A/N: No porn in this one, only sadness.
Warnings for: cisgirl Kylo, Kylo/Hux, discussion of self-starvation and insomnia (Kylo's losing her shit, basically), fairly graphic death, general suffering.
This is part of a larger 'verse I've been doing, so if you haven't read any of the other stuff, you might be a tad confused. The ridiculously emo title of this comes from a Ginsberg poem that I, like a true millenial, saw on Tumblr.
There is a strange power in denying the needs of the physical being. Kylo has not eaten or slept in nearly two days; she has consumed only water, and even that has been infrequent, just enough every now and then to keep herself from losing consciousness. Half of this deprivation is penance – a punishment not for her body, which like every other body is just a tool, but for the mind that torments her with visions and dreams. The other half of it is an attempt to center herself, to starve the last spark of light in her heart.
She will have to stop at some point, Kylo knows. She needs to eat and rest eventually. Only a few moments more, Kylo decides, before she eats, bathes, and sleeps – not necessarily in that order. Her best hope with regards to sleep is to force herself to become so exhausted that she can no longer stand it. There will be no going to Hux for alcohol and sex, never again.
Hux doesn't know that, of course. He is no doubt waiting for her to call upon him soon; perhaps he is considering making a visit of his own. It is with some irritation that Kylo realizes she will be sorry to turn him away. She must purge herself of Hux, too; if she can go without food, she can certainly go without fucking.
Kylo is slowly but surely pulling out of her trance. Meditation generally allows the mind to spread outwards, but this time, she has been looking inward, locked within herself – she must be careful not to overload her mind with the influx of souls and minds around her. It is then, as she opens her eyes for the first time in days, that Kylo realizes something is very, very wrong.
Kylo rises from the floor and her legs nearly give out after endless hours of stillness, but she perseveres. As she is stumbling to her closet to fetch her robes, an alarm begins to squall in the corridor outside. A ship-wide alarm. Kylo feels discombobulated, and not just because her physical body is protesting its recent treatment – how could she not have seen something coming? Has she gone mad, truly, and simply been too lost to foresee an attack?
Kylo yanks on her robe, remembering at the last moment before she hurtles out of her quarters to lift her hood. Her rooms are isolated enough that the hallway immediately outside is empty, but Kylo can hear voices in neighboring corridors. There is a moment of stillness while Kylo centers herself, searching the Finalizer and the space outside it. Resistance fighters – and there is –
"Kylo," a voice whispers, as if in Kylo's ear. It's the little scavenger girl. She is not onboard the ship, but she is suddenly quite close. The girl is even more powerful than Kylo had already expected, then, if she is able to do this. Uncle has taught her well.
Kylo starts to move – she can pilot a craft and go after that girl before anyone else does – but then she feels it. Not physically, as she is all the way across the ship from the epicenter, but she senses it when the explosive goes off. They have a man inside, they must have – that boy, the traitor, is a likely candidate, as he would know best how to blend in – and he has placed a bomb. It's been detonated.
Kylo suddenly feels as if liquid carbonite has been forced down her throat. The bridge, she thinks, it's the bridge. And then – Hux.
"I'm here for you," the girl's disembodied voice says again, still faint as a light breeze. "Your mother wants you to come home."
Kylo starts to respond, to tell Rey that she has no home, but she is distracted. She is searching for Hux, and when she finds him, she finds utter chaos. Through Hux's eyes Kylo sees nothing but thick black smoke, and through his ears she hears only a deafened ringing. He is in agony, his thoughts a tangled mess of pain, confusion, and fury.
I'm coming for you, Kylo shoves into his mind, knowing Hux will recognize the sound's origin. Stay alive.
"It's not too late," the voice says, and Kylo lets out a wordless shriek and shoves the girl out, drawing her mental barriers up as tight as she can. Kylo doesn't want to hear any more about her mother, can't bear to hear words of forgiveness after she'd put her saber through her father's chest. It is too late. It's always been too late.
Kylo starts running, pushing people out of her way with both the Force and her own hands as necessary. There are no protests; everyone is too caught up with their own tasks, and anyway, nobody on this ship except Hux dares to challenge Kylo Ren. She's not sure why she's going after him, not when her master would surely forbid it, but she keeps running.
The corridors surrounding the bridge are thick with medical personnel and the injured. Kylo shoves her way through, and again, nobody stops her. The bridge itself is ravaged and blackened, entire banks of consoles destroyed; if the rebels had meant to cripple this ship from inside, they've nearly done it. Through the smoke, Kylo spots the reddish glint of Hux's hair, and is at his side in an instant.
There's an oddly familiar nurse kneeling over Hux, tying a tourniquet around his upper thigh and calling for assistance that isn't coming. The tattered fabric of Hux's uniform clings to his skin in places, sodden with blood. One of his arms is badly broken, and his head is lolling to one side like a doll's, blood dripping out of his mouth and pooling on the floor. Kylo falls to her knees. "Hux," she barks, reaching down to lift his head with one hand. "Look at me."
His eyes are only half-open, but she sees a flash of recognition in them. He is trying to say something, but he keeps choking up blood instead. When Kylo listens to his thoughts, she can feel him fading, and fast. "Help him," Kylo snarls at the nurse, who is staring at her with wide eyes.
"I can't, not here," the nurse says, frightened. "He's hurt too badly." It's too late, the girl thinks, and Kylo grimaces.
"I can move him to med bay," Kylo says sharply, and between them, Hux gives a sort of odd, rattling breath.
Kylo looks down and meets his eyes, still cradling the back of his head with her hand. His hair is slick with blood – there's so much blood. Hux looks up at Kylo for but a moment, and then he goes slack. Feeling someone die is a familiar sensation, but this is still strangely different, even from when she'd felt her father die; Kylo has never been this helpless, has never felt a death she hasn't caused.
"Hux," Kylo says, stunned, and she presses her hand to the center of his mangled chest, concentrating, willing him to draw another breath as she knows can be done. His body arches under the touch, limbs jolting as if hit with an electric current, but then he goes still again, looking upon Kylo with eyes that see nothing. She tries again, funneling energy into Hux until she can bear it no longer, but she'd felt it when his soul left him, and it is not returning.
It takes a moment for Kylo to realize she is screaming, but she feels metal screeching under the onslaught she inflicts, the human bodies near her contorting suddenly as they are seized by a wave of something they cannot hope to fight. For a moment Kylo is sure that she will kill them all, destroy the Finalizer from inside out, and doom herself along with them.
Strangely, it is the thought of what Hux would say that makes her reign herself in, even though she has seldom elected to follow instructions from Hux. Must you be so dramatic, he'd say, brow furrowing with irritation. Or perhaps stop destroying my bloody ship, Lady Ren.
Kylo lets Hux's head gently come to rest on the scarred metal floor and rises to her feet. The nurse is still kneeling beside Hux's body, trembling as she recovers from Kylo's wrath, and neither she nor Kylo say anything as Kylo stumbles away.
Kylo doesn't speak a word aloud until weeks later, as she kneels before the Supreme Leader once more. She is surrounded by his darkness again, but the weight of it does not feel as comforting as she had imagined it would. "Master," she says, her voice hoarse from disuse.
"Do not speak," he says, and Kylo closes her mouth with a soft click of teeth.
There are several long moments of silence while the Supreme Leader studies her. "You have failed me once more," he says finally, and Kylo remains still, does not flinch at the icy slickness of his tone. "The Finalizer is no more, thanks to a lazy plan from the Resistance and to your preoccupation with your own weakness. You have come to me now unbidden. You did not attempt to pursue the scavenger girl, in favor of saving General Hux – and you failed to do even that."
Kylo swallows hard, but still does not speak. Even if she'd been instructed to reply, she isn't sure she could have. "This is the weakness love brings, Kylo Ren," the Supreme Leader says, nearly whispering, but nevertheless commanding Kylo's full attention. "Your attachment to your father left you faltering after his death, and torments you even now. And then there is the matter of Hux." The Supreme Leader is sneering slightly – Kylo would know even if she couldn't see it. "Like a fool, you allowed yourself to love him."
Kylo starts to protest that she'd never even considered love with regards to Hux, but then falls silent yet again. Memories suddenly begin to surface, outside of Kylo's own volition; Snoke is looking through them. Kylo remembers the orange tint of Hux's hair against standard issue sheets, feels her own hand on Hux's pale, aristocratic throat, tastes rum on his lips. For a moment she thinks the Supreme Leader is going to take the memories from her, but no such relief is forthcoming.
"The general will make an excellent martyr," Snoke says softly, withdrawing from Kylo's memories like a dagger being unsheathed. Kylo cannot suppress a shudder at the feeling. "Young. Handsome. Capable of captivating attention – even yours. We will use his death and the loss of the Finalizer to rally the rest of the First Order."
"Yes, master," Kylo says, bowing her head slightly so that Snoke cannot see the sheen of tears which has sprung to her eyes at the sensation of having her mind violated. She has done the same thing and worse to countless others, Kylo knows, but only ever for a reason. The Supreme Leader had not been seeking any knowledge at all, merely perusing, disinterested and likely displeased with what he'd seen.
"And as for you, Kylo Ren," the Supreme Leader says, unnervingly still as he speaks, save for the movement of his mouth. "Allow General Hux's death to strengthen your hate of the Resistance and of the light. Remember that they took him from you, and let it harden your weak heart. You only fail because you lack commitment."
Kylo thinks of Hux's body, the emptiness in his eyes, and feels only a sick coldness spreading through her. "Yes, master," she repeats, but the words are hollow as they echo in the dark room.