The Shadows of My Past
Chapter One: Going Under
To the Reader
Following the tradition of the manga and anime, this Yami no Matsuei / Descendants of Darkness PG-13 fan fiction is shounen-ai (guy/guy relationships and/or hints of guy/guy relationships). The pairings will be obvious, as the story progresses.
This is the first fic that I'm writing with a first-person POV (it is hard to write first-person POV and it will feel weird for a while, but I'm up for the challenge), so please let me constructively know as to what I can do to improve the story.
By the way, thanks to Proxima Centauri, Dorian Gray, and Anyuta for their wonderful feedback. Luna-chan and Dorian, I made the changes that you've suggested in your reviews ;-D Hope that all of you guys continue keeping me up on my toes, especially since I'm learning a lot from you.
I hope that you would enjoy reading this, just as I would normally enjoy writing this fic. Let me know what you think of this Tatsumi-centered fanfic via your reviews. I really need to inspire the muses, so I wrote the first chapter of this long-planned fic before my update for Kyoto Files Revisited.
I also started a C2 community with Angel of the Eclipse and Dorian Gray. The C2 community will build an archive of good-quality YnM fics that will undergo a review process. We want to highlight those fics, as well as their talented authors. So if a fic is featured in the community, it means that it passed the quality standards set by management and staff. So feel free to email either Angel, Dorian, or me with your recommendation or suggestion - whether it be your own fic, or someone else's fic.
Warmest Regards, Zatken
Timeline: Late afternoon, Fall 1999
Location: Shokan Division, Meifu
"Just get it over with, Tatsumi Seiichiro. It's about time that you face this dilemma," I mused, as I pushed back my light-framed glasses towards my face and glanced at the wall clock.
The clock indicated that it was now ten minutes to three...almost time for the office's twenty-minute afternoon break. Two hours and five minutes from now, my one-week hiatus from work called vacation would begin - a frivolous, unwelcome luxury for me if it was not a Division-sponsored activity.
Staring afterwards at the serving tray that I have been busy with for a while, I did a mini-inventory of its contents: a steaming pot filled with fragrant tea, biscuits, porcelain tea cups, and matching porcelain saucers for two.
Good... Everything was now complete.
Once again, the coaxing voices inside my head impatiently said, "Go on! What are you waiting for? Just get it over with..."
Letting out another sigh, I carried the tray and strolled outside the office. The lazy afternoon sun, floating sakura petals, and the cool breeze greeted me and granted me some calming comfort that I needed so dearly at this time. Each step that I took away from the office and towards the open field was more calculated and heavy. My eyes scanned for the person that I wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with for a very long time.
Just as I thought...
Tsuzuki laid on the lush grass underneath the ever-blossoming sakura trees. Using his trademark black trench coat as a mat, he stared at the pinkish-white blossoms and the comforting blue sky just as he always did whenever he wished to ease his mind.
"I wonder if thoughts about the past - our past - ever comes in your mind on moments such as these..." I pondered about Tsuzuki as I served as a silent spectator while he bonded with our surreal surroundings in Meifu. As a half-smile escaped my lips, my mind flashed a very familiar image. My mind's eye vividly saw Tsuzuki's expressive amethyst eyes and the special way that they amplified the good-intentioned purity of his heart.
The tea's aroma mingled with the afternoon air and broke the spell of that mesmerizing vision. After letting out another sigh, I then approached him with a gentle and inviting smile. "I've brought something to keep us warm. Why don't you join me?"
As Tsuzuki sat up, I set the tray on the table and he joined me for tea and biscuits. Once our cups were filled and I handed one to him with the accompanying saucer, I leaned back and enjoyed my share of the hot beverage. My glance stayed with him the entire time as he sipped from his cup and closed his eyes in comforting satisfaction.
Minutes later, he placed his empty cup before me with a slight blush on his cheeks and a semi-pleading glimmer in his eyes.
Recognizing as to what the gesture meant and shaking my head in amusement, I poured a second helping of tea for him. It was just so typical of Tsuzuki to do such mannerisms that would make it so hard for one to say "no" to him.
As I refilled his cup, I thought about one important fact about Tsuzuki...
Tsuzuki was not the same person who isolated himself for days after a retrieval, cried his heart out of guilt and remorse, wished for things that could not be, and almost pulled me down along with him from decades ago. The Tsuzuki that sat across from me was much stronger and more stable thanks to Kurosaki-kun, the latter now serving as his trusted partner and emotional anchor.
For a split second, I felt sad from being reminded of the reality of who I am and how I have been to Tsuzuki. How I wish that I could do the same for Tsuzuki as Kurosaki-kun had unselfishly been willing to do for him. How I wish that I could offer myself for him so readily and so unconditionally. Once the realization set in my heart that I could not do such sacrifices for Tsuzuki, I tried to let go of my guilt-ridden sentiments that very moment and failed.
I did not want to hurt Tsuzuki again, especially since I have done that to him many times. God, please do not let me be the one to make him cry again.
Knowing that he was drinking Tsujiura green tea, one of his favorite treats from Kyoto, Tsuzuki looked up to me with a satisfied sigh. "Thanks, Tatsumi... I needed this today."
Refocusing to the present, our eyes met when I told him in agreement, "Me, too... Good tea always works wonders for the body and soul."
A long period of comfortable silence filled the air between us before he looked up and asked me, "Do you mind if I ask you a question, Tatsumi?"
"Not at all," I replied while placing my cup and saucer on the table.
By this time, Tsuzuki was already leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table. His right index finger playfully and repeatedly circled around the rim of his teacup. "You normally don't drive your car unless you've planned to go far after work. Where exactly are you going for your vacation. How are you planning to spend your time?"
I abruptly stopped for a minute, slightly frowned, and then thoughtfully responded with pursed lips. "I really don't know, Tsuzuki-san. I plan to go where my car would take me."
It was now Tsuzuki's turn to be stunned. His gentle eyes rested on me. "That's so unlike you to go on an unplanned trip, let alone take an actual vacation from the office. Is everything okay with you?"
"Everything's fine with me," I responded as I focused my sights on another group of sakura trees many feet behind him. The trees helped me provide for him the illusion that I was looking into his eyes and telling him the truth. Actually, I did know where I was going two hours from now. I was also avoiding his probing eyes.
A genially smiling Tsuzuki gazed at me for many minutes as I closed my eyes and drank more tea. Although he did not tell me his very thoughts, those eyes of his gave him away...they always did.
With his voice reflecting such vulnerable sensitivity and comforting warmth, Tsuzuki told me, "If there's anything that I can help you with, don't hesitate to tell me. It's the least that I could do for you, Tatsumi..."
When Tsuzuki uttered those words, my heart froze. I could not go on with what I intended to do this very moment. I wanted to tell him what I needed to tell him for decades, especially matters regarding these past few months.
I guess that today was simply not the right time for such revelations.
Once tea break was over, I marched straight into my office and ignored everything else around me. Entering my safe haven in the Shokan Division, I closed the door behind me, leaned against the wall, and took in slow and deep breaths. I removed my glasses and placed them in my coat pocket, closed my eyes, and pinched the bridge of my nose to relieve some tension.
My heart was crumbling and burdened. My stomach was in knots. My body trembled out of anger, frustration, and sadness.
"Work," I mused in resigned desperation while my eyes remained tightly closed. "I must keep busy and tie up some loose ends before I leave for today..."
I slipped behind my desk. The paperwork before me, which was neatly arranged in piles, did not provide the solace or isolation that I sought and gained for many years.
Maybe looking at those latest financial statements and projections would lift this dreary feeling. It would be worth a try. Numbers and money mostly gave me a semblance of control and truth, especially on times when life was not making sense to me.
Today happened to be one of those days...
Grabbing the folder propped in the middle of my desk, I combed through the statements and projections that I have been working on for weeks. I should have been happy with what the statements had to tell me. The financial reports indicated that although we were still at a deficit due to Tsuzuki's repeated destruction of property, the negative figure had gone down by forty percent compared to last quarter's reports. My heart sank even deeper knowing all that I could manage for what should have been a major victory was a split-second wry smile.
Right... I should have been happy, but why the hell do I still feel so unaccomplished...so empty?
Taking in the deepest breath that my agitated state could muster, I rested my chin on my right hand and kept my eyes shut while my left hand drummed a pencil on my desk. I did not realize how fast my heart had been racing for the past thirty minutes until now.
"Did you tell him?"
The pencil in my hand broke into two and I held back my breath. It took a while before my unaided vision helped me to identify who had been observing me all this time.
Watari Yutaka - the owner of that voice - waited for me to recover, gave me his lighthearted smile, and occupied the chair across from my desk. His tone might have been affectionate and happy, but I knew that it laced a hint of concern. "You should smile more often, especially when you look like that..."
"I look like death warmed over, don't I?" I finished his sentence with a rueful and twisted smile while staring at the financial statements before me.
"No, silly... You look very handsome without your glasses on," Yutaka whispered with a tinge of seduction in his voice.
I glanced upward and tried to hide my face behind financial statements. I tapped over my pockets and fished for my glasses. Once the spectacles were on, I could now clearly see Yutaka's amused expression and 003's happy flapping. The two looking back at me caused me to feel the burning of my cheeks intensify.
Playfully flicking off grayish ashes from his now-crumpled white lab coat, Yutaka reminded me, "I thought that you wanted to talk with Tsuzuki this afternoon. You wanted to tell him about us."
"I wanted to make things right between Tsuzuki and me. I wanted to make things right for us. I tried to tell him about us, but I just couldn't do it," was my tightlipped remark while staring into those spectacled honey-colored eyes. My tone might have sounded matter-of-fact and my face might have shown composure, but I was suffocating inside.
"Seii, I really believe that he'll be okay about us seeing each other. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd be happy for us."
I could not look at Yutaka straight in the eyes when I told him, "I know that about Tsuzuki, but..."
Shaking his head and sweeping away some of the unruly blond hair behind his ear, Yutaka stood up and went behind me. Resting his hand on my shoulder, he bent over and whispered in my ear, "You put too much meaning in everything. Take things in stride. Your vacation officially starts now."
I looked at my wall clock and confirmed that he was right. It was now five in the afternoon.
"Well, I'm not going to hold you up," said Yutaka as he gave me a light peck on the cheek. "Have fun on your vacation. Don't forget to bring back a souvenir for me."
Before Yutaka was able to walk away from me, I held his hand and pulled him closer. "Aren't you going to ask me where I'll be for a week?"
Referring to our agreement of taking matters slow, steady, and sure, Yutaka touched my face. "There's no need. I'll wait until you're good and ready to reveal such things to me."
"Yutaka..."
In the middle of me fumbling through unrecognizable syllables, Yutaka shushed me and leaned closer until he rested his forehead against mine. Our lips eventually touched - one hungrily claiming the other each passing second as we shared another stolen yet comforting moment. The time and my worries seemed inconsequential until he stopped and stared into my eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked and gazed at him through my fog-filled glasses.
Honey-colored orbs studied me for a while before their owner inquired, "Are you... Are you all right, Seii?"
"You're the third person who had asked me that question," I said with a though-filled sigh as today's dark cloud hovered over my head once more. My stare wandered and rested on the wall clock.
It was now five-thirty in the afternoon.
Without warning, I picked up my leather briefcase, stole another kiss from a still-stunned Yutaka, and told him before I rushed to JuOhCho's employee parking lot, "I really have to go. I'll call you once I return from vacation. I promise..."
I finally reached my destination - a lone mansion situated at the outskirts of Meifu.
For more than an hour, I sat inside my car drumming my fingers against the steering wheel and deciding on whether I should pull through with my plans.
There were times that I cursed and wanted to kick my head for the insane notion that something good would come out of this one-week visit. Why the hell did I feel the need to go through with this one-week vacation when the whole week would have involved matters other than relaxation?
Shaking my head, I mused, "Right, Tatsumi. You told yourself many times for the past months that you wanted to set things straight with everyone...that you wanted to start anew, especially with Watari being in your life now."
I could not help but let out a longing sigh. I kept thinking about Yutaka.
Unknown to almost everyone in the Division, Yutaka and I have been spending intimately stolen moments together since our return from the Tsuuri Troy-Kyoto case...moments such as that stolen kiss inside my office.
Chief Konoe, however, knew about my relationship with Yutaka even though he never asked questions or pried for more information. He and I had an unspoken understanding to keep this matter between us. I appreciated and valued the fact that someone else knew about this very important and privy information about me. He was also the only one in the Division who knew where I would be for a week. He intended to keep my whereabouts a well-guarded secret just as he always did regarding Tsuzuki's dark past.
As my eyes narrowed from gathering all the strength inside me, I grabbed my keys and stepped out from the car. My wandering eyes noticed the full moon highlighted by the starless sky. The chilly breeze blew some of the sakura petals and made the loose blossoms float as if they were fragrant feathers.
I tried, for the last time, to sigh and let go of any uncertainties within me. My surroundings struck me as beautiful but also dark and ominous.
Should I take everything that I see and feel as well as everything that had gone so wrong today as signs for me not to go through with my plans?
Marble steps were now before me. Each ascending step that I took towards the heavy antique doors became more calculated. I dug my hands inside my brown trench coat pockets and felt the indentations from my individual keys against my gloved hands. I felt as if I was falling into a trap but how could that be since I was the glutton who had asked for this one-week punishment?
Before I had the chance to ring the bell at eight-thirty in the evening, Watson opened the door for me and said, "Welcome, Tatsumi-san. The Earl is expecting you." After I gave the courteous butler a slight bow of acknowledgement, he then led me to the dining area.
I froze from where I stood - a few feet away from where a sumptuous feast was spread over the long dining table. I looked at Watson, and then glanced over to my host for this one-week vacation. "Y - You really didn't have to go through such trouble."
The Earl rose from his seat. "Don't worry, Tatsumi-san. I won't ask you for any favors just as I do with Tsuzuki. I extend the same warm welcome to all my guests. At the same time, I know that your Sensei and Konoe would like for your stay here to be pleasant. After all, the two gentlemen are long-time friends of mine."
A long and awkward silence filled the air as one of us waited for the other to react, move, or respond.
My host eventually gestured his gloved hand at the antique chair nearby me. "Please sit down and feel at home."
I just stood there and stared at the Earl for many minutes, thinking, "Maybe I should just turn back, go home, and hibernate in my room for a week. Maybe it would be best not to go through this plan that I have in mind."
Crossing his arms over his chest, the Earl chuckled for a split second before reminding me, "Tatsumi-san, you were the one who asked for this favor. I've already agreed to grant your request and you're already here. Why don't we make the most of this experience? Please sit down and enjoy my hospitality."
As much as I knew that my Tsuzuki-crazed host meant every word that he said to me, the fact that he and I squabbled for many decades made the start of my vacation more nerve-wracking. After a good five-minute stare and with neither one moving from where he stood, I relented and joined him at the dining table. I was still awe-struck from the elaborate preparation for my arrival and still wanting to abandon my own plans for the week.
My stomach acid was on overdrive as I persecuted myself for stooping so low and asking the Earl - out of all people - to help me. I pictured the lecher smirking over the fact that Tatsumi Seiichiro must be so desperate to have asked for his help. I hated the notion that the hentai, or anyone, could slap this favor against my face throughout my entire afterlife.
The truth is that I am desperate. I need to put everything in my life to order, once and for all.
Another hour dreadfully passed as the Earl and I ate in silence...the very first time that we sat together without the exchange of acerbic remarks hidden in contrived civility. Admittedly, though, I became more used to the Castle of Candles' rather nostalgic atmosphere.
Since then, the time flew by more painlessly as the Earl gave me a tour around the mansion and then escorted me to a guestroom that was prepared for my planned visit.
By this time, the grandfather clock let out one reverberating chime. Glancing at my wristwatch, I just confirmed that it was now eleven-thirty in the evening.
My host asked me, once the chime was over, "Do you still wish to continue what you've intended to do, even though it means that you might not be able to change anything?"
"Yes, I do."
The Earl's masked moved, hinting that he was looking at the huge metal door at the end of the long and wide hallway directly behind me. He extended his arm and lay open the palm of his right hand. "Give me your right hand."
I gingerly gave him my hand, which he caressed until my open palm rested on top of his hand. My eyes narrowed, as thoughts of my hentai host taking advantage of the situation played within my mind.
With a tone suggesting that I should reconsider my decision, the Earl asked me, "Why do you wish to explore the Hallways of the Past?"
My heart pounded more fiercely with anger and frustration. "I want to win back my peace of mind."
As I tried to reclaim my hand, I realized that I could not remove it from where it now rested. I could not even move a single finger or muscle. Panic waved over me and I saw my shadows swirl around us and react to the fear and adrenaline coursing through my veins.
Once again, the Earl asked with a firmer voice, "The truth, Tatsumi-san... Why do you wish to explore the Hallways of the Past?"
Many minutes passed with my eyes closed. I concentrated and made my final efforts to maintain a semblance of self-control. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual drain brought by today finally caught up with me. My voice quaked as I looked at the Earl straight in the eye and told him, "I don't know..."
My hand tingled and felt heavy. Opening my eyes, I saw a foreign object resting on my palm - an ornate golden key adorned with an eight-pointed star in its tip.
Letting go of my hand, the Earl then told me, "In your hand, Tatsumi-san, is the key to your past. The key would have never appear for you lest you are truthful enough to tell it why you wish to open its doors. The key in your hand will physically exist for one week. After that alloted time, the key would then disappear. I leave it up to you on whether you'd actually use it or not."
Without removing my gaze at the golden key, I let out a troubled sigh. Minutes later, I tightly clutched the key in my hand. "What else do I need to know should I decide to explore the Hallways?"
"You'd relive your past as well as all the joys and pains associated with it. During your stay inside the Hallway, you'll remember all your present memories. You won't be able to change the course of destiny, even though the years made you wiser. Once you reach the memories replaying the last second before you used the key, the Hallway would release you from its spell but wouldn't allow you to return to this realm until you tell its Guardian the absolute truth."
"I understand..."
"I bid you goodnight, Tatsumi-san. I wish you luck."
The Earl then walked away from me, his booted footsteps echoing against the granite floor.
"Wait..."
Once my host turned around to face me, I turned pale but mustered to ask, "Why did you agree to help me, after -"
"After all the bitter spats between us, most especially that outrageous lawsuit you filed against me months ago?"
I quietly nodded my head.
I saw his floating mask repeatedly shake from left to right before he told me with such melancholy, "We love the same people and are doomed to watch over them at a distance. Our methods of showing how much we care for our loved ones are different. You push away those who you love most, yet you'd protect them with all your might. You would rather have them think that you're an ogre. You would rather have them hate you - all while you have been there fore them watching over them. There is no peace in such a position."
A pause of silence filled the air, only to be broken by the twelve chimes coming from the grandfather clock. The nervous beating of my heart synchronized with the calculated sound. My eyes slightly narrowed as the key in my hand began to glow.
The Earl looked down on the floor and admitted immediately after the last chime was heard, "I don't know what you'd gain from traveling through the Hallway. I'm taking a leap of faith that your journey would give you whatever you need. Tsuzuki is very special to me. I know that if I help you, or anyone who is special to him, I'll be indirectly helping him. Helping you is one of my ways of showing how much I really care for that child."
I stood for many minutes to absorb the Earl's truthful words. Something within encouraged me to give him a reverent and grateful bow - the first sincere one that I was more than happy to give him since decades past.
As the Earl returned the bow that I have given him and had left me alone the vast hallway to contemplate my decision, my attention was split between the glowing key and its intended door.
Clutching the precious object in my hand, I walked towards the end of the hallway, inserted the key into the hole, and opened the door.
The shadows that served as my servants, defenders, and aggressors for many years swirled around me as a dank and dismal void greeted me.
The door closed behind me, left me in total darkness, and prevented anything - or anyone - from coming in or leaving the room.
The last sensation that I felt were the shadows brushing and swirling around me.
My knees began to weaken.
Eventually, the lack of air sapped out my consciousness and forced me to mingle with the unknown and frightful darkness that embraced me.
End of Chapter One
Author's Notes
Ah, what is this fic all about...
Little is known of Tatsumi Seiichiro's past - not just to us fans, but also to his fellow YnM characters.
Using the pieces of information provided by YnM's mangaka as well as my imagination, this fic is my attempt to fill in those many "holes" about his past. This fic is also my interpretation on why he is the person that we know, love, and fawn over as YnM fans.
By the way, the timeline for this fic is after the Gensoukai story arc. Since Gensoukai is still pending, I'm going to take the position that the Gensoukai arc is over, Hisoka succeeds in getting the powerful dragon shikigami, Tatsumi and Tsuzuki - even though they are in more comfortable terms now - still have unresolved differences from Tatsumi's prior dumping of Tsuzuki, and Tatsumi and Watari's relationship becomes deeper and more intimate.
Normal Disclaimer
Yami No Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness) and its characters are copyrighted properties of Matsushita Yoko. This fan fiction and the minor original characters that appear within this fan fiction belong to PJ Zatken.