I'm trying to write humor, tell me how I do
Midnight Saunter
"My arms are freezing!" Link tried to make fists but only managed to awkwardly twitch his gloveless fingers. "Oh my Goddess, why's it so co-old! It was so much nicer a couple of hours ago!"
"Because you didn't dress warm, dummy," Dark sighed, a puff of air escaped his lips. "You should've checked the news or stepped outside for five minutes before just waltzing out into Mother Nature's period."
"Gross, dude," he scrunched his nose. "The sun was out before, it felt nice!"
"You know she's bi-polar and besides…" Dark teased. "You just wanted to show off your biceps."
"Hey!" Link slowly crossed his arms, they were numb and red. "This vest is plenty warm… does this sweater really show off my muscles? Those girls were checking me out the block before, weren't they?"
"Augh, shut up," he clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. "It's night, I'd of thought common sense would've told you it'd be cold."
"It's April, it should be warm…"
"It's thirty degrees, you should dress appropriately," Dark heaved a sigh as he heard the distinct chatter of teeth. "Do you want my coat?"
"No, I don't want your coat," Link shivered. "Then all the ladies will flock to your muscles instead of mine!
Dark rolled his eyes and unzipped his coat, wrapping it around Link and zipped it up despite his dissent. The obsidian locks that escaped his black beanie swayed in the breeze while the cold bit his flesh. He kept his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck and stuffed his gloved hands in his black sweater pockets. Link struggled to move his arms but ceased his endeavor as the warmth of the puffy coat enveloped him; he felt the blood pulsate freely through his arms. They meandered for some time in silence, listening to the shrill whisper of gust.
"Do you feel better?" his crimson orbs gazed at the seemingly relieved blonde.
"Yeah, yeah," his cerulean eyes gleamed under the various lamp posts they had passed under. "I feel like I'm roastin', it's great!"
"Your face is great."
"—Really?"
"You're welcome," Dark toothily grinned, stepping into a bar and holding the door open. "Ladies first!"
"Your mother's mother…" Link grumbled under his breath, stepping inside and wiggled his entrapped torso. "Take this thing off-a-me while you're at it!"
"Sure thing," Dark pulled Link close and tenderly unzipped the coat, mere millimeters from Link's rosy cheeks. "Spread your wings, angel."
"W-what's the big deal!" Link stammered and pushed him away as stepped back, tripping backwards and fell onto the hardwood floor with a loud thump; he could've sworn he smelled alcohol on Dark's breath but he shrugged it off, he had worse things to focus on.
The cute girls and the bar in its entirety had witnessed it all; they whispered and giggled amongst themselves. Link blushed furiously and immediately removed Dark's coat. The larger and more muscular male took it with a chuckle—and the girls quickly noticed him. Link frowned and removed his vest and rushed to the bathroom to avoid being further scrutinized.
Link had returned, much to his dismay, and began to glare enviously at his friend as he collected all the girl's numbers and random men began to occasionally flirt with Link—all of whom he turned away with great distress. He wanted women! Women! All of which didn't seem to want him. Did he smell bad? Was there a pimple he was unaware of? Foul breath? What?! They either laughed or frowned at his philandering attempts. Frustrated, he sat at a booth with Dark who waved at the girls but a gorgeous woman walked into the bar, fresh and searching; she approached Link.
"Hey, handsome," a busty blonde with the most perfect features rested her elbows on the table of their booth; her bosom intentionally jutted towards him. "I'm Zelda, what's your name?"
"A-a-ah," he stuttered profusely, enamored by her beauty.
"Don't mind his trepidation, he's taken and doesn't know how to say it," Dark coughed, intercepting before Link could adjust his fallen jaw. "I'm, however, Dark."
"By who?" she seemed to pout, but had quickly found interest in the mysterious gent.
"By me," that gross smirk fell on his face.
"I see," she frowned but shrugged her shoulders. "That's too bad, you two are the hottest I've seen."
As Zelda walked away, those hips swayed with such grace, Link had finally coped with the shock, "What the fuck, dude!"
"What?"
"What the actual fuck!" Link slammed his fist on the table. "Why would you say that?!"
"Everyone in this bar thinks you're gay," he casually sipped his beverage. "They think we've been dating for a few years, have plans to adopt a third world born baby within a few months that we'd name Marcil—and that we'd also adopt a sheltered puppy and name it Pygmy; those girls from before want pictures so I took all their numbers! Ha! I paid some of the guys to hit on you and told the girls you were drunk and in denial. Heh, I told them we were going to get married in a few weeks and the reception would be held at the Temple of Time—they want invitations!"
"Why!"
"Well, I think the Temple of Time is a fantastic venue and a proper Hylian ought to get married in church and-"
"No, why would you do that to me!" he seethed, not bothering to notice or care that Dark slightly slurred his words. "Why would you make everyone think we're gay?!"
"Oh," he wrinkled his nose as he paused and held a disgusted expression, swallowing hard and burping soon after. "Because, I froze my nuts off so you could be warm."
"Fucking asshole," Link got up and pulled on his vest but, before he could leave, Dark seized his wrist. "What do you-?!"
He had pulled Link down and sidled his tongue past the morbidly confused blonde's lips. His face was beyond flushed and Link had tasted the distinct flavor of Heineken—and a smidge of bile. Dark was shit-faced and Link shoved him off. This bastard vomited, he just ingested a bit of Dark's vomit. Link spat on the floor and hastily downed a beer.
"You're drunk," the blonde wiped his mouth, his brows furrowed. "You're really fuckin' drunk."
"C'mere, baby, I loves ya!" Dark's eyes seemed a little glazed as he tried to tug Link down for another kiss. "I loves ya!"
"H-oh! Oh! No, no, no! Stop it!" Link tried to swat his grabby hands and was pulled beneath Dark who gave sloppy kisses, some completely missed him and grazed the leather of the couches; he blatantly made out with the, likely bacteria infected, leather and was calling it pet names for a few minutes. "Get off… me?"
Dark laid on top of him, snoring—and drooling. All over his shoulder. On his favorite green sweater. Drunk bastard. Link tried to jostle him awake and push him off but his friend would not budge. "Ugh, this is the last time I'll go out with you."
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