Equation of a Noah
"Fourteenth, this is your sister, right~?"
"I'm afraid I wouldn't know yet, Nii-sama. She's not quite awakened."
Rhode was tired. She was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of losing, tired of trying. She had just gotten so tired of trying to figure whether what she tasted was real, what she saw was real.
Rhode slept. She slept soundly. She pranced through her dreams, colours becoming sounds and tastes becomes visions as her domain melted, melted against the stress of keeping it together.
Rhode hated Road.
She hated the dark skinned, golden eyed girl who had haunted her dreams, whispering sweet nothing in her ear until she decided it wasn't worth shivering anymore. She hated the girl who entered her dreams silently, grinning like a cat and telling her that she couldn't win, the girl who chased her through the deep forests of her mind and caused her to lose her way.
Rhode was lost.
Road had long since taken over, and Rhode was trapped. Trapped, like an animal, like a pet that her master would sometimes let stalk the dream world, in the shape of the cat who she herself had once been.
Rhode was still lost, still trying to find her way out, her way back to the surface, but Road's grip was strong. Road held her captive in her own mind, and Rhode was never allowed to sleep. Rhode was forced to watch as Road killed, slaughtered, destroyed. Rhode watched as her possessor with no morals did what she wanted.
Rhode fought with Road a lot. She argued until her voice hurt, and still Road won. And mostly, it wasn't fighting that mattered, but it always mattered to her.
Road always wins.
She's a terrible gloater, her.
Rhode could see – Rhode could see, Rhode could watch, watch as children were killed and women and men beheaded or gutted or dissected by her hand , Rhode could watch, but never could she close her eyes.
Rhode could hear - Rhode could hear with painful clarity the piercing screams of those dying and those left behind, hear the cackle uttered by her mouth, hear and hear and hear, but never could she help.
Rhode could taste – Taste the sugary sweet lollipop in her mouth, taste the tang of blood, and she was forced to swallow, even if she wanted to throw up.
Rhode could feel.
Rhode could feel her breaking, feel as her nails dug deep half moons into her skin as she screamed for Road to stop! Stop it please! but Road never listened, because Road never had to.
Rhode could feel the blood on her hands, invisible but tangible, dripping off of her hands, mocking her uselessness.
She could feel as Road stuck her hand into a man's stomach and pulled out his intestines, and she could feel it but she could not stop Road, no matter how much she tried.
Road would never listen to Rhode, because Road had won. Road had consumed everything.
Rhode had lost, because Road always wins.
"Nii-sama, she's the right one?"
"Ne~ Ne~ Of course, brother dear. Who else has such a taste for the… delightful."
"But so young…"
"You yourself will always be the youngest, Fourteenth, never forget that."
Rhode decided to give up, after 20 years. Rhode decided that it wasn't worth it, fighting so hard and caring so hard that she shook at night, crying for the people Road had destroyed.
For fifteen years, Rhode slept, and Road felt nothing at all, besides boredom.
Road was bored. Rhode wouldn't play with her, and Road was bored.
She tried coaxing her back out, but it wasn't working, and Road began to worry, because this was her toy, dammit, and nothing would take that away.
Rhode, she decided, was broke, so Road needed a new toy.
But good toys are hard to find, so Road just stayed bored, until one day, she saw a pretty little girl and really pretty boy together, and they were kind of weird looking, but she didn't care, because oooooh, what good toys they would make!
She dressed them up, and made them pretty, and gave them a new life, but ungrateful little bastards, they'd never thanked her, just threatened her, and Road had long since learned that every good dog will only behave if first broken in.
Somewhere, Rhode stirs in her unconsciousness, and Road is disgusted, because of course she'd only return after she'd already found a new toy. Useless brat, stupid human.
Something, though in Rhode wakes up because of.. the girl? No, definitely not the girl, the boy. How… delightful. Little Rhode has a crush on an exorcist~!
But old dogs must first be punished for refusing to learn any new tricks, and Road isn't a very nice master.
So, Rhode watches the flirting, the kissing, and slowly, slowly, hatred for this… thing permeates through her entire being, until it smoulders, and Rhode is not going to lose, not this time, not to her again.
Road's still playing, after all. She thinks the world is such a game, that she'll always win, but she's not immune to underestimating her foes.
She's done it, this time, she has, and though Road doesn't doubt that Rhode is still her plaything, Rhode does.
"Did you feel that, Tyki-pon~? I think Road is finally having fun again~!"
"But when did it stop, Earl?"
"… Never mind that, Tyki. It was long before your time."
Slowly, slowly, love. Don't rush back into the world so quickly, love, otherwise you may just die. Rhode inches back into the world of the living, as though along the side of a mountain, but as soon as she takes the first, feeble step back into the sunlight, she feels as though she's going to throw up.
Look around, love, and take in all you've caused. There's a lot of blood, and a pretty girl in a pretty dress who looks as though she hates her, and a white haired boy with blood all over who stares at her with rage and sorrow, and he looks through her and into her, into Road, and she does throw up this time, even if it's just in her head, because oh god, there are so many dead and she's only human, even if Road isn't
Love, love, so good to have you back. But hurry, love, because you're losing the race already. There was guilt, and pain, and déjà-vu, because once again, Rhode was powerless next to Road. Honestly, you'd think she'd be used to it, but Road needs to get lost, to be gone, to die, and even thinking that word sends shivers of pleasure up her spine, and at the time, revulsion, because she can't kill anyone.
Love, love, deary. You can't kill me, love, I am you.
Allen is that boy's name, she hears the pretty asian girl yell it out as he jumps into a trap. Allen. She says it a few times, lets the name roll off her tongue, Allen, and it's lovely, and since she can't kill Road, maybe he will for her.
Because Rhode could see, see the contempt in his eyes, the loathing the first time the met, the horror as she (ROAD!) killed the akuma, and it made her want to scream It's not me it's not me don't believe what she's saying, but she can't.
Because as far as he is concerned, she doesn't exist. Rhode doesn't exist anymore, only perfect pretty Road.
Even after all this time, even after fighting for so long, Rhode is still losing to Road.
It's still Infinity to 1.
She got the one, though, right? And that's pretty good, right?
Rhode got her one. Rhode takes over at night, her mind being the active one, the dreams, because nothing scares Road, and nothing could ever possibly hurt Road, so she doesn't care.
Rhode sulk in an abandoned corner of mind and thinks that it's not really a win, but she's going take it because it's probably the closest thing she'll ever have.
Rhode hates Road with a passion, and Road laughs cruelly because hatred breeds understanding.
"You know Allen, I really like you, but family comes first."
"You know Allen, I really like you, so I need you to kill them all."
"Allen! You came!"
"Allen! Save me!"
"Allen!"
"Allen!"
"Allen!"
She wonders when exactly they became the same again, before sinking back into oblivion.
Rhode will never win. Rhode has never won.
Rhode has finally broken.