Drinking about you
Hearts are tender at any age, let alone in high school. Finding out who you are and what preference you have is difficult. Braking the gender binary chain that holds so many down is breath taking. Having the power to stand out and be your own person is what makes people unique.
These are the things that are always on my mind. Especially when I feel down about my preferences and who I love, because deep down I know she will never love me back.
So here I am sitting alone in my room like I do almost everyday so I can avoid the pain that crosses me when I see her.
It has been months since I last hung out with my friends, and it has come to my attention that people are starting to worry, but I am past the worry and stuck in complete pain and isolation.
The rumors that have passed around my school are so much better than the truth. To think that I don't hang out with my friends at lunch and sit in the black box theater instead is because I am pregnant or angry that Jade received the lead in the I Love Lucy play. These rumors or lies are so much better than the truth. I would rather be pregnant or angry than dealing with the complete heartache that takes me down every time I look at fucking Jade West.
But here I am once again sitting alone in my room with a beer in my hand because its the only thing that reminds me that I am still a person.
My parents have learned to leave me be, they understand how hard coming out is, but they don't understand what it feels like to watch the love of your life treat you like utter shit for no damn reason. I mean of course in the beginning I was able to handle it, but right as I was about to tell my friends that I was gay it all changed.
(Flash back)
I was walking into Hollywood Arts ready to tell my friends the truth that I have been hiding for so long. I needed the release so much so I decided I wanted to do it when they were all together. This idea of mine quickly changed.
I was walking to my locker, the one that used to say 'Make It Shine' I was grabbing my books and turned around to see Jade bending down to get a lemonade out of the vending machine. She looked beautiful. She had on a black body con dress with fishnet stockings underneath and Dr. martin combat boots. Her hair was straightened and her makeup was beautiful with a purple smokey eye and lipstick. My eyes continued to melt away at her ass, I may be a very respectful person, but its hard not to stare, shes gorgeous.
"Vega what the hell do you think you are doing?" I guess I was caught starring and it seemed like jade was not in a happy mood.
"I..wa..was..um" Talking to Jade always put me at a loss for words.
"You were starring at my ass, and I bet if I didn't come over here you would still be starring."
"It's just that well...I.. was" Come on tori you can do this
"I think that you were starring because you don't know how to keep it in your pants. What are you gay?"
At this point I had tears getting ready to fall but I had to fight it back. I decided I didn't want to say anything because there was no point I was caught and there was nothing I could do about it.
Students started to stop what they were doing and bring their attention towards Jade and I which made me really nervous. I think Jade could tell something was up and that's what I love about her. She is really good at reading people.
"Wrist"
"what" I did not have time to say much more because she grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the janitors closets.
For some odd reason I flt safe and was ready to tell her so I decided I would.
Once we entered the janitors closets it was dark and empty. Jade pushed my inside and closed the door. My instincts kicked in and I began to search for the light switch so I was moving my hands up and down until I placed my hand on a certain goths breast and received a punch to the stomach. Jade eventually turned the lights on and I was on all fours trying to breath from the blow I just received. She is not one to be groped with out throwing a punch so I accept my punishment even if it was an accident.
"Get up Vega and watch where you place your hands or there will be more coming than just that. I'm not afraid to stab you with my scissors and I won't forget about this if it happens again."
I just nodded and got to my feet I slowly made my way up but decided to avoid eye contact, I didn't want to be caught starring again. It was hard to control myself because she is just so breathtaking.
"Now Vega do you want to tell me why I always catch you starring at me. If I didn't know any better I would guess that you are gay and you like me."
In my mind now was not the time to resound, but my body was inching closer to her. I could feel body heat on my skin, and I just wanted to hold her in my arms.
She continued to talk to me, but once I looked up everything she was saying went out as fast as it came in. I was lost in her body and slowly my eyes made their way down to her breasts. I just wanted to touch them again but I needed to have self control or I was never going to make it out of this closest alive. Why not come out of the closest in a closet so I decided to do something bold something that I would remember for the rest of my life.
So I look up and I promise you she did not look happy so I decided that she really couldn't get that angry so I inched my body closer to her, I place my hands on her waist and I pulled her into me. I looked straight into her eyes and spoke so softly that only she could hear it. All I said was "Yes" and I pulled her into me and connected our lips, at first it felt like I was on cloud 9 and that she could actually have feelings for me, until I realized she was not moving.
I pulled back and looked into her eyes. I can tell you she did not look happy. Jade didn't say anything, because actions speak louder than words and I can promise you I heard them. She punched me in the face, looked into my eyes, and walked away.
I sat in that closest for the rest of the day crying and heaving. The pain I felt in my face was nothing compared to what my heart felt like.
(End Flashback)
After that day it felt like civilization was cut out of my life. I would wake up, go to school, and come home from school. Only leaving my bedroom to go to school. It became a cycle, but who was I to stop it anyway.
The first few weeks Andre continued to text me, corner me at school,and even show up to my house trying to get me to talk. I was broken and there was nothing I could do. Sure I could ac like it never happened, but it seemed like whenever I saw jade and Beck together, they were either making out or holding each other.
It started to become way too much for me to handle and I finally broke down.
I found myself punishing my body to try and ease the pain away. It started with a razor and the inside of my ankle, the act of cutting was something new to me, but I took pride in it.
Having a way out of the misery I felt every God damn day was immaculate.
Cutting myself was the easy part, covering it up was so much more difficult. I started to get sloppy and carried away from thinking about Jade and my arm or leg would be covered in blood and complete pain. Eventually that pain just went numb and I crated a routine. Cut myself twice a week sometimes more depending on the day I'm having, drink away the pain with whatever I can find in the house, and cover up the scars. At this point my entire left arm is shredded in scars, I am at a point where if the cut starts to heal I reopen it with a new knife so I can relive the numbness.
Deep down I know this isn't the best way to cope, but I'm broken and it feels so good. I know Trina knows that I cut myself because she has walked in on me doing it from time to time. I know shes disappointed in me by the way she looks when she sees the cuts or the blood.
A few weeks ago I was so drunk and crying in pain, Trina came in and she just wanted an answer, so I told her. I was so tired of hiding who I am to every one around me. She just gave me a hug and helped me clean up. I am thankful that she is s accepting, but it doesn't take my pain away.
My parents have started asking where all our towels keep going or why they are stained in blood, but I don't really have an answer. Sure I know what is happening to them, but I don't know how I can stop.
"why me?" this is the question that I continue to ask myself, but I still don't have an answer.
In the end I think I deserve to feel this way, so I don't blame Jade for not loving me like I love her, I mean who could love me. I'm pathetic and at this point I am rotting to my grave.
I got back from school a few hours ago so I am just in my room listening to 'A part of me' by Neck Deep and drinking another beer. This has become my go to song and it helps with the pain.
I know my parents are home, but that doesn't stop me from blasting my music so I can cry my eyes out. My mom usually checks on me when she comes home from work, but I have been putting up a facade for when I see her and it has worked so far. Trina hasn't told my parents about me being gay yet because deep down I think she realized coming out is up to me, so I get to do it when I want to.
While I lay down in bed and softly sing along to my music my attention is caught on something going on outside. I can hear people in front of my house, but I don't move. I have an idea of who it is and I honestly am not in the mood.
It appears that they have started to throw rocks at my window to get me to come out, but here I am not caring and just ignoring it. I turn my music up louder and pick up my phone.
I usually just leave my phone at home when im at school because there really isn't a big reason for me to have it there. I tend to come home and have to open up about 8 message from Andre or Cat.
Today doesn't seem to be different
From: Andrea
To: Tori
Are you okay chica?
From: Andrea
To: Tori
we are coming over
From: cat
To: Tori
I miss you
The other ones are about the same, they are short and to the point. I mean sure it hurts that I have been avoiding my friends, but when I see them, I see Jade, or Beck and it is hard to look at him for wanting his girl. So I just ignore them hoping they leave me alone.
I put my phone down and realized whoever was outside, it must have been Andre is now gone. Im relieved but continue to feel guilty for ignoring my best friend.
I decide I need a drink, all of this thinking about Jade is really getting to me and I need a breather. I look in the cabinet and find a bottle of Vanilla Vodka and pour myself a shot. I hate the taste, but I love how it feels going down my throat. The warmth it leaves makes me feel better afterward so why would I stop.
I walk towards the stairs and hear someone knocking on the door, but decide to ignore it. Im halfway up the stairs and I can hear Trina screaming at my to open the door. For some reason I decide to. I don't know if its because I am shit faced or just curious because Trina knows not to ask me to do things these days.
Whoever is ringing the door bell is not going away anytime soon because they continue to the ring the shit out of the bell. I make my way towards the door, fumble with the handle and open it. As soon as that door opens I was wipe eyed and slammed it. Unfortunately their shoe stopped the door from closing and they invited themselves in.
Here I am walking back towards the vodka and taking another shot so I can handle this situation.
My face is worn and I reek of alcohol. I turn towards the uninvited guest and decide not to say anything. I make my way to sit on the coach so I can get through this.
Her green eyes stare into my soul and if I said I wasn't scared I would be lying.
"Why" thats all she says and I know exactly what she is asking.
I just don't have an answer. I don't know why im gay, why I like Jade, why I drink myself to numbness or why I cut myself until I can't even walk. I don't know why I do the things I do, so why should I be able to answer her question. Its just another thing I don't know how to respond to.
Of course I am unable to stop my eyes from starring at her beautiful body, this is another thing that I continue to ask 'why' about.
"Tori what has been going on with you" she continues to talk but I am past listening
"Vega answer me" this time it is almost a scream but I cant answer her because I don't have an answer.
Jade steps closer to me, I can tell she is disappointed in the way I look.
She releases a breath and lifts my chin up to match her gaze. All I ca think about is how good it feels to have her touch me.
"Vega please just talk to me"
I think this is the first time she has ever said please to me
"Okay what do you want" my words are soft with no feeling but she hears them.
"You"
I felt warmth in my body after those words left her mouth and I guess my body found its way to hers. We fit together like a missing puzzle piece and it was what I have been waiting for my entire life.
She sat down on my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck.
Her lips were warm and they tasted like sorrow and regret, an all too familiar feeling. The kiss was soft and I could love beneath it and I never wanted it to end. She opened her mouth and I took that as an entrance to deepen our kiss. My hands found there way to her lower back with my fingers finding the hem of her jeans. Her body felt perfect and to me she has no imperfections. Her hands began to move to my hair and I moved my left hand to under her shirt resting on her stomach. From lack of oxygen we had to end the kiss. We both pulled back missing it and rested our foreheads against each other. My hand began to rub circles on her stomach because I don't want to lose this feeling.
"Tori these past few months without you around have made me realize how much I care for you. I guess I was in denial about my feelings when you kissed me so i'm ready to spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you will let me."
"Jade you have no idea how this makes me feel, the idea of not having you as mine has almost killed me."
our breathing has started to settle.
"I know Tori, but I won't lose you, not this time."
"Jade I can't do this, I don't think I can anyway, im broken and nothing can fix me. If im gunna be with you I want it all, I want to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you, but I can't. I can't because I don't want to have to share you and that's Becks job and I can't imagine anyone taking that from me if I was in his place so I can't take you from him. It's not what friends do."
I slowly slid out from under her and was about to make my way to the door until she pulled me back.
"Tori you aren't taking me from anyone, after you kissed me I realized I had feelings for you and Beck and I ended things a long time ago. You won't be sharing me with anyone, because im only yours."
I turned to look at her and I pulled her against my body and I simply smiled.
"Mine?"
"All yours baby"
I leaned into jade and kissed her, it wasn't hard or rough. It was slow and full of love. This has been something I have been waiting for my entire life. I have finally found the love of my life and she wants me to. After today I won't have to drink away the memories of her or drink to forget her, because I will have her as mine, as the love that rests inside me.
The kiss ended and a blush crossed both of our faces.
"I love you Jade"
"I love you too Tori"
Today Jade, im done drinking because of you.
I hope you enjoyed the prompt I got for the 7 days of victorious prompts. Please review and let me know if I should add one more chapter to this or not.