Loneliness and depression; two things that Jackson Overland Frost knows far too well. They have plagued him for years. They would hang around like a dark cloud that shifts long enough to let the sunlight in and to bring hope for clearer skies before returning to remind him that he can never fully be rid of the darkness.
He remembered the first time that he saw her at the support group. The very same group that his mum had forced him to attend. His first thought was that she was too beautiful, too flawless to be depressed. Girls who looked as perfect as she did, should not be attending groups for depression. He remembered mentioning it to his mum, telling her that he'd seen an angel and that she should not be sad. His mum had scolded him before stating that depression could affect anyone regardless of their appearance. She pointed out that just because someone may appear to have it all together, it didn't mean that they weren't suffering or fighting their own hidden battle.
The following week she attended the support group again. Jack noticed that she opted not to wear a sticky label with her name on. He wasn't surprised that she had chosen not to label herself. For a lot of new members, revealing their name was a personal thing, an action that often led to questions or gentle probing into the reasons that had led them to seek group help. It had taken him three weeks to reveal his name to the group. That had been the point when he'd resigned himself to attending the meetings.
Jack couldn't help but watch her over the course of the hour. She was beautiful, but sad, and she fascinated him. He watched as she nervously tugged at her long sleeves, while she listened to the tales of those brave enough to share their struggles. He noticed the way she would give the speaker the briefest of eye contact before she hung her head again.
Week three arrived and this time the angel was wearing a name tag. A simple sticky tag with the name Elsa written in neat writing, so different to his own large and messy handwriting. He smiled and thought to himself how her name was as beautiful as she was. He's never met an 'Elsa' before, but for some reason the name suited her. She still didn't talk, but she caught his gaze briefly and smiled at him. It was a shy, fleeting smile before she dropped her gaze and looked away, wrapping her arms around her tiny waist.
Four weeks into Elsa joining the group and Jack no longer dreaded going. Instead, he looked forward to the group meetings. Not only are the lessons he's learning finally starting to sink in and he's felt good, but he also has a chance to study Elsa. He found her fascinating and beautiful. She was an enigma to him and he wanted to know more.
She's still not said anything to him, although she switched seats to take the chair next to his, where she gave him a shy smile when he sat down. He watched as she pulled out the book of positive affirmations that the group leader gives to all members. His eyes noticed the small snowflake sticker she had pressed to the top left corner and he wondered if she found solace in the beauty of winter like he does. She caught him staring and gave him a small smile before she ran her finger over the sticker.
Elsa had been attending his group for five weeks and while she still hadn't said anything, Jack had started to notice the small things about her. He noticed the way she kept to herself saying nothing more than 'Hello' and offering a polite nod. He saw the way she always gave eye contact to the speaker - the only time she didn't is when someone met her gaze - then she dropped it and looked down at her feet. He saw the way she sat with poise with her back straight, legs neatly tucked under, but her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. She would hug the book of positive affirmations to her chest, almost as if she was scared someone would take it from her. She continued to take the chair next to him and he wondered if it was because she's comfortable with him, or if it's just by chance.
Six weeks into Elsa joining the group and Jack was starting to feel better. The tablets his psychiatrist had prescribed seemed to be doing their job and he believed that he'd finally found the dosage that worked for him. He's also caught up on his sleep which has helped. Slowly he's made changes in his personal life, he started with walking the dog every day. At times he had to force himself out the house, because he'd prefer to stay curled up in bed, but once he's outside it's okay. Besides, his dog always seemed so happy to be outside and that happiness was infectious.
He contemplated quitting the group, but his mother refused and told him that he still had lessons to learn. She'd seen this cycle before. It's a period of happiness in amongst the sadness and she wanted to see him learn to cope with the dark days. She said it was the happy days, the positive days when Jack must make more of an effort, just so he can be prepared to fight his mind on the darker days.
Elsa had been coming to Jack's group for seven weeks and always took the seat next to his. This time she greeted him by name, which startled him. He asked her how she knew his name and she let out a faint giggle, she then pointed out that he was wearing a name tag. Blushing, he looked down and realised she was right. His name tag was right there, sitting above his left chest. He shrugged, telling her that his mind was distracted and he was too caught up with thinking about all the work he has to do when he gets home. She smiled at him and while it was a nice smile he thought it'd be prettier if it reached her eyes.
By the ninth week, he'd learnt a bit more about Elsa. This was the week when she actually spoke in group, telling the small crowd that she was a 'Monster' and that she hates herself. The rest of the members all nod and offer her a weak smile. Jack knew that they want to reach out and tell her that she's not a monster, but they can't, not yet. She needed to express herself, it's part of the healing process, and so they sat patiently and waited for her to say something more, but she didn't. Instead, an older man spoke up and recounted his own battles which shifted the attention away from Elsa. Still, Jack's eyes had focused on Elsa and he noticed the lone tear that had fallen from her eyes. He wished that he could have leaned over and wiped the tear away, because a girl as beautiful as Elsa should never shed a tear, but he couldn't. Instead, he reached into his pocket to pull out a small packet of tissues and offered one to her.
It was not until the tenth week that Jack saw the first 'real' smile from Elsa. He was outside waiting for his mum to pick him up when he noticed a girl with strawberry-blonde hair arrive to pick Elsa up. The girl was heavily pregnant and very, very loud, but not in an obnoxious way. Her happy voice reached Jack's ears as she chatted to Elsa. She was eagerly talking about having her last appointment prior to giving birth to the baby and a 'Kristoff' who became queasy when asked if he planned to cut the cord. Jack found himself smiling at the girl's happiness. He noticed the way Elsa's face lit up as she gently placed her hand on the girl's bump. A few seconds later she removed the hand and giggled softly. He laughed and watched as the pregnant girl pretended to scold her bump, telling the unborn child to not kick her Aunt Elsa. By the time Elsa slipped into the car he had learned that Kristoff was the brother-in-law and the girl was her sister, Anna.
Jack had a challenging week. A few days had proven tough and he had to fight his inner thoughts to remind himself that he's had plenty of bad moments in the past and each time he had survived. He hoped that by the time he arrived at group, he would feel better. If not he'd at least have the chance to see Elsa.
His mind is now officially stuck on Elsa. Now that he'd seen her smile it had become clear what his mission was. He was destined to find a way to make her smile, to show her that she is not the monster she claimed to be. He wanted to give her hope and also to present her with a small gift.
He had been cleaning out his bedroom the night before and had found a snowflake pendant that he didn't know he had and it reminded him of her. He'd looked at it and decided that he would give it to her. He hoped that she wouldn't think him weird. After all, they had only 'known' each other for a short time and they did 'meet' in a depression support group. Still, his intentions were pure. While he'd like nothing more than to form a friendship with her, he was wise enough to move slowly so that she could feel safe and secure.
He felt hopeful for the first time in almost a week when he slipped into the hall. His eyes fell on the chair that Elsa normally sat on and he noted that it was empty which was weird because she was always punctual. Frowning, he took his seat. He slipped his hand into his pocket and held the pendant all the while praying that she was okay. The session continued and people acted as normal. They were all too caught up in their own lives to notice the angel that was missing.
Jack tried to pay attention, but he couldn't because he was filled with concern for Elsa. He shook his head as he got ready to leave. He was being silly. He'd see Elsa the next week and it would be fine. People missed sessions all the time for all sorts of reasons. She probably had another engagement to attend to.
Jack smiled. He remembered the way her pregnant sister had come to pick her up and wondered if the baby had been born. He found himself curious about Elsa's family. He knew, from what he overheard, that the baby was a girl, which was nice. Elsa would love having a little niece to dote on. He knew without a doubt that Elsa would be the world's best aunt and her niece was going to love her.
Jack burst into the hall for the twelfth week of Elsa attending. Luckily he'd remembered to slip the snowflake pendant into his pocket and was ready to give it to her. Again, he noticed that she was not there. Her absence had him worried, but he reasoned with himself that her sister may have given birth. It had been obvious to him, by the way her face had lit up, that Elsa and her sister were close. He hoped that the baby has been born and that Elsa was enjoying being an aunt. He left the session certain that it would be lucky week thirteen when he could finally give Elsa the pendant.
Week thirteen came and Jack was running late. He had to catch the bus and traffic was awful. He was out of breath by the time he burst in the room because he sprinted from the bus stop to the hall, eager to give Elsa the pendant. His eyes fell on the group and he noticed the way they were eerily quiet and there was still no sign of Elsa. He could feel a lump forming in his throat as he gave a small wave before taking his seat. Something was wrong, he can tell.
Jack skipped the fourteenth week. He'd had the week from hell and he didn't want to be there. His mum had been supportive and had allowed him the time to grieve. He'd asked for silence in the hour that he would normally spend sitting beside her. Instead of passing the pendant into her hands, he had slipped it inside a light blue balloon with her name written on it. He watched as the balloon floated into the sky. He cried and buried his head on his mum's shoulder. He wished he had said something to Elsa earlier, but he didn't.
A/Note- Argh- I'm really sorry to do this. I'd like to say at the end of this, if you EVER feel low, PLEASE reach out, tell someone. Don't feel like you have to bottle it up, there is always someone who cares.