Remus had been pottering nervously all day. His small, shabby studio apartment could not possibly have looked tidier. He was in the tiny kitchen area, re-checking for the fifteenth time that he had all the ingredients ready for dinner when there was a quiet scratching at the door. Though the sound was barely audible Remus jumped and dropped the wooden spoon he was clutching with a clatter. He hurried to the door, abandoning the wooden spoon, and pulled it open with so much vigour that the hinges groaned ominously.
Sitting meekly on the doorstep was a large black dog. Remus grinned sheepishly at the dog letting it enter and gesturing at a pile of ragged sweatpants and a sweatshirt which he'd lain out on the arm of the sofa. He tried to ignore the strange sensation of his pulse throbbing in his throat and turned his back on the dog. He did this not only out of courtesy to Sirius, who was currently transforming back into his human self, but also as he wasn't sure he was quite ready to see his best friend, and love of his life, standing completely nude in his sitting room. Instead he occupied himself with chopping his onion into even smaller pieces as Sirius dressed in the clothes Remus had left out.
"Remus?" came Sirius' voice nervously from across the room. Remus looked up to meet his gaze. Sirius looked much the same as the last time they had met but it still came as a horrific shock to Remus who had been half expecting to see his old friend before him, cocky grin in place and eyes full of life.
"How are you?" Remus managed to choke out. "Dinner won't be long," he added suddenly very aware of how thin the wrists were that were protruding from the cuffs of Sirius' sweatshirt and the hollowed look of Sirius cheeks.
"Thanks," he replied quietly. "Remus, you know how grateful I am too you, but you don't have to do this. I can leave if I'm going to be a problem or putting you out in any way."
"Don't be ridiculous," Remus answered a little too quickly. "Sirius, you're my best friend, you always have been. Of course I'm going to go out of my way to help you. You can stay as long as you need – or want – to; I'm just sorry I can't offer you more." Remus gestured glumly at the tiny living space that was all he could afford.
Sirius' face seemed to light up a little and Remus thought he could see a strained attempt at a smile stretch across his face, although it was pained and unfamiliar as though it were something Sirius had forgotten how to do.
"Thanks," he said stepping towards Remus. "I'd hug you but I smell pretty awful to be honest. Any chance I could wash up?"
Remus smiled reassuringly in return and showed Sirius to the miniscule bathroom, which was the only room separated from the rest of the living space. He ran a deep hot bath for Sirius, despite his protestations that a sink and a cloth would be fine, and left him alone with his favourite, thickest towel.
Remus occupied himself then with cooking dinner. He did everything by hand, the Muggle way, trying to take his mind off the thought of Sirius naked in the next room. Finally twenty minutes later Sirius emerged from the bathroom, his long, dark hair dripping down his bare chest; he had only put the tracksuit bottoms back on after his bath. Remus' breath caught in his throat when he saw him; although Sirius looked marginally more alive now, the bags under his eyes lighter and his eyes themselves seeming to have some of their old sparkle back, he was painfully thin. Remus didn't realise he was staring until Sirius cleared his throat quietly and looked down at himself self-consciously; something Remus had never seen him look before.
Remus muttered an incomprehensible apology and averted his eyes back to the food which was now bubbling away in a pan on the stove.
"I wondered if you had any scissors?" Sirius asked with false lightness in his voice, clearly ignoring what had just happened.
"Sure," Remus dug a pair out of the drawer and handed them to Sirius not quite meeting his eyes. When Sirius didn't take them he looked up to see what the problem was.
"Would you mind...?" Sirius' voice trailed off as he tugged meaningfully at his long wet hair.
"Oh, I don't know, Sirius," Remus' eyes widened in surprise. Sirius had always been so particular about his hair, Remus didn't want to mess it up or do it an injustice.
"Come on, Remus," He said. "Look at me; I hardly think you can do anything to make me look worse." Remus looked sceptical. "Besides, it's getting unmanageable this long and I think it might help to make me feel slightly more... human."
Remus felt a twisting sensation in his chest as Sirius blushed slightly and the overwhelming pity wouldn't let him refuse his friend.
Remus and Sirius had eaten a meagre meal of meatballs and pasta. Remus had deliberately given Sirius more to eat than he had and Sirius had been polite enough or maybe just too hungry, not to argue.
Whilst they ate Remus had surveyed Sirius warily. The hair cut hadn't turned out as bad as Remus had expected and Sirius new shorter hair made him look remarkably younger and more like the familiar face that Remus dreamt about so often. Sirius asked a lot of questions over dinner about Remus, and what he had been doing with himself, but he only half-heartedly answered, aware of the one-sidedness of the conversation knowing too well what Sirius had been doing with himself over the past 14 years and feeling partly responsible.
After dinner Remus had washed the dishes by hand and Sirius had insisted on drying them. Then together they had pulled out the sofa bed and made it up with pillows and Remus' thin, spare duvet. There was an awkward moment when they finished, neither knowing quite what to say; it had been so long since they had shared a room at Hogwarts together and they were both trying hard to remember how the days had ended then. In the end Remus drifted away to his own bed telling Sirius goodnight and that he was to help himself to anything he needed.
Remus lay awake for a long time, listening to the sound of Sirius breathing changing to a slow steady pattern. A huge part of him wanted to get up and check on him, just to see his face again, sleeping serenely but he resisted knowing he'd have a hard time explaining himself if Sirius woke up to find him staring down at him.
Remus was just drifting off to sleep himself when he realised Sirius' breathing had changed again. It had become more uneven and ragged. Remus could hear him fidgeting and shifting about beneath the covers and suddenly he began whining and whimpering like a wounded dog. Slipping out of bed, concerned Remus silently moved over to the sofa bed. Sirius was thrashing about under his duvet and the whining was becoming more persistent.
Remus crouched down and reached out a hand to grip Sirius' arm, horribly aware how thin it was under his grip. He shook Sirius gently, whispering his name until suddenly Sirius' eyes snapped open starring horrified up at Remus. Neither of them said anything but Sirius' breathing became more uneven than before, hitching in his chest. He reached out for Remus with his free hand and pulled him down next to him on the bed.
Remus propped himself against the back of the sofa, and Sirius buried his face into his shoulder, wrapping his arm around Remus' chest. Remus was glad it was so dark and that Sirius couldn't see the shock on his face; he hoped he wouldn't notice his heart pounding irrationally either. He sat awkwardly unsure what to say or do until he realised that his chest was beginning to feel wet under Sirius' face; he was crying. Then it came like a second nature to Remus; he pulled Sirius into him, caressing his thick, silky hair with one hand and firmly grasping his shoulder with the other, rocking him gently.
"It's ok, Padfoot," he muttered so quietly Sirius might not have heard him. "You're safe with me." Then the two sat silently clutching each other until they both fell asleep.
In the morning, when Remus finally woke Sirius was already in the kitchen making breakfast. He seemed happier today than yesterday and grinned eagerly when he saw that Remus was awake. The day passed quickly and although neither of them mentioned the previous night there was no awkwardness between them at all. Remus was worried what would happen when they were ready to turn in that night but Sirius erased all worry by beaming at Remus and declaring "Night, Moony," before climbing onto the sofa bed.
Remus fell asleep before Sirius that night but was woken in the middle of the night by the whimpering again. This time he did not hesitate and climbed in beside Sirius as he shook him gently awake. Sirius' eyes were full of terror again when he woke and he instantly pulled himself closer to Remus burying his face again as tears spilled down his cheeks. Remus stroked Sirius hair and made shushing sounds as he gently rocked him again, whispering "Your safe, Padfoot. I've got you."
When the events of the first two nights repeated themselves on the third and fourth night Remus resolved that it was hardly worth him getting into his own bed at night and so on the fifth night under the pretence of reminiscing with Sirius about happier times, tormenting Snape at school, he resolutely sat propped up on the sofa bed. Sirius did not mention it but when they both began to finally drift off he shuffled closer and rested his head on Remus chest again. Though Sirius still whimpered a little that night the nightmares didn't seem to be as bad as they had been and they soon subsided as Remus combed his fingers soothingly through his hair.
The next morning Sirius was up and making breakfast again before Remus woke; as he had been every morning since he arrived and continued to be for the next few days. Remus continued to make excuses to sit on the sofa bed each night until the two men fell asleep clinging to each other; Sirius clinging to the safety and security of Remus and Remus desperate to protect Sirius and never lose him again. It wasn't until the tenth night that things changed.
Remus had been sitting on the sofa bed next to Sirius as usual, chatting about Harry and how like James he was, and Sirius' plans to care for him once his name was cleared as the room had darkened around them. Their voices began to grow thick from tiredness and soon Sirius leaned closer and rested his head in the familiar spot against Remus chest. Remus threaded his arm around Sirius and pulled him closer to him as he shuffled down in the bed so he wasn't so upright.
"Moony?" Sirius whispered tentatively.
"Hmm?" Remus murmured. Sirius twisted his head round to look up at Remus face, meeting his gaze with his dark eyes and looking searchingly into Remus' hazel ones. Sirius' stare was almost intrusive and Remus felt his heart rate increase. He swallowed and attempted to control his breathing.
"I... What..." Sirius struggled to find the words as he stretched up bringing his face closer to Remus', which couldn't tear his eyes away from Sirius'. "Do you... Are you still...?"
"Always," Remus almost breathed the word as Sirius' face moved ever closer. He could almost taste his scent as Sirius' breath played across his face. Suddenly Sirius' hand moved up Remus' chest and brushed the side of his face. Remus' eyes fluttered closed for a moment and he leaned his head into Sirius' hand without thinking. Realising too late his eyes snapped back to Sirius'. Sirius looked nervous and unsure of himself, so unnatural for him, but he was leaning even closer. Their noses brushed ever so slightly and Remus breathed a deep uneven breath.
"Sirius..." he muttered, a pleading tone to his voice. He couldn't raise his hopes to be let down again, and yet the want for Sirius physically ached inside of him not letting him move away when Sirius pressed his nose in closer to Remus' face and let their lips brush softly. Remus gasped a tiny gasp at the contact.
"Moony..." Sirius breathed still not seeming sure of himself; undecided about what he was doing. Remus inhaled the scent of Sirius breathe and had to employ all of his restraint not to just kiss him but he didn't want to push this, he didn't want to rush Sirius into something he might regret. He need not have worried however as Sirius seemed to make up his mind then pressing his lips softly against Remus'.
Remus' head span uncontrollably as Sirius kissed him hesitantly, finding his way. Remus could not respond as he struggled to retain every detail of the moment just in case; Sirius' scent, the texture of his soft lips, the taste of them...
Slowly Sirius seemed to grow more confident, or perhaps more needy and he kissed Remus with more force. Remus felt as though his insides were on fire, burning with his desire for Sirius. He struggled to control himself as their lips moulded around each other, exploring; he didn't want to end this prematurely by pushing Sirius too far, or scaring him off.
Sirius' hands clawed at his back and twisted in his hair as he pulled himself closer to Remus; their legs entwined. Remus couldn't get close enough to Sirius, their bodies crushed against each other grinding as he sought a way to be closer. His hands ran over Sirius body, taking in every contour of his bony frame, down his back, over his hips to his thigh hitching it up higher, closer over his own hip...
When Remus woke the next day he kept his eyes closed trying to decide whether the previous night had been another dream or somehow reality. He listened for sounds of Sirius in the kitchen but instead felt a cool arm twist around his waist. His eyes opened warily, unsure what to expect but he found Sirius' face staring back at him, grinning unsurely.
"Are you ok?" he asked quietly.
"Great, I think. You?" Remus asked disbelievingly.
"Yeah," Sirius replied "Best I've been in a long time." Remus grinned a little awkwardly.
"So... do you fancy explaining what happened?"
"Not really..." Sirius answered simply. "Can you just be happy it did?"
"I'm not sure, Sirius," Remus felt doubt creeping over him. "I mean – were you just checking again or – I don't know – was that something else?"
"Well, yeah I guess I was checking but judging by the fact that I'm still lying here wrapped around you I'd think I got the answers I was looking for, wouldn't you?"
Remus frowned at him for a minute trying to wrap his head around what Sirius was saying; careful not to believe too easily. "You mean – are you saying that – this" he gestured at Sirius' arm around him, "is a – is what – you want to be with me?"
Sirius laughed; it was a welcome sound Remus had not heard properly since Sirius had arrived. "Don't tell me your feelings about me have changed already, Moony."
Remus smirked and pulled Sirius closer to him, unable to believe what was happening. "Not a chance," he grinned before rolling over, pinning Sirius to the bed beneath him and kissing him firmly on the mouth.
A/N: So yeah, this is the original to what is now chapter 9 of Revelations. I don't really like it as part of the longer story or a one-shot but meh, Remus needs some sunshine in his life. As do I, which is why that review button is placed below.
Edit: Since posting this I rediscovered Mysid's 'Go Back to Being Friends' (.net/s/1242856/1/) of which chapter 4 is infinitely better than this is. She writes so well... Go and read that instead! It's better trust me.