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A/N: This is my first fanfic and am new to the "author" concept. Please be kind when reviewing. I'll be working on format too so it's easier on the eyes. Hope you enjoy the story! Thanks to everyone the reviewed or added this story to story alert. Very flattering!-Jen
Katniss POV
Chapter 1
It's been almost a year now since I've been back in District Twelve. As part of my therapy, Dr. Aurelius has advised me to make a journal to help me cope with everything I have experienced. At first, I balked about it. I was already working on a similar project with Peeta. But Dr. Aurelius was insistent and said Peeta was also working on a journal. He felt that since I would never say all of these things out loud to him or anyone else, that I would at least feel comfortable saying it to myself. I don't know where to start. "How do I start?", I ask him. He simply responds, "like all stories, start at the beginning". I take a deep breath and just go with it.
People have been trickling back into town. Rebuilding their lives, making changes, appearing happy. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with my loss. I keep replaying all of those past defining moments in my life over and over in my mind. I think back to how my mother reacted to losing my father. Her depression, her lack of interest in life. My maternal and sisterly instinct to take care of Prim and myself. I tell myself that I did what I had to do. That even if my mother didn't rot away in her bed, that I would still have had to try to contribute and provide in some capacity. Losing my father was a devastating blow for me. He was my idol, my mentor, my father. I spent as much time with him as possible and we discovered how much we were truly alike. He was my best friend. It's not like I didn't love my mother or have a wonderful relationship with her, I did. But seeing her lose herself scared the life out of me. As much as I loved my father, it terrified me that a woman's love for a man could do that to any human being. I had always been petrified of having children because of the Reaping. It was a common fear among the people of my District to lose their children to the harsh reality of the annual Hunger Games. It always appeared that the poorest of our citizens, children of the Seam, were reaped to fight to the death. Once every few years Merchant children were reaped but it wasn't nearly as often as kids from the Seam. Because of this fact, this way of life, my mother's loss over my father, I took a vow not to marry and have children. If I didn't allow myself to fall in love, I couldn't possibly be tempted to have a baby.
Connecting with Peeta changed my whole wold. I had seldom noticed him while we grew up. He was Merchant, I was Seam. It just wasn't in our best interest to mix, even if we had become friends. I had caught him staring at me in school many a time but I was too young and naive to contemplate that he had a crush on me. After my father had died, when I was eleven years old, my family hit the lowest point at the bottom of the barrel. We were out of food, money and had no mother to tend to us. I had lost weight, so did Prim and were were dying. I kept holding out hope that Spring would come and my twelfth birthday would reward me with the two things I had been hoping for and dreading. My first Reaping Day and the opportunity to sign up for tesserae.
Tesserae would give us a monthly ration of grain in exchange for an extra entry into the Reaping Bowl. Not what I wanted to do, but I had to take my chances to support my family. It was on a very rainy desolate day that I had finally withered away to nothing and given up hope. I was outside our District Bakery rummaging through the garbage cans when I heard his mother screaming at me. I shrunk away in fear and made my way to the withered apple tree to die. There was just nothing left of me. After a few moments, I heard the most agonizing sound. It pounded in my ears. Then I saw Peeta walk over to the pig pen and toss a piece of burnt bread inside it. He made his way closer to me and then tossed me the bread. The welt on his cheek broke my heart in half. I never truly noticed Peeta before that moment but right then, it kit me like a ton of bricks. This boy just took a beating to feed me. He scrambled back to the bakery without making eye contact before I could even mutter a thank you. I grabbed the bread and ran home. All the while thoughts of what just happened rolling through my mind. Why would he do that? Why didn't he say something? What do I do now? Do I thank him? Do I owe him? And mixed in with all the thoughts a few new ones crept up on me. I just really wanted to thank him by putting some salve on his handsome face. In fact, I brought a bit to school with me the following day to give it to him and say thank you. But every time we met eyes, he turned away. Probably wished he hadn't bothered with me. I felt horrible. I felt like the Seam rat his mother called me. After school I noticed Peeta staring at me again and he gave a slight smile. When I looked away I saw the first sign of Spring. It was a dandelion. I couldn't help but pick it and carry it home with me. Peeta had gotten me through to today and had given me hope that I could make it to my birthday. It was while I was signing up for tesserae that I met Gale for the first time.
Gale was fourteen when we met. He had already been hunting on his own and had found me lurking around by the District fence, willing myself to travel into the woods to hunt. If I got caught, I could be whipped or sentenced to death. He looked at me and motioned for me to follow him in. It took us a while to warm up to each other but we eventually shared our knowledge of the woods, archery, snares and plants. We eventually became confidants and best friends. Things were great for a few years until we both grew up a bit. It was hard not to notice Gale had become a man in that time. The girls all drooled over him and made eyes at him. He was always spending time with me because we were friends. An errant thought or two had crossed my mind that IF I ever did marry, it would probably be Gale that I would marry. Not because I was actually in love with him, but because I did love him as a friend and we could survive well together. It never occurred to me that Gale had developed feelings for me that went above and beyond what I was feeling. He knew how I felt about marriage and children and he never pushed the subject. I was more focused on taking care of Prim and finding our next meal.
After I turned sixteen, my life spiraled out of control. My sister was reaped, and I volunteered to take her place. As I'm standing on the stage processing the entire event, Effie Trinket does the last thing I ever expect. She reaps Peeta Mellark. The entire time my mind is screaming, "No, not the boy with the bread!" He shakes my hand and I instantly feel a kinship with Peeta. It's all too much to process. Before we know it, we've said goodbye to our families and are on the train heading to the Capitol. It isn't until dinner that I truly look at him and notice him. He's gorgeous. I am immediately enamored with his blonde hair, blue eyes and pale skin. He looks the exact opposite of me. He's tall and I can see the muscles from his chest after he changes into a t-shirt. I can't believe I'm even thinking this way. We make polite small talk and go about the motions with Haymitch our mentor. The days whirl by in fast forward. We're groomed to be beautiful, paraded around the Capitol in our debut, meeting the other tributes and training and finally interviewing with the strangest man in Panem outside of our President.
I make it through my three minute interview with Caesar Flickerman unscathed but it's Peeta's interview that sends my world upside down. He announces that he's in love with me. All the air escapes from my lungs. How is that even possible? How long? Why hasn't he ever spoken to me? Is this a strategic ploy for the games? No I'm mad. He's got to be lying. There is no way that this boy god is crushing on me enough to tell the world he's in love with me. He can't even look me in the eye! Then the realization hits that it's kill or be killed with Peeta. He's out to kill me. Of course, I mean, it's the Hunger Games! We get into the elevator and I unleash on him. Once the door opens I slam him into a table with a vase. It smashed against the floor and cuts his hands. I'm so irate! Haymitch gets off the other elevator and scolds me. Telling me that Peeta made me look desirable. My head is swimming. I can't think anymore. I need to escape. I start running down the hall. I'm just at my room when Peeta catches up to me and grabs my arm. I spin around and expect him to yell at me. He's breathing heavily and is unusually close, trying to get his bearings. It's then that I see his eyes, the boy with the bread is not lying about his love for me. It's there. I don't know how I could ever not have seen it. Even if I wasn't blown away by all that had just happened, I had already accepted that I could not kill Peeta. I just realized from the look in his azure blue eyes that he was incapable of killing me. This is going to be a huge problem for us. It only takes him a moment to settle down before he lets it all flow. "Katniss, I am so sorry that you had to find out that way. I never meant to hurt you or put you on the spot. I have been trying to work up the nerve to tell you for the last couple of years now and just when I thought that I was ready, we were reaped." Peeta takes a deep breath and continues. "I have been in love with you for forever. I've always been so afraid to approach you. I know you've caught me staring at you many times. Then when I gave you the bread, I finally felt confident enough that I could talk to you and we could be friends. But you never went out of your way to talk to me after that night. It wasn't too long after that when I noticed Gale Hawthorne always with you. I just assumed you were with him and my chance for friendship with you had passed. When you volunteered, my mind was screaming. I thought I was going to die on the spot, right there in the square. When Effie called my name, I started to panic. And then I realized something. I had been such a chicken shit my whole life and didn't talk to you except maybe in passing. And here I was being reaped and sent to slaughter by your side. I made a vow right then. I vowed that I would do everything in my power to send you home to your sister. It was very brave of you for volunteering for her. I know you provide for your family and I admire that about you. When Haymitch coached me for the interviews, he called me out on my feelings. Funny how everyone else can see it except you."
I'm at a loss for words. Peeta is just so good with them. The whole time he's speaking I am zoning in on him and noticing him. He's amazing. He's beautiful, he's strong, he's articulate. I just keep watching his mouth say all of these fabulous things and my heart is hammering away in my chest. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm not in control. When his eloquent voice stops and his breathtaking mouth smiles I do the first impulsive thing I have done in a while. I kiss him. He's startled for a second, only a second. His left arm encircles my waist and his right hand comes up to my neck in a flash. I've never kissed a boy before. I have no idea what I'm doing but this doesn't feel unpracticed at all. I am on fire. Something about this boy has struck a nerve and lit a match. I cannot get enough of him. When we finally pull away from each other, I have to face what I have done. Tomorrow we are going into the Hunger Games. Only one of us is going to come out alive. And for the first time, I'm hoping that it's him.