L'il Akatsuki
Summary; Random crackfic about the first day of kindergarten for our favorite gang of criminals.
A/N- Don't pester me about the unrealisticness of this. It's a crack, okay? Let's just say that some random cosmic power randomly turned them all the same age at one point in time just long enough to go to kindergarten. I get these ideas in my head, as strange and possibley moronic as they are, and they just won't go away until I act on them.
Also, Holy butt! This is the only pg-13 story I think I've ever written!...It was hard. I considered having Hidan cuss anyway, but, you know, it'd be more fun hearing him come up with insults that don't involve swear-words. Also, as for their teacher(s), I know it's kind of a random character(s), I just wrote a bunch of names down and picked them out of a jar. So yea.
~x~
We enter the scene at Akatsuki elementary school. It's the very first day of real school for a certian group of very unique strangers. The last of the mothers are getting back into their cars, and driving away after one last teary look at the school. They just grow up so fast.
"Alright children! My name is Miss Shizune. And for some reason, I'm teaching kindergarten now instead of doing whatever I was doing before Tsunade became hokage. Would everyone please stand up and introduce themselves to each other."
The children hesitantly rose to thier feet, all except two of them, who jumped up quickly. The first was a blonde, who Shizune honestly thought was a girl at first.
"My name's Deidara! I'm gonna be an artist when I grow up!" he gloated excitedly.
"That's very nice Deidara, what kind of artist are you going to be?"
"I want to blow up everyone else's art!"
"Oh." Shizune said, what a wierd little kid. "Well that's-
"That's Dumb! That's not an artist that's just being a stupidhead!" The second child to rise to their feet interrupted. "My name's Hidan!" he said proudly, pointing to himself with his thumb. "I'm going to be a priest when I grow up. I get to decide who goes to heaven or not!"
"I.. don't think it works like that Hidan..."
"Oh yea? Well you're a teacher, so what would you know about holy professions? Not poopy, so hush up!"
Miss Shizune was taken back by his aggressive nature, how could a five-year-old be so hostile? She righted herself quickly, and looked around the room. She supposed since no one else was speaking up, she'd just go from left to right.
"And what's your name?"
"I am Uchiha Itachi."
Shizune waited for him to say something more, but he just stared calmly back at her. She smiled, perhaps he was nervous. No matter, he'd come out of his shell like all the other kids that she didn't know about because she'd only ever taught kindergarten in this one story.
"And you?" She said, looking to the next child.
"My name is Sasori." he said, then cast what seemed like a glare at Deidara. "I want to be an artist too."
"Oh, how perfect! I bet you two will get along just great!" Shizune clapped her hands together, looking back and forth between them.
"No. I want to create stuff that will last forever, not blow stuff 's not even art, it's just destruction."
Shizune had to admit, she was a little impressed by his vocabulary, but the lifeless way he spoke was a little bone-chilling.
"Hey you shut up yeah! Art is whatever you want it to be! My mom said so!"
"Your mom is a dumbface." Hidan muttered from his spot at the back of the room.
"Hidan! That's enough! We're all friends here. I don't want you using that kind of language." Shizune snapped. Hidan plopped back down in his chair, pouting.
"Okay, back to what we were doing, what's your name little miss?"
"Konan.."
"My, what a pretty name for a pretty girl. How silly for you to be the only girl stuck in this class, don't you think?"
"They probably thought I was a boy. Everyone says I have a boy name."
"Oh, that's not true, a name is whatever you want it to be."
Konan beamed at this.
Shizune moved all down the line until everyone was introduced.
"I'm Kisame Hoshigaki. I want to be a shark trainer!"
"My name is Nagato. But I like Pein better."
Shizune hesitated at this, but decided against informing him how totally emo his name was, he was just a kid afterall.
"I'm Kakuzu."
"Zetsu. I think flowers are pretty.."
This earned a round of laughter and jokes from the rest of the class.
"My name is Tobi! And Tobi is a good boy!" The last one cried out cheerfully. Shizune expected the other children to laugh, but they all just seemed wierded out by the masked boy.
"Tobi, why don't you take off your mask?"
"NO! MOMMY SAID I DIDN'T HAVE TO!"
"Okay! Calm down, it was only a suggestion.." Shizune was a little wierded out too, to be honest.
"Okay." Shizune clapped again, looking around the room. What was she supposed to do now? She had no clue, she was a sorry excuse for a kindergarten teacher. How dare she tarnish the earnesty of this story with her degrading lack of profession.
"Well, Uh. I suppose it's activity time. Everyone go to the cabinets over there on the walls and find an activity that you want to do!"
Most of the children slowly got up, except for Tobi and Deidara, who were shoving each other out of the way to get to the cabinet first. They ended up tumbling over each other, and all the other children got there before the two, who were now wrestling on the floor.
"Hey now!" Shizune pulled the boys apart, Deidara growled in frustration and Tobi was still kicking with his eyes closed, apparently unaware they had been seperated. "That's no way for little gentlemen to act! Now apologize to each other and I don't want to see any more of that today."
But before they could even get a word out, Shizune looked up to another fight breaking out. She dropped the blonde and the brainless one to go pull apart the other two.
"He took my sword! I had it first!" The white haired child yelled out.
"He hit me with it and called me a poop-eater! So I took it away!" Retorted Kakuzu.
Shizune just sighed, what was wrong with these kids?
"Why don't you four boys look over there at Kisame and Itachi, see how nice they're playing?"
Their eyes were all averted back to the table on the far side of the room, where the two indeed sat beside each other. Itachi was coloring silently while Kisame asked him questions about himself in between pauses to focus on the puzzle he was putting together.
"That looks boring! I want to play war with someone!" Hidan stated loudly, then yanked the foam sword out of Kakuzu's hand and smacked him with it roughly before laughing and taking off. Kakuzu grabbed the other foam sword and chased after him, though he didn't seem to be doing it for the sake of having fun.
"BOOM!"
Shizune jumped from the sudden interjection, and cast her eyes the opposite direction. Deidara had just knocked down the building block tower Tobi had made, the masked boy was almost in tears... maybe. She couldn't really tell. Whatever, she decided to just go sit back up at her desk, they could work it out amongst themselves. Until someone got hurt, surely they would be fine.
She sauntered back up to the desk, but stopped just before sitting down.
"Zetsu, what are you doing under there?"
"We're playing hide and seek."
Shizune lifted a brow and looked around the room, assuming he was talking about Konan and Pein. But those two were sitting in the corner crosslegged... drawing maybe? She couldn't really tell what they were doing. Pein sure was smiling though, and Konan looked a little pink in the cheeks. And Sasori was over playing with the playdough by himself.
"Who is 'we' Zetsu?" Shizune asked, but the green-haired boy had disappeared when she looked back down. She noticed him off examining the plants in the window.
"Good lord..." She muttered flopping into her seat. Kids were always full of surprises, but these guys were a bunch of wierdos.
Her eyes went wide and she stood up from the desk so suddenly that the desk lurched forward. "KAKUZU! STOP THAT!"
She rushed over to the two boys and pried the dark skinned hands from the albino's throat. "What's wrong with you? Don't ever, ever do that! Your mom's going to be hearing about this!"
"But he keeps following me around! He won't stop talking! I already told him I didn't want to play with him!"
"That doesn't mean you need to choke him."
"Yea Kuzu-chaan!" Hidan purred, "You big buttsniffer!"
"Hidan I told you I didn't want to hear any more of that."
"Bite me lady! You're not my mom!"
"Alright! I've had enough out of you two! Both of you in the corner now. Konan, Pein, I need to you move, come sit up at this table." Shizune dragged each boy to a seperate corner by their wrists as the other two children screambled out of the way. "If I hear a peep out of either of you, I'll keep you both inside during recess."
"WHAT!?" Hidan screamed.
"Shut up! You idiot!"
"Kakuzu! Hidan! Silence! Now!"
With that she walked away, rubbing her temples.
"KABLAM!"
"Deidara-sempai.. stop doing that!"
"I'm making art, hm!"
"I would hardly call that art." Sasori called from across the room.
"Hey! You shut up! My mom said-"
"Your mom is mis-informed."
"Deidara! Stop knocking down Tobi's blocks! Sasori, stop insulting Deidara!"
Shizune didn't even wait for their reactions, she didn't have time before she heard the crash of a crematic pot.
"Zetsu! What are you doing!?"
The boy tried to speak, but his mouth was full of the plant that used to be in the now broken pot.
"Spit that out! That's my aloe-vera!" She rushed over and held her hand out, after a moments hesitation Zetsu let the glob of half-chewed plant-life fall out of his mouth into her hand. She gagged for a moment, and threw it into the trashcan. "Child, what could possibley have gone through your head to make you want to eat that. It can't taste good at all." She said while picking up the broken pieces of the pot. Zetsu just shrugged.
"Get away from me!"
Shizune's head whipped around at the feminine squeal. Konan was running away from Pein, who had a red welt on his face in the shape of a hand. She instructed Zetsu to clean up the potting soil before rushing over to them.
"What's going on you two?"
Konan ran behind her and clutched onto her skirt, peeking out from behind her to glare at the redhead. "He tried to kiss me Miss Shizune."
"Nagato is that true?"
"She asked me to!"
"DID NOT!"
"DID TOO!"
"You're both too young to be kissing anyway!"
"I wish I was in Yahiko's class! I wouldn't mind if he kissed me!"
"You're a meanie!"
"Stop it right now!" Shizune said sharply. "Pein, why don't you go see if Sasori will share some of his playdough with you." Sasori looked up immediatly and shook his head. Shizune raised a brown brow. Man, these kids were wierd.
"Uh.. Okay, go over and color with Itachi."
Pein dejectedly walked over to the shark-lover and his quiet friend. Shizune thought that maybe just for a second Itachi tried to smile at the redhead, before continuing his coloring.
He's my favorite so far... She thought to herself. The rest of these kids were rediculous, except for Kisame of course, he hadn't caused much trouble either. She looked down to the blue-haired girl still hiding behind her.
"Konan, I'm going to make you my official classroom cop."
Konan's eyes lit up.
"You're going to help me keep these boys in line okay?"
"HEY! That's not fair, just cause she's a girl!" Deidara yelled.
"Yea, Deidara looks like a girl, so he should be a cop too."
"SHUT UP TOBI!"
Shizune rushed over to pull the boys apart yet again. "Deidara, go play with Sasori." The other redhead looked up again and started to repeat his action from before. "Sasori you're just going to have to share okay?"
"I'll share with anyone but him.." Sasori muttered. Shizune ignored this, pinching the bridge of her nose. It'd only been 20 minutes and she was exhausted.
"Hidan! Get back in the corner! If you make me miss recess I swear-"
"Oh shut it darkie. I won't get caught."
"HIDAN!" Shizune snapped, stalking over to the boy.
"Kakuzu you blew my cover you pig-nosed monkey!"
She caught him by the shirt just before he lunged toward the older boy. He was 6, after all, that's old compared to all the 5 years olds. Except Sasori, who she believed was also 6.
"Hidan I swear If I hear one more insult out of your mouth I'm sending you to the principal's office."
"It's not my fault! He's making me mad!"
"Then play with someone else!"
"They're all boring!"
"They wouldn't be so boring if you had a brain." Kakuzu muttered, causing Hidan to flail uselessly in an attempt to go after him.
"Miss Shizune, Zetsu's eating dirrrt!" Konan called from the window.
"You're getting it everywhere!" Sasori yelled from the other side of the room.
"Don't mock my creativity!" Deidara screeched back.
"Alright, you know what, everyone go sit back down, activity time is over."
The kids collectively "Aww'd' and slowly filtered back to the desks, of course none of them actually went back to where they had been sitting before, as Shizune intended. Oh no, all the trouble-makers were sitting by each other.
"You can all sit in these spots if you promise to behave. If not I'm going to make a seating arrangement."
The kids remained quiet. Shizune sighed happily. Now she just had to figure out what to do next-
The bell rang and interrupted her thoughts.
"Oh thank God." She muttered, she would have 30 blissful minutes of pure silence. "Alright, recess time! Everyone line up at the door."
The kids charged like a pack of wildebeests at the door, eventually managing to make a crooked line after a few long seconds. Shizune promptly led them outside.
"They're you're problem for the next half hour." She muttered to Kakashi, who just grunted in response, before scurrying back inside.
Recess was chaos. Kakashi had to pull Hidan off of another kid 7 times, and he had to pull Kakuzu off of Hidan 8 more. Deidara insisted on kicking down whatever anyone was making in the sandbox, then he had to rescue him from 3 bigger kids who'd had enough of his nonsense and pushed him down and pulled his long hair and attempted to make him eat sand.
Tobi just ran around like a hyper little spaz the entire time. And Kisame, though he didn't follow Itachi around, wasn't hiding the fact that he was watching him very closely. Itachi, meanwhile, was over on the other side of the playground playing dodgeball with a couple of his older cousins. Kakashi had to break up a fight there too.
When he returned to the kindergarten side, Hidan and Deidara were hanging off the swingset by thier knees, punching at each other to see who would fall first. Nagato and some other orange-haired boy had gotten in a fight while Konan tried futiley to break them up. Kisame and Kakuzu were having a calm conversation, bless their hearts. Zetsu was eating sand, Tobi was feeding it to him, giggling like a maniac.
And Sasori was up on top of the swirly slide, fiddling with God-knows-what.
"What is wrong with these kids!?" Kakashi exclaimed.
-o-
" P..."
Shizune smiled, she'd finally gotten them calmed down after they came back in. These kids were pretty bright when they weren't acting like neanderthals.
"Q R S, T U V, W X, Y and Z..."
And surprisingly she didn't have to seperate them. Aside from Kakuzu and Hidan kicking each other under the table, and Deidara and Sasori occasionally making faces at each other, they were doing rather well.
"Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me."
Shizune applauded. "Very, Very good kids! Alright, who knows how to play the alphabet game?"
The kids looked back and forth at each other, confused.
"It's really simply. Okay, we're going to go right to left, so Itachi, you're going to start. You say a word that starts with the letter A."
"Assassin."
Shizune paused. First of all, what the heck? Second of all... What the heck!?
"Teacher he said two bad words! Why didn't he get in trouble!"
"Hush Hidan."
Hidan stuck out his bottom lip and crossed his arms over his chest, slumping down in his chair.
"Okay, Kisame, now you say a word that starts with the letter B."
"Uhh... Blades!"
Shizune faltered again. Their parents must have serious problems..
"Alright, Tobi, a word that starts with C."
"Cuddley!"
Well, that one wasn't too bad.
"Sasori, give me a D word."
"Dumb." He glared daggars at Deidara.
"I get It now! My word is EXPLOSION!"
"That's a big word.. Okay, does everyone else get it?"
The kids all nodded. "Okay Zetsu, go ahead."
"Faces.."
"God." Said Pein.
"Heroic!" Konan shouted.
"Insane." Kakuzu spat at Hidan.
"Jashin will eat your soul." Hidan said back.
"Hidan, that's fine for this time, but next time just use one word." Shizune said politely. "Now it's back to Itachi with a K word."
"Kill." Itachi said solemly.
Shizune shivered. She wasn't so keen on Itachi after all, she sort of had the feeling he was secretly a 5 year old serial killer.
"Lllllike?" Kisame said, facing Shizune but flicking his eyes back toward Itachi.
"Mother!" Tobi chirped.
"Nothing." Sasori grunted.
"Uhm...omnipitent."
There was dead silence through the classroom. Deidara just stared up at Shizune with wide, innocent eyes. She opened her mouth to ask how he even knew such a word, but decided against it, lest she start another arguement. Then waved to Zetsu to continue.
"Plants."
"Uh... question."
"Red!"
"Stupid!" Kakuzu exclaimed in Hidans face.
"Totally ugly!"
"Hidan, I told you, just use one word. Itachi? Back to you again." Shizune tried to sound cheerful, but she didn't really want to hear another morbid word from the Uchiha.
"Useless."
Well... she supposed that wasn't so bad.
"Villian!" Kisame piped.
Okay... That one she'd let go, since V words were hard for kids.
"Walrus!"
Nice job Tobi.
Sasori seemed troubled, he looked up at Shizune questioningly.
"Xylaphone. X is always a hard word, so don't feel bad." She smiled, he didn't return it.
"Yellow?" Deidara questioned, Shizune nodded and looked to Zetsu. He just stared blankley.
"Oh come on, this one should be easy for you."
He just stared, she could practically see the smoke coming out of his ears. She rolled her eyes and sighed. "What's your name?"
"Zetsu."
"Alright there we go the game is over! You all did so well!" She turned and walked back to her desk, leaving a still confused Zetsu to ponder.
"Okay, in the next ten minutes, I want everyone to pick a letter, just one, and draw me a picture of as many things you can think of that start with that letter."
The children happily pulled out their crayons and paper, and scribbled away.
Shizune looked at the clock. She couldn't beleive it was still the first day. This was going to be a horribley long year. At least she only had 3 more hours with these crazy kids before she could go home and try to get back to normality. At least until tomorrow...
"Okay, Time's up!" Let's see what you have, Hidan, You first."
He held up his paper, grinning proudly. Shizune stared, and Kakuzu seemed to be holding back a laugh. She couldn't really make out what it was, she didn't know if he'd just scribbled carelessly, or if it was just a million things all bunched together on one paper.
"You want to tell me what your letter was, and what each thing is?"
Hidan huffed, he seemed to halfway catch on. "It's S. This is a Snake. This is a sickle. This is Kakuzu cause he's stupid, not me." Kakuzu glared, Shizune rolled her eyes, a couple other kids giggled.
"This is a seashell. That's Sasori." Sasori humph'd and looked away. Apparently he wasn't pleased with Hidan's drawing skills.
"This is a sandbox. This is a clown, cause I didn't know how else to draw Silly. That's a slice of bread. And this is Kakuzu again. Cause he's super stupid."
Kakuzu promplty grabbed one of Hidan's crayons and chucked it at his head. Luckily Hidan shifted quick enough so that he didn't lose an eyeball.
"That's enough boys. Alright Kakuzu, show us yours."
Kakuzu cleared his throat and held up his paper. "I used M."
Shizune raised a brow, the entire page was filled with dollar bills.
"Is that Money?"
Kakuzu nodded.
"You know there's a lot more words that start with M."
"Money is the most important one." he stated bluntly.
"Okay, Konan. Show us your letter."
"I picked O! Cause I love Oragami!" Konan held up her paper, which was folded slopily into a paper swan.
"That's very creative Konan, good job!"
Deidara and Sasori both snorted.
Pein's paper showed him standing on top of the world. He'd explained that he was Ruling the world, or she could also say Running the world. As long as you started with an R. He also had a ruler and a remote and a wrench, which Shizune decided not to correct him on. They'd learn those things later.
Zetsu ate his paper, and claimed to use the letter E, for 'eat'.
Deidara picked B. He had a balloon, with a fuse sticking out the top. A baby, with a fuse sticking out the top. As well as a banana, bat, and a baseball, all with fuses.
Sasori picked P, and had a picture of a puppet pooping on a puppy. Shizune had to try very hard not to laugh. Something about his serious expression told her he hadn't meant for it to be humorous. She certianly didn't expect something so juvenile from the one who was using the most impressing grammar.
Tobi had L, and just had a bunch of hearts.
Kisame explained that he had two letters, S and H. Because that's how Sharks started but it didn't make the usual S sound. Obviously he had a picture of a shark, a picture of a ship, a shoe, and a shower.
Itachi's picture portrayed Bloody Bodies Being Buried. He'd gone with B.
"Well, since we're all done with that." Shizune muttered, taking a step away from the Uchiha. "I think it's snack time, and then we'll move on to numbers."
Apparently the kids were ravenous, because all of them jumped up from their seats and barrelled towards their backpacks, scrambleing to get their lunchboxes out before anyone else. Even Itachi seemed in a hurry.
"Kids calm down, this is no way for gentelmen and a lady to act!"
Hidan slapped a juicebox out of Kakuzu's hand and laughed, before being pushed down and having his animal crackers dumped on top of him by Kakuzu. The juicebox splashed up onto Konan, who squealed in surprise and anger and flailed her arms out, smacking Pein in the face and causing him to stumble back into Sasori who's peanut butter and jelly sandwich went flying out of his hand, fell apart, and landed in Deidara's hair.
Deidara yelled in frustration and charged at Sasori who was just getting back up. The two collided and fell backward into Tobi, making the carton of milk he was holding explode everywhere all over everyone.
Kisame was hit in the face by a random flying shoe, and he blindly swung his fist, hitting Itachi in the arm. Itachi glared daggars at him and walked away rubbing his injured arm before being caught in a tackle between Hidan and Kakuzu, and Zetsu somehow managed to avoid the chaos completley and return to his seat with his celery sticks and baby carrots.
Shizune just stared at them, open-mouthed. She honestly didn't know what to do with these kids. They were all insane. It was rediculous. She thought briefly about leaving the classroom to peek into the other classes doors to see if they were having this much trouble. But she reasoned with herself that if she left the rooms, her class would probably all kill each other and destroy the room in the process.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" She bellowed. All the kids froze, except Zetsu who continued crunching away on his snacks.
"I am done tolerating this kind of behaviour!" She said, "Everyone go back to your seats NOW." The kids quickly scrambled back into their chairs without a word, each one clutching what was left, if anything, of their food. "I don't want to hear another word from any of you until you've all finished eating."
Considering that very few of them had anything left of their food, it was devoured quickly and silently.
After that they all practiced math for half an hour. They all managed to stay relitively calm...for a few minutes.
Kisame kept begging Itachi to forgive him, and Itachi remained stoic, only speaking or moving when he was asked a question. Shizune finally had to seperate them and made Kisame switch seats with Kakuzu. She figured she'd kill two birds with one stone. However, this only solved the crisis on one side of the room. Hidan was relentless with Kisame, teasing him about anything and everything he could think of.
"Kisame and Itachi sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
After awhile this finally evoked a response out of Itachi, who threatened to rip off his head if he didn't shut up. Kakuzu found this incredibley amusing. Kisame seemed to be fighting tears for some reason or another. Apparently he was just a gentle giant.
Hidan retorded by calling him and his entire clan a bunch of no-brained nerd-bombers that think they're better than everyone else. Which Itachi replied to by climbing up onto the table, running across the length of three more and tackling the albino. He'd obviously had more than he could take. Kakuzu and Kisame also joined in beating Hidan until Shizune had to call in backup to pull the four boys off each other. Itachi and Hidan were taken to the principal's office.
Meanwhile, Konan and pein were having a whispered agument with each other over Shizune didn't even care what. And Sasori and Deidara were taking turns kicking each other under the table and giving each other dirty looks. About the same time the other fight erupted, the two 'artists' began shouting back and forth about what art is and isn't, and that morphed it's way into a small fist fight which Konan, remembering that she was the classroom cop, intervened into to stop. This of course got Nagato going, claiming that she wasn't paying attention to him and didn't care about his feelings and his goals.
Finally, to Shizune's releif, the recess bell rang again. She walked the kids wearily out to the playground. Kakashi had been replaced by Anko, Each teacher took turns with Playground Duty, and Shizune stopped just long enough to warn her about the insane children. Sarutobi came walking out, escorting Itachi and Hidan. They were holding heir backsides gingerly.
It didn't go much better this time.
Hidan, sporting a black eye from the tussel inside, decided to actually leave everyone alone and play on the monkey bars. Though his version of playing was to climb up on top of them, perch himself there, and pull rocks out of his pocket that he must have collected before he climbed up, and chuck them at anyone who came within his throwing distance, of course shouting insult the entire time.
Kakuzu went off bullying other, smaller kids, telling them he wouldn't beat them up if they gave him a quarter. The kids weird colored eyes usually did enough of a job in frightening them to give up their cash. If they still resisted he would pull up his shirt and show them his scars from an unfortunate car accident he was in.
Konan, Pein, and the orange-haired fellow were once again at each other's throats, Anko had to break them up three times in total, but the boys never really stopped fighting over the young bluenette.
Sasori and another redheaded, eyebrowless kid were attempting to bury Deidara alive, however he seemed to enjoy it, every time he was almost compleatly covered he would jump up from the sand making explosion noises. When the redheads finally grew tired of this they abandoned Deidara to go play hopschotch when a boy and girl who Anko could only assume were the other's kids siblings, started to pick on them. She interrupted that, and the peace lasted only a second before the siblings had all turned on Sasori and started throwing sand in his face. Then Deidara came to the rescue only to be pushed down and scrape his elbow. He was taken inside to the nurse and the three siblings were sent to the principals office.
Itachi just sat on the merry-go-round peacefully, and after awhile Kisame finally snuck over and joined him. It seemed they'd wordlessly made up. After a few minutes Itachi was actually laughing and playing with the shark-lover, seeing who could spin the merry-go-round the fastest. Of course, being the children they were, after it was going at a very unsafe speed, they both grabbed onto the bars and were flung around in circles, laughing hysterically until they couldn't hold on anymore and went flying out onto the sand. Kisame ended up colliding with Kakuzu and they got into a small fistfight.
Itachi also went to the nurse, he'd gotten sand in his eyes and was having a small panic-attack.
Zetsu and Tobi were yet again feasting on the grass just outside of the fence, with Tobi reaching out and plucking each blade and dropping it into Zetsu's open mouth.
Anko finally stood back and sighed. Only 5 minutes left to go. Apparently they needed to have their parents start signing release forms before they were enrolled here.
-o-
With everyone back in class, and after Shizune had taken a couple aspirin and had a cold compress put against her temple, she spoke to the class.
"Okay kids. I decided to-Deidara stop making faces at Sasori! ... I decided to make a seating arrangement. Everyone will have at least one empty chair in between them, and no one will be sitting by anyone else that gets them into trouble. Hidan, put the paperclip down, and give me that rubber-band."
Shizune directed everyone to stand up, and little by little she had them all sitting in the order she had explained.
Deidara sat on the right side of Itachi nearest to the wall. Kakuzu sat on his left, then Sasori, then Kisame, then Pein, then Hidan, then Konan, then Tobi, with Zetsu sitting against the far left wall. Each with an empty seat in between them, as stated. When she finally had them all sorted out, there was only 20 minutes left of the day, thank God. And thank god Kindergarten only went on for half-days. She didn't know how much more of this she could take. Unfortunately, Izuma popped his head in the door, informing her that she had an urgent phonecall.
"Stay. In your seats. I mean it." She said, stareing at each child intently. "I'll be right back. If there's so much as a hair out of place when I get back, there's gonna be some serious punishment."
The kids nodded silently in unison, and watched her leave.
As soon as the latch clicked behind her, Hidan hopped up out of his seat.
"Are you coo-coo? Sit down!" Konan hissed.
"Hidan don't you dare get us in trouble." Kakuzu growled.
"Relax I just wanna sharpen my pencil you bunch of turd-nuggets. Geez."
"You stupid-head that's a crayon!" Kisame said.
"You're a darn crayon!" Hidan snapped back, throwing it at him.
Kisame caught it and mixed it in with the rest of his. "There, now you have to sit back down."
"You ugly fish-brain! Give it back!"
"Hidan, just sit down, hm! Teacher's gonna be back any second!"
"Shut up blondie."
"Make me yeah!" Deidara pushed himself out, stood up and stuck his chest out upon this dare.
"Oh please, you're as threatening as a kitten." Sasori chuckled, rewarding him a slap to the back of the head. This of course started a brawl. If you want to call hair pulling and slapping a brawl.
"Hidan just sit down, and you two artists, knock it off."
"You can't tell me what to do stitches." Hidan sneered, crossing his arms proudly.
"What did you call me?" Kakuzu growled, his eyes lighting up with anger.
"What you gonna do scar-face?" Hidan's eyes went wide and he turned to run after he spoke, but didn't make it far. Kakuzu was on him like a fat kid on a cupcake. He had Hidan flat on his stomache, was straddled across him and was slamming his face repeatedly into the ground.
"Oh my God! You're making him bleed!" Tobi screeched.
"You're gonna be bald by the time I'm done with you brat!" Sasori yelled, ripping out a clumb of Deidara's hair. The blonde boy squealed in pain and bit down into Sasori's arm. Sasori kicked him in the shin.
Zetsu made his way back over to the remaining plants at the window. he grabbed each plant by the pot it was in and poured the contents like a drink into his mouth. Potting soil and foliage fell out all over the ground.
"Guys! Can't you just stop being so dumb and get along!?" Konan cried.
"Yea easy for you to say, miss I'm-a-girl-which-makes-me-better-than-all-of-you!" Nagato yelled.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about!"
"Oh would you just back off you stupid ginger freak!"
Pein gasped, and then threw the mother of all tantrums, falling to the floor and thrashing wildly around as he cried. Konan of course instantly regretted what she had said and did what she could to console him. But she had just went to far. In her desperation, she too, began to cry.
"Get off Kakuzu-san!" Tobi squealed, shoving Kakuzu as hard as he could. He succeeded in getting the dark-skinned boy off Hidan, but then Hidan quickly picked himself up and went after Tobi for some reason I don't think he even knows. He chased him all around the room, nose bleeding, forehead bruised, eye nearly swollen shut. Tobi frantically grabbed anything that wasn't to heavy and tossed it behind him, hoping to slow the crazed albino. Eventually he yelled out an apology to Kakuzu, dove behind the older boy, and pleaded for him to keep Tobi safe.
This didn't deterr Hidan at all of course, he just leaped up and full on body slammed Kakuzu, and they both fell back on top of Tobi, kicking and punching and clawing and biting and any other means of causing injury.
Sasori and Deidara had somehow gotten on seperate sides of the room, and were throwing books, markers, empty lunch pails, anything they could find, at each other.
Itachi and Kisame just sat in their seats for a moment, perplexed. After a short conversation, they decided it would be a good idea to try and break up all the fighting. Of course, their attempts failed miserabley, and in turn they were dragged into the madness.
Then the door slammed open, and everyone froze with statue-like stillness.
Shizune regarded them with an eerie calmness, and then took a step back out into the hall, motioning to someone else.
"See what you can do with them, I'm at my wits end, Tsunade-sama." She breathed.
Then, like Godzilla invading Japan, all hell broke loose.
The blonde woman stormed into the room, screaming at the top of her lungs. All the children panicked and fled, except for there was nowhere to flee. They ran in circles, they ran into each other, they tripped and trampled each other. Tsunade didn't even have to do anything, in fact she was fighting a laugh now. These kids were absolutly terrified. And terrified they should be. She could hear them all the way down the hall in the office while Shizune was on the phone.
Finally, they wore themselves out, and gathered in the corner, whimpering like puppies.
"Now listen here. ALL of your parents are going to be contacted, and informed of your actions today. And tomarrow when you come back, IF you come back, you're going to behave like normal, civilized human beings. Or SO HELP ME I will make your school year miserable!"
The children just stared up at her, wide-eyed.
"Understand?"
The kids all nodded simultaneously.
"I said DO YOU UNDERSTAND!"
"We understand Vice-Principal Tsunade!" They choroused.
"Very good. now gather your things, the bell is due to ring in..." She looked at her watch. "Ten seconds. I expect all of you to think throughly of your actions today while your parents are punishing you, and come back with a new outlook tomarrow."
The kids nodded and scrambled to collect their backpacks, and the final bell finally rang.
"You're dismissed." Tsunade said softly, and she and Shizune dissapeared down the hallway, not even offering to guide them outside.
-o-
"I'm not scared of her." Hidan stated loudly. They were now all outside sitting on the steps, waiting for their rides home.
"What? You practically wetted yourself!" Kisame said.
"Tobi wetted himself." Tobi admitted quietly.
"That's disgusting." Sasori said. "And you were all afraid, even Itachi was scared."
"Not true." Itachi replied calmly. "I was just doing what everyone else was."
"You liar!" Teased Hidan, "I saw you clinging to your boyfriend for dear life when she came in!"
Itachi and Kisame both glared daggars at the albino boy.
"I think we were all scared, hm. Anyone who says they weren't is just lieing to themselves. That lady is terrifying."
"Someone told me she killed a kid just for chewing gum too loudly." Konan sqeaked.
"I heard that too, and that she threw a girl through the wall for takling out of turn." Pein said.
"That's rediculous." interrupted Kakuzu. "She wouldn't still be working here if she did that. She'd be in jail. You're all being stupid."
"I say we agree to disagree..." Sasori Muttered, Zetsu grunted in agreement.
Everyone nodded, and after an akward silence, their parents started arriving.
They left, one by one, until there was no one left, and the school was empty.
"Why couldn't they just get along like that all day?" Shizune muttered, having been standing on the balcony above them.
"Because you're a pushover." Tsunade replied, putting out a cigarette.
"Oh please, Kakashi and Anko had trouble with them too."
"You're all pushovers. They're not little babies anymore, you can't coddle them so."
"Uh huh, who are you to lecture people about taking care of kids. You're so old, you couldn't have kids if you wanted to."
The ambulance was called soon after. Someone reported a woman being thrown off a second-floor balcony.
~x~
A/N-
Well. Lol, I honestly had NO idea how to end that. Let it be said that I don't really think Tsunade is that much of a badass. But just her temper and demeanor would come off as scary for a bunch of little kids.
Speaking of which, I know they were probably acting more like middle school kids than a bunch of 5 year olds, but it would have been boring if I'd made them actually act their age.
But yeah, anyway, this was just a fun little crack I've had stuck in my head for awhile, and now that it's out, maybe I can finally finish my other slightly more serious (are any of my fics ever 100% serious?) one that's been sitting on the shelf collecting dust that you don't even know about so I don't know why I'm telling you.
Oh, also, I didn't go to the library this time, so I didn't spell check. Forgive any errors as there's probably many of them.
So yea, REVIEW! Please! Feedback is what keeps me going. I need to know how I can improve and such.