Én vagyok az aki nem jó…
She gazed the glass in her hand with her lifeless green eyes, humming an old song slowly to herself and trying not to consider the fact that there were others in the inn as well.
How could she hate herself in these times. Weak, broken, useless. She. The great warrior, the manliest nation of all, the smiling queen of swords. And look at her now. She's sitting in an inn drinking alone just to feel better and worse at the same time, singing some lame folk-like-song self-loathed.
Yes that was the case. Hungary hated herself, more than anyone else. Why, you ask. For almost everything.
First she had to be a girl, in a middle of a jungle full of men. Even if she was manly, that didn't count, just made everything worse. She was a freak, a strange human-shaped thing what was only good for fighting and drinking. Or making jokes about her. She tried really hard but couldn't get use to it. She was always different than the others, from the very start of history.
Then there's her history. She doesn't even know who she is! Don't know her parents, where she came from, does she have any living relative. Maybe she had some connection with the Asians, and certainly had history with the Germans or the Slavic nations, even with the Romans, but where did she belong? Did she even have a family? Does she even have a family? Now that she's falling apart, living in the world a little here, a few there… And less and less in her original home. Maybe she will disappear as Prussia did. Or the Aztecs. Or God knows who.
But maybe it would be better. Disappear finally as they asked for it, the whole word watching eagerly if she will survive or finally give up and die. She knew they hated her. Everybody did, and do right now as well as in the past. It's just an unwritten law of the world. Nobody likes Hungarians for who they are, for what they done, for what they hope and speak. And it's likely to stay in this way.
And maybe they are right. She can only be hated. She must be some kind of monster left here from the mythical ages. Maybe she's a dragon what has to be slayed down. Maybe she is an evil witch as some of them say. Maybe she should give up…
Give up? What? Is this a life? Sitting in your room arguing with all your pretentious minority all day. If you go out for a little, half of the world think you are some gypsy from the street, you can't even visit your children 'cause they live abroad! Abroad! Akurvéletbe they, who are Hungarians in every inch live abroad because some idiot peace treaty! And again why? 'Cause their mother – who can only be a bitch- is a mutherfucking war criminal!
And then?! What if she is?! Everybody in this bloody planet done some things they aren't proud of! Why it has to be her then who suffers from those after centuries?! Why? Nobody likes to suffer…
Maybe she deserves it. Maybe she is the only one in this whole beautiful planet full of jerks who merits her punishment. Some call it karma, some destiny, some the will of God… Then she deserves it. If God wants her to suffer, so shall it be. She surrenders below God's will.
So she has to continue this… She will suffer and survive… Even if she doesn't want to. So why showing the pain on the face? Why telling this damn world that it hurts?
Come on Erzsi smile! Smile for these brats, for these beautiful murderers. This is not the end, oh please it's far more away from us… Mosolyogj te barom….
She sniffed and wiped her eyes. She won't cry… Not in front of people. Exspecialy these people. Looking around she saw some familiar face and some total stranger. Some of them were watching her as a beast in the circus, some had turned away as she wasn't even there.
A wide smile appeared on her face and she started to hum again.
Bolond volnék ha búsúlnék…
She got up and went to the bar counter smiling mischievously to the bartender. The she turned around with a sudden move and shouted cheerfully
- The next round is on me! I pay a pint of beer for everyone!
The answer was loud cheers and some happy thank you. Someone even hugged her. Hungary stood there smiling and laughing as if nothing bad ever happened.
Out side the inn some of her neighbor stood listening to the loud clamor coming from the building.
Sorry, I have no idea how would the others react to this, but if you have something in your mind please tell me. :)
And the title is a Hungarian song, means – I'm the one who is not good…
I will not translate the cursing, if you don't mind ^^"