Not mine. It's hard but I think I have come to terms with that.
I knew it couldn't last forever. That I would eventually get caught and have a bounty would be placed on my head. I knew the risks and that the end won't justify and make everything all nice and pretty again. I decided to risk my life, everyone who loved and trusted me just because I could. I wanted it all, like a child in a candy store throwing a fit. That works for a bit but soon your going to get slapped. But if I knew it would of caused all the damage it did I would of tried harder to stop myself.
I think he knew to some degree what I had been doing. The secret phone calls always spoken in hushed whispers. Never staying for any extended period of time. He thought it was for another reason. To assure that neither of us would be caught and labeled forever. Nothing is wrong with that label, but that's not what we are. For us it's all about some fun for a little while. We agreed on that from the beginning, nothing serious. But of course being a lover of poetry and the finer things in life he had to make it to be more. So in a way he pushed me away after all he knew my fear of the us we had created.
I am a shamed to say I was just using her for sex. I mean my God that girl would lay any living creature without beating an eyelash! And everyone thinks she's so sweet and innocent, she really had that act down packed. I never really liked her, no even in a friendship sort of a way. I'm just good at pretending that I do, she's not the only that can play pretend. She didn't catch me. When she was formed in the womb the element of common sense someway skipped over her. I was never careful, never tried to cover my tracks. I suppose I should have been just a tad sensitive to her feelings. But I'm an asshole.
She was the one that pushed me towards her. I had no plans of pressuring our friendship into more. She made the first move and I went for it, love is my weakness. It would never work for us, no matter how hard we tried. The friendship level was on our side, that bond could never be broken. Just the chemical energy wasn't hot enough to keep the inner fire burning for long enough. I don't think she realized that or carefully choose to ignore it. I of course did not and soon after we began I started to push her way.