Disclaimer: Harry Potter world is work of J K Rowling
"What's going on between you and Vanessa?" A hesitant Tonks lingered near the library of The Black house, asking her close friend Remus Lupin who was immersed in carefully sorting out the books from the bookshelves.
"Tonks!" He looked up and graced her with a sweet smile.
"Hello." She tried to return the smile and entered inside the room a little further.
"I haven't seen you in two days." He commented, keeping the book in his hands back at its place and picking up the another, observing its first page.
"Yeah...well..." She refrained from mentioning that she was away, that she needed to take her mind off things after... after she had noticed certain changes. She needed to think. "Work..." She replied simply.
Giving her another small smile, he went back to his books. "What were you asking-?"
"I- I was asking what's going on between you and Vanessa?" She inquired again about their fellow new Order recruit, feeling less confident than she was few minutes ago.
He frowned, looking over her with curious eyes. "Nothing's going on. Why do you ask?"
She blinked and looked away searching for a reply. Vanessa was a pretty young woman in her late twenties, who had joined Order just about two months ago, in November. Lately, or to be more precise, in the past two days prior to her going MIA, she had noticed something fishy between them. Something only her eager eyes, which continuously sought Remus, would notice. They had taken to talking in hushed tones in corners or when they were alone. What made Tonks more suspicious was that whenever she or any other Order member would pass them they would break away their conversation suddenly as if intent on preventing from someone else to hear. What bothered her even more was the secret smiles that Vanessa would throw at Remus, when she thought no one was looking or the way her hand lingered on Remus's arm. To add further to her misery, Tonks had also noticed Remus and Sirius arguing in hushed tones as well, something which they didn't want others to find out. Overall, Tonks felt horribly left out and a little heartbroken.
She had her suspicions but after two days of restlessness, she had decided to ask Remus directly. She wouldn't have dared had she not been his dear friend. Ever since she had joined the Order, their friendship has bloomed, and it escaped no ones notice how close they were. She knew Remus valued her and her friendship. A friendship which she had thought was moving towards something more. But apparently or maybe, it was one sided.
Taking a deep breath and deciding that it was just Remus to whom she could ask anything, she replied: "I noticed- you two... you two acting weird... I mean you often sit close by and you talk...when you talk it's very quiet as if determined not for anyone to hear... I just wondered if there's something you haven't told me- us about."
Keeping the book back in the shelf, he turned slowly, stuffing his hands in his pockets and smiled: "Well, nothing is going on. Not yet, anyway." He added.
The relief she had felt at hearing his first sentence, vanished at hearing his second sentence.
"Meaning?" She croaked out in a weak voice, her hands going cold.
He sighed and moved towards the couch. "I mean...er... back few days ago... she... well... she said that she's sort of interested in me... and well almost asked me out." He let out a nervous chuckle.
"Oh..." She spoke meekly and sat at the armchair opposite him as her knees had started to buckle. "And...? What did you do?"
Please say you said no, please say you don't like her in that way...
"I well... I was flattered of course, I have never being asked out by a woman and I definitely didn't expect for a proposal to come at this age..."
Damn it! Why didn't I asked him out first? Why did I always hid my feelings, feelings which had started to grow long before Vanessa joined the order... And now he thinks Vanessa is something special for asking him out...
He continued: "I didn't know what to say because... I have never considered her in that light... I mean I am sure she must be a wonderful woman... but that does not necessarily mean that I have to be interested in her."
She breathed a little sigh of relief. Not all was lost then. "Why did you say then... nothing is going on yet?"
"I didn't say her a yes... but I didn't say her a no either... you know how hopeless I am in these matters. I have never done that.. rejecting someone I mean... I was afraid she would take the offense and... well we are Order colleagues and it would get awkward and...complicated. So I just said that I wasn't sure exactly because I am busy these days... She didn't get the hint properly so she said that we can go out some other day. I don't know what she understood. I fear she took my badly veiled no as a...yes... I mean I was saying I wasn't sure about... forever and she probably thought that I was taking about just few days..."
She got up and sat on the sofa next to him. She suddenly needed to be close to him in proximity.
"... and ever since that day she has been sort of hanging around me a lot... acting a bit differently... I don't know how to handle this situation..." He looked at her helplessly as he finished.
"Listen... you need to tell her-" She started desperately. "-you have to tell her in clear words that she understood... or else if you start going out with her and it doesn't work because you don't see her that way, it would get even more complicated." She needed to explain, needed to tell him that how important this was to her.
"I know that's what I ought to do but..."
"But?" She implored by placing a hand on his knee.
"Sirius... He says that I should give it a try..."
A sense of acute betrayal stabbed her heart. Sirius knew, he knew that she had feelings for Remus. As a cousin, Tonks had confided in him. Yet, he wanted for Remus to get along with Vanessa. Why? Did he really think that Tonks was all wrong for his best friend?
"...he says that he hadn't got any action in twelve-fourteen years because he was in Azkaban but I on the other hand, had no such excuse... and still he was cent percent sure about my... abstinence, without even ever me mentioning it to him. He knows me too well." He said with a rueful smile.
"Not everyone is a man whore like Sirius." She spoke bitterly.
He chuckled. "I haven't... indulged... myself in past twelve year Tonks... a difficult feat for even a non-man whore."
She had known that Remus had stayed away from women mostly because of his lycanthropy especially after his friends death. "So, you think you should just go out with her... to... for some action?" She asked in a dull tone.
"Merlin no! I am not that shallow Tonks. Besides I told you I am not interested in her. I have lived without women for so long and I assure you it was because of choice and not because of lack of opportunity."
First time since she had entered the room, she smiled a little. He didn't need to clear that because Tonks knew that if he ever were to stick around any woman for long enough, no one would be able to resist him. Part of the reason she loved him was because of the way he held himself around women. He was a man yes... but he treated the opposite sex with respect.
"So what are you going to do?" She asked, breaking from her reverie.
"Sirius then changed his track when I told him that I had no intention of using a woman- interest or no interest- for my personal pleasure. He said that every James needed a Lily and soon I will be old and alone, with very few friends but no love. And that got me thinking..."
Her heart sank and she had never felt so angry at anybody, let alone at her cousin. "What...?"Her question was half formed and in numb tone.
"I am not interested in her." He started quietly. "But that does not mean that I cannot get interested in her...in future. I mean... she's a nice person, nice one to hang out with... if I give enough time to her, maybe I can start liking her too... I can try..."
She swallowed.
Tell her Tonks, tell her you love him, tell her that there is no need for him to consider other woman...
But it wasn't that easy. Remus and her were very good friends, her blurting out her feelings had a huge potential of finishing that relationship. And he meant too much to her to let go of that friendship. He was reluctant to say no to Vanessa because he was worried about his work relationship with her. What will be the impact of Tonks's confession on their friendship?
Did that mean she should just sit and watch while someone else claimed her love?
She nodded mutely, not knowing what she was nodding to.
Suddenly he grabbed her hands in his. "What do you think? Your opinion matters the world to me." He was looking at her intensely, he was giving her the look, the same one he gave her sometimes, the same one that her got thinking wrongly that he might feel something beyond friendship too. The look in which his eyes pierced her soul.
Her hands were cold in his warm one and he gripped them tightly. "I think you should do what you think is right for you."
He looked grim as he said. "So you think I should go out with her? I should give it a try?"
She shrugged and made an odd movement with her head which was a mixture between a shake and a nod. Withdrawing her hands from his with her heart in her throat, she got up. " Listen, I'll see you later. I promised Molly I would meet her today."
But just as she had taken a few steps towards the door, Remus called her.
"Nymphadora..."
Too heartbroken to correct him for using her first name, she turned around. He had gotten up too and was facing her.
"Yes?"
"If there's any suggestion... advice you'll like to give..." He moved around the sofa and now he was at a distance of about two steps. "I mean if you think she's not right for me. I mean she's way too much like me isn't she? She likes books and she's quiet like me... if-if you think our similarities will make things boring you can tell me... You-you are about as important and dear to me as Sirius..." He took one more step and grabbed her hand again. "If you think my association with other woman would affect our friendship you can say that too...and I won't even consider it... there's no one who means to me more than you do..." He squeezed her hand.
He was trying a little too hard to not to get involved with Vanessa, Tonks noticed.
He doesn't want to get along with her Tonks, he is very reluctant... He's doing that under pressure, tell her you love him..
Placing her hand lightly on his cheek and acutely aware of the lump in her throat and stinging in her eyes she answered. "I'll be happy if you'll be happy. I-my opinion does not matter, if you think that... it can go somewhere... that you can..." She couldn't complete her sentence at the clogging in her throat.
He looked sad and placed his another hand on her hand that was on his cheek. Bowing his head a little he kissed her palm. "It doesn't feel right." He whispered.
Something in her broke at the contact of his lips to her skin.
"Oh bloody hell! Don't got out with her!" She blurted out suddenly.
It was difficult to tell who was more shocked at her outburst.
"What..."
"Remus-" She threw all the caution to the wind. "-Don't go out with her! Because- because I love you! I have loved you long before Vanessa even knew you existed. I can't bear- I won't be able to bear if I saw you with someone else!" And with that she threw her arms around his neck as as tears silently soaked his shirt.
"You... love me? Oh Dora..." He whispered as his hands loosely came around her waist.
"I am sorry Remus! I am sorry... I am sorry I hadn't meant to fall for you but I couldn't help it. But I won't force you Remus... if you like-like h-her... if you think she's perfect for you w-when I am obviously so clumsy and p-plain looking..." She choked out between her tears.
Now clutching her tightly to his chest, he almost ordered sternly. "Shut up. Shut up you silly woman, how can you think so low of yourself. To me you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on... Merlin... I love you...I have loved you for so long." He buried his face in her hairs and those words quieted her.
"What? You- you do?"
"Yes!" Pulling her away from his embrace he looked in her eyes. "I do."
"But then why did you wanted to try with Vanessa?"
"Because I never thought you would ever return my feelings. Because thinking that one day you'll meet someone, was eating me from inside... because I thought that if I could distract myself...maybe...maybe I could forget you but no I love you too much!"
"Oh Remus..." She cupped his face and looked in his anguished eyes. "How can you think so lowly of your self? You are perfect to me- perfect!"
He shook his head. "Why didn't you say anything earlier you idiot. You said I should go out with her and my all hopes were crushed. It confirmed that you can never look at me that way... and I would have taken some foolish step... what if I would have gone out with her? No one would have been happy... it would have created a huge mess... You speak too much when it's not needed but you didn't say a word when it was needed the most..."
Before she could open her mouth to offer any explanation, he had cupped the back of her head and had brought their lips together in a desperate kiss. It was way too intense and passionate for any first kiss. Even more desperate to feel his skin, she plunged her hands inside the neck of his shirt while his hands crawled beneath her shirt and settled on the naked skin of small of her back.
She withdrew in a daze. "Remus... I don't understand... Sirius..."
"What about him?" He whispered breathlessly.
"I- he knew that I liked you, loved you even then why? Why did he tried to convince you? I mean I know we are not that close but I thought he liked me and that we were getting somewhere, I trusted him then why?" She just couldn't get his behavior out of his mind. His actions had almost made her lose Remus before they had even got a chance to get together.
"He knew!" He spoke incredulously. "Are you sure because he knew that I loved you as well!" He looked confused. Though that confusion soon turned into outrage. "Damn it! That bastard! How dare he manipulate me-us?"
Tonks was a little shaken at the furious look on his face. Even though she felt even more confused and hurt that Sirius had tried to break them apart, she also knew that she had to stop Remus before he confronted Sirius in this state. It will only make the matters worse. "Maybe... maybe he was trying for us to get together and he was just provoking you or me into taking action?" That was a possibility.
He shook his head. "I know him. I Know him when he tries to provoke me. And that's what I thought at first as well but later... he was actually serious. He really wanted me to consider it! I can't believe it!"
"We'll.. we'll talk to him later... Right now I couldn't be more happy Remus...that we are together. That I love you and you love me back. Don't- don't let Sirius or Vanessa ruin this moment."
He sighed. "I'll have to handle Vanessa as well..."
"We'll work it together Remus. We'll find a way. Okay? Trust me."
He nodded and hugged her again, kissing her temple.
"Thank god, it all came out in open... thank god... I love you... I love you so much Dora... so much."
And after what seemed like days and an extremely stressful week, Tonks beamed.
The end?