AN: Recently I have become obsessed with TFLN so I wanted to write a one-shot based from the texts. This one has Pezberry action in it. Hope you enjoy! The texts I used will also be in bold italics within the story so you will know.
(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live." That drunk.
(978): I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. You came close.
(305):I made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
It was the sound of her phone buzzing on her nightstand that woke Santana. She grabbed for it blindly, knowing that opening her eyes would only result in an even worse head ache. The pounding behind Santana's eyes could only be from one thing. Alcohol. Her and Jack Daniels had a love/hate relationship. He loved to get her drunk just to hate on her in the morning with hangovers from hell. The brunette laid there motionless for a few minutes hoping that the sun's rays that were coming in from the opening in her curtain wouldn't gouge her eyes out from the brightness. She slowly cracked an eye, waited for it to adjust to the light and did the same with the other one.
Santana let out a shaky sigh. Her stomach was turning in on itself and she knew it was only a matter of time before she was on her hands in knees in front of the toilet for the ritual morning dry heaves. Before that could happen though, Santana read the text that unceremoniously had stirred her from sleep at the god awful hour of 10:30 in the morning. It was a text from Puck that just asked was she alive. Why wouldn't I be?
Santana didn't have the energy or brain cells to form a reply so she threw her phone next to her on the bed. The brunette threw the covers off of her but that was totally the wrong move because now she was stumbling ungracefully from her bed and to the en suite bathroom to hurl up whatever the hell it was she had last night. She couldn't remember shit. Once she was done emptying her stomach into the toilet bowl she flushed and proceeded to rinse her mouth of the taste of ass and a faint hint of dish soap. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror she gasped. Right above her eyebrow was a gash adorning what looked like stitches.
"What the fuck happened?" Santana whispered as she ran her fingers across it as an impulse and immediately winced. The girl sighed and pulled the lime green sticky note off the mirror as well. In a chicken scrawl that was no doubt a girl's handwriting, the note read: Thanks for last night. I had a blast ;)
Santana smirked but rolled her eyes as she bawled up the note and threw it in the trash. She wobbly made her into her living room to make sure that whatever had happened last night had left it in tact. It was. Next step was to check her wallet because she always had a knack for losing her I.D. and or debit card on drunken tryst like last night apparently was. Well she wasn't missing either but the eight hundred dollars in cash was a surprise. Once again, Santana was wondering what the hell happened. That's when she treaded back into her room and picked up her phone. No wonder Puck was asking if I was alive.
Santana (1): Alive? Yeah. But tell me why I woke up to $800 dollars in my wallet, 8 stitches and a note on my bathroom mirror that says 'thanks for last night. I had a blast ;)' WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
Santana sent the text and then made her way to the kitchen for a much needed cup of coffee. As the French roast was roaring, Santana's phone buzzed in her hand with another text from puck.
Puck (1): Um how about we meet for breakfast and I try and tell you all I know.
Santana (2): Alright. Meet you at Denny's in 20.
Santana sighed. She didn't really feel like moving at all but her stomach grumbled and she needed something to fill the emptiness. She would rather that something be the likes of fluffy pancakes or waffles with bacon on the side and the fancy black coffee other than the stale shit she had and most likely burnt waffles. Santana turned off the coffee pot, not bothering to empty the canister and took a quick shower. Soon she was leaving her house, already knowing her parents were out, they had some conference in London for two weeks, and making her way to Denny's.
Santana caught sight of the mohawked boy in a back booth, which she was grateful for because heyo less noise to rattle her brain and slid into the seat across from him. He gave her a once over and immediately started laughing. She rolled her eyes at him as she picked up her menu. She was definitely getting waffles. With extra bacon.
"Can you kindly shut the fuck up?" Santana asked as she looked over her menu, the boy's laughter still ringing loudly around the diner. Puck shook his head.
"After the stunts you pulled last night? I think not." Puck replied, humor and amusement coloring his every word.
"About that…I seriously have no recollection whatsoever of the shit that went down last night. I remember getting to your house and having like two shots after that is a blur. Some graduation party of yours Puckerman." Santana said as she closed the menu and put it on the table in front of her. She already knew what she wanted.
"The fact that you can't remember shit because you were so plastered means that it was a successful graduation party Lopez." Puck countered as he closed his menu too, the waitress sidling up to their table. She took their order and went to go help another table, Santana catching a healthy look at her ass as she went.
"Anyways spill. I want to know everything that I can't remember so I can be prepared to face the damage if and when my parents get home. I didn't get arrested did I?" Santana asked and Puck couldn't contain the spills of laughter coming from his mouth.
"Not exactly…" He said to which Santana rolled her eyes.
"What do you mean 'not exactly'? Either I got arrested or I didn't." Santana declared as the waitress came back with their drinks and sat them down in front of them. This time Santana disregarded the way her ass looked in those pants as she walked away to fix Puck with a glare that said he better tell her the whole story or he wasn't leaving this Denny's with his balls in tack. Puck took a sip from his orange juice, readying himself as if he were about to tell a tall tale.
"Ok well here's what I know happened…"
Santana pulled up to Puck's house with Brittany. Both girls could tell already that the place was practically packed with every graduating, and probably non graduating as well as already graduated student of McKinley High School. And if Santana was being honest, she was a little excited to get the nights festivities into order. Brittany bounced up and down in her seat and then turned wide eyed and ecstatic towards Santana.
"San! We graduated! Now we get to party until like the end of summer. I am excited!" Brittany exclaimed and Santana laughed at her enthusiasm.
"I know Britt! Which I haven't said yet but I should have, I'm really proud of you for catching up like you did in time to get to share the experience with me." Santana said with a genuine smile and Brittany threw it back at her.
"Thanks San, but honestly without you, Rachel and Quinn, I wouldn't have been as motivated." Brittany replied. Santana let out a happy sigh.
"Let get this party started!" Santana hooted and both girls got out of Santana's mustang and made their way to the party. They could feel the bass from the music reverberating through the porch as the girls climbed it. As soon as they got in the house Puck was praising their arrival. Santana could already tell that he was buzzed, lightweight, so she just smiled at him and took the cup that he offered, beginning the night off on a good tip. Well what she thought would be a good tip. Because before she knew it she was six shots of Cuervo in and about three mixed drinks already on the back burner. If you told her she wasn't actually flying in the sky with the birds right now, she would yell at you differently.
Santana had found solace in the kitchen with half the glee club as she leaned against the counter, mixed drink number question mark in her hand listening to Mike an Puck ramble on about something she couldn't even comprehend right now. The only thing she could comprehend was just how short Rachel's dress was tonight and how it would look even better on the floor with her standing naked in front of it. Santana rolled her eyes at herself and took another gulp of her drink. Things were getting kind of fuzzy and there was this inexplicable combination of happiness and nostalgia clutching at her chest and she was trying desperately not to become the weepy drunk again. Trying to hold it all in, she totally missed the chunk of time where Rachel moved from one end of the kitchen to standing next to her.
"Hey Santana, you enjoying the party?" Rachel asked and Santana just shook her head because her brain to mouth filter was running on fumes and she didn't want to blurt 'I WANNA RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF WITH MY TEETH' at the small brunette. She also didn't want to burst out crying either. She could feel the sting starting to well up in her eyes. Rachel shook her head as well as she looked around the kitchen awkwardly.
"So did you" The girl was cut off by Sam interrupting the whole group in the kitchen.
"Yo, Puck we're out of ice-" before the blonde boy could even ask Puck if he wanted him to pick up more since he was DD, he trained his attention on Santana. In fact everyone's attention was trained on Santana as she collapsed on the spot, tears overflowing. The brunette was full out sobbing.
"But where will all the polar bears live?!" Santana exclaimed and it was about two seconds before everyone in the kitchen started laughing. Santana was literally crying over the fact that she was too drunk and believed that the world had literally ran out of ice. And that the polar bears were now losing their homes. Rachel knelt down next to the brunette as she steadily cried, rubbing her back and trying to soothe her. She kept telling Santana that Sam was talking about the ice in the refrigerator but Santana wasn't having any of it. She just kept crying and chanting 'what about the polar bears.' It was around that time that Brittany, somewhat drunk and a whole lot bubbly came over. She saw Santana crying on the floor and knelt down next to her, a tiny frown marring her features.
"Oh San, what's wrong? Did you finally tell Rachel you wanted to bang her and she turned you down?" Brittany said like word vomit to which half the people's eyes in the kitchen grew in size; including Rachel's. Santana shook her head but didn't say anything.
"How about we get you some bubbles? Will bubbles make you happy? Bubbles always make me happy!" Brittany exclaimed and Santana stopped crying, plastering a smile on her face. Brittany helped the way beyond drunken girl up and leaned her against the counter as she went to go ask Puck if he had any bubbles. He didn't.
"Sorry San. No bubbles." Brittany told the girl but Santana was still smiling. She could fucking make some bubbles. Just watch her.
"Soap! I need dish soap!" Santana exclaimed as if she were a doctor asking for three ccs of antibiotics stat. Brittany giddily handed Santana the dish soap and the girl wasted no time in chugging half the bottle and then letting out burps to see if she could produce bubbles….
Well she didn't produce any bubbles. Brittany held Santana's hair back while she retched into the toilet bowl. Yeah. Chugging soap was a terrible idea and she would soon learn that. The brunette was crying and puking. It was a shit show. Puck and Rachel looked on from the threshold of the bathroom.
"WHY AM I PUKING SO MUCH! I'm not even that drunk!" Santana cried just before she projectile vomited back into the toilet bowl. Puck couldn't help the guffaws of laughter that were slipping past his lips and Rachel let him know she didn't approve by slapping him in the chest but even the tiny brunette wore an amused smile on her face. The brunette was soon done with emptying her guts into the toilet.
"I think the main reason were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. You came close." Puck replied with a laugh but only received another smack to the arm from Rachel.
"You girls handle this and I'll go get her a drink." Puck said and Rachel's eyes bugged out.
"She does not need any more alcohol Noah." Rachel chastised in that motherly tone of voice to which he rolled his eyes.
"And I don't think you've had enough tiny. Come do a shot with me!" Santana exclaimed, the fact that she had just puked her guts into the toilet having vanished from her mind. Santana didn't give the brunette a choice as she grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards the kitchen. Santana justified more alcohol with the fact that she had just puked most of it up because of the soap. Rachel relented and did two shots with Santana. By then the small girl was feeling really buzzed.
"Come dance with me." Santana husked in Rachel's ear, the drink in her hand teetering precariously towards her dress.
"Santana I don't think-" Santana put her finger to the girls lips to shut her up.
"You know you want to." Santana said as she smirked taking a swig from her drink. Santana held her free hand out to the tiny brunette who could only roll her eyes but accept the invitation. The makeshift dance floor was crowded and the two girls squeezed in with the rest of the heavily drunken teenagers. It was a blur of hands all over each other and bodies pressed tightly together. Both girls were teetering on the edge of giving in to the other at the will of the music blasting through the speaker. Rachel leaned in close, so close that she could feel the other girl's breath whisper against her lips. Santana went to lean the rest of the way into the kiss; this was her chance, when all of a sudden…
"COPS!" The music came to a thrashing halt and people were scattering like ant hills being sprayed with repellent. Santana gave the brunette a shaky smile before Puck was pulling both of them away and out the back door. Santana was slightly confused seeing as this was HIS house but she couldn't actually think too hard about that. There were flashing cop lights and all three of them, either buzzed or drunk, were stumbling and laughing towards their escape. All three of them made it to the front yard and wasted no time in getting in Sam's getaway car. He was Mike's DD for the night. They piled into the car before the boy took off.
"Puck isn't that your house?" Rachel asked with a giggle and Puck let out a chuckle and shrugged.
"Yeah but they can't cite me if I aint there." Puck countered and everyone in the car laughed. Well that was until they breezed through the next light and the loud WHOOP WHOOP of a police car was pulling them over.
"Everyone just be cool alright. Be. Cool." Sam said as he put his hands on the wheel. The cop was walking up to the car.
"Cool schmool. I know my rights. I haven't done anything wrong." Santana piped up and everyone groaned because they knew she was going to cause trouble. Mike shushed Santana's broken Spanish ramblings as the cop tapped on Sam's window. The blonde rolled it down and gave the police officer that guppy lipped smile of his.
"Is there something wrong officer?" Sam asked innocently as the officer shined his flashlight in the boy's face.
"You were going a little fast back there kid. You in a rush to get somewhere?" The officer asked and Sam shook his head as the officer flashed his light at Mike in the passenger.
"Oh I didn't realize. Sorry about that." Sam replied, playing up the innocent-I-haven't- just-been-underage-drinking-tonight card.
"Have you had anything to drink tonight Mr.…?" The cop trailed off waiting for Sam to give him his name.
"Evans. Sam Evans. And no I haven't sir." The blonde replied. He would be the only one. The officer then shined his light in the back seat.
"Jesus will you put that fucking sun machine out?" Santana asked harshly as she covered her eyes, her words more than a little slurred at the moment. It was then that everyone internally groaned. They were all going to go to jail because of Santana Lopez. Puck whispered a harsh 'keep your mouth shut Lopez!' as the cop looked back to Sam.
"Has your friend?" the officer asked Sam pointing the light back at Santana who basically growled and the boy was silent, the look of guilt on his face not hard to miss.
"Hello Samantha, officer douche bag with the ball of sun asked you a question. It's rude not to answer." Santana stated in the silence and Puck growled while Rachel silently prayed in the corner in broken Hebrew. Or at least that's what it sounded like to Santana's ears.
"Ma'am I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the car." The officer asked and Santana rolled her eyes as she scoffed. God she hated bacon patrol.
"What for, might I ask officer bacon?" Santana asked innocently to which she received a sharp blow to her ribs by Pucks elbow. She smacked him in his head.
"Ma'am stop that and step out of the car before I am forced to take further measures." The officer barked and while everyone else who was in the car had their breaths hitch from fear, Santana just rolled her eyes and go out of the car. She was a pro at this. No cop compared to the wrath of her parents if they caught her shit faced. Mike, Sam, Puck and Rachel all watched Santana interacting with the officer, even taking the breathalyzer, before she got back into the car. The officer came back over to Sam's window.
"I'm gonna let you go with a warning kid. Slow down and watch your speed." The officer said before he went back to his car a pulled off. Everyone turned and looked at Santana bewildered.
"How the HELL did you get out of that?" Sam asked and Santana simply smirked.
"I made the cop pinky promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer." Sam rolled his eyes at her.
"You could have gotten us all thrown in jail!" Puck yelled bumping her shoulder to which she laughed.
"Well I didn't did I?" Santana asked as she pulled the flask from his pocket and took a guzzle. Everyone just rolled their eyes.
"What now?" Sam asked getting the feeling that none of them wanted to go home.
"Strip club?" Puck suggested wiggling his eyebrows.
"Strip club." Everyone said in unison with a firm nod of their head. Even Rachel.
Santana was currently throwing singles at a stripper in front of her while Puck was practically motor boating a blonde one next to her. Sam had his shirt off and was twirling it around his head as a cute brunette dancer gave him a lap dance and Mike looked like he was creating choreography in the corner with another. The night was going places. Santana yelled for another round of shots, which were brought to her by a more than busty red head and she had to focus real hard on not sticking her face in the girl's cleavage. The group gathered around and all took their respective shots, except for Sam, hooting and hollering about 'throwing money in the air and making it rain on dem bitches.'
Santana didn't see Rachel anywhere in sight but she figured the girl was off having a little fun of her own. Santana ordered another round of shots as Mike, Puck, Sam were all enjoying their respective lap dances. The one Santana had reminded her of Ke$ha. She had glitter everywhere. As the girl was grinding her assets all over Santana, the brunette saw another stripper bending over to pick up her ones across the way. Her ass was massive but boy could she see EVERYTHING. It's like it was in 3D.
"I can see your soul from over here!" Santana yelled at her and the four of them broke out in laughter as the stripper who bent over flipped them off. It was then that a big burly guy came over to them.
"Okay I'm cutting you off. I don't need you making any more trouble." The guy said to Santana as he stuck the X's of doom on the back of her hands.
"Hey! No fair!" The brunette whined as the guy went to grab the tray with the new round of shots on them.
"Those are mine!" The girl yelled as she grabbed at his hand but he snatched up the tray before she could gently remove the stripper from her lap and fight the guy for them.
"I challenge you to a duel for those shots sir!" Santana yelled and the guy didn't even pay her any attention. She didn't have a glove to properly slap him with the initiate the duel so she just used her shoe. She pulled it off and chucked it at the guy. It pinged off his back and before the group could even comprehend what had happened, they were all being escorted out. And not kindly.
"Jesus Santana! What the hell is the matter with you?!" Puck yelled as they loitered in the parking lot of the club.
"What?! He took my shots. He had to pay some way." Santana replied as if it were the only logical punishment in this situation.
"Hey where's Rachel?" Sam asked because she wasn't with them in the parking lot.
"Probably still inside like any sane person and getting a lap dance." Puck grumbled as he glared at Santana and she stuck her tongue out at him. Mike then texted her that they were in the parking lot because they got kicked out. He didn't even need to explain that it was because of Santana. They waited around for a few minutes but there was still no sign of the tiny brunette.
"Ok, I'm going in there and getting her." Santana declared before she started a stride over towards the back door to the club. Just as she was about to pull it open it came swinging open full force and caught the brunette in the face. The girl could feel how the handle had left a gash just above her eyebrow.
"JESUS FUCKING HELL BALLS!" Santana yelled as she cupped her hand over the spot that had been swiped.
"Oh my god Santana! I'm so sorry! I didn't even see you there!" Rachel exclaimed as she rushed over to the brunette that was now sitting on her ass in the parking lot. Mike, Puck and Sam all came over to see the damage that was done.
"Move your hand so we can see how bad it is." Sam told the girl and Santana moved her hand. They all winced at the sight.
"She's gonna need stitches for that." Mike said as he stood from his kneeling position in front of Santana. The brunette pulled Puck's flask from her jacket pocket and gulped down the continents to kill the pain.
"Way to go she-hulk. Do always just go around busting doors open like that?" Santana grumbled as Sam helped her to her feet. The blood from the gash was starting to become sticky on her hands. '
"I'm sorry!" Rachel exclaimed, looking like someone had just kicked her puppy.
"Looks like the next stop is the ER." Sam sighed as they all piled into the car.
"YOU ARE NO HOUSE!" That's the only words that were coming from the brunette's mouth as the ER doctor tried his hardest to stitch Santana up. It was probably the alcohol and the mild concussion she had going on that was making her act out this way.
"Santana will you stop being so difficult." Rachel chastised as the brunette squirmed around and tried to push at the doctors hands. She didn't even acknowledge that Rachel had said two words to her. She just kept yelling that the doctor was no house. Rachel tried not to laugh but it was proving to be difficult. Soon the doctor was finished stitching Santana up and they were well on their way out of the hospital.
"I think I was a champ in there all things considered." Santana piped up and Rachel looked at her incredulously.
"You just kept screaming 'You are no House!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head." Rachel replied shaking her head.
"That was far from a champ Santana." Rachel concluded as they reached Sam's car and piled into the back of it. He wasted no time in starting it up. It was already four in the morning and his parents were going to murder him. Santana laid her head on Rachel's shoulder and closed her eyes. Rachel jostled her awake.
"Santana you can't sleep. Wake up." Rachel replied and the brunette whined about wanting sleep time before Sam zoomed out of the hospital parking lot.
"I want goldfish. Can I have goldfish? Will you go get me goldfish?" Santana asked as Rachel played with the key in the lock all the while trying to keep the brunette balanced against her.
"No Santana." Rachel said sternly as the lock finally gave way and she pushed the door open with her foot. Santana mumbled something about her being a mean forest nymph. Rachel turned on the lamp in the living room and made her way to the girl's room as she was starting to become dead weight. Once Rachel made it up the stairs and into Santana's room, the two of them collapsed on the bed. Rachel had naïvely volunteered to be the one to take care of Santana tonight. Rachel made her way back down stairs to lock the door and turn out the lights before she was back in Santana's room, closing the door as well. Rachel saw that the girl was cuddled up into her blanket and she went over to shake her.
"Santana wake up. You can't sleep. You have a concussion and if I let you sleep you could die." Rachel stated matter of factly to which Santana groaned.
"Are you always so dramatic? I'm not gonna die." Santana replied as she rolled over to look at the tiny brunette. The girls was all disheveled hair and cute face and that want from earlier in the night was coming back to hit Santana square between the thighs.
"Just don't go to sleep." Rachel said with a sigh as she sat on the edge of the brunette's bed. Santana remembered how they had almost kissed before the cops busted up the party so Santana scooted closer to the girl, personal space closer, and whispered.
"Why don't you come keep me awake then?" The words ghosted against Rachel's lips hotly and she swallowed.
"Santana…" Rachel didn't have any room to say any more because Santana's lips were swallowing up the words as she kissed the tiny brunette hard. It was all teeth and tongues and hands. Soon Santana was rolling on top of the girl and discarding their clothes. Yeah Rachel would definitely help keep her awake.
"So yeah that's pretty much the gist of it." Puck said as he scrapped the last of his pancakes through the syrup on his plate. Santana was at a loss for words. She had never gotten so hounded that she couldn't remember any of what happened the next day. It was like Puck was telling her a whole situation that she hadn't been involved in at all because that's how little she remembered. Santana got a flashback from that night of being on top of Rachel and the cop but that's because her memory was jogged by Puck.
"It was a killer night Santana. Wish you could have been there." Puck said with a laugh and Santana threw a piece of hash brown at him but smiled despite herself.
"Did Britt make it home safely?" Santana asked realizing that she didn't check sooner.
"Yup Quinn got her back in one piece. Sent a text this morning saying as much." Puck replied and Santana nodded her head somewhat relieved. The fact that she still couldn't remember much was still a worry.
"Ok so if that's all that happened where the hell did that $800 dollars that magically appeared in my wallet come from?" Santana asked as she drank the last of her coffee.
"That I can't tell you Lopez." Puck replied before waving the waiter over for the check. Santana sat there for a moment while Puck paid for their breakfast desperately trying to remember but she couldn't.
"I need to stop drinking." Santana replied as she left a few bills on the table as a tip to their waitress.
"Where's the fun in that?" Puck asked taking one of the complimentary mints they give you.
"The fun is I get to keep my whole memory." Santana deadpanned as the waitress came back with Pucks card.
"It was a good night Santana and this is just the start. This summer is gonna be repeats of last night." Puck said and Santana laughed.
"Hopefully with less head damage." Santana declared. Puck then plucked up his near empty glass of orange juice and signaled for Santana to do the same.
"To the summer in which we damage our livers and shave off years of our lives to our best friends Jose, Jack and Jimmy." Puck declared and while Santana had a real urge to shove him and tell him to get a life, she clinked her glass with his.
"To liver damage." Santana replied and they drank the last of their juice before sliding out of the booth and heading to the parking lot.
"You got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'." Puck recounted and Santana just shoved him.
"Shut the fuck up dude." Santana wouldn't admit to Puck but she was definitely looking forward to more of those nights. But definitely with less head damage.