A/N: Written for the femficexchange on tumblr/LiveJournal. Prompt (courtesy of bisexualcordelia): Emily/Maya - I'll see you again
This wasn't meant to be a happy fic. But I guess, in a way, it kind of is. Ruby, thanks for urging me to get this up.
Disclaimer: if you recognise it, it's not mine.
She's sitting on the grass under a cerulean sky, eyes shut to allow the sun to beat down on her face. Beside her, there's a discarded notepad and, a little way away, a pen. There's a montage of images dancing behind her eyelids, and she revels in the beauty of them, the sweet joy they foster in her heart, and the warmth that spreads all the way to her fingertips.
She's glad Spencer told her to write at her own pace. To just let the words come and, if and when they did, to just put them down on paper, no matter what they sounded like. Nobody was going to see it, unless you believed in the fact that ghosts walked among us, and so that thought eases the knot of anxiety forming in her stomach. Spencer had just meant it as a suggestion, she's not even sure that the other girl intended for it to be taken seriously. But it was, and here she is, sprawled on the grass of her yard, mourning in the sunshine.
Write for closure. Sure, it sounded silly, but maybe it could work. At this point, to chase away the dark pain that has wound its way around her heart, she's willing to try almost anything. To write a letter to the girl she loves and misses like nothing else in this world.
The scenes that float through her mind's eye give her the kind of happiness only Maya can ignite within her. They also break her heart a little, knowing that those beautiful legs, that ethereal body, will never walk this earth again. But she forces down the pain, shoves it deep into a glass jar in her chest, twists the lid on so tight that it's impossible for the bad feelings to escape. Instead, she lets the joy of her relationship with Maya, the love she holds, paint the canvas of her emotions with nothing but bright colours and joyous memories.
Kisses in the sunshine, in the dark. Hands holding tight, and whispered promises to never let go. Sly glances, and that bubbly kind of nervous anticipation that came with every touch. The way Maya's mouth would form the most beautiful curve she's ever seen, just by smiling. The deep pools of Maya's eyes that would shift with the light, and her emotions, and something she could stare at all day. Something she yearns to stare at all day, just once more.
Tingles race across her lips as she remembers Maya's kisses, the way her tongue would slip inside her own mouth as though it were coming home. The sparks she could ignite with a kiss, with a touch. Her eyes open just a sliver, letting the burn of the sun draw her out of her thoughts and back to earth. She runs her fingers through the grass, feels the solidarity of what's beneath her. Then she sits up, reaching for her pen and paper. One corner of her mouth twists and purses and she stares at the blank page, her mind simultaneously blanking and filling with so many words she doesn't know where to begin. The thoughts bottleneck in her brain, so much racing around but not slowing down enough for her to catch one or be able to voice it.
The weight of the pen in her hand feels strange, as though it's a foreign object that she has no idea how to use. But she reminds herself that, of course, she's done this before. She's written before, and she's spoken to Maya before. It can't be too hard. So she sets the point of the pen on the paper and inhales deeply, allowing the fragrances of home to fill her and drive her fingers to move the pen.
Maya, she begins, because adding a 'dear' feels to formal, and anything else isn't enough. She stares at the one word until time seems to melt into itself, and she's unaware of just how long she's been looking at the name of the girl who still holds so much of her heart.
Spencer suggested this, you know. She thinks it'll help me connect to you, or say goodbye, I guess. But I don't want to say goodbye. Just thinking that word hurts too much.
Tears she didn't know had been forming splash onto the page, causing tiny ripples in the paper. She presses on.
So this isn't goodbye. It will never be. It can't be goodbye if you're still with me. In my heart. My mind. My very being. God, Maya, I miss you. So much. I hope you're happy where you are. I hope it's beautiful, like you. Because down here, things aren't so beautiful without you. You held so much of that. No one here is like you. Your spirit, your drive. The way you smiled.
You changed me. And not just because you were the first girl I kissed. Not just because you taught me what it felt like to be kissed. You were the first person to really teach me to love. I love you. I love your energy, and who I am with you. Was. But I guess I'm still who you made me, and I'm so thankful for that. I know you'd want me to be happy, and I'm trying. But you, Maya, you're not here and I don't know just how happy I'll be. I hope wherever you are, you're not missing me too much.
A deep, heaving breath rattles through her chest, and she refocuses her eyes on the page, fighting to see the words through her welling tears.
I miss you. I miss your kisses and your hands and your laugh. What I wouldn't give to just be able to hold you one more time. I miss everything about you. I hear people talk about an afterlife sometimes. You know, a place where you might be. I guess I hope that there is something like that. That it's all warm and happy. And you're warm and happy. I kind of hope for something like that, because if it does exist, and you're there, then maybe I can be too. Someday. I'm not saying tomorrow, but if you're there, I want to be there too.
The very, very edge of her mouth lifts in a smile.
I know I'll get to see you again one day. I promise.
Love always,
Em.
Hands shaking, she drops the book to the grass beside her and stares at it, feeling the tears run down her cheeks but leaving them unchecked. The sun will dry them soon enough, and she'll be left with nothing but salty tracks. A strange kind of peace settles as she looks at the letter she's written to her love, and the words she's longed to say but wasn't even aware of. She wonders if Maya knows what she's written. Closing her eyes, she reclines until she's back to her former position, spread on the grass, eyes closed and face tilted to the sky.
The tears leak down the sides of her face, but a soft smile graces her lips as she dreams of the moment she might finally have her arms around her girl again.
It's been a long day without you my friend
But I'll tell you all about it when I see you again