He has never admitted how much he loves this. The image of Lee kneeling in front of him is like the last glimpse of some fading fantasy. It's a dream he clutches to himself as he once held in nightmares as a child, too ashamed to admit they could exist.
But this is real. In this moment, Lee is as permanent as anything. His cheek against Neji's bare knee is too heated and close to be a fantasy. Even his breath, warm and moist on the inside of Neji's thigh, is entirely real. No matter how firmly Neji tries to tell himself he is only feeling a touch of passionless steam lingering in the air, he knows it is real.
It would be all too easy to tangle his fingers in Lee's hair and ask for more. Lee's stubborn, earnest offers are what brought them this far together, and ever since the first time Lee touched him the boundaries between them have felt so thin. It is too easy to touch Lee, and far too easy to take it lightly.
Even now Neji reminds himself Lee's joy and pride has never been in the fact that he is doing this for his rival, but that this is another small skill from Gai-sensei he has mastered. Sometimes he wonders if this is the secret to why Gai-sensei has always gotten along so well with Kakashi-sensei. Perhaps Kakashi-sensei puts up with the endless challenges simply because he knows this sort of reward is forthcoming if he should win. Neji knows how that temptation feels. He would put up with a lot more than a challenge from Lee just to experience one of his massages.
No matter how Neji tries to think of this as his sensei's skill, his thoughts always come back to Lee. Nothing changes the fact that this is Lee. Not Gai-sensei, but Lee smiling up at him, fingers working slowly at his calf muscle. Lee offering to do this, even when Neji feigns indifference. Lee. . . so close and comfortable and familiar, and yet not quite familiar enough.
At some point Lee must have figured out the most effective way to coax him to relax, and while the attention is utterly gratifying, it reminds Neji that he doesn't know how to do the same for Lee. He knows a thousand useless little things about his teammate, his fondness for hot baths as well as hot food, and the way he smells faintly of mint and herbs afterward, but he doesn't know how to do this for him. Even though Lee takes the greatest care to keep his muscles from stiffening after a hard day, he has never let Neji help relax him. It has always been him offering this to Neji, and asking for nothing in return but a fresh chance to challenge him.
Lee's massages always start out innocent. No matter how his mind wanders, Neji has never had trouble keeping his thoughts in line while Lee works on his back and neck, his chest and arms, and finally his thighs. It isn't until Lee has to actually kneel, to get at Neji's calves, that Neji's thoughts are compromised. He doesn't know if it is how close Lee gets, or the way he actually looks up into Neji's face while doing it, or the fact that Lee's cheek pressed against his knee is somehow more intimate than his hands could ever be. It's an unnecessary touch, and it feels like a gasp of stolen affection. Not enough for Neji to survive on, but more than enough to entice him.
And even though Lee is right there before him, smiling up at Neji like a wet dream, he has never asked for more. Not because he is afraid of rejection (though he would never deliberately set himself up for failure), but because he doesn't think Lee will refuse. If he reaches through the already shaky barriers between them and drags Lee closer, he might ruin something of Lee, and something of the bond between them as well.
This is something consistent in his life, a pattern he enjoys. Life has not always been this way and so he has no reason to believe it always will be. So why should he shatter the vision any sooner than necessary?
And, Neji thinks as he grips the bench to keep his hands away from Lee, if Lee ever bests him in one of their challenges, he is ready to repay everything. He'll start by massaging the muscles that Lee has never allowed him to touch, because no matter what he accomplishes Lee never believes he has earned such treatment. And if ever he is the one kneeling in front of Lee. . .
Neji tilts his face up so Lee can no longer look into his eyes. If their roles are ever reversed, he is already sure he will find himself going down on Lee without being asked. In payment for all the times he has imagined it, for every time he barely kept himself from jerking Lee up and stealing his kisses, or from giving Lee touches that he has more than earned.
And not just because he knows Lee won't ask, that he'll be too excited about finally defeating his 'rival' to even think about asking for anything. Not just because he knows Lee won't realize he deserves every reward Neji can give if he actually makes it to that level.
Because if this ever ends, this pattern that leads to him thinking about Lee's hands in places they would never venture uninvited, Neji will want a new pattern in its place. He will want a new reason to have Lee's hands on him. And even if it's only once, if he must lose this anyway he wants to at least taste Lee in return. If nothing else he can revel in the sight of Lee finally accepting the rewards he has earned.
And then it's over. Lee's hands rub his calf one last time as he lifts his cheek from Neji's knee. It's over until next time, in three days or a week, when Lee has the time and energy (and is seems he always has the energy), to make a new bid for defeating his rival. It never used to be so often, but Neji isn't about to complain. He's ready to relive the pattern again as soon as Lee asks.
Even though it's over, even though Lee's no longer touching him or looking at him, the feeling of wanting more doesn't go away. Even though it's foolish and impossible, he wants to work his fingers hard into Lee's muscles until he feels all of the tension flow out of him. He wants to hear Lee sigh and moan. Not those short, slight sounds he makes sinking into a hot bath after a long day, but continuously. He wants to see Lee limp and relaxed and utterly satisfied the way he never is, not even while he sleeps.
There is no hope for more, and he knows it. Neji can't accept defeat, and Lee won't accept charity, so it is impossible. There is nothing there to long for, nothing to covet. The feeling will be gone in the morning, or in a few hours, or at least by the next time he sees Lee.
But for a few seconds he just looks at Lee, his hands, his lips, and wishes. He thinks about how they feel, or how they would feel, or what he could make Lee feel. There is nothing there but an empty dream, and Neji knows it. It's just that sometimes, in those moments when he sees Lee smiling up at him, he wants there to be.