"I hope you like this, Dr. Reid. Ms. Garcia mentioned how much you like Doctor Who, and when I heard that, I had to give this to you. Merry Christmas." Erin held out the slim package to him, hoping he would take it quickly so that she could escape all the prying eyes of the bullpen.
Instead, he got up from his chair to rest against the side of his cubicle, gesturing for her to sit down. Hesitantly, she did so, conscious of Alex's eyes boring into her back. She did not want a confrontation today of all days, not with the cravings being so bad. "Thank you." She looked up at Dr. Reid and saw he hadn't opened the gift yet. "You didn't have to get me anything."
She smiled, still feeling nervous around him. "I sort of did, Dr. Reid."
"Spencer, please."
She nodded. "You were the one who gave me my year medallion, I figured this was the least I could do. From one who understands." She bit her lip as she realized she was close to tears and he smiled sweetly at her.
Sliding his thumbnail beneath the tape that held the paper closed, he quickly broke all the seals, setting the paper aside. Then he opened the box and pulled out the scarf. "You made this, didn't you?"
She shrugged as she stood up, feeling like she had to escape. Things had become much to stifling and she needed to get out. Turning on her heel, she made a beeline for the doors, scurrying back to her office, despite hearing him call after her. Once she was safely behind the doors of her inner sanctum, she gave in to the tears, letting herself cry. It had been so foolish to open herself up like that, to think that he might enjoy something so trivial.
A part of Erin's brain knew that she was being irrational, that she would never get so maudlin back in the old days. That was the same part that insidiously whispered that she could handle one drink or two on the nights when things were rough, and she tried not to listen as she took a seat on her sofa and breathed in deeply, trying to get control back.
Erin never heard her office door opening, but she felt the sofa dip with the weight of someone sitting there. "Why did you run away?"
She looked up into Spencer's face and pursed her lips as she shrugged once more. "I don't know."
"Yes, you do. Were you afraid I'd laugh at your gift?"
"Maybe."
"Well, I wouldn't have, and I didn't. Maeve says that I'm too awkward at times, like she is, which is why it may have sounded like I didn't appreciate your gift for what it was. That's what you do to stave off the cravings, isn't it?" She nodded. "I translate books into other languages, it helps keep them at bay. Please, let me take you to lunch."
"I'd like that." She sighed as he reached out and wiped away her tears. "I know you aren't a religious man, but Christmas means so much to me." Her tears began to fall harder and then he was bundling her up in a tight hug, rubbing her back as she sobbed.
"Shh, Erin. Everything is going to be all right, I promise." She tried to believe him, tried to nod against his shoulder, but she knew it wasn't true. Everything would not be fine, she had made too big a mess of her life for that to ever be true again. Not even Dave had been willing to stand by her, she had sniped at him too much, not trusted him enough, and then he was gone.
"I want to believe that," she whispered and his arms tightened around her waist, holding her close. "Oh, dear Lord, how I want that to be true."
He pulled away from her slightly and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, causing her to still and look at him. "Mom used to do that every time I got so worked up. Provoked the same reaction in me and everything. Do you need to go to a meeting?" She shook her head slowly. "Then what will make you feel better?"
"Hearing someone, anyone, tell me that I am worthy of love and respect and mean it. Finding someone who will be my friend and not want to stab me in the back. Finding someone to fall in love with and stay with them until the end. But those are all pipe dreams. No one is going to love me, I'm too fucked up."
He kissed her forehead once more and a soft whisper ran through her mind, telling her that there was always a chance for redemption, for love. "That's not true, that is your cravings telling you lies so that you'll fall back into the addiction. I had to learn to block them out, too."
"I don't go to meetings, you know," she blurted out suddenly and he cocked his head as he reached out to take her hand in his. "I tried to go, honestly, but it did nothing for me. Alan had already left, my children are busy with their own lives and barely have time to talk to me, and then these people are talking about the reconciliations they made with their loved ones and I just felt so left out. There's no one in my life, and I'm the reason for that."
"What about your friends from church? I'm assuming you go, since you said Christmas means a lot to you. Haven't you reached out to them, asked them to help fill that void?"
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to admit to a failing like mine in church?"
His brow furrowed. "I thought that was the point of Christianity – that everyone is broken in some way and you need to support them in their journey."
She laughed a little, the sound bitter to her own ears. "Oh, that is what it would be in a perfect world. However, in the human world? Not so much. We judge people based on the stupidest little things, and I do not want to be known as the church drunk."
"I don't think I've heard anything sadder, Erin."
"It's why I don't make friends at church. I go, listen to the sermon, sing the hymns, and duck out the back door before anyone can stop me. It's easy to lose one's self in the crowd if you try." He brought her hand up to his face and she spread her fingers out on his cheek, needing the contact. "I had thought that maybe I could find a friend in Ms. Garcia, she seems to be the least judgmental of you lot. But I don't think Agent Morgan would approve."
She watched him frown. "You shouldn't care about what he thinks. If you want a friendship with her, she won't turn you away. She loves on everyone equally." He leaned in to rest his forehead against hers. "Come on, we're going to take her to lunch, and make you a new friend." He pulled back and wiped the rest of her tears away, taking care to remove the smudges of mascara on her cheeks.
"Thank you."
"You know I would do anything for you, Erin. We're both survivors. And you cared enough to make sure I stayed with the BAU. I think some of the others have forgotten how to profile the people closest to us, preferring to see only our preconceived notions." Spencer helped her to her feet and then held her close to his heart for a beat. "Are you ready?"
"I think so. Do I look all right? I'll bet my eyes are bloodshot, aren't they? Oh, god, Alex will know I've been crying. She'll never let this go."
"Don't worry about Blake, she doesn't matter in the long run. All that matters is you getting better. Push her from your mind."
Erin nodded and brushed her skirt, smoothing out invisible wrinkles. "All right, let's go before I lose my nerve." He nodded and led her from the room. Meekly, she followed him back into the bullpen, smiling a little as he stopped by his desk to pick up her scarf and wrap it around his neck. "Is it the right length?" she asked as they began to climb the steps.
"Perfect. I love them long like this." He grinned at her and she relaxed a little as he knocked on Ms. Garcia's door. "Hey Garcia, we're heading out to lunch."
She peeked her head over at the doorway, raising an eyebrow when she saw Erin. Unconsciously, she shrank back into Spencer, watching as the woman looked at her sadly before pushing away from her desk. "Where are you taking us, my sweet genius?"
"I thought I'd let Erin pick the place." His hand came to rest on her back and she smiled a little at the gesture.
"There's this wonderful little café that I love going to," she murmured as they made their way to the elevators. Before the doors closed, she saw Blake frowning at them, Dave by her side. Throwing caution to the wind, she smiled kindly at them, waving a little as Spencer rested his arm around her waist. "This is going to be a good afternoon."
"Good? This afternoon is going to be amazing, Blondie." Erin chanced a look at Penelope and saw a sweet smile on the woman's face. "So, how's your holiday season going so far? Mine has been amazing. I have finally declared myself over men and am focusing on me for a change. Oh, and I love the pattern you used on Reid's scarf. It turned out amazing!"
"How did that even come up, Garcia?"
"We met at the local yarn store one Saturday. I was picking up baby yarn for the blankets I make for the hospital and we just bumped into each other. A little advice later, we parted ways. And you have yet to answer my question, Erin."
"It's going." She wished she had a better answer for the woman, the happy answer, but she had declared herself over lying to others about her feelings. It was part of the reason she had been in the mess she had created of her life.
"No word from Rossi, then?" Erin shook her head. "He doesn't realize yet what he's given up. When he does, he'll kick himself."
"I highly doubt that. I was the one that pushed him away, after all. I shouldn't have been so mean." Again, she felt herself choke up and Spencer's hand rubbed her back softly, trying to soothe her.
"And maybe he should have been willing to be the one who gave a little extra in the relationship, until you got your feet under you once more." The doors of the elevator opened and they stepped out in the parking garage. Penelope came up to her side and clasped her hand tightly. "Maybe he should have seen the silver beneath the grime."
Erin nodded as she took a deep breath. "Thank you for trying to make me feel better."
"Well, it's the truth. Every one of us is deserving of love and respect, and if he couldn't get his head out of his ass long enough to see how much you were hurting and desperately needed support, then he is an idiot."
The hot tears were rolling down her cheeks once more and Penelope squeezed her hand. "Maybe so." Spencer led them over to his car and she got in the back, figuring Penelope would sit in the passenger seat next to her friend. Instead, the woman joined her in the back, never losing her bright smile. "So, the café is on the corner of 5th and Stevens."
"I know right where that is." He took off and a comfortable silence fell over the car as Erin stared out the window, watching the scenery pass by. The parking lot was quite full by the time they arrived and while Spencer parked, she and Penelope went in and put their name in. "So, how long is the wait?" he asked as he joined them.
"Only about fifteen minutes," Erin replied, "which isn't bad for all the people that are here."
"No, it's not." Penelope stepped closer to Erin, grabbing hold of her hand once more as the crush of people pushed them together. Erin smiled a little at the woman, feeling truly comfortable in her presence, something she hadn't felt since the first few years of her marriage to Alan.
"Strauss, party of three?" a loud voice called out not ten minutes later, and they were shown to a booth. Penelope chose to sit next to Erin, and for some strange reason, she relished the feel of their knees knocking together. It didn't long for them to decide on what they wanted and put their order in with the waitress.
"So, Christmas is next week, and we have that whole glorious time between Christmas Eve and New Year's off this year. What are your plans?" Penelope asked as she sipped from a mug of hot chocolate.
Erin sighed as "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" began to play over the radio. She hated this song, even more so now, and she had no good answer for the woman. "It's going to be a quiet week for me. The kids are going to spend it with Alan and his new wife this year, though they might stop over sometime. I sent their gifts on ahead to his house, so they need to, though."
Penelope slipped her hand off the table to cover her knee, squeezing lightly. "That settles it, then. You are not going to be alone on Christmas, it just isn't right. Reid, when we're done here, you need to run us by my apartment."
"Why?" they both asked at the same time. Erin giggled a little, blushing as she met Spencer's eye.
"Because I am going to put together a holiday fun bag for Erin and myself. And I am going to make this an awesome Christmas for us both." Penelope turned to look at Erin and she quickly drank some of her coffee so she wouldn't have to say anything in response. "I mean, that will be okay, right, Erin?"
She swallowed her mouthful and looked into Penelope's dark brown eyes. "I suppose that would be fine." The woman gave her an inscrutable smile and Erin wrinkled her brow a little, confused by the feelings that were stirring in her chest.
"Wonderful. I just want you to have a few happy, golden, days this Christmas week. Everyone deserves that." Their food came in that moment and popped the bubble that had begun to form around them. "Are you and Maeve doing anything special for the holiday?"
"A Doctor Who Christmas special marathon. And then we'll play it by ear." They dug in and soon were finished with the meal. Spencer seemed eager to linger over coffee and Erin was fine with that, feeling contentment wash over her the longer she was in their presence. "So, Erin, is there anything in particular that you want for Christmas?"
She looked down at the table. "There's this snow globe at San Francisco Music Box Company that I've had my eye on. It's not something I'd buy for myself, but I wouldn't say no to it as a gift, you know? Not that it matters, since I know I'll be getting nothing like that from my kids. Another pipe dream."
She looked up in time to see the look that Spencer and Penelope exchanged and felt her heart clench painfully. "Christmas has its promises to keep," Penelope whispered as she rubbed her arm softly. Erin nodded and sipped at her coffee, trying so hard not to break down and cry again. "Well, let's get going. Leave a good tip for the waitress, Reid."
He nodded as Penelope slipped out of the booth and held out her hand to Erin. Hesitantly, she clasped it and let the woman lead her from the restaurant and over to the car. They stopped and Penelope turned her so that they were facing each other. "What?"
"I have to do this. Don't break eye contact with me," she said as she placed her hands on either side of her face and stared into Erin's eyes. Within moments, Erin felt her eyes fill with tears and she let them slip down her face, not looking away from the woman. "You are loved more than you think you are. You are worth more than you think you are. And you are stronger, far stronger, than you believe yourself to be."
Slowly, she nodded and then closed her eyes, unable to keep such intimate contact with her any longer. Soft lips pressed gently against her cheek and she opened her eyes so that she could once more look on a friend's face. "I told Spencer that I wanted a friend for Christmas. He seemed to think that would be you," she said lowly as they got in the car, Spencer finally joining them.
"He's right. I never liked how shabbily Rossi treated you. But I didn't know if my overtures would be accepted. It's not like we've treated you well in the past." Erin nodded and Spencer drove off into the bright afternoon sunshine. Sighing, she scooted closer to Penelope, feeling like maybe, finally, her happy, golden, days were upon her at last.