I do not own anything.
I started this fanfic a while ago and kept coming back to it, and somehow it just developed into the idea of the first love and the fear of unrequited love. The reason why I titled it as Part 1 is because obviously there will be a follow-up. I realized I got so immersed into the characters and story that it became entirely too long for a one-shot, so I had the idea to break it up into two stories that made up a complete story, but could also be stories that stood on their own, if that makes any sense haha. I just had to figure out where and when to break up the story at an organic and interesting point. I'm fleshing out Part 2, so I'll try to post that soon. This is dedicated to all BTR fans, but especially to Kogan fans as I am one! (Clearly)! Enjoy.
Logan and Kendall sat in the town car in silence. Kendall didn't look at Logan; instead he just stared vacantly out the window. The city just looked like a blur from inside the car as they sped on by, with only flickers of neon lights breaking up the dark night. Logan couldn't bare the silence and eventually looked at Kendall, hoping he would at least look at him if nothing else. Kendall could feel Logan's eyes bore into him, but he remained still and kept his eyes out into the night. Logan could no longer remain quiet.
"Kendall… can we talk about what happened last night?" Kendall immediately looked at the driver, feeling a bit paranoid, and then glared at Logan, as though that was the only answer he was willing to give. Logan felt so small and helpless in that moment. Kendall returned to staring out the window. Logan's hurt turned into frustration. He needed Kendall to respond.
"Kendall, what happened between us… I just want you to know I don't regret it." Kendall instantly looked at Logan, this time not caring if the driver could overhear; his eyes stern and serious.
"Is that what you think? That I regret what happened last night?"
Logan was completely confused. He wasn't sure if he should have been offended or flattered. "Well, what am I supposed to think with the way you're acting?"
Kendall swiftly unbuckled himself and scooted closer to Logan. Logan's heart raced since Kendall was mere inches away from him. Although, he did notice Kendall made a deliberate choice to keep enough distance as to not touch him. The blonde leaned in and looked Logan dead in the eyes, "You have no idea what you do to me, Logan. You have no idea how hard it is to go through the day, every day, without touching you… holding you… kissing you…" This time, it was Logan that looked up to see if the driver was eavesdropping.
Logan felt a hard lump stuck in his throat. He was more confused than ever. Kendall's words didn't make sense with how he had been acting since this morning.
"I-I don"— Logan stammered, but was interrupted by the blonde.
"Don't. Nothing you could say could make me feel any better." Kendall said intensely, and then he slid away from Logan and began to look out into the night again. The frustration was building in Logan. For some unknown reason, Kendall seemed like he was blaming and punishing himself for what happened last night, and now he was punishing Logan indirectly in the process. Logan had to convince Kendall there was no one at fault; everything was perfect, at least it was for him.
"Last night was the bes"— But before Logan could finish, the town car came to a stop.
"Alright, fellas. We're back at the Palmwoods." Kendall hastily exited the town car, closing the door behind him, without so much as a glance at Logan, who was momentarily stunned. He didn't understand why Kendall was ruining everything. Everything this morning felt so perfect that Logan wasn't entirely sure how they got to the state they were currently in. He refused to let Kendall leave him with this bitter memory. He wanted, no, he needed the proper memory of last night replayed, even if it did seem like a dim memory now…
Logan was already in bed when Kendall came home. Logan didn't move to check what time it was, but he guessed it was a little past midnight. The brunette was already half asleep, but some part of his consciousness was alert to Kendall's return. He heard the doorknob to their bedroom door turn slowly; Kendall was clearly trying to respect the fact that his friend was asleep. Logan's face was turned to the wall, purposely so to not give away that he was actually awake now. He heard Kendall toss his keys on his nightstand, and then struggling to get out of his clothes, which briefly stopped Logan's breathing. When he finally got out of his clothes, Logan could hear Kendall collapse onto the bed, letting out a sigh.
"Logan?" The blonde whispered a little too loud. "Logan, are you awake?" Logan didn't know if he should feign being fast asleep, or reply and give away the fact that he had been awkwardly lying there, listening to Kendall undress the whole time. He decided to do neither, so instead he pretended to have been woken up by Kendall's voice.
"Yeah… what's up?" He groaned, attempting his best tired voice. It was a pitiful attempt, he thought to himself. "Oh, nothing. Just wanted to talk. I haven't seen you all day. I missed you, was all." Logan's heart picked up speed at the thought.
"I've missed you too." He replied, sincerely.
"Oh, yeah?" The blonde's voice sounding huskier than what Logan was used to. The brunette then heard the blonde struggle to get up from his bed, causing the bed to squeak in the process. Logan kept his face pointed to the wall, not completely sure what his friend was doing. He heard the blonde shuffle towards his bed, and then Kendall placed a warm hand on his shoulder. The brunette's heart quickened again. "Could you scoot over, Logie?" Logan reacted instinctively and did as Kendall requested, moving closer to the wall. Kendall lied down behind Logan; the brunette could feel Kendall's weight pushing down on his mattress. Logan's heart fluttered so rapidly that he feared Kendall would hear it. Kendall lifted his hand and placed it on Logan's back, and began to slowly rub small circles. Logan let out a quiet sigh. Just mere contact with Kendall sent Logan's head spinning. The blonde then leaned in and planted a light kiss on the back of the brunette's neck; Logan let out a heavier unintentional sigh. At that moment, Logan noticed Kendall slightly smelled of booze; this explained the odd behavior. Kendall let out a moan behind Logan's ear, which sent a tingle down Logan's spine. Kendall inhaled sharply, then wrapped his arms around Logan and instantly pulled the smaller boy against his chest. Logan gasped out of shock. The closeness was enough to send him on a high.
The blonde nuzzled his face against the nook of Logan's neck. Kendall clearly didn't shave today, because Logan could feel the blonde's stubble rubbing against his neck. Logan finally gathered enough breath to ask, "Kendall, what are you doing?"
"I want to hold you. Does this bother you?" The blonde replied into the back of Logan's ear.
"No..." Logan replied weakly. Hearing this, Kendall craned his neck over to look into Logan's eyes. Logan twisted his neck around to meet those lovely pale green eyes, and then Kendall's lips crushed Logan's. Kendall's wet mouth worked over Logan's mouth. The slow, sensual kisses picked up pace, and the kisses soon became more hurried and lust-filled. Then the brunette felt Kendall's tongue sweeping his lower lip, requesting for permission to enter. How could Logan refuse? Kendall's tongue found Logan's and their tongues swirled and wrestled with one another, as though both boys tried to declare dominance. Logan could taste Kendall's drunken lips and mouth, but surprisingly it didn't bother him. After all, he was feeling intoxicated as well; intoxicated from the passion Kendall was radiating.
Kendall rolled over so he would be directly on top of Logan, but he never stopped kissing Logan during the movement. The way the blonde was kissing Logan was passionate, no doubt, but also animalistic. Logan couldn't help but reciprocate the passion, so he began to run his fingers through Kendall's dirty blonde locks. Kendall wrapped his arms under Logan, pulling the brunette up towards him, while Logan intertwined his legs with Kendall's. The brunette slowly moved his hands starting at the nape of Kendall's neck and proceeded down his exposed back. Touching Kendall's shirtless body reminded him that Kendall was in nothing else but his boxers; Logan suddenly felt nervous again. Kendall could sense this, so he stopped kissing his friend long enough to ask, "Everything okay?" He sounded genuinely concerned. Logan swallowed hard, "Yeah… I just never thought… I never thought this would happen." Kendall just smiled, and gave his friend a tender peck on his lips. Then he began to rock his hips back and forth, grinding against the brunette, who was in a compromising position underneath him. Logan moaned rather loudly, forcing Kendall to bring his mouth back down to Logan's and resumed kissing the brunette wildly. But a few audible moans still escaped Logan's lips from time to time. The blonde made his way to Logan's neck and began sucking and brushing his tongue against his friend's smooth creamy skin. Logan's throat felt dry; he couldn't properly moan the pleasure he was feeling then.
Kendall's hands slid up Logan's shirt, exposing his firm youthful body. The blonde moved down to Logan's nipples and began to take care of those. His teeth grazed over Logan's right nipple, and he gently bit the skin around it, causing Logan's dry throat to finally produce another moan. Then he began flicking his tongue against the nipple, while pinching the other one, causing Logan to make another round of sounds, only louder this time.
"Shhh…" Kendall warned. Logan was panting lightly; Kendall just resumed kissing Logan's ivory skin. He pulled off the inconvenient t-shirt Logan was wearing, leaving both of them in their boxers. Kendall inched his hand downwards and lightly ran his hand over the bulge hiding behind Logan's blue boxers, teasing the boy. After what felt like an eternity, the blonde pulled Logan's waistband down, fully exposing his stiff member. Logan blushed, fully aware of how exposed he was in front of his best friend, but Kendall gave him an appreciative look. The blonde tossed Logan's underwear aside and quickly removed his as well, exposing his member, which stood erect before Logan's eyes; Logan gulped. The moonlight that shone in through their bedroom window highlighted Kendall's perfectly taut skin, casting soft shadows under Kendall's naturally lean musculature. The blonde then brought his body back down onto Logan's, so they were face to face. He placed his hands on both sides of Logan to hold himself up, and aligned himself so that his member was resting on top of Logan's member. Kendall began to move his body up and down, creating friction against Logan to get both of them rock solid. Moans escaped both the boys' mouths. Once Kendall felt they had achieved enough firmness, he sat up on his knees and lined himself at Logan's entrance, using his pre-cum to lubricate the head.
"Wait…" Logan breathed out. "Go slowly, please Kendall." Kendall nodded, and then slowly pushed himself forward into Logan; the brunette's eyes widened and his mouth gaped open but no audible sound came out. It wasn't until Kendall thrust all of him into Logan that the brunette let out a scream.
"Shhh… it's alright, Logan." He reassured his friend. Kendall lied on top of Logan again, to find the right angle. He supported himself with his elbows, and buried his face into the nook of Logan's neck. Logan pulled the blonde in closer, as if Kendall was still too far away from him. Logan gave his friend a soft kiss on his neck, and the blonde continued to slowly thrusting in and out of Logan. Logan closed his eyes, absorbing each thrust and the pleasures each one held. His toes curled and his fingers were frantically tangled in Kendall's hair. The brunette felt some discomfort, but the pleasure surely outweighed it. In fact, he yearned for more. Logan felt so incredibly light that, at one point, he actually thought he was floating on a cloud. If that was the case, then Kendall was undoubtedly his sun; all the glorious warmth Kendall's body radiated made him believe even more that this was true.
When the blonde came close to his peak, he pulled his face up to meet Logan's, "I'm almost there, Logie… Come with me?" The words chimed through Logan's head. Kendall, his best friend whom he's loved for so long, in so many ways, wanted to share this exhilaration with him. And somewhere lost in an indescribable bliss, Logan and Kendall came in unison, with both boys throwing their heads back in ecstasy. Kendall filled his best friend with all the fervent passion from his release. The blonde's arms melted, causing him to collapse on top of Logan. But Logan didn't seem to mind the weight of Kendall on him. Instead he kissed his best friend's forehead and stroked his hair, while the blonde panted lightly on top of his chest. 'Is this what heaven feels like?' Logan thought to himself. But the notion of heaven didn't suffice, because even forever with Kendall just didn't seem enough. Logan continued stroking Kendall's smooth tresses, looking out at the full moon illuminating their skins, and the brunette couldn't imagine anyone in the world that was more jubilant than he was that very moment. Kendall's breathing slowed down, signaling Logan that his friend was falling asleep. The brunette gave his friend a soft kiss goodnight and closed his eyes too, falling asleep with a smile on his face…
An eyeful of blindingly bright sunlight woke Logan. He shielded the sunlight with his hand and saw his own naked body underneath the sheets. Last night instantly replayed in his mind, putting a smirk on his face. But his smirk suddenly disappeared when he realized that the person, who was the sole reason for his current euphoria, was no longer in his bed.
The brunette tried not worry too much about it. Instead he headed for the bathroom, turned on the shower and waited for the water to warm up. Logan did a double take in the mirror. He couldn't help but noticed how slightly different he looked. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what was different. The reflection staring back looked enough like him, but he somehow glowed. Last night was a turning page in the book of his life; everything he felt about Kendall came to fruition. All the empty and hollow nights of lying next to someone you loved with all your being, but couldn't so much as touch was pure hell. And all the times of yearning for someone with such a fiery desire, but thinking it could never be matched was torment. But now all that was over like a bad dream, and Logan finally felt awakened for the first time in his life.
The mirror began to fog up from the steam, indicating the water had gotten hot enough, so Logan jumped into the shower. The hot water felt nice against his skin, smoothing all the stiffness in his muscles. Logan ran his hands over his smooth body, imagining Kendall's hands in his place; his heart picked up speed at the thought. He traced his index finger along the line of mouth, picturing Kendall's lips brushing against his; Logan had a smile fixed on his face just at the thought. Logan knew he couldn't spend the rest of his day in the shower daydreaming, so he finished up, quickly dried himself and wrapped the towel around his waist. When he opened the bathroom door, Kendall was standing right in front of him, looking more beautiful than Logan even remembered. But something was off with Kendall. His face seemed too severe, his eyes distant, his body slightly turned away. Suddenly Logan felt a panic. He had never done anything like this before; he wasn't sure how you were supposed to act the morning after making love. So instead he played cool and allowed Kendall to initiate everything. The only problem was Kendall didn't speak right away; he just stood there with a look of intensity. The silence was deafening. Kendall finally broke the silence.
"We have to be at the studio by 10. Carlos and James are waiting downstairs," the blonde said lifelessly. Logan waited, thinking that couldn't possibly be all Kendall had to say after the events of last night. He continued waiting, and Kendall continued to remain silent.
"I'll get dress then." Logan mumbled.
As soon as he said that, Kendall turned towards the door and bolted out of the room.
Logan was confused. Was Kendall mad about something? Or could it possibly be something infinitely worse? Logan didn't want to think about it, but could it be that Kendall was embarrassed and ashamed of what he had done with Logan last night? Logan's heart skipped a beat. He prayed this wasn't the reason, that his best friend would now always see him as a drunken mistake. Logan expelled these thoughts from his mind for the time being and quickly got dressed, as he didn't want to make the band late. When the brunette fastened the last button on his shirt, he looked himself over in the mirror, and then reassured himself, 'Everything's fine. Kendall is your best friend, he wouldn't just ignore you.' Logan couldn't seem to find his breath.
Carlos, James and Kendall were waiting in the lobby. As soon as they saw Logan approach, James, who was obviously annoyed, yelled out, "Finally, dude!"
"I call the first town car!" Carlos screamed, raising his index finger above his head to drive the point home.
"So do I!" James shouted to Logan and Kendall, worried that they would call dibs before he could. Kendall and Logan were clearly worried about greater issues than a trivial thing as to who's riding in which town car. James and Carlos zipped right out of the lobby and jumped into the first town car, leaving the blonde and brunette behind. Kendall was looking away from Logan. "Kendall, did I do something… to make you mad at me?" Logan was afraid to ask, but he was more afraid of never finding out why Kendall decided to ruin his perfect world this morning.
"Of course not. Let's get going before we're late." Kendall meant for it to sound reassuring, but the words came out angry and indifferent. Logan flinched at the Kendall's tone. But before he could respond, Kendall had already picked up his bag and headed out the lobby. Logan stood in the busy lobby, while his heart quietly shattered inside.
"Ahem, Mr. Mitchell? We're back at the Palmwoods." The driver said to Logan through the rearview mirror.
"Oh. I'm sorry." Logan mumbled. "Thank you."
The brunette grabbed his duffle bag and headed towards the Palmwoods. The day at Rocque Records was nothing short of distracting for Logan, since Kendall wouldn't make any eye contact with him. And it was an especially unproductive day for him, because he couldn't concentrate on anything else but the panic in his head. He needed a response from Kendall so desperately, a response he knew he wouldn't be getting tonight. It was futile to try; it was a wasted attempt to think. He knew he eventually had to move on, even in the literal sense, because he was barely making any progress to the Palmwoods, so he forced one foot in front of the other; it was like he had to remind himself how to breathe again.
When Logan made it back to the apartment, he paused in front of the apartment door. He didn't want to proceed just yet. He wasn't sure what his fate would be behind the door, so instead he closed his eyes and pictured Kendall. The memory of last night filled his mind, with the strongest image being of Kendall's soft lips against his for the first time. Logan smiled to himself. He continued to stand in the empty hallway, tears beginning to form as he was replaying this image over and over again. He loved Kendall so blindly, so stupidly… And then he replayed the image in his head one final time, with tears streaming down his face.