seen him. There is none of the regret she feared she would read his in his face.
"I love you, Clarissa Fray."
She frowns at that and wants to ask him if it's Clarissa Fray he loves or Clarissa Morgenstern, but she's not even sure which Clarissa she even is and she doesn't want to complicate things with names and relations and the same blood running through their veins and so she takes the easy way out and smiles and says, "And I you, Jace Wayland."
Neither of them mention the things they've left unsaid, the problems left unsolved, or the names that have never truly belonged to either of them . Clary lets him take her hand and pull her out of the alley and into the sunlight and laughs when one point of contact isn't enough for him and he pulls her into his side throwing an arm over shoulders and kissing the side of her head. She looks up at Jace and sees boundless optimism and love in his eyes and she wants to be like him, unafraid, but she's scared. She wishes she wasn't, but she is.