God I hate everything. Everything is shit and I don't even fucking know why. I mean what the hell happened I couldn't have always been this way. Oh excuse my manners, my name is Stan Marsh, I am 17 almost 18 years old and I think the world is shit. I have no doubt that i'm depressed, not depressed like kyle was when he was a fecophiliac on prozac, but depressed in the way where you hate-no, despise the world and hate yourself more than anything. I want to say that i wasn't always like this, but I remember when i was like 7 years old my and my mom would yell at me I would run in my room and hit and scratch at my skin over and over just so I get rid of the feelings I had. That continued on until middle school I started using paper clips, safety pins whatever I had on me to cut my skin it felt so good knowing that I could do that to myself whenever I didn't feel well. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I started to use razors. Ha, it always makes me laugh how hard it has always been for me to break the stupid razor just to get the blades out, but hey it's all worth it when you cut and that smooth almost black colored blood seeps out of the slits on your arms and you squeeze it hard just to see more blood, it truly is a heavenly sight. By junior year I began burning myself, the first time was hard because I couldn't hold the heated metal against my skin, but you eventually learn to love the adrenaline rush you get trying to keep your arm from moving away as you press down and you hear the searing hot metal going deep in your arm. Just thinking about this makes me want to burn and tear my arms up, but I can't since my stupid mom has threatened sending to a mental hospital the next time she sees a cut on my arm.I cant wait to get to college and I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Anyways, my friends have always tried to help me when I feel shitty but most of the time I try to hide it because I feel like such a fucking bother. When my parents said they were getting divorced this year, I was so pissed off why the fuck would they do that? Fuck that shit! So the only logical thing I could do was go to the kitchen and take my dad's whiskey and chugged that shit until I could barely stand up, I hid it in my drawer and slept, slept like I never slept before. It was the first time in a long time I didn't go to bed at 3 AM. The next day I walked into 1st hour feeling like shit and still tasting the booze in my breath. I put my head on the desk not giving a shit. After class I was walking with Kyle and I asked him if I smelt like alcohol. he replied no and asked why. I told him what was going and him being the sbf he was tried to comfort me. But this went on for a few weeks. Kyle began lecturing me, him always taking the role of the mom of the group. Cartman kept saying how disappointed he was. What a lying piece of shit I knew he was mocking me but seriously fuck Cartman, he always went on about wanting to try weed because he's a stupid fat ass who wants to be cool, I would rather drink everyday then ever try weed with that dick. And then Kenny was more accepting though concerned like Kyle. Eventually I just tried hiding the smell but I put the bottle back as to not raise suspicion. Mom later found the bottle and confronted the family as to where all the alcohol went. The bottle that had once been brand new was down to i'd say enough for two shots. No one spoke up. Hopefully she thought it was dad since he did drink, but I'm almost certain she knew. Whatever I don't give a shit. Anyways that's all for now I guess maybe I'll write more when the world isn't shit. Haha that's a fucking knee slapper, the world not being shit? Ok keep dreaming Stan.