Once again Milton has made the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters into toast. Just some fun Mallory torture that has entered into my tiny mind.
Calling All Agents
"Cheryl have you made the call yet?" Mallory Archer asked as she yelled at her secretary through the door.
"What call?" Cheryl yelled back while doing her nails.
"The call I told you to make," Mallory snapped. "The call to Leslie Anderson."
"She didn't call," Cheryl told her.
"First of all Anderson is a he," Mallory growled. "And second I know he didn't call!"
"Well then why are you asking me if he called when you know he didn't?" Cheryl asked.
"I am not asking you if he called!" Mallory snapped. "I'm asking you if you called him!"
"Called who?" Cheryl asked.
"If you want something done right or done at all around here…" Mallory growled as she took out a book and looked up the number. "Never mind! I'll do it myself you brain dead billionaire!"
"Do what?"
"AGGGHHH!" Mallory clenched her teeth. "I will not fire her…She's a billionaire. I will not fire her. She's a billionaire. And the only secretary you can get. Although at this point I'M WILLING TO TRADE UP TO A TRAINED MONKEY!"
"Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah!" Cheryl made monkey noises.
To this Mallory pushed the button that locked the door. "I have got to get new people!" She gritted her teeth. "Or failing that an actual trained monkey!"
"All right. Time to refill my agency with people who are actually competent at their job," Mallory made her call. "Or at the very least can get me a drink with some decent ice cubes."
Mallory waited. "Leslie Anderson?" She asked when someone answered. "Guess who? It's your old boss. How are…?"
"What do you mean who the hell is this? This is Mallory Archer! Who do you think?" Mallory snapped. "I was your boss for five years at the spy agency you worked at. Well we don't use that name anymore. And no…Those words are not what the letters of our agency stood for!"
"Listen the reason I called was…Oh come on! The raid wasn't that bad! The government let you go and didn't press any charges!"
Mallory frowned as the caller on the other end ranted. "Well obviously I remember the whole incident differently. Yes, I am aware how hard it is to get the smell of tear gas out of a good suit."
Mallory sighed again as the caller kept going on. "Yes, I am aware Sterling shot you once. Like you were the only one! Brett kept getting shot all the time! You didn't hear him whining… Well not now obviously since he's dead. But still…"
Mallory rolled her eyes as she listened some more. "Oh come on! How am I responsible for that? Look whatever Krieger does in his lab I am not responsible for! What handbook? We had a handbook? Well if we did I'm pretty sure there's nothing in it about…Paragraph what? On page what? And I'm liable for how much? When did that clause get written in?"
"Oh right. I remember the sex bot rampage incident. Yes! Yes! I also remember the fire that followed! You are not the only one who got burned mister! I lost a perfectly good mink stole!"
"And Krieger did what to your meatball sub? Well he was going through a food raping phase but I'm pretty sure he's over that."
"The radioactive pig has been dead for years! Come on! You still can't hold a grudge after all this time!"
"Not as much as what Pam did to you where? In the elevator? Oh dear God…"
"Okay there is no reason for that kind of language mister! How did you know I was calling to ask you to come back to work for…? Wait a minute…You think I owe you how much? Forget it! You weren't burned that badly!"
"Oh really? Go ahead! Take me to court! We'll see what happens! Well that makes two of us! Good riddance!" Mallory slammed down the phone in anger.
"Fine. No big loss. Let's go to the next one on the list…"Mallory sighed as she tried another number.
"Darren? Darren Thimblesconch? It's me, Mallory Archer. What do you mean no way in Hell? I haven't asked you anything yet!"
"Well yes but…Wait a minute! Hold on! Why you…? I don't know what you think I owe you but…What do you mean you're perfectly happy in your new job? What do you do? And you really think that being a nuclear bomb inspector for the UN is safer than working with…Hello? Hello?"
"Damn!" Mallory grumbled as she hung up. "Fine! I never liked that uptight little priss anyway. Who's next?"
"Oh here's a good one!" Mallory rang up another number. "I remember Marcos. He was one of my best computer programmers!"
Mallory waited. "Marcos? Oh I'm looking for Marcos. Yes I…No. I hadn't heard. When was the funeral? Oh I am so sorry. I see. Yes. Well never mind. Not important who I am. Thank you. Goodbye."
"Well there's another one that won't be coming back!" Mallory hung up the phone.
"Let's see who else? Ah here's another one!" Mallory made another call. "Hello? Janine? It's Mallory Archer. Say how would you like to come back to work for me with a promotion to…? Hey! Hey! There's no need to take that tone with me missy! You know…?"
"You're working for who? Rodney Whosits? That…douchebag?" Mallory shouted. "That man is a criminal! No, I am not one either! Technically. He stole all my weapons and…What do you mean by how do I think he got them out of the country? You little…Two timing whore!"
"Oh really? Well let me tell you something you…Hello? Hello?" Mallory snapped. "The little bitch hung up on me! Fine! Janine just got herself put on my enemies list!"
"There's got to be someone! Anyone…" Mallory looked through the list on her desk. "Ah hah! Xavier! I remember him! He was actually pretty competent."
She made another call. "Hello? Is this Eric Xavier? Oh, it's Erica Xavier now. Really? Wow a lot did happen in a year. Hmm…Oh it's Mallory Archer. I was just calling to see how you were doing."
"Really? You're running your own club. How…Interesting. Yes well uh…Oh dear! The lobby's on fire! Gotta go! Goodbye!"
"Just what I need!" Mallory groaned as she hung up. "Another version of Miss Gillette in a dress! No thank you! Who else?"
"I know. I'll call Verne Tryil! One of my best informants! I can offer him some kind of position!" Mallory made another call. "Hello? Is Verne there? What? When? For what? Oh. Well when is he scheduled to get out of prison? Oh. Well if he happens to make parole in the next ten years have him give Mallory Archer a call please?"
She hung up. "Ironically he was the best prospect I have so far."
Just then the phone rang. "Hello?" Mallory answered the phone.
"Oooh! OOH! Eeeee! AH AH AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Cheryl get off the damn phone!" Mallory snapped as she slammed the phone down.
"Come on Mallory. Think. Think," Mallory took a drink. "There has got to be at least one former employee available and will come back! Ah ha! I remember Cody Demartino! He's was good! Sterling hated him but that's a plus right now."
Mallory made another phone call. "Hello? Is Cody Demartino there? What? In a coma? Oh my God! What happened? Oh…Severely allergic to tear gas huh? Class action lawsuit against…Who am I? Just a telemarketer! Oh look I have another call!"
She hung up the phone. "Oh right. Now I remember. Mr. I Have A Severe Peanut Allergy. Wait…Since when is nerve gas made of peanuts? Never mind. Next!"
"Hello? Is this Jeff Chapman? Oh…May I speak to your husband? Oh sorry. Ex-husband. He what? Well when do you think he'll be back from Antarctica? Okay! Fine! Thank you for nothing! And FYI…By your tone…I think I figured out why your husband left you for some frost covered penguins!"
"Hello? Is this Robert…? What do you mean he doesn't live there anymore? How big a mental breakdown did he have? I mean if it was just a little…Really? Attacked twenty people. With a frozen mackerel. And he did what with a watermelon? So he's not getting out of the institution anytime soon huh? Okay. Never mind. Thank you for nothing!"
"Hello? I'm looking for Fred Nimelhiem. Oh I'm so sorry. When did he die? Last week? Oh I see…Well to be honest he shouldn't have been trying to water ski with a moose in the first place. It doesn't matter who I am. Sorry to have you waste my time!"
"Hello? Yes this is Mallory Archer. I'm looking for Gerome Wilkman. Oh. And how long has he been missing in the Amazon Rainforest? I see…Well if they ever find him alive tell him to give me a call."
"Hello? I'm looking for Hector Etreman. What do you mean I'm not the only one? What? Well how much money did he steal? That's a lot. Do you have any idea how to get in contact with him? There's no need to be snippy! I was just asking! Fine! Good bye!"
"Hello? Elizabeth? Finally! I managed to get hold of someone with half a brain!" Mallory sighed in relief. "It's Mallory Archer. Hey! Hey! Don't you dare…What? I do not owe you money? So Sterling shot you! A lot of people got shot by…Yes Cyril too but now we know not to give him a gun. Anyway I wanted to tell you that I reopened the agency…"
"What do you mean you found your true calling as an emu farmer? With who? You're joking. Fine! I hope your damn emus peck you to death you bird brain! You, your two husbands and your girlfriend! Sicko!"
"What kind of weird sick freaks did I have working for me?" Mallory groaned. "And even as I asked the question…"
Cut to Krieger's Lab…
"I got my answer! It's forty seven!" Krieger looked over his notes. "I lost forty seven interns."
"You killed off forty seven interns?" Ray asked incredulously.
"No. Not all of them. Some of them I actually lost," Krieger explained. "We were taking this trip into the woods and we kind of got separated and the next thing I know I'm alone. Took me two days to get out of the woods. I kind of left them there. Some of them were already going…feral."
"Never mind," Ray waved. "So what are you doing now?"
"Just going over my list of old experiments. You know?" Krieger shrugged. "Reworking on projects that just didn't work out the first time. And throwing out those that are complete and utter crap."
"Like…?" Ray asked.
"Oh this one that thought of creating a hybrid skunk-raccoon creature," Krieger held up a formula. "Which was a really bad idea in hindsight."
"It also explains the smell in your bathroom," Ray winced.
"Well off to the shredder with this one!" Krieger put the formula into the shredder. "Also there was this idea I had for making a robotic sloth. But then I thought any other animal would be faster so…"
"So that goes into the shredder too," Ray said.
"Right-O!" Krieger shredded another one. "And then there was this one. Replacing human blood with coffee beans."
"Is that what happened to Kevin the Intern?" Ray asked. "The one that died and smelled like coffee?"
"Well yes but that's not what killed him," Krieger coughed. "Just as well. Not only did the idea not pan out, it's not even mine. I kind of stole it from some other guy."
"Then you definitely want to get rid of that one," Ray suggested and Krieger did so.
"Then there's this formula which turns straight men gay," Krieger prepared to shred the document.
"Hold on Krieger," Ray stopped him. "Let's uh…Give that one another try shall we?"
"Hmm. Okay," Krieger nodded. "But I'd better tweak the formula. I gave some to Eric Xavier before we got shut down and I think it was a little too strong."
Back to Mallory's office…
"Yes I think that's too strong!" Mallory snapped. "Calling me Stalin in pantyhose is very insulting! Well screw you too!" She hung up the phone.
"Who's next on the List of the Damned?" Mallory checked another number. "Great. Darren Derwood. Ugh. Now I know I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. Might as well get this over with."
"Hello? Darren Derwood? It's Mallory Archer. Mallory Archer. Your old boss. Yes. From there. The letters of the old name of the agency didn't stand for Incompetent Stupid Insane Screw-Ups and you know it! Plus there's no U at the end so…"
"What? Well I thought you might like to know that I have reopened the agency and…What do you mean you're happy at ODIN? How can you be happy at ODIN? You're a manager of what? How the hell did that happen? What did you do? Sleep with half the staff?"
"Oh ha ha," Mallory barked into the phone. "Very funny! This coming from man whom when I wanted him to go on an undercover mission to China, you ended up in Maine! There's a China, Maine? Since when? Nevertheless I think it was very obvious that I wanted you to go to the real China and…They do too have lobsters in China!"
"What?! You should have known better than to just wander into Krieger's lab in the first place! What money? I don't owe you any money! It's where in the handbook? Well forget it! And forget ever working for me again you little…Hello? Hello? Bastard hung up on me!"
"How could that moron end up as a manager at ODIN?" Mallory groaned. "I once saw the man accidentally stab himself in the arm with his own fork! Twice!"
The intercom went on. "Hey Lana's here to see you. And OOH OOH! AAA EEEE!"
"Oh shut up and send her in!" Mallory snapped as she opened the door with the button.
"Is she on some kind of new medication we don't know about?" Lana walked in with some papers.
"Possibly. If not she should be," Mallory groaned. "Did you have any luck locating the people on your list?"
"Unfortunately it was all bad," Lana sighed.
"That seems to be par for the course for today," Mallory groaned. "All right let me have it."
"Out of the twelve former agents you had me call two more are dead," Lana explained. "One is in the hospital due to extensive injuries from a feral intern attack…"
"That's a thing?" Mallory blinked.
"Apparently there's a bunch of them camped out in the woods upstate," Lana shrugged. "Been causing real problems with the parks department."
"What is this world coming to?" Mallory groaned. "What about the others?"
"Four have become mercenaries and won't come back because the pay is better in their new job and safer," Lana went on. "Not to mention job security."
"Can't say I blame them," Mallory sighed. "The mercenary job market is really rising these days."
"Ironically another agent went to work for a real drug cartel," Lana sighed. "But hasn't been seen in over two months since a turf war started."
"Those things do tend to drag out," Mallory admitted.
"Another agent is now a Telemundo soap opera star," Lana said. "And she's doing really well. Nominated for some kind of Emmy."
"Really? That is impressive," Mallory admitted. "Is it Carla?"
"It's Carla," Lana nodded. "Another agent has joined up with some kind of undersea lab expedition studying giant squids. Apparently this scientist has this weird theory that they're attracted to Happy Cake ovens or something."
"And what about the last two?"
"One got a job at the State Department and the other is now an emu farmer," Lana said. "You remember Elizabeth Farmington? Apparently he's married to her and…"
"I know," Mallory waved. "I heard. A lot happened in the year we were gone. I mean a lot more than I thought."
"Technically it was less than a year but yeah people do tend to move on with their lives," Lana said. "I mean come on Mallory did you really think everyone would just come back at the snap of your fingers?"
"Well…" Mallory began.
"I withdraw the question," Lana sighed as she put the papers on the desk.
"Do you remember Eric Xavier?" Mallory asked.
"Yeah. We dated once after Archer and I broke up," Lana said.
"He's Erica Xavier now," Mallory told her.
"Really? Huh. That explains a lot," Lana sighed. "So did you have any luck at all getting anyone to come back to the agency?"
"My best prospect will be up for parole in ten to twenty," Mallory groaned. "So, no!"
"Again Mallory, what did you think would happen when you closed down the agency and put all those people out of work?" Lana folded her arms. "That stupid drug cartel scheme was a bad idea!"
"Well looking back on it now it's easy to say that Ms. Hindsight!" Mallory snapped. "But your self-righteous 'I told you so' isn't going to get us any of our agents back!"
"OOH! OOH! AAA AAH EEE!" Cheryl poked her head into the doorway making monkey noises before drawing back again.
"Among a few other reasons…" Mallory groaned.