Okay To Cry
Eli Goldsworthy was distraught. The calendar read November 26, 2011. Today would have been Julia's seventeenth birthday.
"Come on, baby boy! Time for school!" Cece yelled from down the hall.
"Coming," He replied groggily, anxiously turning away from the calendar. After freshening up in the bathroom, he found his blue Grade 12 Degrassi polo and slipped it on. With shaky hands, he pulled on his khaki pants before putting shoes on and walking into the kitchen.
His mother greeted him immediately with a sad face. "Sweetie, Bullfrog's at the station already. I know today is going to be rough for you, but please hang in there, okay?" She pulled him into a hug.
Eli's eyes were stinging with unshed tears, and a few of them seeped into his mother's shoulder. "Mom," He whimpered helplessly, leaning on his mom and clinging onto her like a lifeline.
CeCe stroked her son's black hair. "I know, I know," She calmly soothed him by rubbing his back and embracing him tightly. "You have Clare, baby. You have Adam and Fiona as well. Everything is going to be alright. Just try to concentrate during your classes and eat a nice lunch, okay?" She led him to a chair and sat him down gently, kissing his forehead and walking over to the sink. "Baby boy, I miss her too. Julia was like a daughter to me, but we have to move on. We just have to, Eli, or this just won't get any better. You loved that girl with all your heart and you have made me so proud with all the progress you've made in the past year. Look at you, honey! You're a senior in high school!" She lovingly set a plate of eggs and toast in front of her son and sat across from him with her coffee.
"I'm trying, mom. I really am, but I can't just walk away from this! You say we have to 'move on' and 'live our lives', but you have no idea how I feel right now! Every night I have to sleep in the room that she stayed in! Every day I think of how she'd just cry herself to sleep in my arms on multiple nights on that bed!" Eli stared back down at his plate and finished what was left. As he stood up, he finished with, "I love you, mom. I just hope I don't hurt you as well."
CeCe stood up and hurried over to her son. "Honey, you will not hurt me. You are my son. You're my baby boy, and you're my only child. I love you so much, and I know you can get through this day."
"I really have to go, mom." A sad-eyed Eli trudged down the hallway and out the door, shutting it behind him. Since he had earned back his driving privileges, he drove his new car to Degrassi.
Once Eli had pulled into the school parking lot, he shakily took the keys out of the ignition and grabbed his back pack. 'I can do this." He whispered to himself. Climbing out of the car, he spotted Clare Edwards standing by the entrance to the school.
"Eli," Clare whispered tentatively as he approached her. When he didn't reply nor look her in the eye, she grew concerned. She gently took his limp left hand in hers and intertwined her fingers with his. "Baby?"
Eli's eyes were completely filled with tears. Just as Clare was about to hug him, he inched away and wiped away the tears. "I'm fine, Clare."
Clare grabbed his hand again. "Let's go inside. We've got five minutes until first bell and Adam and Fiona are waiting for us in the foyer." She led him inside, sensing his tenseness and uncomfortable mood.
Fiona and Adam immediately stopped laughing when they spotted Eli and Clare walking towards them, knowing the significance of the date. Fiona patted a spot beside her for Clare while Adam made room for Eli to sit down.
Fiona was the first to speak. "Imogen's got the flu. My poor baby." Imogen was Fiona's girlfriend of two months; they had gotten together over the summer.
"Tell her I hope she feels better." Clare said softly, tracing the outline of her journalism notebook.
Adam coughed uncomfortably, eyeing an extremely sad-looking Eli, who was half-heartedly eyeing Clare. "Hey, dude, do you want to hit up The Dot after school? Maybe we could get some coffee and chill, or if you want we could pick up the latest edition of The Goon! It just came out yesterday!" When Eli merely released an empty sounding laugh and shrugged his shoulders, Adam clammed up.
"I think your boyfriend needs you, Clare." Fiona whispered in Clare's ear. Clare's blue eyes widened as she nodded and approached Eli.
She took a seat next to him and covered his hand with hers. Eli's green eyes stared at her for a moment, filled with tense and desperate confusion. Clare smiled reassuringly before beginning to slowly stroke the back of his hand with her thumb. Eli let out a shaky breath at her gentle ministrations, leaning his head on her shoulder.
Clare gently turned over his hand so it was palm side up. She gently rubbed his palm with her fingers, trailing them down each joint. His hand relaxed as she continued to do this until the bell rang. Clare turned her head and pressed a kiss into Eli's temple. "I've got to go to Civics with Adam and Tessa. I'll see you next period for English." She quickly pecked his lips and joined Adam and his girlfriend Tessa in walking to class.
Eli slowly stood up, his heart weighing twenty times more than his backpack. Getting through this day would be a huge challenge for him. The hurt rained on his heart, signaling the beginning of an internal thunderstorm later that day. He could close his eyes, blink away a tear or two, but that didn't mean more wouldn't come later. For now, he could shut it out, but Clare was coming over to his house after school, and he knew he couldn't hide himself from her. She was everything. With that, he slowly but steadily walked to French and willed his tears to go home.
Once final bell rang, the students of Degrassi eagerly maneuvered the hallways, rushing to get home and beat the snowstorm that was predicted by the weather forecast that week.
Adam broke apart from Tessa's goodbye hug and approached Eli. "Dude, I've got to get home, but I really hope you feel better. Text me later, okay?" Eli nodded his head and leaned against the pillar. Adam patted his shoulder before rushing outside to his mom's car.
"Eli!" He turned his head to see Fiona rushing towards him, shoving her way past a gossiping group of Grade 9 girls. "Eli, are you okay? I just want to make sure you're alright. Please text me later, okay?" He emptily nodded his head and returned her frantic hug. "I have to get to Imogen's and bring her some soup. See you tomorrow!"
Eli sank down to the floor once the school was empty. Ten minutes later, he heard his name being called from far down the hallway. Clare was running down the hallway, carrying her bag. "I'm sorry, Eli! Katie assigned me a new article, and I had to get my thesis approved!"
Eli slowly stood up. "It's okay, let's just go."
Clare frowned, grabbing his hand and pulling him outside with her. The harsh winds whipped at their faces, and Eli could feel tears springing at his eyes. Clare rubbed his back and led him to the car. Snow was slowly falling onto the ground.
Once they got home, Clare gently grabbed Eli's hand and led him to his room. His body began to shake, and she knew he was breaking soon. After an entire day of hardly saying a word, Eli's heart began to unravel its pain, and he couldn't stop it.
Entering Eli's room, the two sat down on his bed. Clare was the first to speak after an uncomfortable silence. "Eli, if you need to cry, I'm right here." When he didn't respond and continued to shake with suppressed sobs, Clare slowly moved his head onto her shoulder. "Right there if where you need to be right now, Eli."
Eli sobbed and sobbed as Clare wrapped her arms around him, laying down on the bed with his head on her shoulder. Tears ran in waterfalls down Clare's shoulder, but she didn't mind one bit. "I love you."
Eli barely managed to choke out, "Is it really okay to cry?"
Clare gently stroked his hair, kissing his forehead as he continued to sob viciously. "It's okay to cry." She confirmed.
Throughout the night, even after CeCe and Bullfrog came to check up on them, Clare held Eli tightly, feeling like more of a mother than a lover. "I love you so much, Eli." She repeated, kissing his neck, face, and shoulders and covering his shaking body with the warm covers of his bed. "Sleep now,"
That was the last thing he heard before his tears dried, and sleep overcame the two of them.