Except for the copy of the game I own that works only when it feels like it, I don't own Final Fantasy VII.

Bleary-eyed and drunk, Reno stared at the tiny ceramic cup with disgust.

Sitting on bar-top, the evil little cup stared right back at him.

"Who the hell serves booze in a fucking teacup?" Reno asked.

The cup was mockingly silent.

"Yeah, I hate you too asshole." Snatching the thing from the bar, he downed the contents in a single, shallow swig.

This was definitely the last time Elena picks the vacation spot. In what seemed like a very long forever, there was absolutely nothing to do. Meteor was gone, Sephiroth was dead, the planet was safe; all was fucking right with the world.

Well… Reno's inebriated train of thought slowly admitted. Midgar was now the world's biggest garbage dump, ShinRa Company's world-spanning Empire was reduced to pretty much just the Turks and Rufus, and gods-knew how many people's lives were in utter crap-splattered shambles.

But hey, it could be worse.

They could all be dead.

Reno looked mournfully into the empty cup. Its contents had been emptied painfully quick.

Maybe death ain't so bad…

The Turk reconsidered that. The hell am I saying? That's just the crappy booze talkin'

"Oi, Barkeep!" he bellowed. He gestured at his empty drink. "Y'think you can give me some stronger stuff than this shit? And gimmie a bigger cup while you're at it; stop holdin' out on me."

The Turks finally get a Vacation to celebrate the world not ending, and where does Elena brilliantly choose to have their R&R? Fuckin' Wutai.

"The last time we went there, some fat, slobby perv kidnapped you and tied you to a cliff wall! Why the hell would'ya wanna go back there for?"

"I was having a nice time before that happened," she had replied stubbornly. "And if you had spent less time getting drunk in a bar while I was being kidnapped, you'd know what I was talking about!"

Offended, Reno snorted. "Hey, I don't put down your way of life. And who would have expected someone grabbing you for a thigh session?"

"What the hell's that supposed to mean!" she demanded hotly.

Reno had laughed. Not an excellent choice, in hindsight. "Oh please. I wouldn't hit you even if you wrapped your legs around me…well, maybe then…"

Elena hits hard, as it turned out. Or maybe the groin was just a puss.

Either way, Reno was on the ground...fast. "We're going to Wutai," Elena repeated. Reno decided it wasn't that big enough a deal to argue.

Not all the Turks took advantage of their paid-vacation time. Tseng stayed behind with President ShinRa, ol' Rufus was still wheelchair-bound after his argument with that collapsing building. Frankly, Reno wasn't all that surprised when Tseng volunteered for nurse-duty. Hell, he deserved the break more than the rest of them after getting stabbed by Sephiroth.

Staying behind was Tseng's vacation.

From Elena.

That girl was Goddamn persistent.

'Senpai! Senpai!' Just thinking about it gave Reno the urge to smash his head against the nearest and most resistant surface…again.

"Hey Barkeep!" he balled again, louder this time. "Mind gettin' me some actual booze? And just leave the bottle; these teacups are slowing me down!"

The owner- a bald-headed, burly Wutai man- growled at Reno as he polished the glistening wood bar with a dirty cloth. "Shut your whining ass, Turk. I already gave you the best sake in the house, so just shut the hell up and drink out of the cups the rest of Wutai drinks with."

Reno blinked. "Sake?" he slurred. "The hell is that? Wutai for 'piss water'? The hell's wrong with this country? I'm just askin' for something that can actually give me a fuckin' buzz!"

Another of the bar's patrons slammed his fist onto the counter, rattling Reno's glass. The man was tall and intimidating, long black hair tied back in a warrior ponytail as he stood next to the Turk threateningly. "Show some respect, ShinRa lapdog! We don't appreciate foreigners coming in and making ours ears bleed with his drunken ranting!"

Reno lazily craned his head to the man. "Oooooohh….I see how it is…ShinRa kicked Wutai's ass back in the war, cockbite. Don't be such a sore loser, I'm just asking for a Vodka or somthin'…"

The heckler was red-faced now. "You've got a lot of nerve for someone drunk off his ass, Pretty-Boy!"

It took a moment for Reno to process the insult. The Turks drunken, unfocused eyes suddenly sharpened. He stood himself up languidly, staring down the man with narrowing eyes. "Say that again to my face…"

He took Reno's challenge, facing the Turk nose to nose. "I said… 'You've got a lot of nerve for someone drunk off his skinny white ass, Pretty-Boy!'"

When Reno didn't reply, the man grinned triumphantly. "There, I said it to your face. You going to do anything about it, ShinRa Dog?"

"Nah, I just wanted you look at me so my buddy could get behind ya."

Seizing the man's shoulders from behind, Rude easily lifted the heckler and threw him aside onto a nearby table. The other customers scattered when the flying man's weight brought the flimsy table and their drinks crashing to the floor.

Reno chuckled. "See? That's why you guys lost. Superior tactics."

Rude stiffened. "Don't taunt them…"

His partner waved him off, turning back to bar-counter. "Aw, don't worry about it Rude. What're they gonna do?"

After Rude insistently tapped his shoulder several times, Reno finally turned and followed his pointing finger. The rest of the bar was actually quite full. Mostly with drunk, offended, and temperamental Wutai men.

And they were gathering into a large, drunk, offended, and officially pissed off crowd.

Reno tapped himself on the side of the head. "Oh right. They could do that…"

Suddenly, the barkeep sprung from behind the bar, a heavy katana raised over his head. "HIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAA!"

His baton snapping out, Reno prodded him with the crackling, electric end. The barkeep spasmed a moment, then lost the grip on his sword and fell back behind the counter. "'Hiiiiiyaaaa' yourself."

That just left the rest of the angry mob. Perhaps two or three dozen in all.

Rude shook his head. "You really have a way with people, Aibo."

The red-headed Turk shrugged. "I don't know what you're complainin' about, yo. My vacations just aren't complete without a good old fashioned barfight."

"Your vacations maybe."

"What're we waiting for?" someone from the crowd shouted. "Let's get 'em!"

Ten minutes later, the crowd of cutthroats carpeted the bar in a wide, unconscious heap. Bruised in several places but grinning regardless, Reno leaned casually against the bar, tapping his baton on his shoulder. "See, that wasn't so bad, was it Rude?"

Cracking his leather-gloved fists, Rude stood in just about the only clear, untouched spot in the entire ruined bar. A thick, multi-layered pile of groaning men orbited around his feet. Other than the wrinkles he was smoothing on his suit, the bald-headed Turk was otherwise untouched.

Reno nodded to himself. "S'what I thought."

Reaching behind the bar, Reno fished a dusty bottle. "Thirty year-old Scotch? I knew the sunnofabitch was holdin' out on me! I think I'll just have some on the House."

The Turks twisted around when the already askew door crashed in. Rude was immediately in a fighting stance…Reno busily trying to chew off the bottle's stubborn top.

A lithe girl no older than sixteen stood in the doorway. Low-cut shorts barely reaching her thighs clung tightly to her waist, the small black top decorated with Eastern cheery blossoms she wore didn't properly cover the curves of her stomach.

The girl gawked when she saw the Turks. "You guys? Gawd! I should've know you two were behind this!"

"Hey!" Reno hollered with recognition. "It's that Ninja chick that hung out with Cloud and his posse! What was her name again? Started with a…Y….? Help me out here Rude…"

"Yuffie! My name's Yuffie, baka!"

Reno rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"What are you doing here?" Rude asked.

The Kisaragi heiress gave the two a glowering look. "I heard some asshole foreigner started a barfight in here, I came to break it up before people got hurt."

The Scotch's cork coming off with a pleasing pop, Reno spat the top out ofhis mouth and gulped down a long draught. "Awww. That's real sweet of ya Yumi-"

The kunoichi crossed her arms. "Yuffie."

Reno ignored her. "-but we don't really need any help. We took care of these guys pretty easy, right Rude?"

"I came to stop the barfight YOU started, dumbass!" Yuffie snarled.

"Hey, it wasn't my fault," he said innocently. "All I wanted was something stronger than this 'saw-key' crap, and they went schizo on us!"

"Sake," Rude corrected quietly.

Reno threw his arms up. "Who the fuck cares!" Then helped himself to another drink.

But Yuffie wasn't finished yet, it seemed. "You're guests here! I don't appreciate you causing trouble in my country."

"Whoa, cool yer jets there Yuppie-"

"Yuffie!"

"Whatever. Don't get your panties in a bunch. It's not like you own this whole country your Majesty."

"I'm the Princess of Wutai." She pointed out.

"Really? Damn, I didn't know that. Hey Rude, did you know this brat's royalty and shit?"

Sighing wearily, the bald Turk nodded his head.

"RENO!"

Elena's voice broke into the bar.

Wincing, he took another long helping of scotch. A long one.

Unlike her co-workers, Elena had dressed out of her uniform for the vacation, preferring a pink, floral sundress over the Turks' blue business suit.

Angry as she was, Elena was a deeper shade than her dress. "I leave you alone at a bar for a few hours to do some souvenir shopping and what do you do?"

"Is this a trick question?"

Apparently not. "You tear up the whole damn place in a barfight! What the hell's the matter with you?"

"I just wanted booooooze!"

She turned her wrath to Rude, who adjusted his tie uneasily. "You were supposed to be watching him! You call this watching him?"

The blonde paused when she suddenly noticed Yuffie standing wide-eyed nearby. "Oh, hi Yuffie." She waved cheerfully.

Reno snapped his fingers. "Yuffie! That was it!"

"Shut up, Reno!" both girls said at once, then they laughed.

"I'm so sorry about these two," Elena said to Yuffie. "They're hopeless, really."

But the Princess laughed. "Nah, it's alright. Things have been so boring here. The second I heard a fight broke out here, I bolted. I'm only really angry 'cause I missed out on the whole thing."

Elena giggled.

Lost, Reno stared a Yuffie. "So……am I off the hook?"

"Don't even bet on it. And stop staring at my ass."

Reno laughed. Not an excellent choice…he didn't really learn. "Hey, I don't need to stare at some flat-chested, underage girl's ass. Even I got standards."

"Reno!" Elena admonished.

But he still went on. "Now, Tifa? That babe's got a rack." Waltzing up to Rude, he elbowed him lightly. "Am I right man? That girl is sweet! You really know how to pick 'em, yo. Not like these girls; what are they, fuckin' A-cups?"

Eying the girls warily, Rude slowly backed away from Reno.

Reno didn't notice something was amiss until he heard Yuffie crack her knuckles. "Aw shi-"

As it turned out, Yuffie hits harder.

Linking arms, Yuffie and Elena walked out of the bar happily. "Wutai's a great place, Elena, I'll show you around to the best spots those tourist brochures don't even know about. You and me'll have a blast!"

Shaking his head, Rude stared down at his partner, clutching desperately between his legs. "God dammit, Rude! That hurts like a mother fucker! Get my anesthesia!"

"Anesthesia?"

"The Scotch, yo! The fucking Scotch! Alcohol makes the pain go away…"

This fic was mostly inspired by Advent Children (the Turks are hilarious in that), a Pepsi overdose, and a few hours of reading Catch-22. FFVII has long been a favorite game of mine, and I finally want to write a fiction that does it justice (my only other FFVII fiction, Dreams of Damnation, isn't that great, honestly). This is the first humor story I've ever written, and it's just a one shot to make you laugh.

And if you didn't think this was funny…than I've obviously failed…utterly. I'm gonna go cry now.

Reviews appreciated,

-ShinobiCyrus