Green is Not Collins! II
By Akari Van Halen
Rating: PG-13 for disturbing and HIGHLY RANDOM scenes.
For all my adoring fans, I decided to make a brand spanking- (I HATE that word, by the way) new sequel to my very first fic, Green is NOT Collins! Enjoy the product of my growing insanity and my lack of sugar! (By the way, I strongly suggest that you read the first Green is NOT Collins! before reading this one. Review if you think this should be a series!)
I am A, meaning, of course, Akari. J, one of my fresh-out-of-the-insane-asylum-junction friends, will be appearing in my fic too! I am happy.
Disclaimer: HA HA! You don't own the characters or the rights—wait. Neither do I. Darn.
Ed felt dirty one morning. He didn't know why, but it was this day that just made him feel...well, dirty. He thought a shower would help. He went to the squad locker room and then (sorry, ladies, but I can't write about Ed in the nude. I save that for my other two "Law" characters) he took a shower. After getting out, he changed and was ready to leave when he heard a cry of ecstasy coming from the men's room stall. Dear God, Ed thought.
"Oh man, that was amazing," said the voice. "You're so damn good."
The stall opened, revealing a naked Bobby Goren. Apparently, he and "Bobby Junior" were killing time. (Well dude, you sure killed it. It's dead. Forever.)
"Ed!" he shouted. Ed stopped his running start to the exit. He cringed and dared not to turn to see the HIGHLY UNNECESSARY wonder that was the lower end of Detective Goren's grotesquely shaped body.
"Uh...hi?" Ed replied nervously. He still did not turn around.
"It's been so long," said Goren. He placed his hand on Ed's shoulder, then violently turned him around and kissed him in the open-mouth fashion.
"AAAHH!" Ed screamed (hey, you'd scream too if you were just kissed by Bobby Goren! Ewwww!), running out of the locker room. When he reached his desk (or the squad room at least), he saw that all the desks were gone. All that was left was a stereo. Anita was dancing around in a hippie outfit, spreading daisies and singing to "Good Morning Starshine", which was playing on the stereo. Ed, now completely freaked out, took out his gun and aimed it at her. She grinned a tooth-filled grin, took a daisy from her basket and placed it in the barrel of his gun.
"Peace and love, brotha," she said (::snortgiggle::) . The other officers began dancing around with her.
"Right then, I'll just be going now," said Ed. He began to tiptoe out of the precinct, hoping no one would bother him. Unfortunately, he bumped into Lennie, who was wearing nothing—but black down to the shoes, sunglasses and beret.
"Hey man, that wasn't—coool," said Lennie.
"What?" Ed asked, confused.
"That wasn't—coool," Lennie said again.
"OH MY GOD! YOUR'E A BEATNIK!"
"Dude, I'm coo-cooo for Cocoa Puffs!"
"AAAAHHH! THE RANDOMNESS!"
Ed ran out of the precinct. All of a sudden, Angel appeared.(yes, the drag queen from Rent that we've all grown to love.) He was playing a stereo, which played the karaoke version of "Iko Iko". He was singing to it and playing his drums. He saw Ed and ran over to him.
"Tom! You came!" Angel cried happily.
"Again, wrong guy," Ed replied.
"Oh right. Detective Green. Are you Tom's brother or something?"
"Uh, let's see...tick, tick, tick...[imitates buzzer noise] NO!"
Just then, a small dog jumped out of a certain apartment building, landing in between Angel and Ed. In anger, Angel yelled in the angriest, lowest, manliest voice, "IMPOSTER!", then ran into the building.
Guess I'm in the clear, Ed thought to himself. He decided to go to the nearest restaurant. A while after he sat down to eat, he noticed someone outside the window. Someone familiar. It was Mike. He was wearing a toga and was swinging on a vine that did not seem to be attached to anything. He crashed into the restaurant's window, breaking the glass.
"Does this—ow— make me more attractive, Ed? "Mike asked him. Ed just glared at him, stood up and began to leave.
"NOOOO!" Mike cried. "WHY MUST YOU NEVER TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT IN ME? WHYYYYY???"
As Ed left, the restaurant's jukebox began to play "She's Like the Wind". (J: I am speaking on behalf of the Random to Near Insane Board. I apologize because this song, though is random, has nothing to do with this story. Akari, you're under arrest. A: WHA??? NOOO! TELL THE PEOPLE! I'M INNOCENT! INNOCEEENT!!! [Police haul Akari into the paddy wagon] YOU'LL SEE! I'LL BE BACK ON THE STREETS BEFORE DINNERTIME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).
"Of all the random songs to play, it had to be that one," muttered Ed to himself. He left the restaurant in VERY high hopes that no one from the casts of Law & Order or Rent would bother him. But then...
"GREEEEEEG!" Ally McBeal screamed, jumping on Ed. "OhmygodhowsitbeenImissyousomuchwhathaveyoubeendoingwithyourselfareyoustilla doctorIloveyouletsgotomyplacewecanorderoutanddrinkandthenwecanmakeloveohIsee youreadetectivenowareyoumarriedwecanalwaysgetmarriedyouknowandthenwecanhavek idsdoyouwantkidsbecauseyouknowImtoosmalltocarrythemifIgetpregnantamItalkingt oomuchwellenoughaboutmetellmewhatyouvebeenupto!"
Before Ed could speak, a sudden gust of wind came and blew the lawyer away (I just couldn't help myself; I watch way too much SNL).
"Call me sometiiiime!" she yelled as she floated away with the wind. Ed stood up and looked at the sky.
"Thank you," Ed said, looking up directly. He walked on and found detectives Benson and Stabler crying near a car that was dented at the top, which was caused by a fallen sturgeon. "You guys okay?" Ed asked them.
"Oh Ed, it's terrible!" Olivia (Benson) sobbed.
"Munch and Fin were in the back of Munch's car and then that big sturgeon came and fell on top of the car; now they're trapped!" Elliot (Stabler) cried.
"We need your help," said Olivia.
"What can I do?" asked Ed.
"The only way they can get out..." Elliot started.
"Is?"
"Is if you get in the car and try to kick the sturgeon off the top. We'll watch—I mean, try to help from out here."
"Um...okay," Ed replied as he got into the car.
"HA HA! SUCKER!!!" Fin laughed as Munch kissed Ed on the lips.
"HOLY CRAP! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Ed screamed as he got out of the car and ran away. "Damn!" yelled Elliot. "We almost had 'im!"
"Another time, honey," said Olivia. "Another time."
..............................................Ed had run a good three miles away from the dirty, evil, disgusting car. He soon found himself in the East Village, where he noticed two familiar characters from Rent doing something that didn't seem quite kosher outside a tattoo parlor.
"What's it say on MY back?" a satisfied Roger Davis asked his friend.
"SWEET!" replied an ecstatic Mark Cohen. "What's it say on MY back?"
"DUDE!" Roger responded. They both saw Ed.
"COLLINS!" they yelled.
"What's it say on MY back?" screamed Roger.
Collins—er, Ed, stared at them for a second, then decided to respond.
"Sweet," said Ed. He was getting VERY tired of this.
"Betcha didn't think we would do this, huh?" asked Roger slamming his large hand onto Ed's back. "Huh?" "Technically, we didn't," said Mark. "These are temporary tattoos."
"Yours isn't," said Roger. "Mine is."
Mark choked. "WHAT?" he screamed.
"Say," said Roger. "Where'd Collins go?"
"I'M NOT FREAKING COLLINS!" Ed screamed from across the street. "NOT COLLINS! GREEEEEEN!!!"
"Jeez, okay," said Mark. "Just wanted to warn you... about that,"
"What?"
"THAT!" yelled Roger, pointing to the three people who were after him the most: Angel, Bobby, and Mike.
"AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!" Ed screamed, running away. "NOT FAIR! NOT FAIR!!!!" The End—?