Welcome to a series of text conversations between Sherlock and John, written in collaboration between MapleleafCameo and myself. Now, if you haven't already read the brilliant MapleleafCameo's writing then hurry over and read it now...but don't forget to come back and read this afterwards.
Disclaimer: Neither writer owns these guys - that honour belongs to ACD, Moffat and Gatiss.

xXx

'Sherlock! How many times do I have to tell you not to use the kettle for your experiments? What is that awful gunge that's bubbling out of the spout? – JW

Really John. You are over reacting as usual. First of all the kettle is the only proper receptacle to house this experiment and secondly I take exception to the use of the word 'gunge'. The proper term is slime mould. SH

'Of course it is – how could I not know that? Tell me, genius , when you finally get home from wherever it is you're hiding this time, how am I expected to make you tea? Our kettle is filled with foul smelling, frothy slime mould? – JW'

Once again your language is imprecise. I am not 'hiding'. I am on the trail of a nefarious villain. One who has hounded me incessantly and dog'smy every steps. I am in the process of trying to ascertain what he is up to. And as for making tea, I am sure you will work your usual John magic and provide me with a steaming cup upon my arrival. In other words, improvise.Or if you can't improvise the tea, perhaps you can improvise something else? SH

'Come off it Sherlock. Last I heard you were dashing out to berate Lestrade about some perceived slight – just because he solved a case without you. Oh, and I'm throwing the kettle out. Now. – JW'

What? No! John! It's taken me ages to procure that particular specimen and even longer to develop it to this stage! You will ruin a month's worth of work. SH

And it's not Lestrade. I've already berated him, told him his conclusions were ludicrous and solved the case for him. Think more corpulent and far more dangerous than Lestrade.- SH

'So, what has the British Government done to upset you this time – taken your teddy? Honestly, the pair of you are so full of yourselves. You – with your turned up collar and your cheekbones, trying to be mysterious and him – with his suits, and umbrella and cream cakes. – JW'

'Kettle's out by Mrs Hudson's bins- JW'

….

'Don't ...me! - JW'

'And don't smirk! I can here you from here - JW'

I am trying to come up with an appropriate response to you 'binning' my experiment. Perhaps one of your dull jumpers needs to take a walk beside the Thames. You realize there are members of The Homeless Network who wouldn't be caught in one of them. I thought you liked my cheekbones? SH

Mycroft is up to something. He purchased a new suit and procured a new umbrella. Good Lord!

'What? What's happened?' – JW

He's on a date! Oh that is not pleasant. SH

'Sherlock! What have you done now? John's fainted!

'Oh, by the way – its Mrs Hudson'

'I haven't done anything. Mrs Hudson. It must be the shock of my fat brother going on a date. Either that or he dislikes the idea of me giving his jumpers to the homeless.' Thought he was made of sterner stuff. SH

'Oh dear! He's waking up, but he does look very pale'

'It's Mrs Hudson again by the way'

'I didn't faint – I tripped. Who's his date, Anthea? Anyway I thought you liked my jumpers- JW'

Don't be ridiculous John. On both counts. SH

'Ouch. Who then? – JW'

The Ambassador from Japan - SH

'? – JW'

'Why don't you like my jumpers? - JW'

You are obsessed with your jumpers! This is far more vile than your jumpers. Focus John. My brother, the great whale, is DATING! SH

I don't entirely dislike the oatmeal one. SH

'And of course you're not obsessed with your brother's mating rituals? – JW'

'Wait – did I really say that? I think I'm going to be sick! – JW'

I am not…obsessed. I find the whole idea preposterous. He, after all, was the one who told me that caring is not an advantage. Therefor why is he dating? And why the Japanese Ambassador? Is there something more to this? I must find out. SH

'Maybe he doesn't care. Could be a quick shag – or a long shag. I've heard the Japanese can be quite hot… - JW'

And now I am going to be ill from thethought of Mycroft shagging anyone. SH

'Come home. I'm a doctor, I could look after you ^_^ - JW'

And how precisely are you going to accomplish that my good doctor? SH

'We'll start with aromatherapy. I'm oiling my gun right now ^_^ – JW'

You aren't going to light any candles this time are you? That was rather disastrous. SH

'No – God no! I was thinking Sandalwood oil massage – JW'

I believe you are offering me a much better way to spend the evening than following my brother and his …date. I think you will have to work extra hard in order to remove those images from my mind. I'm on my way. SH

'Hurry – the chill evening air has brought me out in goose bumps…..all over – JW'