Song-fic based on I need you to Love Me, by BarlowGirl

I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME

I did it. I went and saved Edward. Yet, after the initial shock and joy he showed at that fact that I was alive, we returned back to Forks. It thought this meant that things would go back to how they were before. I thought we would fall back into the easy pattern that was my life. That is not what…Edward had in mind. He fed me some crap about how when he left it was better for me. I would heal eventually from all of this, and when the time came, I wouldn't even remember who I was when I was with him. For a moment, this fire burned inside me. I wanted to get Charlie and make Edward read his mind, make him see what I was like when he left me. Before I got the chance, he was gone again. He had left my life again, and this time, I knew that nothing I did could make him come back. That knowledge drove me down, further down than I had ever been. Charlie was scared out of his mind. Yet that knowledge did nothing for me.

This time though, there was one exception, and Charlie called it in right away. The day after Edward left me… for good… there was a knock on my door. Before I could make sure that no one entered, you, my best friend Jacob Black entered the room. You saw my face and were kneeling on the floor by the head of my bed before I could blink. You had my hand held in between his giant hands, and looked me in the eyes, pain evident in his. "He's gone," was all that I was able to croak out. But that was enough for you. Before I knew what happened you were in the bed and I was in your arms.

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?

I was crying and you were there, helping me through it all again. I just didn't understand. I had hurt you so bad. I knew how you felt, and I left anyways. I knowingly hurt you Yet… here you were, taking my tears in tow, and doing all that you could to help me… again.

In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.

How was it that no matter what it is that I did, you kept coming back to my side? No matter how many times I hurt you by turning you away, no matter how many times I fell apart because he wasn't by my side, you kept coming back. Why is that? How can you put yourself through this over and over again, when I can't avoid doing the one thing that would make it all worthwhile for you? I left to go and save him. In that moment in Alice's car, I thought for sure that you would never be able to forgive me. But you're here. You're here with me right now, and I just can't comprehend why or how you can put up with me over and over again. I didn't deserve it… any of it. I pushed you off of me and got up off my bed. "Jacob… wha-, wh-… I don't deserve your help, and your comfort Jake. I don't deserve anything that you give me! I left you! You need to do the same thing. You need to leave me. I'm no good. I'm broken and I just can't be what I was before. I can't be that girl that was your best friend." I stopped my ranting to finally look up at Jake's face. He was wearing a sad smile. "Silly Bells… you were never broken in my eyes. You are perfect to me. Nothing that happens to you is going to change that simple fact. I love you Bells, you're my best friend, and I just can't stay away when I know that you're hurting."

This is the reason that I can't keep you from me. The things that you say and the actions that go along with them… You make me feel so much better. I knew from the beginning, when I came to you with those stupid motorcycles, and you actually made me smile and laugh, that I would need you from then on. As long as he was gone, I was going to need something so special to help me through. I don't deserve you. I have never deserved you. Even when we were kids… I always wanted to ditch you and hang out with your sisters… yet, when they inevitably pushed me away… you allowed me to join in whatever game it was that you had created. You continue to do this now… No matter how many times I have pushed you away, you're always standing there with your arms wide open, ready to accept me once again. After everything, I know that it isn't fair that I need you… but I do.

But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me

I realized it then. Your love was the only thing that was going to keep me whole for the rest of my life. I had been so hurt and so focused on Edward that I didn't realize how fixed I was. How you cured me, when I thought that I couldn't ever be the same again. Yet, the person that I became around you was a person that I hadn't seen in so long. I hadn't seen her since before Edward. This person could laugh. This person could love… whether or not it was as strong or as cosmic as the last time…she could still do it. I needed you, Jake. I needed your love to keep living. So it was that moment in my room one day after my heart had been even more shredded than before that I decided that I needed your love, and that I would do whatever it took to get it and keep it for the rest of my life. I didn't deserve the love, but I was going to take it… because I needed it to survive… I needed you. During my realization you had moved off my bed and were looking at the trinkets on my dresser. "Jake," I said. You turned around and looked at me. You were worried, I could tell by the look in your eyes. That simple fact… that you cared, was the only reassurance that I needed. I took a deep breath and said the only thing that I could think to say, "I need you to love me Jake, I know I don't deserve it or you, but I need you."

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
Could cherish me

"I know that I have spent the last months telling you that we could only be friends. And now that I have realized what I need, I will never forgive myself for pushing your love away. I just…I didn't get it Jake… I didn't understand that your love was better than the love I had already experienced. I didn't understand that your love was healthy. I'm just so damn stubborn, and I had myself convinced that I could wallow forever, and that I could never be anything, that without his love, I was nothing. He was everything Jake, and I thought that I was everything to him. And when he left me I just didn't want to be me, I didn't want to feel anymore… ever again even. But when I was with you I just couldn't help what I was feeling. I felt happier and better. I was just too stubborn to admit what that meant. But now I see it. I see that you can treat me like I want to be treated. I can be cherished by you. And right now that's what I need."

And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have

"I know now that I will never deserve you. I know that nothing I do for you will ever add up to all that you have done for me. But what I'm saying is that I want to stop pretending that I already deserver you, and try to become the girl who does. I need you Jacob Black, and I need you to love me."

Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

"I really can't think of another way to say it Jake. I know that if you love me, my heart will forget what it was like before you. I will forget the person I was after Edward left me and I will be the person that I was meant to be, the person who I truly am. This weak person cannot exist anymore… because I won't let her. I need you, in order to be me. I hope that that makes sense. I need you Jake. That's all there is to it." That was all I had it in me to say. I realized then that tears were running down my face. Looking down I wiped them away and then took a deep breath and looked up at you. I couldn't believe what I saw there. You were looking at me like you always do, except I was really seeing it for the first time; so much love and so much dedication. And this time, I knew that I was returning that look. And you, you just smiled at me… "Sure, sure. Took you long enough Bells." And that was all it took. I ran across the room, tried to jump onto and over my bed but only ended up falling. You caught me like you always had, and from now on like you always would. That was enough for me. "I love you Bella Swan, you know that right?" he said with a smile… my smile. "I love you too Jacob Black." My Jacob.

*Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyer, nor am I Barlow girl. This is just something that I thought really worked well together. None of these characters are mine, and neither is the song.