Donna Nobis Pacem
Author's Notes: This particular "masterpiece" of mine was written while I was in a remarkably annoyed mood. You get one guess as to what was the reason. This is the result. While I do not mean to offend Mary Sues in any way (a very innocent look) I remain what I had always been at heart - an absolute perfectionist and purist where the Master's stories are concerned. I hope this story is up to some of your standards. I am putting myself in your hands :)
In a time when Elves strolled about and Men strolled in the other direction and the Hobbits strolled everywhere in-between, there was a hauntingly beautiful woman. Actually she wasn't really a woman, she was part Elf, part Faerie, part dragon and part turtle. However, because she was adored by the gods (or the Valar, depended on who you asked), she had only the best qualities from her numerous...errr...backgrounds and none of the bad ones. This divine being's name was Deara.
Deara lived happily in a forest, where all the animals, even the very vicious ones were her best friends. They came when she whistled "My Heart Will Go On" and sat on their hind legs, forgetting they had any pride whatsoever, watching Deara beautifully float about and sing in her throaty voice. It goes without saying that she floated and sang remarkably well. So well, in fact, that some sentimental animals wept and thought about that particularly fine weaker animal they'd eatern earlier that day.
As it was already mentioned, though perhaps not sufficiently dwelt upon, Deara was heartstoppingly beautiful. She was so beautiful that whoever saw her stopped and stared. Whether it was in disbelief or a fool's happiness one did not know. But stare they did...and stare...and then stare some more. Her golden mahogany eyes with abnormally long lashes and tousled brown sugar hair that flowed like an endless river brought rounds hordes of ardent admirers - this time of the Homo Sapien variety. They did not differ that much from their more animal brotherhood for the former were also quite content with sitting on their hind legs and watching her float about, letting her special fragrant lavender scent envelope them, promising lots of joys and delights but never actually pulling through.
She had several propositions of hand and heart, quite a few offers of bigamy and loads of requests to become a surrogate mother. Nevertheless, Deara sweetly declined every offer. She was determined to remain a virgin until Elf (or Man. She had absolutely nothing against Hobbits but sadly, they were just a bit too short) Charming would come along and sweep her off her dainty feet, providing earth-shaking orgasms, love to end all loves and lots and lots of chocolate.
So far Deara hasn't met that particular Elf (or Man) but she continued to wait for him, putting on her trademark pout, which she did charmingly and practicing the incredible ability of walking on her ears. Of course the suitors were not put off that easily. In fact some of them were quite insistent but they never really forced her to change her mind. Deara was going to remain faithful - physically and spiritually - to this Elf (or Man), who may or may not come along...someday...maybe...
It goes without saying that being so blessed, she would also have a special ability. Deara could make people fall in love. No, not with her, though she did that remarkably well also, but with each other. Hence, she decided to be useful and help everyone find love, even if she could not find it herself. Deara was not one for procrastinating and immediately set out on her mission. She travelled all over that lovely land on the back of her sabretoothed tager with icy blue eyes, spreading joy and lavender whenever she went.
Elf (or Man) Charming was still nowhere to be found and Deara began to lose hope. Her lashes drooped becomingly and she shed The One Tear that slid down her satiny cheek and turned into a diamond, which proceeded to plop into her lap.
"When shall I find someone," she murmured in her dulcet tones. "Where on earth could Elf (or perhaps Man) Charming be?"
She heard a snort behind her and spun around, her hair dancing madly. The tiger, whom she called Sugarbeam growled but that didn't seem to intimidate the owner of the snort.
"How dare you make such an obscene sound at my misery," murmured Deara, practically perfect in every way as usual. The weather, which seemed to be in tune with her emotions decided to show this rude stranger how things were done in that lovely land of theirs. Clouds beginning to gather above Deara's head as she became more and more upset. Lightning flashed and rain began making itself known. Deara remained dry while the snorting stranger calmly opened something resembling a mushroom, which kept her dry as well.
Deara gasped. Whoever this stranger was she was clearly a sorceress of great power. She certainly wasn't beautiful enough to be a sorceress. She had long hair but not as long as Deara's and it was not a stunning colour, merely a light brown. She didn't have beautiful eyes that seemed to look right through you but perfectly normal brown ones. Now this She strolled over to Deara and with another charming and a profound snort, whispered something in Deara's ear. The latter gasped and suddenly there was a pop. The beautiful Elf/Faerie/dragon/turtle hybrid was gone and in her place there was a little soap bubble that floated beautifully. The sorceress gazed at the bubble with some sadness and then popped it. Sugarbeam emitted something between a meow and a "Help me, someone!" and backtracked over to some particularly big bushes.
The sorceress continued to hold the magical mushroom-like object over her head even though it had stopped raining. She looked very thoughtful but then, shaking her head, twirled the mushroom three times. She disappeared as suddenly as she had appeared...