My favorite movie of all time is Die Hard. Can I do it with ponies? Let's find out. Let's find out in the most violent, terrorist-shooting, wise-cracking, bad-guy-getting-thrown-through-a-window way we possibly can!

So meet Colt McGrain; he was born a farmer. His cutie mark is wheat. He was, without a doubt, meant to be a farmer. For reasons that he'll explain later, he instead became a city guard –not a royal guard, mind you; those are the best of the best, Equestria's version of the Navy SEALs. Instead he's just a pony trying to make a living. He tries his best and stumbles his way through his job and his marriage, frequently screwing up but doing the best that he can. And now, suddenly, this griffon has started making demands and his men are waving guns around. And, wouldn't you know it, poor Colt is stuck in the building with them. That's some pretty bad luck. What's that? He's also got no horseshoes? Wow, this just isn't his day!

Moving on to the story itself, I'll try to make this as faithful to Die Hard as I can but remember that we're dealing with ponies. There will be changes to the story, but I'll keep them as small as possible. Forgive me for occasionally giving someone a dumb name (What kind of a name is "Ellis" for a pony?).

Please tell me you got the joke about Karl and Harpo. I'll give you a hint: there is a third Diamond Dog named "Groucho". Also, references to the pony side of this crossover are still there, if you look ("You're kidding. You're kidding, right?" and "It was…nice").

Language warning: Colt McGrain talks a lot like John McClane. You know what to expect. That's why this is rated M instead of T! Just, you know, to play it safe.

Colt McGrain was an earth pony, and earth ponies were not meant to fly. He had dwelt on this fact during the ten hour flight from New Canterlot to Coltifornia. The actual flight wasn't so bad, but taking off had been a nightmare. Now, as the X10 Chariot passenger wagon began to approach the runway, he had decided that landing would be far worse.

The pegasus in the seat next to him noticed his apprehension and seemed determined to help him relax. "First time in a passenger wagon?" he asked. Colt nodded, forcing himself to smile. His tan coat and brown mane were both completely disheveled after hours of shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "Yeah, don't worry about it. I've been flying in the bigger wagons for five years now. It used to get to me too." He looked around and leaned in conspiratorially. "Want to know a secret?" he asked. Then, without waiting for an answer, "After you land, find somewhere to relax and unclasp your shoes for a while. Just walk around in your bare hooves. Always works."

Colt muttered his thanks, fighting the urge to buck the pegasus in the jaw as the plane touched down. He clenched his eyes shut and cursed whatever Celestia-damned turn of fortune had doomed him to not only this flight, but the return flight home as well.

As he pulled his luggage out of the overhead compartment the pegasus noticed a handgun in a holster beneath his jacket. Colt ginned at the pony's obvious discomfort. "Relax, I'm a city guard. Trust me; been doing it for eleven years now."

Colt made his way off the plane and through the airport, noting how the typical hustle and bustle was multiplied tenfold on Christmas Eve. He was nearly knocked off his hooves when a filly ran toward someone standing behind him, squealing with joy. "Jeez," he muttered with a bemused smile, "This place is a zoo."

He looked around and saw a well-dressed pony holding a sign bearing his name. Colt hadn't been aware that anypony was waiting to pick him up, but he approached and said hello. "Argyle," the pony said cheerfully. "Argyle Sweater. Nice to meet you; I'll be your driver today."

The drive to the Nagitomi building was not what Colt expected. Somepony had sent a limo to pick him up, but he felt more comfortable riding in the passenger seat up front. Argyle was surprisingly indifferent about the whole affair, though he had to apologize for the fast food wrappers on the dashboard. "So uh, where you from?" he asked as they pulled away from the airport.

"Fillydelphia."

"Wow. You're a ways from home, aren't you?"

"Uh, yeah." Colt watched the skyscrapers as they passed by. "My wife works here. I'm visiting the family for Christmas." He realized what he'd said and had to amend it: "Not that we're divorced or anything! It's just, her career is here and mine is in Filly."

Argyle smirked. "So you mean you refused to move, thinking it wouldn't work out for her. Only it did work out."

Colt sighed. "You talk a lot."

Argyle winced at that. "Hey, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be nosy or anything. I'm used to driving a cab; people expect a little chitchat."

"Don't worry about it." Colt saw a skyscraper that put the others around it to shame. "That the Nagitomi building?"

"Sure is! You've been invited to the Christmas party. Listen, I feel sort of bad for being nosy. You have somewhere to stay?"

"I'm not sure."

"How's this: you get up there and talk with your lady. Then you call me on the limo's car phone and let me know how it went. If you strike out, I'll take you to a hotel."

Colt smiled despite himself. "Way to keep from being nosy. Still, that's a good idea. You're on."

Holly looked up as her friend Berry Punch entered the room. "Hey Holly, guess who's here!" she giggled. "A certain somepony arrived by limo just to see you!" She looked back at the party ponies down the hall, then at her enlarged belly. "Uh, do you think the foal can handle a drink?"

"That foal's ready to tend a bar," Holly joked. "Go on and have fun." Berry left and Holly nearly followed her, but the phone rang. "Hello?" she asked, levitating the receiver with her magic.

"Momma?" a small voice said on the other end of the line. "Is that you?"

"Lucy! I'm glad you called. Listen, Mommy's running a little late tonight but I'll still be home in time to tuck you in, okay? Be good for-"

"Is Daddy coming home?"

The forest green unicorn let out a sigh. "Well…we'll see what Santa and Mommy can do, okay? Be good for the babysitter!"

"Love you Mommy!" Lucy hung up and allowed Holly to breathe a sigh of relief; Colt's arrival was supposed to be a surprise.

Another pony knocked on her door, this one much less welcome than Berry Punch. "Hey, Holly! Holly, hey, Holly Holly Holly! How are you?"

"I'm fine Ellis," Holly sniggered, "But how are you? You look like you've had a little too much of Berry's special punch."

"Nah, I'm okay." Ellis gave her a smile that was all too familiar. "Hey, are you busy later?"

The Christmas party, like the limo ride, wasn't at all what Colt was expecting. There were tons of ponies (as well as several griffons and more than a few zebras) milling about, talking excitedly or drinking inadvisable amounts of spiked punch. He made his way through the chaos until he ran into a face that he recognized, though he had never met Mr. Takagi in person; the dragon was known across Equestria as a savvy, intelligent businessdragon. "Ah, Mr. McGrain!" Takagi exclaimed, showing more teeth than Colt was comfortable with. "Nice to see that you made it! Did you enjoy the ride?"

"Oh, that was you!" Colt forced himself to smile. "Yeah, it was…nice."

"Only the best for our friends!" Mr. Takagi said. Your wife has been a great help to this company. Come, I believe she should still be in her office."

Colt looked around at the impressive atrium. "Nice place you've got here."

"It will be if we can get it finished!" Mr. Takagi laughed. "Celestia knows we've been working on it for long enough. There are still some unfinished floors higher up, but I'm told they should be completed in another few months."

They moved through the party without much trouble, Mr. Takagi's bulk causing most ponies to move aside the moment they saw him coming. Colt followed the dragon up a spiral staircase as he continued to talk about the company's growth and the great strides that it was making. Most of it was, in Colt's opinion, not worth following. He had always known that he had a poor head for finances.

"Here we are!" Mr. Takagi declared. "This is Holly's office. I'll just leave you two to get reacquainted. I have to go address the troops, if you follow my meaning."

Colt waved goodbye, then froze as he saw the name on Holly's door; Holly Tea. Colt sighed and walked into the office, then stopped when he saw that the grey unicorn at the desk wasn't his wife. After fumbling with a container and putting it away he got up so quickly that the chair tipped over. "I-uh, I…sorry, I was just making a phone call."

Holly trotted into the office, stopping Colt from asking what had been in the container. "Ellis?" she asked. "What are you doing in here?"

"N-Nothing, Holly. Hey, is this Colt? We've heard a lot about you, buddy! I'm Ellis, Ellis Quarterly. I'm sure Holly's told you about me."

"Sorry," Colt said, doing his best to make it clear that he was anything but. "Still, nice to meet you."

Ellis shook his hoof a little too enthusiastically. "Hey, pleasure's all mine! Holly's been one of the bright lights around here, you know? She's quite the businesspony."

"Yeah." Colt gave Holly a faint smile. "So I'm told."

Talon Gruber waited patiently in the lobby for the elevator. His men had eliminated the guards downstairs and were busily securing the building at that very moment. "I want no bloodshed at this stage," he ordered, preening a bit and examining a manicured talon. "Shoot only to frighten or in self defense. They must believe that we have no intention of harming them."

"Okay," Karl grunted. Talon fought the urge to shrink away from the Diamond Dog's foul breath. "How do we find Takagi?"

"Takagi's workforce is mostly ponies. There may be a griffon or two present, but I doubt there will be another dragon. Mark my words; finding him will be the easy part. The biggest hurdle should be getting him to talk, and doing so quietly. Theo should be able to deliver on that end."

Arcane Theology ("Theo" to absolutely everypony, friend or otherwise) stood a little taller and smiled. He was a unicorn, and one of the most powerful that had ever lived. His horn could implement magic that, given time, could likely reduce this very building to a fine powder. Besides which, Theo thought it parted his deep purple mane rather attractively.

Talon turned to Theo and smiled. "If Mr. Takagi resists, you know what to do. As do the rest of you, for that matter. Karl, I want you with Harpo for now." Karl grunted his assent and stood beside his brother. "Remember gentlemen, this is Christmas Eve. I doubt we'll have much more to worry about than a few drunken partygoers, so I want no twitchy trigger fingers."

"You'll have to forgive Ellis. He gets very depressed this time of year."

Colt snorted and splashed his face with water at Holly's sink. "Sure he does. I bet the locoweed helps with that." He noticed how surprised Holly looked and quirked an eyebrow. "You're kidding. You're kidding, right? Don't tell me you didn't know."

"Of course not!" Holly insisted. "Colt, that's…are you sure?"

"I'm sure enough, just like I'm sure enough that he's got his eye on you."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Oh no! My coworker has his eye on my flank! Oh, woe is me, so helpless and vulnerable! Come on Colt, give me a little credit; if I can live through a marriage with you then I should have no trouble fending off Ellis."

Colt dried his face and grinned. "Hell, a marriage with me and you could fend off Celestia herself."

"Where are you staying?" Holly asked.

"Oh, I don't know. I'll find a hotel."

"On Christmas Eve?" Holly asked. "Colt, you'd end up sleeping on a park bench." She tapped a hoof against her desk thoughtfully. "We could make it a little easier if you like; we have a guest room. The kids would like to have you at the house." She offered a hesitant smile. "I'd like you there too. I've missed you."

"But not my name, huh?" Colt leaned against the doorframe and crossed his hooves. "You've been 'Ms. Tea' out here."

Holly sighed deeply and said "We had this conversation already."

"We never finished this conversation!" Colt argued. "We're separated, Holly, not divorced. I thought we'd made that pretty damn clear."

"Colt, dragons don't think of marriage as a legal arrangement. A married female becomes property!"

"But you're not a dragon!" Colt pointed out. "You're a pony, and you're married. So what if your boss wouldn't understand? Who gives a flying f-"

"That's just like you!" Holly interrupted. "This is my career we're talking about, and it's important to me! I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye, but you could at least consider more than your own-"

"I think plenty of things other than my job, thank you very fucking much!"

Holly and Colt both fell silent as the office door opened and Berry Punch stumbled in. "Oh, I'm sorry," she mumbled, seeing Colt's glare. She looked at Holly, probably because looking at Colt was frightening her. "Mr. Takagi wants you to say a few words."

"Be back in a minute," Holly grumbled, and left Colt leaning against the door to her private bathroom. He watched the door close behind his wife and stood there for a while.

"Great." Colt backed up to look at himself in the mirror. "That's real great, Colt. Good job. Real fuckin' mature of you."

Talon Gruber strolled out of the elevator at a calm, measured pace. He didn't seem the slightest bit bothered at the number of guns that were being pointed in the air. When they began firing he didn't even flinch, unlike the numerous partiers that screamed and fell back in alarm. "Ladies and gentlecolts!" he announced, his voice rising only loud enough to be heard over the ensuing panic. Eventually his men had rounded up the few stray ponies cowering in the offices down the hall. "Ladies and…ah, that's better."

His relaxed posture starkly contrasting with the aggressiveness of his men, Talon began his speech. "Due to the Nagitomi corporation's tendency to promote dragon worship, we have seen fit to commandeer this building and its owner for our purposes. I can only assume that the enormous green dragon is Mr. Takagi." Mr. Takagi nodded, his face grim. "Ah, good. That should make things easy. I warn you, Mr. Takagi, that if you try to assault myself or my men there will be…casualties. That being said, my name is Talon Gruber and it is a pleasure to meet you."

Colt slid one hoof gently across the thick carpet of Holly's office and laughed. "Son of a bitch," he muttered, "Always works." He glanced at the phone, thought about calling the foals for a while, and lifted the receiver. There was no dial tone, so he hung up and tried again.

Still nothing. Colt wondered if there was a phone in another office he might be able to use.

Gunfire echoing down the hallway startled him and he yanked his gun from its holster. He slid it into his combat harness, which was strapped on over his t-shirt. The weapon was now resting against his shoulder and could be fired at any moment. The rig was controlled by a pressure-sensitive bit that he could bite down on.

Colt eased the door open and peeked outside. What he saw was not encouraging. In this hallway alone he could see at least two ponies and a Diamond Dog, all armed with submachine guns. The compact weapons could fire a huge number of magical bolts very quickly. The ponies all had combat harnesses like his, but the Diamond Dog carried his weapon in one clawed paw. They were searching each room, methodically rounding up party guests and getting alarmingly close to Holly's office in the process.

The Diamond Dog hauled a struggling Berry Punch out of one of the offices and tried to push her in the right direction. "Wait, please!" she yelled, "Oh Goddess, don't hurt my foal!"

"I said move!" the dog ordered. "Go! Now!" He saw the two ponies watching with amused smiles and snarled angrily. Colt used the distraction to slip down the hallway and bolt up the stairs, hoping the echoing of his hooves wasn't as loud as he imagined it being.

Colt didn't notice that he'd forgotten his horseshoes until he'd climbed several flights of stairs. 'Wonderful', he thought, 'Anything else the Goddess would like to throw my way?' He opened a door (quietly!) and noticed two griffons pushing a cart laden with explosives.

'Well, fuck me for asking.'

After a sneaking around for a while Colt had a firmer grip on the situation, and the situation was that he was completely out of his league. He had avoided being seen mostly out of pure luck, and since his luck had been almost supernaturally bad lately he didn't want to rely on it any more than he had to.

Now, as he snuck quietly into Mr. Takagi's office, Colt again wondered what in Equestria he was doing. He would probably be better off trying to head for an exit, except that he expected all the exits to be locked down by now. Colt had never dealt with criminals like this before, but they were well organized and he had no doubt that they'd put a lot of thought into this operation. Getting help wouldn't be as easy as opening the front door.

He'd stumbled into this particular office for two reasons. Firstly, he wanted to see if he could make a phone call; Mr. Takagi might have a private phone line that hadn't been cut. Colt knew next to nothing about how buildings were wired, but it sounded plausible and it was the only idea he had. He couldn't very well gun down a dozen or so terrorists by himself, could he?

The second reason was that he was lost. Colt had no idea where he was and finding the dragon's office had mostly been a happy accident. He'd decided that he might as well make the best of it.

The side door to the office creaked open just as Colt was trying the phone in the reception area. In his panic he almost dropped the receiver, but fortunately he caught it and hid behind the receptionist's desk with a minimum of noise.

Footsteps proceeded into the office and voices began to speak. Colt wished he could see what was happening, but at the moment he had a view of nothing more than the thick and very luxurious carpet.

One voice was Takagi, a grating rumble that resembled boulders smashing together. The other was smooth, cultured, and remarkably calm considering its conversation partner. Colt couldn't make out most of what they were saying, but he could tell that Takagi was not hiding his contempt at being ordered around.

Without warning the room exploded into flames. Colt put his hooves over his head and hoped that the desk would hold out against the firestorm. He found himself shivering, his desire to bolt at war with his need to remain silent, and waited for the chaos to die down. When it was all over he counted himself fortunate to have only a singed mane.

"Very impressive," he heard someone say. "But ultimately useless."

The conversation went on for another minute as Colt slowly worked up the nerve to peek over the desk. He didn't have time to notice much more than Mr. Takagi's huge form surging forward before the entire room seemed to explode for the second time.