September 25, 2011

Dear Diary,

Last year ended great. It was the first year of high school. I got to meet new people from other schools and become friends with them. Some of us are the best of friends now after one year of getting to know each other. It's great. Everyone had an amazing time, even with all the extra homework we were getting. We all had teen drama, lots of stress, and we even had a little romance.

But now it's the fourth week of grade 10 and already I feel an old relationship getting stronger. I know that even though we only have one class together, same class as last year, but it seems like I know him much better than last year.

It started the year before when we met again for the first time since he moved away in grade 5. It was a little awkward, and my nerves were going crazy, but it was a good feeling. The kind you get when you're trying something exciting for the first time.

As the year progressed we talked more and laughed more and you asked me for help with all of your assignments. It was as if I was the only one who knew what to do and he thought I knew it all. But I loved the attention. No one had ever given me that kind of attention before. Since the school year ended, we haven't seen each other during summer holidays. All we saw of each other were the changing Facebook statuses.

Now were in grade 10 and even though it's only been three and a half weeks, I feel like we have gotten so much closer. I am almost sure of myself this year that maybe he feels the same way about me. I can be a very observant person and I have noticed that, unlike last year, he says "hey" to me in the halls and when I walk into class now.

He talks to me about more complex subjects and he brings up conversations that I barely remember having with him. I recall that one conversation we had last week about how his hockey team played my cousin's team and how they beat my cousin's hockey team with a score of 5-2. I remember myself being there with my two siblings and my other cousins and posting on his wall "Hey! I'm at your hockey game against Portage. Nice goals!" He tells me he remembers exactly what I wrote. Having a guy remember 8 months later what you posted on his wall means a lot. At least it does to me. For me, it means that he cares enough to not forget things that aren't really that important.

When he looks at me when we talk, he looks straight into my eyes. As if he thinks that if he keeps looking he'll know all my secrets and wishes. But it's not just him. I try and do the same. I stare into his hazel eyes when we speak. It can be very welcoming sometimes and makes my heart start racing at other times. It beats so fast sometimes that I'm afraid he can hear it and be able to tell what I'm feeling at the moment.

But I got a text the other day that just complicates everything for me. It just completely confused me. The friends-of-the-family's son, who's a year older, has told me that he loves me, and he has for a while now. On a scale from 1-10 he told me 7. I don't feel the same way about him. He's more like family for me, and he's not what I consider Boyfriend Material. He can be very degrading to girls with some of the things he says. He doesn't get that I'm not into him in that way. He keeps pressuring me to think about us together and what would happen if I didn't think of us as family.

He also thinks that I don't truly have a thing with the guy from Home Ec. He thinks that it's just a stupid crush and that this guy doesn't actually like me back, he's just stringing me along. I don't believe that at all. I may just be saying this because I don't want to believe it, but it doesn't matter to me. Things have changed between us and I think we actually have a strong connection now.

Even his friends are starting to act weird and different around me, and as I said before, I pick up on these things. I notice them all. They start saying hi to me all the time, just like he does, and they talk about him to me more also. I don't want to sound creepy by saying that I overheard a conversation he had about who he liked, but I said it so, think what you think. It may sound cheesy but every time I got up to get supplies for Home Ec. and I passed his table he would get all quiet and secretive. After he told his friend who he liked, his friend started getting all weird around me.

So again, it may sound like a teen romance novel at the moment, but this is what I choose to believe and if I'm wrong, then oh well. People make mistakes and you move on. I was wrong last time and I got over it. But I guess I'll have to wait a couple more weeks to see if anything happens. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. A girl can hope.