Author's Note: Okay I don't like to do this, but this... This hit a little close to home. My mom has a bit of a drinking problem so writing this was kind of tough. i actually teared up a little because it reminded me so much of things that I've said to her. It was going to be tasty lady smut but it derailed and there was no way to get it back on track. So sorry to anyone that wanted some. And here's to the kids that have put up with this. I'm not sure if I'll be able to write Roxy for a while, though. She's a tough one on me even though I love her.
All your life people have told you that you're fat, and you know that you're heavy, but you don't care. You've long come to embrace your curves and dress them to your best. And as you take your second cake of the day out of the oven for this special, special occasion. She's coming home.
She's been gone for a few weeks, visiting her cousins in Houston. And you had to stay home because of a cake order that needed to be filled for your boss. But now she was coming home.
She's everything that you aren't. Standing nearly six feet tall where you're barely over five. Model thin where you... Aren't. Her long limbs have always have always entranced you when she walks and her milk white skin has always made your heart flutter. Even her hair. So blond and wavy and manageable while yours is too thick to do anything with... You feel like everything about her is simply perfect.
And she is coming home. You set the cake on a cooling rack and take off your oven mitts as the clock strikes five. It's time! You can hear the door unlatch and you run through your apartment and you see her in all of her elegance standing in the light of the sunset. She smiles at you and you just burst into tears, holding her tightly as she leans down and presses a soft kiss to your lips.
You've missed her so much. And you aren't sure why you let her go without you. Why she would leave you alone. It was only a few weeks but it felt like an eternity. But her long arms are wrapped around you and her scent envelops you as the two of you exchange soft kisses and I love you's.
But too soon you break apart and her nose is nestled in your hair and her I love you's turn into I'm so sorry's and when you see the bottle in her purse you know why.
With a dry throat you finally manage to speak after what feels like hours. "You've been drinking."
"I have."
"Why." It isn't even a question. She'd been doing so well and now... There's that damn bottle, sticking its obtrusive neck out of her hideous pink purse.
"I don't know, Janey." Her voice is soft and only tinged with the intoxication. She has a high tolerance, you have to remind yourself every time this happens.
Every goddamn time.
You're the first to break away and you go back into the kitchen, silently working on mixing a butter cream frosting as tears pour down your face. She broke your trust. The woman you love more than anything broke the one promise she'd made to you.
The only one she had to make because you know that there's no way either of you could ever cheat on the other. It's not in your nature and it's not in hers.
But her drinking had been an issue before you were together. And she hadn't had a drink in months. You didn't even keep cooking sherry in your cabinets because you know...
And as she sits the half empty bottle down on the table, she walks over to you, to hug you again you think. But no. She takes a seat at a stool by the counter and just watches you in silence. You hear her clear her throat and finally, finally, she breaks the silence. "It was one drink."
You don't want to talk to her. You want to make your frosting, eat half of it and then just go to bed.
"Janey, it was one drink. A shot. The bottle's that way because—!"
"Because you drank it, Roxy!" You stop the mixer and turn around, yelling louder than you have in a very long time. "The bottle is empty because you drank it! You drank... What ever it is in that damn bottle!"
She looks hurt. "I didn't...!"
"YOU. DID." Your face contorts into a scowl and you run from the room, choosing instead to sit on your bed and just cry. Today was going to be special. Today she had come home and instead she... She drank half a bottle of vodka? For some reason you know you shouldn't be surprised. For all of her perfection, her biggest flaw has always been this. And you've known that.
But when you hear the soft knock on the door frame you can't help but to look up. You love her. You've loved her for so long and that's exactly why this hurts.
And your hurt is reflected in her face. In the way her mascara and eyeliner run down in inky streams on her face and her lips are trembling. Her startling eyes just watch you until she finally speaks. "I'm so sorry, Janey."
"I know." Your voice is flat. You've cared too much about all of this. You don't know what to do about it anymore.
"I wish that I could say that it won't happen again."
"I know." You feel like a broken record.
"But you know that I don't want to hurt you!" She sobs once but you don't make an effort to move.
"I know."
"Don't let this ruin today, Janey... I was just so scared."
You frown a little. She's already ruined the day, but... "Scared of what?"
She's staring at the ground like a child in trouble. "Scared of coming home sober."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
That's all you can really expect from this. "I see."
"But... But I don't want to be this way, Janey! I don't like that I hurt you and I don't like that I can ruin a day like this just by doing... Just by doing this!" Her hands are in her hair as she just cries. "And today's your twenty-first so I thought that I'd get you something and then I just... I just drank it!" She chokes back a sob and hugs herself. "Janey I have a problem."
It's the first time you've heard her say that. She used to say things about the bottles calling to her or their magic over her. This is the first time she's put it on herself.
"Janey... I... I think I'm an...an alcoholic..." She shakes her head and you barely hear her whisper the last word, like a child repeating a schoolyard swear to a parent. But you know that she did.
"Just come here."
She picks herself up off the floor and moves to the bed, laying her crane-like frame next to yours. You wipe her tears from her cheeks and stare back at her without saying anything. You just press a soft kiss to her lips and hold her. Because you know that's what she needs.
You need her. And she needs you.
And without realizing it, you fall into a dream of a world where, somehow, you and your perfect, beautiful, wonderful girl are happy. You're happy. She's happy. And sober.
But that's just your dream for now. You'll have to see what happens after you have a nice slice of cake.