Disclaimer: Me no own!
A/N: So this is an AR, Alternative Reality. Buffys mom's not dead, her dad never left, Spike's dead, Buffy's insane. It's also a dark fic, because it's a bit psychological with the whole fantasy dimension. This fanfic is also based on quotes. Buffy loves Spike so much, so when he dies, she makes up her own world with Spike. It's based on fantasy and memories. The hospital scenes are real quotes, some of them changed so they fit the story. But else it's kind of a re-writening on "Normal Again."
Playlist: The Crisis ~ Ennio Morricone; House of Cards ~ Audiomachine; Freedom ~ James Horner (movie Braveheart); Mosane Pi: Selisona Pi ~ E. S. Posthumus; Love So Alike: Two Loves Be One: My Face In Thine Eyes ~ Anne Dudley (movie Tristan & Isolde).
"Spike!" I watch helpless as he give me a confused look and then turns to dust. The monster… have killed Spike.
I feel a searing pain for the first time in a long time in my arm. The weird feeling of something being pushed into my body.
"You're gonna hurt yourself!", one of the nurses says as I squirm and wriggle.
"She'll break the needle", one of the others say.
"We're gonna have to strap her down", the first one says.
I'm about to scream when they pull me to my bed in the white room.
I scream. He had kicked me very badly in the stomach.
"What the hell did you do that for, you pig?" He cocks an eyebrow, as if I was stupid or something.
"Hallo! We're kind of fighting here, pet", he stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Don't tell me to be gentle on you", he muttered. "I know you like it rough."
What? What is it with this guy? I gave him a right hook. He faltered backwards.
"Bloody hell, Slayer!"
I turned away, trying to walk away from him, trying not to care for him. He grabbed my arm fiercely and pulled me back to ham, locking his hand around my other arm. His strong hands bruising every inch, his touch burning and flaring. I lock eyes with the creature of the night. He stares directly back at my soul. Hormones take over, and I feel the urge to kiss him. He looks down, shaking his head. Then he lets go of my arms, which instantly longs for his bruising touch to mend the pain. He walks behind a corner. I follow him. But I can't see him I look around.
The lady looks nice. But who is she? How did I get here again? Where's Spike?
"Come on. It's time for your drugs."
I blink, uncertain. What just happened? A chill caressed my body. And then I notice I'm naked. Why am I naked? I'm preparing to go to the shower, apparently. But… the only problem is… This is not my shower. It's Spike's. Suddenly a pair of strong, cold arms wraps around my waist, a huff at the side of my neck. I heard a low growl in my ear. His arms wrapped my body tighter to his. He was wet, coming straight from the shower. He leaves trails of kiss marks at my neck. I loosen his arms, turning to face him. I kiss him as I wrap my legs around his torso and let him carry me to his bed. I fall down on his bed with a big "thump". Blood rushed through my body, adrenalin kicking in. Everything disappeared in disarray, heat and urge. It left me sitting at a chair, naked, with my knees drawn up to my breast. I stare at him in wonder. Taking in every contour of his body, appreciating it. He grunts in sleeps, then turns around from laying on his stomach, looking at me. I realize in that moment, that I love him. And I have no reason to hide it. I actually feel this. "I love you." There. I've said it. He looks at me, astonished. Then he opens his mouth.
"Buffy, can you hear me?" A black man sits across from me. He looks friendly, but I don't know who he is. I don't know how I got here. I just wanna go back. Back to Spike. I give the doctor a confused look.
"What is this?" I ask.
"Do you know where you are, Buffy?" In my head it doesn't make any sense. I look down as I try to remember, 'cause now everything just seems so… blurry. Perhaps it's because of the drugs. Then I remember.
"Sunnydale… Spike!" How could I forget Spike? I was just with him a few moments ago.
"No, none of that is real, none of it. You're in a mental institution. You've been with us now for six years."
What? That can't be true. I've never been here before, I think. And I was just with Spike a second ago. I look at him, trying to trace any lies, but I can't trace any.
"Do you remember?"
Remember… Oh yes, I remember how I felt. I had just song out the words that couldn't escape my heart.
"There was no pain
No fear, no doubt
Till they pulled me out
Of heaven.
So that's my refrain.
I live in hell
'Cause I've been expelled
From heaven.
I think I was in heaven."
In what other words could I express myself? And now I see that I don't belong in this world. I dance and spin, even when I see smoke curl around me. If I keep this up, I'll end up bursting into flames. Then I'll go back to heaven. I spin, and spin, just until Spike appears and grab my arms. Just like he always does. But he isn't always meant to grab my arms. I wanted… to die. I give him a desperate look.
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living
He stares deeply into my eyes. He reaches out and brushes hair away from my face.
He tries to touch me, but I scramble away and start to bang my head against the wall. This can't be real, this can't be real. Anger wells up inside of me. It's only Spike that can touch me that way. But only apathy is shown on my face.
"It's OK, Buffy. Buffy, it's OK", he tries to assure me. I slowly turn to look at him. How can he say that? I'm in a mental institution, alone. I can't see Spike anywhere here.
"Look. Look who's here." The sound of his voice distracted my thoughts. I look at his direction and sees my mom and dad. Together.
"Buffy? Welcome home, sweetie." My moms voice is nervous but also very strained. As if she's about to cry. Why is she about to cry, I wonder. But it doesn't matter. She's together with dad.
"Mom?"
I can feel my face coming alive, filled with hope but also confusion.
"Oh, baby, you're really here."
"Dad?" I can't believe that my dad was here. He hadn't been around, like, since I was… seven or something.
"She's lucid. Keep talking. Maybe the sound of your voice will ground her." What does he mean that I'm lucid? I can't understand why two very important people in my life is here. And why the most important person isn't here. I look away. I want to go back to Spike. Spike…
"Sweetheart? We've missed you very much." I shake my head. This can't be real. If he isn't here, I don't want to be here either. My eyes gets warm and wet.
My mind returned to him. "Spike…" I whisper as tears stream down my cheeks.
"Honey, can you hear me?"
"Buffy, stay with us, please."
"Please?" I say, smile wide and with big puppy eyes. We lay face to face in his bed. We had… well, burned a lot of energy up, so we got hungry, and now I wanted him to make pancakes for me. He chuckles.
"OK, love, I'll go make some." I squeal in happiness. "But not before I have tickled you!" He attacks me, tickling my sides. I laugh out loud and wriggle in cramps.
I try to sit up in bed, knees to my chest to protect me. I close my eyes with a wide smile, afraid of the horror Spike is putting me through. But then he stops tickling me abruptly. My smile falters and I open my eyes.
What? Why are we at an office. Weren't we at Spike's bedroom just before? I hear the doctor say something and I turn my attention to him.
"…possibilities for a full recovery, but we have to proceed cautiously. If we're not careful…"
"Wait. Are you saying that Buffy could be like she was before any of this happened?" I began to lose interest in the subject. The doctor saw it and then he got up to sit across from me.
"Mrs. Summers, you have to understand the severity of what's happened to your daughter. After Spike's death, her mind has been looping around in memories and imaginary memories she created."
"We know what her condition is. That's not what we're asking." I slowly turn my head up.
"Buffy's delusion is multilayered. She believes Spike is still alive."
"She believes Spike's still alive?" My mom asks. Why does she ask such a question?
"Spike, right, but that's only one level. She's also created an intricate latticework to support her primary delusion. In her mind, she hates and loves him. Every memory, good or bad is with her to support her delusion." What? No. Spike is real. He's alive. I want to say something, but it's like I can't.
"She's surrounded herself with a tense atmosphere with Spike, who are as real to her as you or me - more so, unfortunately. Every time we think we're getting through to her, Spike somehow gets her back…"
"Where is…? Spike, I have to see him!" I try to get up of my seat. I need to see him now.
"Buffy!" My mom says, her voice very high pitched.
"Buffy, it's all right", he tries to comfort me as he pushes me back into the chair.
"He can't hurt you here. You're with your family." What? He doesn't understand. Spike doesn't hurt me. He mends me. Even when he hurts me. So what if I'm with my family, when he's not here, too.
"Spike?" He must be here, someplace. Perhaps he's standing in one of the dark corners. That would be so like him. I mean, he just went to make me some pancakes, right?
"She thinks he's here, right?" What? He isn't? I hold my head and feel tears in my eyes.
"Yes, she does", the doctor replies. I hold my hands tighter to my head, as if trying to not hear their words.
"Buffy didn't know she loved Spike as much as she did, so when Spike died, they were at their peak of their relationship. And because of that she has a clinical depression. " He stops talking to my parents and turns to me.
"Buffy, you know he haven't always made you happy, right?" I look at him.
"The Spike you created in Sunnydale, he aren't as comforting as he once were." I can't believe my own ears.
"Is he? You're coming apart." No. I love him. I break down and cry, while he tries to get through to me, sounding more intently.
"Buffy, listen to what the doctor says. It's important." I hear my mom and I know what she's saying. But I just don't really want to know what she's saying.
"Buffy, you used to create these grand villains to battle against, and now what is it?" Why is he saying all this? Doesn't he know he's devastating me?
"Just a vampire that you don't love and keeps using for your own good."
He opens his mouth, still staring at me, blankly. Well, of course he does. I just told him I love him. He always have told me he loves me. But now I told him. I'm in love with him. All the sex, at first I used him for my own good. But then he came closer to me, in spite of me saying no. I'm in love with him.
"You don't have a boyfriend, Buffy."
"Spike?"
"No, honey. Say it. It'll help you believe it."
"I… don't… have a boyfriend. I know. I didn't fall in love with him. It was Spike… he fell in love with me." I want to explain to them, oh heavens, I want to explain. But my mom just turns to look at my father.
He says: "It's your mind… just playing tricks on you. "
"You're our little girl, Buffy. Our one and only." Her words cut into me and I want to cry.
"We have missed you so much. Mom and dad just want to take you home and take care of you. " Joyce reaches out and strokes my hair. I close my eyes. The feeling of another being touching me hurts. It hurts. Because it's only Spike that have touched me that way. I open my eyes and reach out.
"Spike." I lay in bed with him, my fingers tracing his perfectly featured cheekbones. He grunts. Then his eyes flutters open. His eyebrows knits together.
"Buffy…?" He trails my tears. "What happened?" I give him a weak smile.
"Nothing. Just a bad dream."
"Buffy", he says very intense, suddenly very awake. "What did you dream?"
Tears well over the edge. My voice is tiny and frail. "I dreamt that you didn't exist." He looks confused at me. My breathing hitches as a new wave of tears threaten. "Can you just hold me?" Then the wave comes, and I cry heartbrokenly. I love him. Oh, God, I love him so much. I would never leave him. But I have to. I have to get healthy. "Goodbye…"
"Buffy?"
"I don't wanna go back there", I cry silently, then I look at my mom and dad. "I wanna be healthy again." My mom, dad and I look at the doctor.
"What do I have to do?" I look down, and then at my parents. "Oh, please, help me. I wanna go home with you and dad. " Can't they just take me home? I had somehow just left Spike, which is a very big sacrifice, so can't they just oblige me this one time.
"I know, Buffy. But first you've gotta get better." I look at the doctor. "It's not gonna be easy, Buffy. You have to take it one step at a time." I touch the edge of my shirt and looks down.
"You have to start ridding your mind of those things that support your hallucinations", the doctor says. I look at him.
"You understand? There are things in that world you cling to. For your delusion, they're safe-holds, but for your mind they're traps. We have to break those down." What does he mean?
"Friends?"
"Yes. But I'm talking about those things you want there. What keeps you going back." The answer is so obvious that it hurts.
"Spike." Do I have to get rid of him?
"That's right. Last summer, when you ad a momentary awakening it was them that pulled you back in." Did I have an awakening? I can't remember any of it.
"They're not really your friends, Buffy. They're just…", my mom searches for a word that won't upset me, "tricks keeping you from getting healthy."
"You have to do whatever it takes to convince yourself of that, Buffy. Whatever it takes." I understand what the doctor says. I stare blankly into the air. Then I nod.
I'm in his crypt. He turns around to look at me, smiling, now that I've come back to him. His smile punches the air out of my lungs.
"It's over." I spit it out immediately, so it won't be so hard. Just looking at him gives me heartache. He smiles, and it makes me sadder. Then he moves closer to me.
"I've memorized this tune, love. Think I have the sheet music." Oh, God, how I was going to miss his sarcastic and humoristic tone. "Doesn't change what you want."
"I know that." I pause. I had always come back to him. "I do want you." Truthfully, I do. He looks surprised, but also confused. He knits his brows. "Being with you… makes things… simpler. For a little while." Lie. I have to lie. To protect him. So that he will live on, and I can be healthy.
He takes it a bit more lightly than I do. He doesn't even know that I'm breaking inside. Guess my mask is that good. "I don't call five hours straight a little while."
"I'm using you." I really don't want to let go. I really don't. But right now I have to lie to him. That must be the only way to save him. He stares at me. "I can't love you. I'm just… being weak… and selfish." It's true. I use him to escape the real world.
"… Not really complaining here", he tries to intervene.
"And it's killing me." He really doesn't know how much it does. He frowns. Tears are pooling at my eyes.
"I have to be strong about this", I look down, talking more to myself than to Spike. He grabs my arms, just as he always does, drawing my attention back to him.
"Don't say this." His face and voice dead serious. "I know how you feel. It might be that I have been your teddy bear or your shelter. But you know that now I'm so much more. You love me. You told me you weren't able to feel anything, a long time ago. But you've told me you love me. Things like that just doesn't disappear into thin air. Goddammit! I love you." I could hear that it came all the way from his heart.
I can't do this. I simply just can't do this! I wince because it's too hard emotionally. I don't think I can let go of him.
"It's OK, Buffy. Don't stress yourself."
"Honey, take your time." I nod. I have to do this. I have to do this to come back to the real world. To be… healthy again.
"Make it as easy on yourself as possible. There's nothing wrong with that."
He hugs me, and I panic. No! This isn't why I'm here. He can't make me stay.
"Buffy, you don't have to this. I know what you're going through. And I want you to know, that I'll always be there. Remember what I told you when you came back from the dead?" His words surged through my head from back then.
"Buffy?"
No, no, no, no, no. No! I can't do this. I can't. I love him… so… much. I get up from my bed and seek the nearest corner. Banging my head against the wall, trying to wipe out my best delusion. To wipe him out of my mind.
"It's gonna be OK, sweetheart. Whatever it is, it's not real, remember?" Mom comes closer. She talks to me, but I can only hear her as if I was under water. I clasp at my institution shirt, shaking silently my head. Doubting whether or not to leave Spike behind in my mind.
"Just keep concentrating. I'm right here, sweetie." I slide down the wall, my legs too unstable to hold me.
"But I want you to know that I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but… after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again… do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways… Every night I save you." That's what he had told me that night. Can he save me from this nightmare?
"I don't know…"
"Buffy, look at me." I hear her, but I don't want to listen.
Joyce lays her hands on me, but I don't look at her.
"I don't know. I don't know." Can I really do this? He wants to save me. He wants me. I have to get healthy, right?
"I believe in you."
I pant and quickly looks at mom, then I close my eyes.
"You're a survivor. You can do this."
I lean my head back, still panting.
It was night when I froze. It was so cold here in his crypt. I crept closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I no longer froze. I smiled.
"Spike!"
I stare blankly out in the air, then I begin to bang my head against the wall with the side of my head.
"Buffy? Buffy! Buffy, fight it. You're too good to give in. You can beat this thing."
"Be strong, baby, OK? I know you're afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you've got people who love you. Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you."
I have stopped banging my head and just listen now. I have heard them, but I'm not there with them. There's no real contact.
"We'll always be with you. You've got a world of strength in your heart. I know you do. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself." Images of Spike floods in my head. A thousand memories, a thousand visions. The best delusion.
Joyce strokes my hair, just as Spike had done. Then I look at her, straight in the eye, really look at her.
"You're right. Thank you."
I smile at her.
"Goodbye."
I'm sorry to say goodbye. Then I blink away my tears and break eye contact.
"Buffy."
"Buffy. Did you have another nightmare?" I blink my tears away. Spike. He held me tight to his chest.
"Yes. But I don't think I'll be having any more." I close my eyes.
The doctor uses a flash light to check Buffy's eyes.
"I'm sorry. There's no reaction at all. I'm afraid we lost her."
Please review! ~ Marianne.