A/N: I was randomly inspired to write this. Warnings for poofy!Sirius and James and angry!Lily. Whether our Marauders are actually poofs is for you to decide…

Disclaimer: It wouldn't be fan fiction if I owned it.

oOoOo

"Remus, I love you!" Lily yelled into the phone.

"I…er…love you too, Lily," Remus replied awkwardly.

"I love you so much! You are the most dashingly handsome werewolf I have ever met. You are sweet, smart, kind, loving, perfect, intelligent, wonderful…"

"Lily, you are aware that you are married to one of my best friends, right?" Remus asked, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat down.

"I'm not married to one of your best friends! I'm married to TWO of them!" she yelled, her demeanor changing from desperately sweet to exasperated quickly. "TWO! Bloody TWO!"

"Breathe, Lily. Please breathe." Remus waited for Lily's breathing to slow. She breathed deeply and evenly into the phone so Remus could hear. "There you go. Good. Now, calmly explain to me what the problem is."

"I MARRIED TWO MEN!" she screeched.

"Er…Lils, that isn't exactly calmly."

"CALM? I CAN'T BE CALM!"

"Could you try quietly?"

"Okay, quietly. Sure." Lily took a deep breath, and then said, "Well, I married James, but I didn't really marry only him, I married Sirius too, because Sirius is his best friend, and I thought that they would get over each other a little, but it is worse than ever, and sometimes I think that those two are better for each other than he and I am, and Sirius MOVED IN WITH US, and I can never get rid of him, and he always smells like dog, tracks in muddy paw prints, and fogs up the bathroom mirror, and all his dog dandruff is making my asthma act up, and he never bloody shuts up, and I WANT HIM THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"Wow," was the only thing that Remus could say, which seemed appropriate after Lily's insanely long run-on sentence that had all been said in one breath. He gave her time to find her inhaler before continuing.

"So…I take it that you are fed up with Sirius?" Remus ventured as Lily's breathing became even.

"Fed up? Oh, no. I'm not fed up. I'm PAST fed up! Fed up was when he PAINTED OUR BEDROOM GOLD because it gave him that 'homey-Gryffindor feeling'. Do you have any idea how hard it is to sleep in a glowing gold room? Especially with all of those damn dog-shaped nightlights in the room? It's impossible!"

"Why did Sirius do that to your bedroom?" Remus asked.

"When I said 'our' bedroom, I meant the bedroom that I sleep in with James and Sirius. James AND SIRIUS!"

"Sirius sleeps in your room?" Mentally, Remus added, "Padfoot, you are lucky she hasn't castrated you yet."

"Not just in our room. In our BED! Right in between James and me. RIGHT IN BETWEEN!"

"Sirius has always been a cuddly type…"

"I want to cuddle with my husband. Sirius had SEVEN YEARS to cuddle with James. I want to cuddle with him!"

"That's—wait, Sirius is cuddling with James?"

That was too much for even Remus to fathom.

"Yes! Every night! Every night," she stressed. "And what am I left with to cuddle? My very own stuffed Marauder set! I have a stag, a dog, a rat, and a wolf to hold onto at night. It was Sirius's anniversary present. Not my anniversary with James, mind you, but my anniversary with Sirius! Supposedly, October 21st was the first time that he called me 'an insufferable red-headed know-it-all'!"

Remus scratched his head. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.

"He and James always monopolize the television. Always! I was the one who introduced them to television! Sirius poked it for twelve minutes to see if it would move when he first saw it! 'No, Lily, you can't watch the news. We're watching our soap opera, and later on is our muggle sports,'" she said in a mocking voice.

"Pads and Prongs are watching SOAP OPERAS?" Remus yelped. Really, this was too much for a werewolf to take when his coffee machine was broken.

"Yep. Last week they wouldn't stop crying when Ramone left Patricia for Sonia!" she complained. "It was awful! I had to go out and buy them potato chips and butterbeer to make them feel better."

"They're poofs," Remus said, horrified of what had happened to the previously manly Marauders. "Merlin, Lily, they're gay."

"THEY'RE NOT GAY!" Lily yelled into the phone. "James and I had extremely satisfying sex three days ago…until Sirius came back from the grocery store with bananas, Ramone's favorite food." Remus heard her moan quietly. "They are gay!"

"No, no, they aren't," Remus said, contradicting his earlier statement in favor of denial. "They're just lacking manly—WHY DID YOU LET THEM CUDDLE?"

"I DON'T KNOW! All I know is I need Sirius out of my house. Out NOW. I want to be able to breathe again, I want to cuddle up to my husband, and I'm BLOODY SICK OF THEM FEELING BAD FOR PATRICIA!"

"Inhaler, Lily."

She took a few drags off of her inhaler. "Okay, okay. I'm fine."

Remus sighed heavily, massaging his temple with his free hand. "So…I'm guessing this is where the declarations of love come in, right?"

"I love you," she responded automatically. "And, yes, it is." She sighed. "Please, please, please, PLEASE, take Sirius away. I'll pay you! Just get that mutt OUT OF MY HOUSE! He loves you too! Cuddle with him! Watch One Wand to Wave with him. Buy him bananas! Please, Remus! PLEEEEEEEASE!"

"Lily, I—"

"My husband finds his smelly best friend with bananas more appealing than a naked me! I'm sick of cuddling up with those scary-looking Marauder stuffed animals! Padfoot is always smirking at me. And glaring. It's creepy! Please!"

"Lily—"

"If you don't get that mud-tracking, gold-painting, husband-cuddling, soap opera-crying, banana-eater out of here within the week, I will personally make sure you will never father any children, Remus John Lupin!"

"I'll be there in five minutes," Remus said, hanging up the phone. Lily's anger was enough to strike fear into the heart of any man, werewolf or not.

oOoOo

"Hello, love," James greeted, swooping down to kiss Lily on the cheek. She smiled weakly.

"Hello, Flower," Sirius said, pecking Lily on the lips. She waited until she was out of his line of sight before wiping off her lips with the back of her hand.

"We bought bananas!" Sirius announced from the kitchen. "The perfect food to eat during One Wand to Wave!"

"Of course!" Lily called back, grimacing. Where the hell was Remus?

Sirius and James eagerly sat down in front of the television, which Sirius had fondly named "Ramone". Lily groaned quietly as she glared up at the clock. Five minutes was a minute ago.

"I'm here, Lily!" Remus panted as he Apparated in next to Lily's chair. It was obvious that he had spent his six minutes getting dressed, as his jeans were unbuttoned, his shirt was on backwards, and his hair was still wet from the shower. His wand was stuck in his back pocket. He knew not to risk Lily's anger.

"Moony!" Sirius and James called out together, momentarily turning their attention from the television. Within seconds of the acknowledgement, though, they were back to watching.

"What are they watching?" Remus gulped as he kneeled down next to Lily, afraid of her answer.

"Their soap opera," Lily whispered.

"This is bad." Remus shook his head. "Really bad."

"Obviously!" Lily hissed. "My husband is not a poof! And Sirius…" Lily glanced over at Sirius, who was singing the lyrics that he had made up to go with the One Wand to Wave theme song. "…well, he may be beyond hope."

"The tightness of his pants did always worry me," Remus agreed. "But if he's going to be a poof, he's going to do it with some dignity."

"I don't care if he skips around in pink knickers singing 'I Feel Pretty', just as long as he does it far away from my house."

"I'd like to avoid the pink knickers, but I agree." He looked at her hesitantly. "But how do I get him away from the television?"

"That, Remus, is for you to figure out." Lily patted him on the back jovially. "Have fun."

"You are evil, Flower," he accused, a twinkle in his eyes.

"I married James before he became all poof-like, didn't I? I used to believe him to be pure evil personified before I realized that he was cute."

Remus stood up and took a deep breath before silently approaching Sirius and James. They were eagerly staring at the screen as a woman brandished her wand on screen.

"Go Patricia! Go Patricia!" Sirius cheered, doing his patented Sirius Happy Dance sitting down.

Remus swallowed hard. This would be more difficult than perceived.

"So, Sirius—" he started, but was cut off by Sirius's shushing.

"Shhhhh! Later, Moony. I'm watching Patty hex Ramone!"

Remus looked over at Lily hopefully, and she shot him a combination of an 'I told you so' look and an 'It's your problem now' look. It wasn't a very pleasant thing to see.

"I'm going to get some water," Remus said as he started towards the kitchen. Sirius nodded and waved him away.

Remus took a deep breath as he grabbed a glass off the counter and brought it over to the sink. He winced when he saw something that resembled what had once been a Prongs plushie in the garbage disposal. He knew that he should have gotten Lily that stress ball for Christmas.

Remus took a sip of his drink and leaned against the counter. He would need a brilliant, cunning plan to get Sirius out of the house before Lily resorted to Unforgivable Curses or Bodily Harm, yet he couldn't let Sirius know at risk of hurting his feelings. When Padfoot was unhappy, the whole world was unhappy. He tended to pout, sulk, and complain, and that was enough to make anyone think of the Unforgivables.

He ran his hand through his hair, James's favorite thinking technique, but had to immediately fix it. All the technique helped was to make his hair messy, and Remus guessed that it only did the same for James. He would have to figure out some way to get Sirius out before Lily took drastic measures. Lily was not very fun to be around when she was drastic.

Remus walked into the living room with a sense of confidence. He could do this. He would do this. It would be…Merlin, was Sirius crying?

"Ramone!" Sirius cried out, anguished. "Don't do this to her, Ramone! Patty is good! So good! Can't you see that Sonia is sleeping with your half-brother, Lucas? Please, Ramone! See Patricia as the kindhearted soul she really is!"

Remus looked over at Lily. Her left eye was twitching.

As it turned out, Remus wasn't allowed to do a thing to help during OWTW. Apparently, only Sirius and James were allowed to talk when the show was on, and commercials were snack time and bathroom breaks. Remus hadn't been able to get a word in edgewise.

At three o'clock, much to Remus's and Lily's delight, the soap opera ended. Lily was still sitting in her chair, but by the end of the episode, she had her Padfoot plushie and push-pins in hand. Obviously stuffed animals made good voodoo dolls.

Sirius and James finally turned their attention from the television to their companions. Lily was busy gouging Padfoot's eye out with a safety pin, and Remus was deep in thought across from her. Sirius, thankfully, was concentrated on Remus, not Lily, and did not notice the dismemberment of his stuffed counterpart.

"Back from Transylvania, are you, Moony?" Sirius asked, out of his soap opera coma. "You missed so much! Prongs, Flower, and I have been having a great time. We started watching One Wand to Wave and I helped repaint." Sirius beamed. "It's fantastic!"

"That's wonderful, Padfoot," Remus said carefully.

"It is, isn't it?" James agreed. "My gorgeous wife, one of my best mates, and I living together! Maybe even you and Peter could stay in the guest room for a while! Wouldn't that be fun?"

Remus shot a look over at Lily. She was jabbing Padfoot repeatedly with a pair of scissors.

"Maybe sometime," he said vaguely.

Sirius nodded happily, his Sirius-I-Filter-Out-Everything-I-Don't-Want-To-Hear System conveniently turning "maybe sometime" to "yes, anytime".

"Good, good," Sirius chirped.

Remus felt a pair of eyes burning holes in the back of his head. He slowly turned around. Lily was glaring at him in a very angry 'do something, you twat!' way. He swallowed hard. When Lily pulled that look out, it was usually good to do something.

"So, Padfoot, Prongs," Remus started, "want to maraud tonight? We can gather up Peter and have a Marauder's night."

"We can't," James said sadly.

"Why not?" Remus asked, fearing the answer.

"Santiago Suarez, the dashing actor that portrays Ramone Torres, is guest starring as the weatherman on the news tonight!" Sirius said excitedly. "We can't miss it!"

"Now they want to watch the news," Lily grumbled. Remus just looked on in shock.

It was horrible. Unbelievable. Wrong. The mighty had fallen. James and Sirius refused to go marauding to watch the news. That was a Remus thing to do! Remus was the manly one of the group now! Remus and Peter!

Remus shuddered as he realized what the world was coming to. Now that bookworm Remus and pudgy Peter were considered manly, everything seemed darker. Scarier. He couldn't handle being the Manly One in the group! He was the Rational One. Being Manly was too much for him. He had to restore Manliness back into his friends. Either that, or he would have to admit defeat and let them drift off into the world of soap operas and bananas. But Remus Lupin would not allow the world end up like that. Remus Lupin would stand strong. Remus Lupin would instill the Manliness back into Sirius and James which made the ladies swoon and Lily hurl sharp objects at their heads!

"Do you think I should straighten my hair?" Sirius asked, fingering a strand of his dark hair.

Remus groaned. They just had to make this more difficult for him, didn't they? He sighed, though, understanding. It was the Marauder way. Maybe there was hope for them after all.

"You'd look fantastic with straight hair!" James enthused. "How about me?"

Or not.

"Remus," Lily said in a tight voice. "Would you come over here?"

"Sure, Lily," Remus said, looking and the floor and walking slowly over. James and Sirius were too busy discussing their hair to notice their mate being sent to his death. So much for Marauder support.

Remus carefully crouched down next to Lily's chair. She set poor decapitated Padfoot and her sharp objects on her lap and turned her upper body to the side, leaning over so her lips were near Remus's ear.

"I think we can agree that I'm a relatively patient person," she said tersely. Remus nodded, although it was far from the truth. Lily could be worse than Sirius when it came to patience. But one thing that you learned when you spent time with Lily Potter was that agreeing with her when she was angry was the only thing you could do, unless you had the desire to be castrated. "My patience is gone. Sirius needs to be gone. I'm depending on you, Lupin. And if you don't help me, then you will end up in the same deep, dark ditch that I will eventually throw Sirius in with a rather unpleasant rash in a rather unpleasant place. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, ma'am," Remus gulped. She could be worse than McGonagall when it came to threatening. Remus knew that Lily shouldn't have spent so much time with her transfiguration professor. She had obviously taken lessons in the fine art of striking fear into the hearts of Marauders, too.

"Lily, why haven't you just kicked him out?" Remus ventured.

"You know as well as I do that Sirius gets all whiny and pouty and doglike whenever his feelings are hurt. James, the bastard, can't resist Sirius's pout. I'd have him in and out in an hour, and then Sirius would be able to hold the leverage over my head that I was mean and cruel and hurt his little puppy feelings. The last thing that git needs is something else to play to his advantage." She shot him a glare. "Get him out, and leave me out of it. No pouty Siriuses are allowed. That man is annoying enough when he's happy."

Remus returned to James and Sirius on shaky legs. Remus had always been fond of Lily during school (Sirius had called her "that insufferable bird with the hair" and Peter had called her "the scary girl that wants to rip our heads off and feed them to the hippogriffs", and James had called her anything ranging from "Evans" to "my love" to "banana nut honeysuckle cream pastry". Remus had just opted for "Lily"). Fondness aside, Lily was just a scary person, as Peter had said. Come to think of it, Remus realized, Peter's description of Lily had been the most accurate one until seventh year. Sadly, now it was still fitting.

Remus attempted to lure Sirius out of the house with promises of hair straighteners, firewhiskey, and shiny objects, but nothing sparked Sirius's interest. Remus was close to giving up. The world was upside down, anyway. The real Sirius Black would never refuse to go somewhere with hair supplies, alcohol, and shiny things. He wouldn't sit on the couch, watch soap operas, and paint. Maybe since Sirius was topsy-turvy, Lily would be a docile brunette who loved her husband's best friend and didn't take her anger out on voodoo dolls.

When Remus looked behind him, he realized that it was foolish to even hope.

"So…erm…," Remus started, thinking. He was the smart one, he had to be able to come up with something! "Eh…"

"Sod it!"

Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs turned around abruptly to see the source of the yelling, which was undoubtedly Lily. She was standing on the seat of her chair, which made her slightly taller than any of the Marauders when they stood up, and was clutching her headless stuffed Padfoot in her clenched fist.

"Sod it!" she repeated angrily. "Sod it all! James, Sirius, Remus, you are all idiots! Beyond idiots! Annoying, gittish, prats! And before you say anything, Remus, yes, I just made up the word 'gittish'!" Remus closed his mouth obediently.

"I can't believe you three!" Lily continued to rant from her position. "Especially you, James! You chased after me for three bloody years! We're married, and what do you do? You CUDDLE with Sirius! Sirius, the smelly, whiny, gold-painting git! You track MUD in my house, you don't put your dishes in the sink, and you shed all over the place! Do you have any idea how much I've been using my inhaler?" As if to demonstrate, Lily took a long pull out of it in the middle of her speech so she could catch her breath.

"And you!" She turned to Remus. He stepped back slightly. "I called you to help me, and what do you do? NOTHING! You did nothing! And now I'm standing on top of my chair with a headless Padfoot screaming at you three, no thanks to you, Mr. I-Can-Handle-It!"

Before Remus could protest that he had never said that he was capable of handling the situation, Sirius piped in with watery eyes. "Y-you…hurt…Padfoot?" he whispered hoarsely, hardly believing what he was saying.

"Yes, I stuck pins in your precious Padfoot plushie! Do you know what, Black? It's CREEPY! It's always looking at me, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you! You are driving me all insane!" Lily pulled on her hair, groaning as she rolled her eyes to the ceiling. She recovered quickly, lowering her eyes to the Marauders and meeting their glances with a steely glare.

"James, in the dog house! Remus, out of here! Sirius, get your bloody things, leave my house, and don't come back!" she ordered.

"Awww, but Padfoot left fur in the doghouse," James whined quietly as he trudged into his room to pick up the things he needed for his punishment.

"You want me out?" Sirius asked as Remus inched towards the door, trying to escape from Lily's wrath and Sirius's whining.

"Yes, I want you out!" Lily replied. "Of course I want you out! Now! I'm a married woman with needs! And those needs do not involve Ramone and bananas! I want to ravish my husband in bed, for Merlin's sake, without being interrupted by his smelly best friend! Out! Out of my bed, out of my living room! Get your stuff and leave!"

"You could have just asked nicely," Sirius shrugged. He looked unaffected. There was no pout in sight. "I would have gone before the fiery Evans temper kicked in."

"Wh-what?" Lily blanched, astonished. "N-no begging? No pleading? No pouting?" She was genuinely shocked and, although she would never admit it, a little scared. Sirius pouted over things like broken cookies and missing socks. Now she was blatantly kicking him out, and his lower lip was still in line with his upper one!

Remus, who was used to Sirius's unpredictability, knew that this was a good thing and that Lily shouldn't drag it out. Part of Sirius's unpredictability was going back to the predictable.

"I'm shocked that you think that I whine about everything," Sirius said indignantly, his hand flying to his heart. "That hurts, Flower. Really. I am a mature, responsible adult." He took a deep breath. "I'll be gone as soon as I pack up my stuffed animals."

He jogged into the bedroom that he had been sharing with James and Lily, and Remus could've sworn that there was a slight spring to his step.

"I GOT MAD ABOUT THIS AND FORCED REMUS OVER HERE FOR NOTHING?" Lily screeched. "I OVERREACTED SO YOU COULD SKIP OFF?" Remus was horrified that Lily found being wrong about Sirius's reaction was worse than a week of whiny-Padfoot. "UGGGGGH!"

Lily angrily plopped down on her chair, crossing her arms and pouting. Remus winced, mentally wishing James luck. Hurricane Lily could be worse than Pouting Sirius.

"I'm ready to go, Moony!" Sirius called out cheerfully as he reentered the room. He was dragging a large duffle bag behind him. "Let's head out!"

"'Let's'?" Remus repeated. "As in 'let us'. As in both of us? Together? To the same place?"

"And we call you the smart one," Sirius snorted. "Of course, Moony!" He slung an arm around his friend's shoulders and began to steer him towards the door.

"I bet you've barely been in your new flat," Sirius rambled as they walked forward. "I'll paint it and everything. Gold, of course. And I have the nightlights, don't worry! What size is your bed? A king would be nice so there'll be plenty of room for cuddling, but a queen is cozy. Do you have a tellyvision? Is it a girl? If it is, can I name her Patricia?"

Remus shot Lily a "help me" look, but she waved it away, closing her eyes and giggling as Sirius unlatched the door and pushed Remus towards the motorbike. Her laughter was uncontrollable when she heard Remus's girlish screams as Sirius revved his bike. Now Sirius could torture another Marauder, and now for even longer, thanks to Remus's aversion to upsetting Sirius and his lack of an angry wife. She was sure that they would be very happy together—that was, until Sirius and his motorbike got "mysteriously" thrown off the roof.

Lily snapped out of her evil thoughts when she noticed her husband trudging through the living room with his satchel, ready to be condemned to Padfoot's doghouse. Lily tended to take the expression "in the doghouse" quite literally.

When Lily noticed something pink sticking out of her husband's bag, she stood up and strode quickly towards him. Reaching up, she pulled his face down to her level and met his lips with hers for a slow kiss. After a few moments, she pulled away.

"Did you enjoy that?" she asked apprehensively.

"Yeah," James said, grinning like a lovesick fool. Lily was happy to see her not-poofy, Lily-worshipping husband back.

"Good," she replied. "Now, off to the doghouse with you."

"After that?" James whined.

"Ta, ta," she said with a wave. She dipped her hand into James's bag and pulled out the offending pink object. She was pleased to see that it was a lollipop.

As James traipsed out to the doghouse, Lily collapsed onto her chair happily. With a wicked grin she unwrapped the strawberry lollipop, slipping it between her lips. She twirled it in her mouth contentedly as she thought of decapitated Marauder plushies laying on the floor, just ready to be trampled on.

She sighed evilly as she reached for her voodoo Padfoot. It was good to be back in control.

oOoOo

A/N2: Some credit to Boy Meets World for Lily's kiss at the end. Cookies for anyone who recognized that without reading this A/N.