Road Trip
a really dumb fanfic by andrivette
Hi everyone! Andri here (obviously). I've been wanting to write a silly fanfic for quite a while now, and now I actually am! A lot of the ideas in this fanfic are just... utter crack, and this is only the beginning. I tried to keep everyone as IC as possible, but I know as it gets crazier it's only going to get more OOC... but that's the fun of crack! Right? Anyway... enjoy! 8D
Hiei had just finished another mind-numbing day of patrolling, and stepped into Mukuro's room, hoping to be able to relax and wind down with perhaps an intelligent conversation.
That was when Mukuro said, "Hiei. I'm bored."
"And?"
"Will you take me to living world?"
Hiei paused only to recollect his thoughts and look at her as if she had just taken LSD, which was entirely possible. "What?"
"I want to go and actually see it. You go there all the time, but I've never been once. So I want you to take me."
"You don't really need me to take you there," he protested, sitting down in his chair to emphasize his point. "It's not like it's all that intricate that you need a tour guide."
"But I want you to. Come on."
Hiei breathed deeply. "Fine, but I'm not going to indulge all your little fancies," he said, though he knew deep down he was doing just that.
And that was how it all began.
-.-.-
When Hiei and Mukuro arrived in the living world, they were standing on a hill that gave a nice view of some of the city laid out before them.
"Now, things are a bit different now that the portal's open," Hiei said. "Demons are beginning to live alongside humans, so while people may know what we are, they might also be inclined to approach us about it."
"I'm assuming then that racial hate has been an issue?"
"Of course it has. Humans always hate anything new before they decide if they like it." Of course the same might have been said about Hiei in different circumstances, but he chose not to think on that for any extended amount of time.
"Well, their opinions don't affect me. Let's go then."
"Go where, exactly?"
"Well, let's go see your friends, first."
Hiei sneered. "Why would you want to do that?"
"I'm sure they all want to see you, and I want to meet them, anyway."
Hiei had never been one for get-togethers, and he couldn't understand the logic behind such a desire. "Well they don't all congregate in the same place."
"Uh-huh. Let's go see Kurama, then."
-.-.-
"Is this how you normally greet them?" Mukuro had asked Hiei when he made the motion to crawl in through Kurama's window as per usual. He chose to ignore her and do it anyway.
"Oh, hello, Hiei," Kurama said as he walked out of his closet. "What's the occasion?"
Hiei glared at the window before answering, "Mukuro."
Kurama's expression was confused for a moment before finally taking the hint and following Hiei's gaze to peer out of his window at the ground below, where Mukuro was standing, her arms crossed, looking off into the distance.
"You brought her here?" Kurama asked, a little incredulously.
"She wanted me to."
"Really?"
"Yes," Hiei snapped, "though I've no fucking clue why."
Kurama held back a comment he was tempted to make about her scoping out the competition and rather said, "So why are you here, then?"
"She wants to meet all of you fools."
Kurama tried even harder to hold back the comment. "Should I call them?"
"Do what you want," Hiei answered moodily, crossing the room as if to avoid the window.
"Shouldn't you invite her in?" Kurama asked.
"Shouldn't you?"
Kurama sighed and went downstairs, deciding that Hiei truly was hopeless when it came to relationships.
-.-.-
Yuusuke was the first person to arrive, which Hiei was grateful for, because he would rather have him get his stupid comments out of the way before anyone else got there.
"You finally brought your girlfriend, huh?" Yuusuke teased, glad that he could torment someone else over their relationship instead of being tormented over his.
"I will kill you," Hiei reminded him.
"Okay, okay, I get it, you're shy."
"Yuusuke, leave him alone!" Keiko reprimanded him, and for once Hiei was glad to have that normally useless female around.
"Sup, Mukuro? It's been like . . . a year," Yuusuke greeted her.
"We've never actually spoken," Mukuro said.
"Oh, right. I'm Yuusuke."
"I know who you are."
"I guess you would, since we were rivals at one point. . . . What brings you to the human world?"
"Curiosity," she remarked neutrally. "Don't worry, I've no intention of invading."
"Yeah, Yomi was the one who wanted world domination and all that, right?"
". . . Right."
Soon after, Kuwabara, Shizuru, and Yukina arrived.
"Can't believe you came here to see everyone, shorty!" Kuwabara quipped when he laid eyes on Hiei.
"I didn't."
"Well if you didn't then why are you here?"
"I wanted to come here," Mukuro interrupted before Hiei could inevitably lose his temper.
"Oh? No offense, but who are you?"
"I'm Mukuro," she answered.
"Oh yeah! That lady that Hiei lives with!" Kuwabara cried, remembering Kurama telling him about that a couple times.
"She's curious about human world," Yuusuke interjected.
"Really? I mean I just thought demon world was a whole lot more interesting," Kuwabara speculated.
"There's nothing wrong with friendly curiosity," Kurama said, saving Mukuro from having to explain herself any further. Kuwabara himself couldn't imagine any person Hiei got along with having a 'friendly' curiosity about anything, but he wasn't about to judge.
"Yeah, back off bro, a girl needs to get out every once in a while," Shizuru scolded him. "This just means handsome over there is stepping up his game."
"It's good to see you again, Mister Hiei," Yukina said to Hiei as she approached him.
"Hn," was all he said.
"All right," Kurama said loudly, "since Botan couldn't make it (at this, Hiei was especially relieved), everyone's here and you can all feel free to help yourselves to the food."
-.-.-
"I like them," Mukuro commented as everyone was leaving Kurama's house.
Hiei was surprised at this, and simply asked, "Why?"
"They're different. But they're . . . friendly."
It was true. Rarely anyone in demon world could be considered friendly or inviting like these people, even if they had a horrible habit of taking pleasure out of annoying each other.
"They're idiots," Hiei said.
Mukuro smiled, though. She knew deep down that he liked them.
"What now?" Hiei asked, curious as to what else she could possibly wish to torture him with now that they were here. He was hoping that was all and now she would want to go home.
"I want to see the rest." Obviously that was too much to ask.
"The rest of what? This world?" Hiei had a sickening feeling that they were going to be here for a while.
"If you want to travel this world, you should probably blend in better," Kurama commented.
"What does that mean?" Hiei questioned, slightly offended.
"You should probably drive around. Seeing people hopping around on buildings or appearing as blurs is probably going to startle the humans. I could show you."
"I'm not interested."
"Show me," Mukuro said.
Why couldn't Mukuro be more practical? Hiei wondered. It wasn't as if he cared how startled the humans would be. Why should she care?
"I'll do so in the morning, if you don't mind," Kurama replied. "It's rather late now, and we should all probably get some rest. I have some extra rooms upstairs."
"That won't be necessary," Hiei said as he walked out the front door, determined to ignore Kurama's ridiculous offer to sleep in a bed.
Kurama stared at the doorway for a moment before glancing at Mukuro. "Is he like this with you, as well?"
"More or less," she answered.
-.-.-
Hiei had been wandering around the human world all day, trying to find something to entertain himself, while Kurama taught Mukuro about those stupid human transportation devices. So far his search for entertainment wasn't going well, as it usually never had when he had been here before. Practically the only exciting thing that had happened was when some human law officer had caught him napping in a tree in a park and insisted that he have a child with him in order to be there, which wasn't entirely annoying because Hiei enjoyed the fact that he himself wasn't mistaken for a child, but he didn't like hearing the policeman mutter something about him being a "pothead," whatever that meant.
After a while he eventually returned to Kurama's house, impatient and ready to move on, hoping that Kurama and Mukuro had finished wasting time.
He found Mukuro standing outside, and he wondered briefly if she had been waiting for him.
"Are you ready to go?" she asked.
"Of course I am. Are you done fooling around with human machines?"
"Kurama is letting us borrow one of his." She opened one of the doors and got in. "Come on."
As much as he didn't want to, Hiei was also secretly curious about how these cars worked, so he only mildly complained as he got in the opposite side.
"It actually isn't that difficult to operate."
"Did you really expect it to be?" The machine rumbled to life and Hiei barely stopped himself from jumping in surprise. Mukuro moved a stick in between them and the car began to move. "So where are we going, anyway? It's not as if there's anything interesting here, so I still don't see why we're going about as if there is."
"Kurama's told me about plenty of places," Mukuro replied.
"And you plan to visit them all?"
"That depends on how much I like the other places we go to."
"You're infuriating."
-.-.-
They had been driving for a while, Hiei becoming gradually more bored until Mukuro had decided to put some strange human music on.
"What the hell is this?" he had asked.
"I dunno," she said, pushing buttons. The music kept changing. Annoying, tolerable, annoying, extremely annoying. . . .
She continued this until she stopped on something semi-annoying, semi-tolerable.
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, you're the one with the map," Mukuro retorted.
"I can't give you directions if I don't know where we're going to begin with!"
"Let's stop here," she said, pulling in to a shopping center. It was dark, and Hiei could see a ferris wheel flashing somewhere in the distance.
"Where the hell are we?"
"Could you stop asking questions and just come with me," she replied impatiently, getting out of the car.
"Hn," he shot back, and decided to follow her against his better judgment.
Mukuro walked into a store (the sign had a pig on it, but Hiei didn't care to observe it any further) and instantly began to scan the first things she set her eyes on.
"Do you plan to actually get anything or are you just here to stare?" Hiei asked.
"Actually I was going to get something."
Hiei screwed up his face at her. "You have money?"
"Kurama gave me some."
Hiei growled. That damn fox was going to pay. Where the hell did he get all this shit anyway?
For a minute they stared at the vegetables, and for a minute they looked at the meat, and for a little while the freezers and all the strange things in them captivated Mukuro's attention, but then she finally moved on to the aisles, where she began picking up boxes and reading them.
"Kool-Aid . . . that sounds like some sort of burn relief."
"What a stupid name," Hiei said.
"Apparently it's a powder that you put in water."
"Medicinal powder? At least they have something intelligent here."
"No, no, it's just a drink. It's fruity, apparently."
". . . Why do I even bother."
Mukuro grabbed some, which consequently caused Hiei to sigh as if he were mourning the sanity of the world.
She continued randomly grabbing things that she saw that apparently looked interesting to her, which were several odd food products including something called dill pickle chips.
"Look, they have water in bottles."
"They make people pay for that?"
"Well someone has to bottle it."
"Are these humans truly so lazy that they pay for other humans to bottle water for them?"
"Apparently so." Mukuro grabbed some.
Hiei nearly lost it.
-.-.-
Hiei was relieved when they finally left the store and loaded up the car. Mukuro decided to put most of the stuff in the back seat so that they (read: Hiei) could reach it.
Mukuro got into the driver's seat and immediately began opening up the Kool-Aid.
"Ugh, don't tell me you're seriously trying that."
Mukuro ignored him and dumped a strange, thin packet of red powder into a (ridiculous) bottle of water, closing the drink and shaking it up. Then she turned the car on so they could continue down the road.
The radio piped, "You're listening to 100.3, The River."
"So what does it taste like?" Hiei asked.
Mukuro took a sip. "It's . . . not exactly fruity."
A strange, annoying song began to play on the radio.
"What?" He said. "Let me see it." He snatched the bottle from her and wrestled with the cap for a moment before taking a sip. "What the fuck?"
"Blinded by the light . . ." the radio sang. "Revved up like a deuce another runner in the night. . . ."
Mukuro burst into laughter. It was the most disturbing thing Hiei had ever heard. "Did he just say revved up like a douche?"
"What?" Hiei asked.
"Shh! Listen!"
"Revved up like a deuce. . . ."
Mukuro burst out laughing again. Every time he sang the line, Mukuro laughed even harder.
The song kept playing, and playing, and Mukuro's laughter got more insane.
"God, you are never drinking this Kool-Aid shit, ever . . . again. . . ."
Author's Notes: And the stupidity begins! If you're confused on the song, go look up "Blinded By The Light" on Youtube... It really cracks me up... Anyway, this first chapter is dedicated to Heidi, who I know can appreciate the ridiculousness of Kool-Aid with me, and to Jessica, who actually had to put up with me laughing hysterically for 10 minutes the first time I heard this song... That is all!
Love and donuts, Andrivette